The Grace In Darkness (32 page)

“
Well then, let me ask you a question I don
’
t already know the answer to,
”
Dr. Rise said, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“
Do you feel relieved?
”

I
’
d been staring at the brightest corner of the room, my feet tucked tightly against my chest. I turned toward her at her question.

“
Because I can
’
t have kids? Should I feel relief? Does somehow being blind make me less worthy of having the right to give life?
”
She was silent. We both knew that
’
s not what she meant.
“
One hundred and ten percent no. There is not a single part of me that feels like this is a blessing in disguise.
”

“
Did you always want kids?
”

I couldn
’
t ever remember consciously wanting kids when I was younger. Did anyone at a young age know for sure they wanted kids? I was so focused on becoming the best damn ballerina I could be that I didn
’
t think about anything beyond that. I expected to dance for as long as I could and then worry about life after that.

“
Ryland wants a big family.
”

“
So you
’
ve talked about your life together?
”

“
Yes. But this was before I found out I couldn
’
t have children.
”

“
You think he
’
ll change his mind after you tell him?
”

I shrugged my shoulders and turned away from her to stare at the light again.

“
Did he change his mind about you when he found out you were blind?
”

Touché, Dr. Know-It-All.

I wanted to argue that it was different, but she was a therapist and she made a living by arguing the positive side of things.

She set down the notepad and pen she always held and leaned forward in her chair.
“
Don
’
t let this be the thing that breaks you, Araya. You
’
ve been through so much to fall apart now. When I first read your file, found out everything you
’
ve been through, I expected a very broken, very angry and hate-filled girl to come walking into my office. To say I was surprised is an understatement.

“
You were heartbroken over Ryland, but beyond that, you had no sense of bitterness over the things that had happened to you. You healed mentally and physically in a way that left you with a healthy outlook of life. You had survived a worst-case scenario and came out with so much color despite the black-and-white world you live in now.
”

“
Didn
’
t you hear? I can see color now. I can
’
t have kids, but for now, I can tell when the sky is blue or a rose is red. Keywords: for now.
”
I didn
’
t even look at her this time. I just sat in my corner of the couch and waited for her to respond with more flowery phrase about how resilient I am.

“
Don
’
t you know how amazing that is?
”

“
Don
’
t,
”
I said angrily.
“
Don
’
t try and make me feel guilty because I
’
m not thanking God I can see a rainbow.
”

“
I
’
m not telling you to be grateful for what you have. You take the good with the bad, Araya.
”

“
How does that work when I get more bad than I do good? Huh, Dr. Rise? I
’
m tired of turning the other cheek! I
’
m tired of trying to be positive all the time. It
’
s shouldn
’
t be this hard to be happy, right?
”

“
When you arrived here, you couldn
’
t do half of the things you can now. I don
’
t believe for once second that the Araya who came to see me last week was a façade. Don
’
t go backward, Araya.
”

“
Story of my life, Dr. Rise. Just when I think I
’
ve hit rock bottom and there
’
s nowhere left to fall, I get knocked off my tiny ledge of hope and I keep on falling. One step forward, ten steps back.
”

D
etective Richards looked up from his desk when he heard the tap on his office window. He held the phone to his ear with his shoulder and motioned for Marks and Karr to come in.

“
I
’
ll check into it and get back with you,
”
Richards said, ending his phone conversation.
“
What
’
s up?
”

They found this where the body was found,
”
Marks said, holding up a plastic bag.

Richards squinted toward the bag and then looked up.
“
Prints?
”

He took it from his hands and examined it closely.

“
Exact match.
”
Karr sounded far too excited for Richards
’
s liking.

“
Both?
”

He was hesitant.
“
Partial, but it doesn
’
t matter. It
’
s enough to arrest them both.
”

Richards sighed and folded his fingers together. His chin rested against his thumbs and he wrestled with this new evidence.
“
It doesn
’
t make sense.
”

“
They both have records.
”

Richards gave Karr a look.
“
I
’
d hardly call a questioning a
record
.
”

“
All the evidence points to them, sir. Witnesses confirm they were at The Underground the night of the murder. We should have picked them up day two. What
’
s holding you back?
”

“
We needed more evidence, you know that.
”

“
And now we have it!
”
Karr said, slapping his hand against the bag of evidence and pushing it toward him.

Richards sat there for a long minute, staring at the bag before him.
“
Get a warrant from the judge and then get a team ready. We
’
ll arrest them tonight.
”

*    *    *

Richards stepped out of the car, slipping the folded piece of paper inside the pocket of his jacket. He stood between the door and his car, hitting the hood.

“
Listen up, men. Let
’
s not expect this one to go quietly, boys. Two of you cover the back and the rest of you stay up here.
”

Richards looked over at Marks.
“
You ready?
”

He nodded.
“
Let
’
s go.
”

I
traced the shape of the fork with my eyes and then my finger. I could see the fuzziness that was my hand and blinked several times, trying to adjust my eyes. Not that it worked. Everything remained a blurry mess on the other end of my vision and it was becoming frustrating.

It was clearer than I was used to, but I was still far from being able to see anything definite. Lines no longer blurred from one object to the next. There was some sort of division, but it wasn
’
t enough for me to make out details. It just made me want to squint more.

I sighed and looked away from my silverware and around the restaurant. It was interesting to see everyone
’
s shapes and shadows. Everyone may be outlined different, but they all looked the same to me.

It was so easy for me to put everyone
’
s bullshit aside and just see
them.
But if half the people in this room knew I was blind, all eyes would be on me. They
’
d be watching and waiting for me to drop something or spill something on myself. They
’
d all be waiting for me to screw up.

I was in a bad place, a self-pity kind of place, and it made my mind spin a mile a minute. I wanted to believe it didn
’
t matter to Ryland, that having kids wouldn
’
t matter to him either, but the bad voice in my head said maybe Ryland wanted to prove that it didn
’
t matter even when it did. He wanted to prove to J.D., to his snobby society, that he wasn
’
t like them and he could slum it with the disabled girl.

I felt his breath against my ear a second before I felt the whisper of his words against my cheek.

“
You look good enough to eat, Hummingbird.
”
His lips grazed the edge of my ear as he spoke, and it sent a shiver down my spine.

“
You scared me.
”
My words sounded breathless.

He chuckled.
“
Sorry and sorry I
’
m late. My advisor was able to fit me in last minute. Did you order?
”

“
No worries and no. I was waiting for you.
”

He sat in the chair next to me and his knee brushed against the length of my thigh under the table. I was too late putting on a believable smile, and I knew the moment he got his first look at my face.

His hand covered my knee and he squeezed gently.
“
Are you okay? What
’
s wrong?
”

I shook my head before I could put my lie into words.
“
Nothing
’
s wrong.
”
I deepened my smile in an attempt to convince him.
“
I
’
m fine.
”

He seemed to hesitate at first, but I felt his fingers relax against me.
“
How was your day?
”

I knew I should have told him right then, but I couldn
’
t find the courage to change everything. I wanted to believe with all my heart that telling Ryland the truth wouldn
’
t change anything between us, but I couldn
’
t persuade myself that he
’
d still want me.

He had the chance to run far away from me when he found out I was blind, but he hadn
’
t. I was afraid to test the limits of his tolerance.

“
It was good. I had a meeting with Dr. Rise this afternoon.
”

“
How
’
d it go?
”

“
It was okay.
”

“
I find it ironic that they have you, of all people, seeing a therapist.
”

“
Why?
”

“
Because you
’
re the sanest person I know, Hummingbird. I know people who would have cracked ten times over if they
’
d gone through half the things you
’
ve gone through. I
’
ve never met anyone as strong as you, and it
’
s just one of the thousands of reasons I love you.
”

His words hurt me when they should have had the exact opposite effect. I felt like I was secretly disappointing him in some way by admitting defeat. I was tired of being life
’
s punching bag and I couldn
’
t take any more blows. So I was going to stay down this time. It hurt less.

“
Good evening, Mr. Dare. What can I get you and this lovely young lady tonight?
”

The waiter was my silent savior as he distracted Ryland from my response. After he took our orders, I was quick to pick up the conversation before Ryland could ask where we were.

“
So you met with your advisor? How did that go? Can you start school again?
”

“
It went really well, actually, and yes, I can start school next week. And I know what I want to do.
”

He sounded so enthusiastic I couldn
’
t help but smile as he lifted my hand by the wrist. He matched our fingers together and then ran his down my palm. He repeated it over and over again.

“
What do you want to do?
”

“
I want to teach music. I love music, I
’
m good at it, and I love kids. I think I
’
d make a pretty kick-ass music teacher,
”
he said playfully, interlacing his fingers between mine.

I felt cold and numb both on the inside and out. My throat swelled with emotion, and I tried to pull myself together before I completely fell apart.

“
I think you
’
d make a wonderful music teacher, Ryland.
”
I could feel the unshed tears burning my throat.
“
You play so beautifully.
”

“
You
’
re beautiful, Hummingbird.
”
He pulled my fingers to his lips and kissed the back of them softly.
“
And then when we have kids of our own, I can teach them how to play. What do you think?
”

My eyes slid closed and my head dropped. I couldn
’
t hold back the single tear that fell down my cheek. I was dying a slow death on the inside and my chest twisted painfully until I felt like I was going to crush under the pressure.

Ryland instantly panicked.
“
Araya? What
’
s wrong?
”

I knew I couldn
’
t put off telling him any longer. I didn
’
t think I could survive it.
“
I need to tell you something.
”

“
What? Are you okay? Did something…? What the hell?
”

I heard the commotion behind me the same time Ryland
’
s sentence ended.

“
Ryland? What
’
s going on?
”
I turned in my chair, and I was startled by the big, dark shadow standing over me.

“
What the hell is going on?
”
Ryland asked in a tone that sent a chill throughout my body.

“
Araya Noelle?
”

The fact that he knew my name caught me off guard, and I was stuck in a stunned silence.

“
Y-yes?
”
I stammered.

“
Damn it!
”
Ryland snapped and demanded again,
“
What is going on?
”

“
Ryland Dare?
”

The deep voice was so official that it ripped away my hope that it belonged to one of the restaurant employees.

“
Yes. Who the hell are you?
”

“
I suggest you get a damn good lawyer, Mr. Dare.
”

My heart beat with icy, cold fear. I heard the rustle of paper as he slammed something down on the table. My gaze followed and I gripped the armrests of my chair.

“
I have a warrant for your arrest.
”

“
What?
”
I jumped at the growl of Ryland
’
s word.
“
You
’
ve got to be fucking kidding me!
”

I was shaking uncontrollably, and all I could do was stare at the paper on the table. It was my mistake because I couldn
’
t make out who he was actually talking to.

“
You have the right to remain silent,
”
he started, and his hand gripped my arm, pulling me up from my chair.

“
Get your hands off her!
”
Ryland roared and lunged toward me.

Another dark shadow got in front of him before he could take a full step toward me. I hadn
’
t realized there were several more officers behind the deep voice.

“
I wouldn
’
t do that, Mr. Dare,
”
a different voice said.

“
I don
’
t give a fuck what you—
”

“
Anything you say can be held against you in a court of law.
”
The deep voice continued over Ryland as if he hadn
’
t been cursing them out.

“
You have the right to a lawyer. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you. Miss Noelle, do you understand your rights as I have read them to you.
”

I was in a frozen daze. My mind was trying to register what was going on, but my body had shut down. I couldn
’
t do anything but let the deep-voiced officer pull my arms behind my back. I felt the harsh reality of cold metal against my skin and I wanted to fight against it. I wanted to get hysterical, but I couldn
’
t do anything but let myself be pulled and pushed.

“
What is she being arrested for?
”

“
The murder of Michael Curt.
”

Ryland
’
s silence was deafening.
“
Wait! What? Craze is dead?
”
He was mentally trying to make sense of everything. And then denial set in.
“
No! There
’
s got to be some kind of mistake. There
’
s no way she could have
killed
him or anyone!
”

“
Like I said, Mr. Dare, you better have a damn good lawyer.
”