The Guide to Getting It On (134 page)

When you explain sex, try to make it a “we” thing when possible. For instance, if children want to know how sperm gets from daddy’s body into mommy’s body, try to say, “Mommy and Daddy place Daddy’s penis inside of Mommy’s vagina,” and not “Daddy places his penis inside of Mommy’s vagina.” For birds-and-bees information, you might find a book with fun illustrations and read it together with your child.

Once a child asks a question about sex, he has often created a scenario or answer to the question in his own mind. So you might ask Junior to tell you what he or she thinks the answer is. That way, you may get more clues about what the child needs. If there is no evidence that he or she is courting a hidden hypothesis, answer the question the best you can.

When it comes to questions about sex, or anything else for that matter, don’t be afraid to tell a child that you don’t know the answer. Acknowledge that it’s a really good question, and say that you will do your best to find the answer. Then ask a friend, find a book or call one of the national sex lines. This way your child will feel that you take his or her questions seriously and will feel free to ask for your opinion in the future.

Keep in mind that you may be asked the same question about sex ten or twenty times. It could be that young children have a profound need for repetition, or maybe they get a secret sense of joy from seeing mom and dad break down in tears after they’ve been asked the same question so many times. Also be aware that you will be giving a very different answer to a 5-year-old’s question about intercourse than you will to the same child when he or she is 10 or 15. Just because you answered a question when your child was five doesn’t mean you won’t be answering the same question every couple of years, but each time in a slightly different way.

A wonderful and hopefully helpful book on sex for children age 10 and up is
It’s Perfectly Normal,
Candlewick Press.

A Normal Five-Year-Old’s Feelings about Sex

“In second grade, a little boy kept squeezing my vulva and it felt so good and tingly and warm and throbbing that I waited quite a while until I told my teacher!”
female age 23

As part of his training as a psychoanalyst, the author of this Guide followed the growth of several normal children from birth on, discussing child-development quandaries with their parents as they arose.

One of those children was a 5-year-old girl whose lifelong best friend had been a boy of her own age. The girl’s mother was shocked one day to find both kids buck naked with the little boy’s fingers on her daughter’s vulva. The mom’s first thought was to break every bone in the little boy’s hand, but her daughter was just as happily involved as he. So she went into the kitchen and forced herself to count to 20. She then decided that the last thing she wanted to do was respond as her own mother would have. Needless to say, your author got a phone call asking for help.

The mom and he discussed how blanket prohibitions about sex often teach children to hide their sexuality from their parents. So rather than being guided by her initial response to protect her daughter, the mother asked the little girl how she felt about the way her friend had been touching her. Realizing that it was safe to answer truthfully, her daughter replied that it felt so wonderful she simply couldn’t find a way to say no!

Since then, this little girl has asked her mother questions about who can touch her genitals and how to say no if she doesn’t want them to. She asked these questions on her own initiative without being prompted by her parents. Few moms and dads have “perfect” answers for such questions, but just letting your child discuss it with you can be amazingly helpful. It helps the child learn how to use reason when dealing with sex.

It is likely that when this little girl becomes a young woman she will have more respect for her own sexuality than the vast majority of her peers. Her sexual decisions may even be the result of good judgment, instead of the all-too-common adolescent rush to just do it because the opportunity presented itself. Also, it seems that she values herself and won’t be agreeing to sleep with a boy out of fear that he will go away if she says no.

Don’t for a moment think that this Guide is saying to avoid setting limits on your children’s sexual behavior. Parents who set no limits on their children’s behavior tend to raise obnoxious brats. Instead, why not think about strategies that might be more effective than simply yelling NO!—although there are times when a contemptuous glare or a straightforward no are fine parental responses. Hopefully, you will encourage your children to think about their sexuality in ways that are constructive, rather than raising kids who are mindless about sex.

When Children See (or Hear) You Having Sex

If a young child walks in when you are having sex, cover up slowly and try not to look like you were doing something bad, because you weren’t. One of you should take the child back to his or her own bed and tuck the kid in. It’s a good idea to ask the child in a fun voice, “What did you think Mommy and Daddy were doing?” This will help you to know what they saw and how they interpreted it; e.g., “Daddy was hurting you!” Please resist saying, “I’d be a very happy person if daddy hurt me like that more often.”

If the child has a negative read on what he or she saw, be sure to disagree with his or her interpretation and give it a positive spin. You might also say in a reassuring voice that you and daddy were having sex which was a lot of fun and you will be happy to talk about it in the morning. Even if the child doesn’t ask, try to raise the issue the next day.

Parents who make a fair amount of noise when they are making love should consider telling their young children about it, saying that mom and dad sometimes make noises at night when they are sharing sexual feelings. Explain that these are happy noises which are very different from the noises that mom and dad make when they are fighting. This is an important distinction to make.

The good thing to know about being seen by your kids is that Dr. Paul Abramson and colleagues at UCLA completed an eighteen-year longitudinal study of
Early Exposure to Parental Nudity and Scenes of Parental Sexuality.
18-year-olds who, as kids, had walked in on mom and dad when they were having sex showed no differences from other 18-year-olds. In fact, young boys who walked in on mom and dad actually seemed to demonstrate a better long-term outcome than those who didn’t. Hmmm.

“Why Can’t I Watch You and Mommy Have Sex?”

You’ve worked hard to be an open, honest parent about sex and your child suddenly rewards you with the statement, “I want to watch you and Mommy have sex!” Instead of convulsing with panic, regard this as yet another opportunity to talk about privacy and sex; for instance: “One of the things that makes sex so special for Mommy and Daddy is that it’s private, just between the two of us. Since sex between us is private and personal, I wouldn’t feel comfortable having anyone else watching.” “Well, what about that time I saw you kissing Mommy’s vulva. Will you kiss mine?” “Your vulva is very sweet and nice. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable kissing your vulva like I kiss Mommy’s because it’s a private sexual thing that I only do with her.”

Nudity at Home

“Nudity was a normal part of bathing, dressing, getting up in the morning or going to bed at night. I think this is ideal. Kids get a lot of reassurance and education from the occasional observation of natural (not contrived) nudity.”
female age 35

“My daughter always felt comfortable walking around the house naked, but my teenage son is so modest that nobody can remember seeing him naked since he was five years old!”
male age 65

Is nudity around the house good or bad? A retrospective study of college students compared how much nudity they reported when growing up with their current levels of sexual activity. There was no correlation between high levels of nudity at home and sexual promiscuity at college age. Kids who reported higher levels of nudity at home seemed to report more feelings of warmth or security when away at college. Perhaps one reason for this is because it’s easier for them to adjust to communal bathroom and shower situations that are so common in college life. It’s also possible that they feel better about their bodies.

Parents’ Sexual Feelings about Their Children

Our society gives parents little guidance about sexual feelings toward their children, except blanket condemnation. Children of all ages are able to evoke sexual feelings in parents, from a nursing experience that leaves a baby’s mother with pleasant genital sensations, to a teenage son whose developing body gives mom an occasional sexual stirring, perhaps reminding her of the excitement she used to feel when seeing the boy’s father when he was younger. The problem isn’t in having occasional sexual feelings about your children; it’s in what to do with the feelings.

For instance, let’s say that a dad is playfully wrestling with his young daughter and finds that he is getting an erection. A healthy dad might think to himself, “Oops!,” beg out of the roughhousing, and say to his daughter, “Why don’t you grab the mitts so we can work on your pitching?” or “How about a game of Scrabble?” A less-healthy dad might keep doing the same activity over and over without adjusting to the reality of the situation.

Upon discovering their own arousal, some very good dads withdraw from physical and sometimes even emotional contact with a child. In these cases, dad’s own harsh superego can ruin a very important parent-child relationship. This can be quite sad for both parent and child, if the relationship had been a healthy one to begin with.

As for mother-son feelings, let’s say that mom enjoys rubbing her teenage son’s back, but finds that she is starting to have a sexual response. Maybe it’s time to give Junior a quick hug instead and to realize that it is more appropriate for him to have his back rubbed by girls his own age. Or maybe mom enjoys the way her son’s teenage body looks. This is fine, but it starts to cross the line if she ends up in his bedroom whenever he is getting undressed. Particularly troublesome are lonely moms who encourage their sons to share the bed with them, unless such conditions are dictated by abject poverty. The same is true for lonely dads.

Problems sometimes abound in families where the parents’ sexual relationship is not a particularly good one. One of the children might decide that it’s up to him or her to be a replacement spouse. What’s amazing about this kind of mutual seduction is if a therapist suggests that something might be askew, both parent and child may glare at the therapist as though he or she were some sort of twisted pervert. Especially destructive are situations where the parent alternates between being seductive and puritanical.

It’s not possible to set specific rules and standards for all households. For instance, nudity in one family might be perfectly healthy, while nudity in another family might be part of a syrupy, seductive mess. And while it might be best for parents to put boundaries on one child’s sexual expression, another child might do well with the opposite kind of response. For instance, a teenager who is an exhibitionist with his or her naked body can clearly use some limit-setting, while a highly-inhibited child who is embarrassed about his or her body might find it helpful to hear that it’s OK to be naked. Another example involves a young child who enjoys masturbating before naps or when tucked into bed as mom or dad are reading a favorite story. This is perfectly normal. However, another child who rocks and masturbates anxiously throughout the day needs help.

It would be nice to say that common sense should prevail, but when it comes to sexual development within the family, there doesn’t seem to be an abundance of collective common sense in our culture.

Explaining Puberty

“When I got my first period I was excited, but then my mother wouldn’t let me climb trees or play with the guys anymore.”
female age 55

“My mom had always been really open with me, so I was prepared when my body started changing. I was even glad to get my period.
female age 19

“I started growing awfully fast and none of my clothes fit anymore. I’d consume everything in the refrigerator and would still feel hungry. My armpits had never perspired or smelled. Suddenly, it was like someone had turned on a faucet under each one. I dreaded being called on in morning classes, because I’d often have a raging hard-on. My beard was really strange, mostly boyhood fuzz with man hairs growing through it. So I appropriated one of my dad’s razors and started shaving. I didn’t know why I was suddenly having wet dreams, and I used to hide my underwear and wash them myself so my mom wouldn’t see the stains. I was sure I was damaging myself by masturbating once a day, but couldn’t stop to save my life. Hair started growing from my neck down. And suddenly there were zits. That’s what I remember of puberty. It would have been nice if a parent or some adult had taken a moment to explain some of these things to me.”
male age 44

It never hurts to let your children know that their bodies will change as they get older. Of course, you will need to address the issue in different ways depending on the child’s age. For instance, you can tell your 7-year-old that puberty is what happens when you stop looking like a kid and start looking like an adult—that boys get taller, their voices deepen, they start getting hair under their armpits and around their genitals. You can also say that girls’ hips start to get wider, they grow breasts, and their armpits and genitals get hair too. For more about teenage boys and their unwanted erections, see Chapter 5:
On The Penis
.