The Grace In Darkness (31 page)

“
H
as anyone ID
’
d our John Doe?
”
Detective Richards asked when Officer Marks and Karr walked into his office.

“
I can do you one better,
”
Karr said, dropping a file on Richards
’
s desk.

“
You got a name?
”
Richards asked, looking up and picking up the file.

“
Yep, and you
’
ll never guess who it is,
”
Marks said, waiting for him to open the file.

Richards scanned the first paper. A mug shot of the familiar and well-known regular in their county jail stared back at him. He flipped the paper down and skimmed the second in the stack. Letting the paper go, he sighed and looked up at Marks and Karr.

“
Are we positive that
’
s our John Doe?
”

“
One hundred percent, sir. The coroner was able to identify him by a birthmark. Should we call in his parents to identify the body?
”

Richards closed the file and laid it on his desk, leaning back in his chair.

“
I guess we have no other choice. Might as well make it official. Have you been down to The Underground yet? Someone down there might have seen who he left with that night or know something.
”

“
We
’
ll head over here this afternoon.
”

“
I
’
ll meet with the parents. They spook easy, so be careful down there and make sure to speak to the regulars.
”

“
Yes, sir.
”

*    *    *

Four Hours Later...

“
Uh, Mr. Dare,
”
Officer Marks whispered into his cell phone, clearing his throat nervously,
“
we, uh, have a problem.
”

“
I
’
m listening.
”

M
y bare legs crossed and uncrossed as I sat there anxiously awaiting the doctor. Despite the gown I was wearing, I felt completely naked and exposed for the first time in years.

Being blind had sheltered me in more ways than one and being submerged in my own darkness actually made me feel safe from the unknown that surrounded me. Maybe I should have felt the opposite, but I didn
’
t and I didn
’
t want that to change.

The room was uncomfortably cold and bright except for the dull splash of color that was meant to inform patients of different diseases but probably ended up scaring the hell out of them. I ran my hands over my arms. Why did doctors feel the need to torture you by making you wait so long? Wasn
’
t that the point of waiting in the
waiting room?
Once we got back here, it should be in and out.

Maybe it just felt like it was taking a lifetime because I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. I didn
’
t know if I was ready to hear what I was about to hear. If I was ready to even handle it. But I couldn
’
t ignore it anymore.

It scared the hell out of me. I was just becoming comfortable with my blindness. I was learning to accept it and embrace it as a part of me, and I couldn
’
t handle anything else. Depending on what happened today, everything could change.

The door opened and I sat up a little straighter and trembled just a little harder.

“
Good news, Miss Noelle,
”
he said without so much as a
“
good afternoon
”
or
“
how have you been.
”

Good news could only mean one thing, right? I waited for that to settle in and for the nausea to fade before I tried to focus on what I was feeling.

“
Your tests came back positive.
”

“
Positive?
”
I repeated slowly, letting it sink in.
Positive.

“
Breathe.
”
He teased and took my cold hands in his.
“
Being able to see color again is a good thing. Now, like I
’
ve told you before, we can
’
t guarantee your sight will extend beyond seeing what color you can, but we can certainly hope, right? I also wish I could tell you this is permanent, but just as suddenly as it happened, it could go away. But we
’
ll deal with that
if
the time comes.
”

“
Positive?
”
I repeated as if he hadn
’
t just spoken.

He laughed and patted my hands before letting them go.

“
Yes, dear. Your tests were positive. You
’
re able to see color again.
”

And just like that, my life was altered again. I looked up at the wall, recognizing the colors for what they were now. It wasn
’
t bright or vibrant, but it was something. Wasn
’
t that how a lot of things started out? Small and insignificant until you decided it
’
s worth holding on to. That
’
s what I would do now. I would hold on to the dull flashes of blurry color for dear life and cherish the fact that I could see them again.

“
And my other tests?
”
I asked, holding my breath for his answer.

I hadn
’
t given myself time to think about my
other
tests. I wasn
’
t ready to start that part of my life yet, and I didn
’
t know if I would
ever
be ready to start it. But then the idea of growing something Ryland and I had created inside me started to blossom and it wasn
’
t as terrifying as I thought it would be. I hadn
’
t even realized that I
’
d wrapped my arms around my stomach.

“
Well, unfortunately, we don
’
t have any reason to believe anything has changed with your situation there, but we did run a pregnancy test anyway and it was negative.

The need to breathe sent the air rushing from my chest so fast I almost choked. While I was very relived, I was also very confused.

“
I
’
m sorry, doctor, I don
’
t understand. What do you mean
my situation
?
”

“
You can
’
t have children, Araya.
”

I
watched the cluster of raindrops dance across the windshield before they were swept away by the slice of the blade. My eyelids felt heavy and I was having a hard time keeping them open.

It was the last time I
’
d ever see rain again, and I
’
d wish I hadn
’
t been so tired to enjoy it more.

“This song is a real snooze fest, baby girl. See if you can’t find something else. This mama needs to wake up,” my mother said, shaking herself.

I felt bad for not keeping my mom company so I shook myself awake and sat up to change the song. It seemed liked we
’d been driving down this stretch of freeway for forever, and it was nothing but an endless amount of darkness.

The irony? From this moment on, I
’
d forever live in darkness. I
’
d never wake up to see another sunrise or sunset dance across the sky. Everything danced to me. The rain, the sun, the wind—everything danced.

It took three times to circulate through the available radio stations before I found an upbeat song that both of us knew.

“
Finally!” my mom said, turning it up almost full blast.

I started to laugh at the limited dance moves she was able to perform in the driver
’s seat.

“
Come on, Araya, dance,” she yelled over the music, grabbing my arm and pulling me from side to side with her.

Her sudden mood burst was contagious, and I started to move along to the music with her. Everything about her was infectious, actually. She had the kind of laugh that made you want to laugh too, even if you had no idea what you were laughing about.

She could make you feel like you could do anything in the world no matter how afraid you were just by looking in your eyes and telling you to believe in yourself. It worked because every time she did it, she made feel like I could conquer the world.

“
We sat there singing to each other at the top of our lungs and laughing so hard we couldn
’
t breathe, so hard I thought my lungs were going to explode and so hard we didn
’
t see the deer in the road until it was too late,
”
I said, so lost in my memory it was like I was watching a slideshow.

“
She cut the car so hard I hit my head against my window,
”
I said, touching the spot. I swore I could still feel the knot.
“
Our car spun before it flipped, and after the second roll, I stopped counting.
”
I paused.
“
I can almost remember what it felt like when the windshield shattered and the shards of glass cut into my skin, changing my life forever.
”

I touched the jagged edges under my eyes, tracing them while I relived the memory of what they
’
d done to me.

“
And then everything was still. There was no sound, no movement, nothing, and then the pain set in. It was excruciating, but it only lasted a second before I was unconscious.
”

I looked toward the spot I knew Dr. Rise would be, the place she sat every session we had, and I found myself wondering if she sat in different spots or if it was the same for everyone.

“
If I
’
d known that was going to be the last time I heard my mom
’
s voice, her laugh, I would have made sure to remember everything about them. If I would
’
ve known it was the last time I was going to see her smile, her face… Well, let
’
s just say I have a whole lot of
ifs.
That car ride was the last of so many things for me and the end of everything.
”

I
’
d shut out this memory for so long that it was so fuzzy to me now. I couldn
’
t remember what my mom had been wearing or what color nail polish she
’
d had on that weekend, because she loved painting her nails different colors every weekend. It scared me that her memory was starting to fade.

“
Where something ends, something new begins.
”

“
I guess it makes it easier to see it that way, but I
’
ve been left with nothing and even less than that to give.
”

“
I think you have a lot to offer, and Ryland seems to think so too, doesn
’
t he?
”

“
After today, he might not think so.
”

“
And what happened today that would change his mind?
”

“
Why do therapists do that?
”

“
What?
”

“
Ask questions they already know the answers to.
”

She didn
’
t answer right away, and I expected her to lie to me.
“
Strategy.
”

“
Does it work?
”

“
Sometimes, yes. Most of the patients who come to see me need some kind of coaxing when it comes to talking about their problems.
”

“
Coaxing or tricking?
”

“
There is a fine line to walk between the two, honestly. I like to stay on the side that makes me feel less guilty about what I
’
m doing.
”

“
Does it always work out for you? Staying on the lesser side of two evils?
”

“
Yes, because I make the choice. I decided how far is too far and I don
’
t cross that line.
”

I just nodded. I was out of things to say. I was out of memories to talk about. I didn
’
t want to think anymore, and I didn
’
t want to talk.

“
Are you going to tell me what your doctor said?
”
she finally asked.

“
Why, when you already know?
”
I was talking into my arm as I stared off.

“I can’t... what?”

“
You can’t have—”

“
I heard you,” I said, cutting him off before he could finish his sentence.

I had meant the question more for myself than for him, but I needed to hear it out loud to let it fully sink in.

I couldn’t have children.

I wouldn
’t have children.

I wouldn
’t have a baby.

I would never have Ryland
’s baby.

I repeated it over and over in my head, waiting for my brain to catch up and grasp the fact so I could move past it and get on with my life. But it wasn
’t happening, and the words spun around and around until I was going to be sick.

I slipped off the exam table and lunged for the bathroom door, where I
’d just peed in a cup that would tell the doctors I wasn’t pregnant and never would be. I slammed the door shut and was able to hover over the toilet before I got retched.

There was a pounding noise in the background and I was only half of aware of the doctor asking if I was okay. He tried the doorknob before saying he would get a female nurse, as if, because of her gender, she would suddenly make the world right again. I ignored him and then he was gone. When I knew it was safe to move, I flushed the toilet and fell against the wall and let the cold tile cool my back.

I got lost in the sound of the small pings the water drops made against the drain of the sink. A fan buzzed overhead and echoed off the bare walls, and I somehow found the sounds soothing. I wanted to cry. I could feel the tears burning my eyes and clogging my throat, but nothing happened. Not a single tear was shed.

There was a soft knock on the door and the female nurse who was going to make it all better waited on the other side. I had two choices. I could sit in here until they called the fire department or janitor to come and open the door, or I could get up and leave on my own.

“Araya, honey,” the nurse called again, “are you okay?”

I thought of a million different snide remarks to respond with, but I kept it simple.

“Yes.”

“
Come out, honey. The doctor wants to talk to you.”

I sat there a few more minutes, making sure I wasn
’t going to be sick again, before I crawled up the wall. My legs felt like Jell-O and they shook as I walked toward the door. When I came out, I was glad I couldn’t see either of their faces. I couldn’t handle seeing the nurse’s comforting and sympathetic smile. The doctor stood off in the background, probably afraid to move for fear that I’d bolt again.

The nurse held her arms out to me slowly like she was afraid I would shatter into a million pieces if she wasn
’t careful. And I wasn’t entirely sure I wouldn’t. When I was seated back on the bed, they switched spots and the doctor was standing in front of me again.

“
I’m sorry, Araya. I assumed you knew about your situation. Your file says all of this was explained to your aunt after the accident. Maybe she assumed you wouldn’t be able to handle it after everything else happened…”

No, doctor, she
’
s just a vindictive, heartless bitch
.

She knew exactly what she was doing. She planned it out so perfectly, and I was sure she would be sorry to have missed my reaction to this cruel twist of fate. It was the perfect plot. Don
’t tell me I’d never have a baby and sit back and watch my life fall apart.

When I didn
’t respond, he went on.

“
The accident was so severe it’s amazing you survived at all.”

It was something I
’d heard a lot before. So much that it was easy to convince myself I was lucky enough to still be alive and I couldn’t waste time being angry at something that was out of my control.

“
But unfortunately, the damage you endured during the roll of your vehicle was pretty extensive. You were crushed from the hips down.”

As he explained everything, I could see it all in my head as if I were reliving it all over again. I could feel the glass hitting my face and the sting it left on my skin. I could smell the burnt rubber from our tires, and I could hear my mother screaming as she reached out for me. My seatbelt had come undone by the second roll, and I was thrown against the roof of the car. That
’s all I remembered before I woke up to the sound of the rain hitting twisted metal.

“
You had surgery… don’t you remember?”

I did remember, but I didn
’t remember what it was for. At the time, I was young; it didn’t really matter to me why I was having surgery. I was still dealing with the death of my mother and the loss of my sight. Nothing else mattered.

“
I didn’t know…” I let him assume what he wanted.

“
According to your file, they tried to do everything they could, but your uterus was pretty badly injured. The possibility of you carrying a baby full term is only five percent.”

“
And the other ninety-five percent?”

He took a deep breath.
“Will result in a miscarriage or non-pregnancy. I’m so sorry, Miss Noelle.”

And suddenly I was Miss Noelle again. The sad, pathetic blind girl everyone needed to tiptoe around. I remembered the other doctors and nurses I had after my accident would call me Miss Noelle in that same tone every time they found me crying.