The Guide to Getting It On (100 page)

Crotch Care Basics—From Wiping to Giving Your Puss a Bath

Cleanliness is next to godliness—but only in moderation

Out damn butt bacteria!
Always wipe front to back
for pee as well as poop
(our gynecology consultant’s words). If we guys had vaginas and had to wipe from front to back, our vaginas would be one big infected running sore. That’s why we’ve got penises: there’s no way you could ever train us to wipe from front to rear.

Do not overclean the puss.
It only needs soap once a day at the most, and that should be a bland bar of soap like Basis, Pears, Dove Sensitive Skin or better yet, the ultra-mild SebaMed Cleansing Bar which has a low pH and nothing it that will irritate a vulva. (Just because Ivory says it’s pure doesn’t mean it’s not harsh. Besides, why would you want something
pure
between your legs? The women around here want anything that’s going between their legs to be bad to the bone!)

Do not use liquid body gels or cheap washes.
Our gynecology experts go nuclear at the thought of using body gels and cheap washes, including the bubble bath soaps:

“I always tell women not to use bubble baths/bath beads. This is basically like douching with those chemicals. These products are mainstream and often in gift baskets—it’s like, ‘Here my friend, have this lovely yeast infection and happy birthday to you!’”

Lower pH Can Be a Good Thing:
Let’s say your kitty is a persnickety little puss who doesn’t like soap every day. Unless your gynecologist says something to the contrary, you should still clean her with water. Part of the reason for her not doing well with soap might be the kind you are using. Consider trying a high-quality, low-pH soap like SebaMed between your legs. Your vulva and vagina are a bit acidic, with a pH of around 5.2. However, most bar soaps are alkaline, with a pH of 10 or higher. Some women who have struggled with vaginal infections swear by the lower-pH soaps like SebaMed. These soaps don’t have a lot of alkali in them like cheaper soaps, and they are a bit acidic just like your spasm chasm. They also make a SebaMed Feminine Intimate Wash that’s just for the vulva. It has an even lower pH and is especially gentle and mild. You can find it at
www.sebamedusa.com
.

Your Vulva Is Not a Pot:
Never scrub between your legs. Using your fingers instead of a wash cloth is best. It’s fine if you have a hand held shower head and know just how to hit your sweet spot with it. That’s warm water on your puss and not soap, and it feels SOOOOOO good.

Smegma? Isn’t that Just a Penis Thing?
To help prevent clitoral-hood adhesions or smegma—yes, smegma—from forming where a man likes to lick, pull back your clitoral hood and separate your inner and outer lips while rinsing with water. Again, use your fingers, not a washcloth.

Avoid Shampoo Run-Off from Your Head:
Shampoos tend to be harsh and perfumy. Make sure your shampoo and conditioner don’t stream between your legs and through the lips of your vulva when you are rinsing them from your hair. This can be avoided by bending over when you are rinsing out the shampoo.

Pat, Don’t Rub!
There’s a perfectly good time to rub between your legs, but not when drying yourself after a shower or bath. While some experts advise drying your vulva with a hairdryer on cool, others warn against it. They all agree that gentle patting is good.

Wipes, Lotions, Feminine Sprays, Douches & Perfume:
Do not use baby wipes after peeing or pooping, and never use powders, lotions or perfume. They tend to be irritating. If nature intended your crotch to be perfumed, she would have planted roses between your legs. Also, avoid feminine-hygiene sprays, douches and talcum power. According to our gynecology experts:

“The puss is a natural cleansing area and douching makes it smell. Douching is acceptable only if it’s right after your period and hot sex is coming that night.”

NOTE:
For women who have vulvar pain, infections, concerns about their vaginal health or any medical condition: please seek out the advice of a gynecologist.

Normal Smells

Sorry to be so blunt, but your vulva is an orifice. It has sweat glands and it’s covered with hair. As one of our gynecology experts says, “This can lead to all sorts of interesting smells, most of them completely normal.” Of course, our guy crotches never smell anything but wonderful. As for the girl groin, it’s normal for a vulva and vagina to smell musky, and it’s normal for the odor to change throughout your cycle.

Also be aware that female vulvas and male scrotums have apocrine glands embedded in them. These glands respond to stress situations and are the olfactory version of land minds. There’s not a thing you can do about it, except maybe move to a tropical island paradise where you can lounge by the beach all day and forget stress altogether.

So there’s musky, and there’s bad. If your vagina smells bad as opposed to musky, it probably needs a visit to the crotch doc. Check with your healthcare provider. You might also be more prone to an infection early in a relationship, which is pretty common. This might happen “as his stuff gets used to your stuff.” So if your vagina smells bad after your partner ejaculates inside of you, consider the possibility that you have a vaginal infection. (Semen is alkaline, which creates an odor-releasing chemical reaction with the secretions in your vagina.) If this continues and you don’t have any signs of infection, your partner might have chronic prostatitis, which a urologist can check for.

Thongs & Pads vs. Going Commando

While our gyno expert from the land of sun and sand agrees that thongs can look hot, they abrade and tear up the vulva. She sees lots of redness, rubbing and irritation due to thongs. She recommends going commando (wearing no undies) instead. She also says that wearing pads or pantiliners to “feel fresh” simply traps moisture and is irritating to the vulva. If leakage is a problem, try using a cotton handkerchief to line your panties with, or a 100% cotton pad.

Our other gynecology expert gets her panties in a wad over girls and women sleeping in their panties. She says that vulvas need to breathe, and there’s no way that’s going to happen if you sleep while wearing your underwear, even the kind with a cotton crotch.

Both of our gyno experts are proponents of going commando as often as possible. That’s because your kitty needs air to breathe. As for the occasional Britney Spears moment, if anyone notices, just tell them you are doing your bit to help beautify the homeland.

Peeing, Shaving, and Popping Hair Bumps

Shaving can be really irritating, and so can hair-removal products. If you want your hair short, try a men’s mustache trimmer or trim with scissors. It won’t be porn-star bare, but who needs that? The problem is not with getting ride of your pubic hair. In fact, our gynecology expert who is a surgeon thinks that a lot of women would have happier crotches if they hacked away at some of the foliage between their legs, because it would allow more air to circulate. She just doesn’t want you to abrade your skin in the process.

In our culture we wear underwear so much that any extra air that can blow through your lower lips is a good thing. It’s the shaving of the vulva with a razor, as opposed to trimming your pubic hair short, that these physicians don’t like.

If you shave and get little bumps around the hair follicles, NO POPPING. There is a high risk for
staph
infections from doing this. Try warm, moist compresses and antibacterial ointment, and see your healthcare provider if you are concerned or irritation continues. If you have labial adhesions or you dribble after peeing, pull your pants all the way down and urinate with your knees apart to prevent urine from pooling into your vagina. If the problems persist, ask your gynecologist if it will help for you to reach between your legs and pull the labia apart so your pee can exit freely.

Chronic Crotch Irritation?

Almost all toilet paper has formaldehyde and chlorine residues. If you are having chronic crotch irritation, you might try not using toilet paper, or not the premium, soft, fluffy and really white kind. You don’t want to know how manufacturers get premium toilet paper to feel and look so nice!

What to Wear Down There If You Can’t Go Commando

Wear 100% cotton underwear. Do not wear underwear that is nylon on the outside but has a cotton liner, as the nylon shell will keep the cotton crotch from breathing. For workout gear, fabrics that wick away moisture are good, but take off your work out gear as soon as your exercise balls are racked. Thigh highs (nylons) are better than pantyhose for your crotch, and you don’t need to take them off if you are having a quickie.

How to Wash What You Wear Down There

Optimal crotch care means more than just what you do in the shower or bath. It also means what you put in your washing machine and dryer. When washing your underwear, use a mild, unscented laundry soap such as Tide Free, All Free and Clear, Dreft, Ivory and Costco’s Kirkland Free and Clear. Detergents like these have earned the Goofy Foot Press
Good Crotchkeeping Seal
that says “Good for Your Lips!” Also:

• Use less detergent rather than more, and if your washer has a second rinse option, use it.
  
• Do not use fabric softening or antistatic sheets in your dryer when you are drying your underwear as these leave residues in the fabric that can easily rub off on your skin. If you’ve got static in your panties, may we suggest you masturbate or make a booty call.
  

Dear Paul,

My friends have gone recently to their first gynecologist exam, and the stories they told me really scared me. One girl said it was really uncomfortable, and the other said it was downright painful; she was actually crying. Both mentioned something about the doctor sticking their whole hand inside them; is this true? I am starting to worry because I can’t even get a tampon in there: last time I tried it was too painful and I gave up. Do some girls have unusually narrow vaginas? —About to Have My First Pelvic Exam

Dear About to Have,

For the exam itself, you will go into a room and trade your shirt and blue jeans for a paper gown—sometimes purple, sometimes blue, whatever is the latest in disposable gyno fashion. Usually a nurse and doctor will come in for the exam. They will ask you to lay down on an examination table. You will put your heels in metal stirrups and scoot your bum all the way to the end of the table. They will then shine a light on your genitals. The doctor will put a speculum in your vagina to help expand it and insert a little stick-like device to scrape some cells from your cervix. This won’t hurt at all, but you still might feel something. The cells will be put on a slide and sent to the lab for testing. Then they remove the speculum, and the doctor will insert one or two fingers inside your vagina to feel your cervix, ovaries and whatever else Mother Nature put up there. She will also feel the outside of your abdomen with her other hand. Most doctors will examine the lips of your vulva and some doctors will do a brief rectal exam. The doctor or nurse will also do a breast exam. Also, it’s best to abstain from intercourse the night before, but if you must, use a condom. Here is advice for you from our women readers:

“I remember how scared I was before my first exam. The best thing to do is to tell the doctor that you are anxious and ask him or her to explain what is going to happen before the exam begins. A good doctor will explain things in as much detail as it takes to help calm your nerves. The worst part for me was the feeling of embarrassment that someone was looking at me. A pelvic exam should not hurt, and if it does for some reason you should tell the doctor immediately so that he or she can stop. As far as tampons are concerned, I have the same problem, and you might want to check out the tampons that are marketed as “slim fit” or even the ones that don’t use an applicator. I find that these work best for me. Also try to relax. The more nervous you are the tighter your pelvic muscles will be.”
female age 22

“It’s not that bad, and no MD has EVER put his or her whole hand in me for a regular exam. Your friends are probably being overly dramatic.”
female age 18