The Guide to Getting It On (103 page)

While modern science has better answers about menstruation than philosophers like Aristotle and St. Augustine did in centuries past, keep in mind that we still don’t know why women menstruate every month and whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing. There is currently a huge debate over the long- term safety of using birth control pills to stop a woman’s periods altogether, and we still don’t know why some women’s breasts get tender at different times in their monthly cycle.

What Girls Really Want to Know, and What Guys Should Know

Are eggs and Fallopian tubes what girls want to know about periods? Of course not. Girls in their teens want to know about how to control the bloody mess, how to control the cramps and backache, how to get blood stains out of their panties and pajamas, how to better predict when their period will strike and how heavy the flow will be. They want to know how to carry period gear inconspicuously, and how to deal with feelings of embarrassment when boys find out they are having their period and try to tease them.

When girls get older and become sexually active, they also want to know about period sex, and no matter how young or old they are, girls who are having their periods want to know “Why me? Why does this happens to girls and not guys?”

As for guys, once you get into a long-term relationship, menstruation is something that happens to both of you. That’s why guys who live with girls will do better in life if they try to understand more about periods. Unfortunately, males tend to relate periods to reproduction or sex, while for women it’s about blood, tampons, pads, and for some, cramps, tender breasts and lower back pain. And until a guy becomes a dad who has to pay for tampons and pads, he’s usually not aware of how much the things cost every month.

Period Gear

Period gear has come a long way since the days when women wore funky belts to hold thick pads in place–we’re talking something just shy of a mattress between your legs. The next couple of sections are about pads, tampons, and period gear. But first here’s a story from back when pads had tails:

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)...

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was open. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ‘napkins’ in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions” (her second mistake).

Now, fast forward a few months.... It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter. Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn’t hang off the edge! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. “But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!”

Quick Change Artists & Talking the Talk

While teenage guys need to have certain strategies to deal with unwanted hard-ons, not too many of them have to worry about a friend tapping them on the shoulder and whispering that a BIG blotch of blood leaked through the back of their pants and everyone is looking.

Periods can arrive with little rhyme or reason, especially during the first couple of years, so a girl who has started having her period has to cope with everything from blood leaking out to how she’s going to change a pad or tampon during only a five-minute break between classes—all while acting like nothing’s up because she’s worried guys will make fun of her if they know she’s having her period.

On a more positive note, periods give girls an excuse to talk with each other about their own sexual anatomy. Sharing experiences and information about periods can be a source of bonding, not to mention an outlet for sharing personal horror stories, like when the cutest guy on the planet got behind you in the checkout line at the supermarket after you just put a super gigantic sized package of Kotex on the conveyer belt.

Being able to talk with their friends about periods might also help girls share information about their sexual anatomy in a time when parents still refer to female genitals as “your vagina” or “down there,” and a lot of teenage girls don’t even know what their clit really is.

When a Woman Drops a Tampon

Researchers designed a study where a woman “accidentally” dropped either an unused tampon or a hair clip on the ground. Observers who viewed the woman dropping the objects rated her as being less competent and less likeable when she dropped the tampon than when she dropped the hair clip. (Geez, what do you think the responses would have been if she had dropped a condom?)

Hopefully, readers of
The Guide
will help reverse this little insanity and begin to make fun of women who drop hair clips on the ground as opposed to tampons.

A Sweater or Shirt to Tie Around Your Waist and Period Panties

While some young women wear sweaters or shirts tied around their waists to hide their butts, it never hurts to keep an extra shirt or sweater in your locker or car in case you end up with a blood stain on the back of your pants or skirt. Unfortunately, this is not an option for women who have to wear uniforms. Keeping an extra pair of pants or jeans and undies in your car or locker is also a good idea, as well as some spare tampons or pads.

The cool way to store a stash of tampons is to keep them in a Vinnie’s Tampon Case (
www.tamponcase.com
) or something like it.

A lot of women have what they call “period panties,” which in some cases were panties they really liked, but have ended up with stains in the crotch that refuse to come out. They only wear them when they are bleeding. Others will only wear dark underwear, and some get inexpensive Wal-Mart specials just to wear when they are having their periods.

Making Your Own Custom Pads

It’s fairly easy and a lot of fun to sew your own period pads. They look great and talk about saving some landfill space! There are a number of websites that show you exactly how. We have many of them listed in the “period gear” part of our links at
www.Guide2Getting.com
.

Period-Related Breast Tenderness

Some women’s breasts get really sore when they are having their period. Some women’s breasts get sore at a different time during their cycle, like when they are ovulating. And some women’s breasts become sensitive in a way that welcomes kisses and caresses during certain times of the month.So if you are in a relationship, breast tenderness is important to talk about.

Period-related breast soreness can be slight, or it can be so extreme that one of our readers said just driving over speed bumps really hurts. Some women say their breasts will feel like they are bruised. Both breasts can become tender, or just one, or hopefully none. This can be helped by taking birth-control pills, or it can be caused by taking birth-control pills. Go figure.

Some couples are afraid of having intercourse when Aunt Flo comes to town. Fear not! Period sex causes no harm to either partner. Better yet, it can bring buckets of smiles. Here are some reasons why:

• Period flow can make a vagina feel super-lubed or it can dry it out. Some couples say the flow feels better than store-bought lube.
  
• Menstrual swelling can help a woman have a really nice orgasm. Who knows if it makes intercourse feel better, but a woman’s cervix drops when she’s having her period. As a result, some couples might prefer certain period positions. Explore and see what feels best for you.
  
• Some women get extra-horny during their periods. This might have to do with a change in hormones, or perhaps they feel more relaxed since it’s harder to get pregnant.
  

Some couples feel all primal and cool being drenched in period sex blood; others act like they’ve just arrived at a crime scene. You can vary your flow exposure with the following tips:

• Put a towel down to catch the flow, or have sex in the shower.
  
• Use a male condom or the female condom.
  
• Wear a diaphragm or use Instead menstrual cups. These are little domes that cradle the cervix and catch most of the flow.
  
• For period-sex-fantasy fun, turn on The Vampire Diaries or have sex while one of the other vampire shows is on the TV!
  
• If period sex proper isn’t for you, you can always get each other off by hand, with a vibrator or dildo. Orgasms can help ease period pain.
  
• Anal sex can be an option if both of you enjoy it, but it’s hard to think that a woman who enjoys anal sex would have a problem with vaginal sex while she’s on her period.
  
• DO NOT wear a tampon during intercourse! If you do, see the section toward the end of Chapter 22 that’s titled “If a Condom Doesn’t Come Out When You Do” which is on fishing out lost condoms. Getting out a lost tampon can be similar to getting out a lost condom. Be sure to get any mashed parts out. And you CAN get pregnant from having period sex.
  

Tips for receiving oral sex while on your period:

• Splash some water into your vagina, then insert a tampon before a partner goes down on you. The tampon will catch most of the flow.
  If intercourse follows, be sure to take the tampon out first.
  
• Do it in the shower.
  
• Wear a diaphragm, Instead or a menstrual cup: Some women get a diaphragm for the sole purpose of having period sex. Some couples start with it in for oral sex, but take it out for intercourse.
  
• Wrap it! Cover your vulva with a barrier or plastic wrap. A little lube between the vulva and plastic wrap might help.
  
• Some guys like going down as is, flow and all.
  
• Important Health Note:
  You can get dangerous STIs like hepatitis or HIV from sucking down period blood, even if the woman shows no symptoms. Best not to do period-oral during hook-up sex.
  

Getting The Red Out—Removing Period Blood

It’s difficult to have periods and not stain things. In fact, if you’ve been having periods for a while and haven’t stained a whole bunch of things, consider getting treatment for an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

It’s always best to treat blood stains as soon as possible, but who’s got a laundry room handy when most stains occur? However, for triage while on the run, you might try hitting a new stain with a wad of saliva and blotting it up, or if there’s some contact-lens saline solution handy, try that. The reason for using saline or spit, which is your own saline with some enzymes and food particles added, is that saline will help the blood cells float out instead of smearing them on the fabric like cream cheese on a bagel.

So here’s
The Guide’s
Guide to Getting the Red Out:

• Soak the item in cold water, over night if necessary. If that doesn’t take the red out...
  
• Try applying Clorox 2 Stain Fighter and Color Booster directly to the stain. It can occasionally work miracles.
  
• Use unpreserved saline solution on the stain, the kind people use for contact lenses. Or mix one cup of salt in 2 quarts of cold water. Soak for half an hour. Then blot, don’t rub. (Blotting is the operative word with any kind of stain, as rubbing just rubs the stain into the fabric).
  
• If Big Red is still there, add a bit of mild bar soap and rub it into the fabric. Rinse with cold water.
  
• If it refuses to surrender, consider this: blood stains can become really nasty when the hemoglobin in the blood mixes with oxygen in the air. This binds the stain to the fabric. Since hemeglobin is made up of iron, what you might be dealing with in a stubborn blood stain is a rust stain. Even the folks at Tide mention using rust remover if the usual removal techniques fail: 1) Carefully apply Whink Rust Remover or other liquid rust remover following the instructions on the package. Apply over a plastic or glass dishpan, as the rust remover can be a bit gnarly on certain surfaces. 2) Rinse in 1 quart of water to which 3 tablespoons of baking soda have been added. 3) Air dry and repeat the procedure if necessary. Or...
  
• Hydrogen peroxide is often used to get out blood stains. However, while hydrogen peroxide isn’t known to harm the color in fabrics, it can make the fabric weaker. That’s why hydrogen peroxide is not our product of first choice, as you might end up with crotchless panties sooner than you wanted.