The Guide to Getting It On (79 page)

In Europe, prostitutes are plentiful and legal. Contacts can be made through night clubs, bars and online.

Sex in Home Bases with Spouses of Others

“There is one extreme or the other in the military. You either have sex on the casual or you really fall in love with them. Those that I knew that wanted to stay together were completely faithful to each other and some even left the military together.”
male age 25

“I had a lady friend during a remote assignment who was married to another AF member stationed elsewhere, and they seemed to have an understanding that going without sex for a long time apart wasn’t a reasonable expectation. Although she and I were never intimate, she made it plain that she was willing if I was. My only sexual encounters while apart from my wife were casual, with no expectations of a lasting relationship.”
male age 54

“Most couples that I know usually ended in divorce or breaking up. I’m not sure that it was because of infidelity or not. But a lot of the women I slept with were married.”
male age 23

“Couples were fooling around a lot on both ends. There were places you could go if you wanted to pick someone’s wife.”
male age 24

While we have heard from plenty of military people who say they remained true blue to their spouse or lover, we have heard from plenty who didn’t. It’s not unheard of for married couples to have understandings that all is fair in love and war, or when deployed or on tour. Whether these understandings are spoken or merely understood varies with the people involved.

Masturbation

“Most guys after a while would pretty much talk about it openly. From what I gathered everyone was doing it in their bed (rack). It’s enclosed on all sides and pretty much offers the most privacy. The only other place I would masturbate is in the shower. Some masturbated in the places they worked at day to day (shops). Although it is tempting because of the access to a t.v. and a computer, I only did this once. A few people I’ve know over the years were really open about it. So open as to not stop if accidentally walked in on them. They would simply ask you to come back later.“
male age 24

“I would masturbate late at night when the rest of the hooch was asleep, or in the showers. I don’t recall being aware of anyone else doing it, but the general attitude was everybody did it sometime.”
male age 44

“My roommates and myself were usually pretty good friends and we knew each other rather well. If one of us had to beat off we would usually just ask the other person to leave for awhile or to take their time at the store or wherever they were at the time. Or you just take a walk to the bathroom and stroke it in the stall.”
male age 23

“I did it very quietly. We had curtains on our bunks but you could usually tell when someone was solo pleasuring. You didn’t say anything as everyone did it and you wouldn’t like it if things were said about you.”
male age 44

E.M.H.O.s

“I don’t recall any incidents where a morning erection (E.M.H.O. for Early Morning Hard On) became an issue. We joked about it a lot when coming to the end of midnight shifts. Morning erections aren’t just for people waking up, there’s something about dawn that seems to bring them on!”
male age 54

Not a single man in our surveys said that early morning erections were a concern. Some said everyone had them, it was a normal part of being a guy, and no big deal. Another said he suspected the military was putting something in the food to decrease early morning erections during during basic training, because he doesn’t remember getting one after the first week. He does remember getting many of them after basic training. Who knows the impact of exhaustion and fear on the spontaneous erection?

Swingers & Nudists in the Military

Swinging and nudism is a fairly prominent activity in the military. This is especially true in bases in Europe or parts of Asia where the social prohibitions against swinging and nudism are not as great as they are in the US.

“Where to find sex?”

“You really don’t have to go anywhere. It usually finds you.”
male age 29

“Local clubs known to be meat markets.”
male age 37

“Probably the bars on post. They are usually full of married women looking for someone to play with while their husbands are away.”
male age 23

Unlike males, women in the military seldom needed any help in finding partners. For men, the Internet is now being used for finding sex. This echoes its use in civilian life. Where soldiers go online depends on what kind of sex they are looking for.
Www.USMilitarySingles.com
appears to be a legitimate dating service. It also hooks up soldiers with interested civilians who live in the surrounding communities.

Between Gay and Bisexual

“It’s somewhat expected that everyone will date; if you don’t date, coworkers will assume you’re a homosexual. While this is very seldom true, it is a stigma.”
male age 47

“While on ship, I had sex with as many guys as I wanted and as often as I wanted it. I had sex with men and women—in deep corners and heck, even in the barbershop once!”
male age 31

“There were very few homos onboard ship. It was never a concern.”
male age 43

“A lot of military in Washington use Craigslist. You would see men on the site advertise for women at first and then as the day went on and the posting came later and later you would see the same men advertising for any sex. Some of them wanting their first homosexual experience. These were guys in their early 20s, in their sexual prime.”
male age 24

Our survey-takers are apparently not typical, as there wasn’t a single one who said he or she felt homosexuals were a concern for them in the military. None reported feeling stared at while in the showers, and none listed homosexuality in others as a cause of concern. There does appear to be a well hidden gay and bisexual culture in the military. The men and women who are part of this culture take extreme measures to keep it hidden. It’s nothing for them to drive hours from a base to a private gay club, where there is little likelihood that they will be found out.

How you define “homosexual” in the military is interesting. There is the navy term, “It ain’t queer unless it’s tied to the pier,” which indicates a different set of standards for what happens on land, where women are plentiful, and what happens on board ship. There is also an old military joke that defines a “buddy” as a guy who will go off base while you are restricted to base, get himself two blow jobs, and come back and give you one.

It can be dangerous for any man or women in the military to not date or have “girlfriend” or “boyfriend,” as they risk being perceived as gay. Gay officers have to be particularly careful, as other officers’ wives are constantly trying to set them up. A “stunt babe” is a woman who poses as a gay soldier’s girlfriend at military events and whose picture he keeps on his desk. She is the military equivalent of a “beard.”

Gay Females in the Military

Contrary to what you might think, lesbians can have a pretty rough time in the military, especially tomboyish dykes as opposed to fem-looking lesbians. Everyone is expecting women in the military to be gay, so straight women in uniform can be especially sensitive to this. They consider their gay sisters as a bad mark on the family name, and often display a total lack of tolerance. Lesbians in the military quickly learn this, and constant scrutiny can become nightmarish. While straight girls in the military can have a sexual heyday, lesbians in the military say they won’t even risk kissing another woman in “the privacy” of a base apartment, let alone muff-diving when on government-owned real estate. All eyes are on any woman who is thought to be gay.

In her piece
No Ass, No Tail,
Myriam Gurba says that real military dykes aren’t getting laid. She quotes one lesbian who said she believed herself to be the only dyke among 60 girls in her basic training outfit. Given the rampant homophobia, she said, “I think living in close quarters with 60 women was actually one of the most dreadful experiences I’ve had to endure.”

While there can be opportunities for homosexual exploration, it would seem to be among women who no one suspects as being gay. Otherwise, they are too well watched for it to be comfortable.

Advice from People Who Have Been There

“I wish that I was told about the sexual reputations of all branches and how much people in military towns resented you before they even met you.”
male age 24

“Military people enjoy sex pretty much the same as everybody else. The dangers of military service, and the travel and deployments, make an active sex life a little more challenging, I suppose. I always appreciated a sexy welcome home, even though I realized that my being away increased my wife’s burdens a great deal. Popular culture paints military members as macho types who enjoy rough sex and even rape. The truth is military people are the same as everybody else in the sex department, and what works for civilians works for GIs equally as well.”
male age 54

“If it’s going to be casual sex, make sure you both agree and understand this. Don’t talk about any sexual partner with coworkers, ever.”
male 47

“Here in Iraq, it’s really hard... I feel too dirty and stinky to talk to girls here, and a lot of times coming back to the fob, we’ve seen contact with the enemy and are maybe upset, or are not into talking to girls because we’ve just seen the edge of humanity, like a dead body or dead friend, and the last thing on your mind is having sex. Also exhaustion is a factor.”
male age 23

A Talk with an Active Duty Solider

The author of
The Guide
recently had an hour-long talk with a young soldier who was on leave from Afghanistan. This soldier had already served two tours in Iraq. The following is a partial reconstruction of the conversation from a few notes scrawled on the back of an envelope.

Some soldiers say they are too exhausted or traumatized to want very much sex when they’re in combat. What’s it been like for you?

I enjoy sex and have it whenever I can. I have a much higher sex drive now than when I was in high school. My body is on hyper alert when I’m out on patrol and I can’t shut it off just because I’m back at base. After what I see and do out there, the sex helps me reconnect with a sense of humanity.

Where do you find sex in Afghanistan?

There’s a lot of sex on base!!!

What about prostitution?

I’ve been with prostitutes in Iraq and in Afghanistan. They’re not out in the open, but you can find them if you ask around. Some that I’ve been with speak English. I’ve spent entire nights just talking with them. The women are exotic, and I find that very appealing. It’s different than being with a woman here at home. The sex is incredible, but so is being with a woman from such a different culture. I know a lot of the guys just want to have sex and get off, but I want to talk for hours first.

What about the female soldiers on base? Are they up for sex?

This isn’t going to sound so good, but there’s a lot of people having a lot of sex on base and I don’t see relationships back home being a detriment.

If you work hard to please a woman on base sexually, and you do a good job, the women will talk about you to other women. Word gets around if you’re good and who you are, so it’s not at all unusual for a woman to come around in the afternoon or night and ask if you’re available to have sex. It’s real straightforward, nobody gets embarrassed, none of the games like when you’re back home. If you’re available and she’s someone you’d like to have sex with, then you say yes. Or maybe you’ll say “I’m really sorry, but there’s already someone I’ll be with tonight.”

And yes, the women have sex with each other. Most of the women aren’t gay, it just happens. And maybe it’s nice having sex with other women when you’re surrounded by so many guys.