The House of Roses (41 page)

***

At just before 9:00, Caitlin stepped into her mother's shop. It was quiet, and dimly lit, yet inviting. Caitlin paused for a moment and closed her eyes. There was something so comforting about being surrounded by such splendor to the senses, and for a moment, it was easy to forget there was anything wrong.

“
Cate, is that you?” Rita asked, her voice sounding small and distant.

“
It's me,” Caitlin said, as she wound her way through the shop toward her mother's voice.

“
How are you?” Rita asked, as Caitlin came into sight. Rita Hollings sat at a bench with a sketchpad in front of her. Caitlin just looked at it, as she felt new tears forming.

“
I'm okay. How are you feeling, Mom?”

“
I'm hanging in there, kiddo. How's your head?”

“
I actually forgot about it,” Caitlin said, rubbing her right hand over the bump that had seemingly vanished overnight. “I guess it's better,” she added.

“
Good.”

What are you doing?” Caitlin asked.

“
I'm designing an arrangement.”

“
For Ella,” Caitlin whispered, and although it wasn't a question, Rita nodded.

“
It has to be perfect,” Rita said, immersing herself in her work.

“
It will be. Your work always is.”

“
Hers was better. She worked from the heart.”

“
So do you,” Caitlin said, defending her mother.

“
Not like she did.”

“
You don't give yourself enough credit,” Caitlin said, taking a seat on the empty stool next to Rita's.

“
I guess I don't think I deserve it,” Rita said, and although it sounded like momentary pity, Caitlin suspected it wasn't.

“
Maria said some interesting things to me last night,” Caitlin said softly.

“
Oh?” Rita said, as she filled her coffee cup from an old red thermos whose label had worn away.

“
She's in therapy now. She had a really bad childhood, Mom. I don't think she ever dealt with it until recently.”

“
That's a shame. That sets the stage for our entire lives.”

“
It does. I've had a good life, Mom.”

“
You seem wounded, Cate.”

“
That's mainly because of what has happened recently. If I had a good childhood, who do you think should be thanked for that?”

“
Your father?” Rita asked, sipping gently at the steaming mug she held in her left hand.

“
You couldn't help me out here, could ya?” Caitlin whined. “You are a damn good mother, Rita. You're weird as shit.....sorry, I know you don't like profanity. Let me try that again. You're eccentric and odd as the day is long, but I've always envied that.”

“
You have?” Rita asked incredulously.

“
Yes. You're at peace with your life, and with who you are, and despite what has happened, you'll still be that way. I didn't know how to be peaceful or happy. I thought there needed to be more, that I needed to have this great big life, and I don't. Maria reminded me of that last night. What you told her is true, Mom. This is a good place to find yourself, and I think that's maybe what I've done. I've found me, the real me, the me who isn't defined by a career, or a man. I've discovered the person I am without all of those things.”

“
That's impressive, Caitlin.”

“
I know. Maria told me something else. She told me regret is a lousy thing, and everyone regrets things they do, but we can't go back. All we really have is now.”

“
That's true,” Rita said softly.

“
We said we'd be okay for Ella,” Caitlin said. “It's what she'd want.”

“
It is.”

“
So let's be okay, but it has to be more than words, Mom. We can't just say we're going to do that, we have to actually do it. And, I knew what you were doing out here.”

“
Sketching?”

“
No. You are beating yourself up. I know you. You were sitting out here replaying everything in your mind, and wishing you could change things. You may not care what people think about you, but you care how they feel. And you feel things, really feel them, and that's why you're so damn hard on yourself when you think you've hurt someone.”

“
Maybe.”

“
You know that's true.”

“
It is,” Rita admitted. “So, you think I'm happy.” 

“
Are you happy, Mom?” 

“
Are you?”

“
I asked you first.”

“
Mostly,” Rita said softly.

“
What would make you happier?”

“
You want a list?”

“
Why not?” Caitlin asked, and Rita sighed.

“
This is hard. I don't really think about myself. What do I want?  Okay, I'd like to take an art class, and maybe even open a gallery one day. I'd also like to go out with that doctor. I'm tired of being alone. In a sad way, I think I avoided men because of Ella. After Daddy died, Ella and I became two old biddies together, and we were kind of a team.”

“
What doctor?” Caitlin asked.

“
I poured my heart out, Cate, and that's all you can ask?” Rita said, ignoring Caitlin's question, and although she sounded annoyed, she was smiling.

“
What doctor?” Caitlin repeated.

“
Stan.”

“
The guy from the tent?” Caitlin asked.

“
Yes. His wife died about eight years ago.”

“
You like him?”

“
Very much.”

“
Does he know?”

“
I think so, or he's more obsessed with flowers than any man who's ever lived. He comes here. A lot.”

“
I think you should tell him, Mom. Tell him you like him.”

“
Women didn't do that when I was young.”

“
Well, they do it now.”

“
Women just call men and ask them out?”

“
All the time.”

“
Okay.”

“
Okay what?” Caitlin asked.

“
Okay, I'll ask him out for coffee, or lunch. Oh, Ella would shit if she was here!”

“
Mom!”

“
What?  I don't like profanity, but it doesn't mean I don't use it. When you work with thorns all the time, like we do, did.........., like I do,” Rita fumbled. “When you work with thorns, words come out sometimes. There were times these walls echoed with those words,” Rita said, and Caitlin chuckled. “Did you decide to go to the hospital with Liz?” Rita asked, changing the subject and growing somber again.

“
I did. She's picking me up in half an hour. Is that okay?” 

“
Yes, Caitlin, as long as you're all right with it.”

“
I'm not all right with anything just yet.”

“
You will be. We all will be.”

“
I know. I don't want you to feel left out today. Do you feel left out, Mom?”

“
No. I want to be here. This is where I feel closest to her.”

“
Okay. Maria wanted to know if she could stay. She wants to be here with us for the funeral,” Caitlin said softly.

“
The funeral.......,” Rita said, sounding agonized. “For a minute, I'd almost forgotten.”

“
I know.”

“
That's going to be really hard,” Rita admitted, as her eyes filled with tears again.

“
That's why she wants to stay.”

“
I'd like her to stay.”

“
She and Nathan are going to watch the twins today. I thought that would be easier for you.”

“
It would be. And it's not that I don't love them, because I do; they are precious, Cate. I just need to be here today. I feel her here with me,” Rita said, as she wiped her eyes on the flowered apron she wore.

“
Of course she's here. This is where she loved to be,” Caitlin said softly, and Rita smiled. “You sure you're okay, Mom?”

“
I'll be okay.”

“
I love you,” Caitlin said. She stood up from the stool, and put her arms around her mother. “I want to make sure you know that.”

“
I know. I love you too, Caitlin.”

“
I'll call you later,” Caitlin promised.

“
All right, sweetheart. Be strong.”

“
I will.”

Rita watched as Caitlin walked away. She opened the sketch pad and looked at the drawing she had begun at dawn. It wasn't a sketch of flowers. It was Ella, when she was young, like Rita wanted to remember her. It was reminiscent of a time when things were easier, when they were both truly happy. Rita cried as she looked at it. Life was too short, too fleeting, and Ella's had ended in a blink. Rita made a promise to herself, as she wept for the woman who had been her best friend. She would find a way to be truly happy again. It was the most loving tribute she could make to the woman who had sacrificed her own happiness to save the life of her best friend.

“
You did save me, Ella,” Rita whispered. “Thank you, my dear friend. I'll never forget you.”

Rita closed the pad, and poured herself more coffee. She was lifting the cup to her lips when suddenly she stopped and set it aside. She smelled roses. There were only a few in a refrigerated case near the front of the shop. The remainder were struggling against the threat of autumn, in the garden Ella had tended on a daily basis.

“
You here, my friend?” Rita asked, gazing around the empty shop. The smell grew stronger, and Rita smiled. “I thought so. Welcome back,” she whispered.

Forty-five

Colin Thomas was packing when his cell phone rang at 10:30. He looked up, and tried to determine where he'd left the phone amongst the incredible mess that surrounded him.

“
Hello,” he barked, having finally found the phone on a box in the farthest corner of his bedroom. “Hey, Caren. How are things going there?”  Immediately he frowned. “Shit,” he said. “I was afraid of this,” he admitted, before apologizing for the profanity. “Okay, Caren. Thanks. I'll see you guys there around 3:00.”

Rosario was worse, so much so that Caren didn't need a background in medicine to know. She didn't have much time, and Colin was familiar with that last surge of energy before the final phase of dying began. He had seen it over the last few days, yesterday included.

“
Shit!” he shouted, at a loss for words. He sat cross legged on his bedroom floor, and  leaned his head back against the bed. Faith appeared in the doorway of his bedroom, and pensively crawled into his lap. Colin hugged the dog to his chest, and cried for ten minutes. He'd never considered himself an overly emotional man, but lately he had been crying more than he'd ever cried before. Something was waking up inside of him, some emotional overload he wasn't sure how to handle. He'd felt it for days. He felt it at the beach, and in Spokane, and he'd felt it during his walk of revelation that morning, and even while he'd been crouching down ten minutes before, scooping up dog shit with a Walgreen's bag. He wondered if he'd ever wake up again and feel like the old Colin, the Colin he'd been for thirty-nine years, the Colin who didn't cry, who didn't feel like he was falling apart. On second thought, he hoped he wouldn't. He liked the new Colin a hell of a lot more. 

***

Caitlin sat quietly in the back seat of Howie Parker's SUV. Liz sat beside her. No one cried, but the mood was somber. The morning sun had shined too briefly and the blue sky had disappeared beneath an ominous cloud cover that seemed to convey a prophecy of death. The clouds shed no rain, but they darkened the day and the mood of the passengers in the silver SUV.

“
I need to go to Ella's house later, Cate. We can drop you off, or  you can come. It's up to you,” Liz Parker said softly.

“
I'll go with you. I've only been there once,” Caitlin said. Liz glanced at her and Caitlin could see her own grief mirrored in the older woman's face.

“
I'm sorry for you, Caitlin. This is an awful lot to take in all at once,” Liz said.