The Guide to Getting It On (133 page)

As children’s minds grow and become more complex, so does their ability to have sexual fantasies that include others. With time, the thought of making love doesn’t seem so “yucky” anymore. Eventually, they might even want to read books like the
Guide to Getting It On!
In the meantime, one parent might wonder if it is normal for her four-year-old boy to be playing with his penis, while another might say, “Thank heavens he’s got his penis to play with. It’s a never-ending source of pleasure for him!”

Telling Children about Sexual Enjoyment

Parents usually tell their children all there is to know about things like blowing noses and wiping rear ends, but rarely do they mention that genitals can be the source of good feelings. As a result, children learn that it’s OK to seek their parents’ wisdom on just about everything but sexual feelings. This is unfortunate, because kids need their parents’ guidance on sexual feelings as much as they do on wiping their rear ends or learning to drive a car.

Some parents assume that a 3-year-old who is rubbing her genitals has the same intent and fantasies as a 23-year-old. They either try to stop her or simply pretend that nothing is happening. Perhaps it would be helpful for parents to understand that their masturbating 3-year-old isn’t thinking about how good Johnnie, her day-care buddy, might be in bed! The child is simply touching her genitals because it feels good. It is perfectly normal for little hands to reach between little legs when a child is happy or excited, at naptime or even when you are reading Dr. Seuss to her. All a parent needs to do is say an occasional, “It feels good when you touch yourself there.” This gives mom and dad credibility about such matters and lets the child know it will be safe to talk to the parents about things of a sexual nature.

Also, boys have erections from a very early age, yet parents seldom explain to them that males get erections when they are having fun with their penis, as well as at other times like when waking up in the morning. Parents tell boys that they have nice eyes, ears or even feet, but they avoid telling a boy about his penis or saying anything nice about it. Nor do they tell a girl positive things about her genitals or let an older girl her know that her vagina will sometimes get wet. Yet girls get wet as often as boys get erections. (Parents who explain such matters to their children may need to distinguish between the sexual kind of wet and the peeing-in-your-pants kind of wet.)

Nanny Interruptus

Everyone these days is worried about nannies shaking their baby to death or kidnapping them or being lazy when no one else is around. Few people think to ask the nanny how she responds if she encounters junior playing with his or her genitals. What if you are trying to encourage a healthy attitude about sex, but during the nine hours a day when you are away, Consuela is slapping the kid’s hand and warning of a thousand curses if your child ever touches him or herself again?

Ask about this when you are interviewing for a nanny. Otherwise, much of your hard work may be for naught.

Opportunity Knocks, and Knocks, and Knocks

Four-year-old girl:
Daddy, how come boys have penises?

Dad:
I don’t know. But I do know that boys and girls are both really lucky to have something between their legs that feels so good when they play with it!

The wonderful thing about explaining sex to kids is that you usually don’t have to bring up the subject. It comes up on its own. Whether it’s dogs mating in the backyard or your kid rubbing her genitals while you read her a good-night story, opportunities abound to make talking about sex a normal and natural part of growing up.

Unfortunately, parents who explain sex in an open way should be prepared for nasty glares from other adults, because their children won’t know it is bad to talk about sex; e.g., “Mr. Johnson, my daddy gets erections. Do you?” or “Sister Mary Elizabeth, does your vulva tingle when you feel excited?”

This kind of embarrassment is nothing compared to what you will feel if the first time you talk about sex is when your 15-year-old daughter informs you she is pregnant. (In Sweden, where children have better access to sexual information and birth control, the rate of teenage pregnancy is one-fifth of what it is in the United States. Also, the kids there don’t start having sex any earlier than they do here.)

Playing with Themselves

Since many parents don’t talk about masturbation, their children may regard it as a dirty secret. You can explain it to a child by saying, “Masturbation is when you touch yourself between your legs in a way that feels good.” Or, if your kid loves to hump her favorite bear or some other object, you can say, “They have a special word for humping things. It’s called ‘masturbation.’”

If your child asks for details and you feel comfortable about it, you can make a pretend penis with a finger while saying, “This is how boys do it” or point two fingers downward and rub the knuckle part to explain how girls do it. Or you can say, “It’s what you’ve done since you were little and you put your hand between your legs about 50 times every day and rubbed.” Also, it might be reassuring for an older boy to hear his father say, “I started masturbating when I was your age” or for a girl to hear her mother say, “I masturbate, too.”

Keep in mind that masturbation is very common for kids between the ages of 2 and 11, and it’s not unusual for a younger child to hump or rub their genitals up against just about anything that suits their fancy.

Public vs. Private

In doing research for this book, the author met with a class of high-school students to talk about sex. Before he had even introduced himself, one of the boys yelled, “Do you masturbate?” It’s not the sort of question he is used to being asked, let alone by a young punk with baggy pants and a strange haircut. Embarrassing? You bet, yet to have said anything but “Sure” would have created a serious credibility gap, and it would have been dishonest. Beyond that, it would have been inappropriate for him to have discussed details about his private sex life with the young and restless. Hopefully, parents will keep in mind that it is neither necessary nor advisable to discuss the details of their private sex lives with their children. On the other hand, it is fine for parents to let their children know that sex is a fun and important part of their lives.

Younger children may need constant help in learning the difference between public and private. You may need to remind your 3- or 4-year-old numerous times that they aren’t to play with their vulva or penis in the yard. Hopefully, you will never hear them reply, “But you and daddy do!”

Liberal-Parent Alert:
For super-permissive parents who feel that putting limits on children destroys their little spirits, keep in mind that children won’t feel safe with their sexuality if it is allowed to explode all over the place. If a child won’t stop masturbating or exposing himself or herself in a public place, there is no harm in saying, “I know that feels really good, but the place to do it is in the privacy of your own room and you should consider stopping it right now if you ever want to eat ice cream again as long as you live.”

Also, older children who constantly rub their genitals might be dealing with emotional anxieties that have little to do with sex. Before getting too concerned, you need to consider how the kid is doing with the rest of his or her life. Is this one of many things that isn’t going right, or is it simply an isolated problem that needs caring and firm guidance?

Naming Private Parts

Modern parents usually have no problem telling little boys that they’ve got a penis and testicles between their legs, although little boys rarely refer to these items by their proper names. For that matter, neither do big boys.

Female sexual anatomy is mislabeled from practically day one. First of all, what you see from the outside is not a vagina, but that has become the generic term for what is nestled between a woman’s legs. What you see from the outside is a vulva, which means lips. The vagina doesn’t appear until after the vulva is spread open, and even then you only see the outer rim of it. It is also helpful for parents to identify the clitoris.

Parents might do well to inform boys about girls’ genitals and visa versa. This way, girls’ genitals won’t seem like such a mystery. Also, it is through such talks that parents can teach boys to respect and care about girls’ genitals. Otherwise, how are boys expected to learn such things? In a locker room?

The Difference between Cum and Pee

When you are ready to explain the concept of ejaculation to an older child, he or she might assume you are talking about pee. After all, that’s what comes out of a penis, right? Kids will likely surmise from early talks about the birds and bees that the man pees into the woman to make her pregnant. One way of avoiding this confusion is to explain that there is a big difference between pee and ejaculate. Pee is thin and mostly clear like water and there is a lot of it, while ejaculate is white and thick, and there is only a teaspoon or two of it at a time. It won’t hurt to explain that nature was very smart about all of this and made it so that a man can pee when his penis is soft and have an ejaculation when his penis is hard. You can say that when a man has intercourse and his penis is hard, there comes a certain point where his penis feels really good and warm and the ejaculate starts to squirt out. That’s the stuff that can get a woman pregnant. Let them know that boys don’t start making this fluid until they go through puberty, which happens sometime between the ages of 11 and 16. Also explain that a man can’t get a woman pregnant by simply hugging her or kissing her.

Child-Abuse Warnings

Now that our society is so revved up about child abuse, we’ve got parents and teachers telling young children, “Don’t let anyone ever touch you down there!” Think about this.

In this day and age, the first time parents mention sex to children is often through warnings about sexual abuse—complete with those deep, measured parental tones that barely hide mom and dad’s fear and concern. Consider how dumb it would be if the first thing parents told kids about bike riding is how many scraped knees, broken bones and fractured skulls they are likely to get. At best, the child would learn to hide his excitement and questions from mom and dad. And if the kid did have a bad encounter on the bike, it is only natural that he or she would try to hide that, too, and perhaps feel horribly guilty.

Why not establish a good rapport about sex with your child from early on? Then your child can take in your eventual warnings about child abuse with intelligence rather than guilt or trepidation.

As for an actual strategy, try giving young children a sense that their bodies belong to them and no one else. Tell them they don’t need to give hugs or kisses if they don’t want to. If parents respect this in their interactions with the child, then the child will learn from an early age that it’s OK to say NO to unwanted physical touching. This is a far better approach to preventing child abuse than the stern fear-based warnings that some parents give.

When your child is older and able to speak with you about sexual matters, you can say, “No one should touch you in a sexual way unless it’s what you want.” Let your child know that no adults should ever touch their genitals and bottoms or ask to see them undressed unless it’s at a doctor’s office when mom and dad are present, or it is with a helping teacher whom mom and dad say is OK. If anyone ever touches them anywhere on the body or takes pictures of them and says to keep it a secret, they should tell you anyway. Also encourage them to tell you about any kind of touching that makes them feel strange or uncomfortable. And tell them if a stranger ever asks for their help in finding a lost pet, to come straight home and get you.

Some parents tell their children that there are “good kinds of touch” and “bad kinds of touch.” This is too abstract and is seldom helpful, as children often confuse “good touch” and “bad touch.” Any child abuser worth his or her salt will be able to turn this around to his or her advantage.

One of the greatest tools you have in combating child abuse is to spend lots of time with your child, being a real and vital part of his or her youth. Children who only get limited amounts of time from their parents (aka “quality time”) are far more likely to be interested in the attention that child abusers have to offer. Child abusers are very savvy in their ability to select children who aren’t getting enough attention at home or who have lots of unanswered questions about sex. They then become the involved, exciting and understanding adult figure that the child longs for. They end up doing your job for you, and, unfortunately, more.

Children’s Questions about Sex

Some parents have the fantasy that children will ask about sex as the need arises. But when parents volunteer information about all things under the sun except sexual feelings, children grow up sensing that questions about sex are off-limits. What children need to know are the proper names of the things that they can see or touch, and an acknowledgment that touching or rubbing their genitals can feel quite nice. The latter isn’t anything that kids don’t know, but it gives them a message that it’s OK to talk to mom and dad about things that are sexual.

Also, some parents overwhelm young children with biological facts about sex. Folks, a five-year-old can’t understand the concept of Fallopian tubes! If a child under the age of five asks, “Where do babies come from?” it’s fine to say that the baby grows in mommy’s uterus and point to your abdomen. And then they might want to know how the baby gets out. You can explain that there’s a another hole between their poop hole and pee hole where the baby comes out.