The House of Roses (40 page)

“
I'm sorry, too.”

“
I'm glad you're here,” Rita whispered.

“
So am I.”

“
Please don't go. Can you stay, like you planned?  Can you stay, at least for a while?”

“
Yes.”

“
Can we be close, Caitlin?  Can we be a family again?”

“
Yes. You're my family, Mom. You always were, and you always will be.”

“
I'm going to miss her so much,” Rita whined, and Caitlin could feel her mother's thin body shake against her own.

“
I know. Let's go back inside, Mom. Nathan needs us. This is a lot for him, too.”

“
I know.”

Nathan sat at the kitchen table, sipping wine from an old Tupperware cup.

“
I didn't know where you kept the glasses,” Maria said.

“
In the hutch in the dining room,” Rita replied.

“
Are you guys all right?” Nathan asked.

“
Honestly, no,” Caitlin said softly. “But we will be.”

Rita smiled a weak smile at her daughter, and Nathan stood to hug her.

“
Did you wash that cup?” Rita asked.

“
After the blender incident?  You better believe I did,” Nathan said, and everyone laughed. The laughter sounded good.

“
You know what makes me really sad?” Caitlin asked, and everyone looked at her. “The babies will never know her,” Caitlin said, and the tears welling in Rita's eyes spilled over again.

“
They will, Caitlin,” Maria whispered, and Caitlin looked at her. “They'll know her, because you did. You'll tell them about her. You will, and Rita will, and Nathan will. They'll know her because she'll live on in the people who remember her.”

“
They'll know her, Cate, because you'll write about this,” Rita said.

“
I don't know if I should now.”

“
Aunt Ella would want you to,” Nathan said, and Caitlin nodded.

“
Let's get through the next few days, Cate, and when you start your new book, the right words will come,” Rita offered, and Maria flinched.

“
Like the last one?” Maria asked, and Caitlin swatted her.

“
This one will be different,” Caitlin promised. “It won't be empty.”

“
Speaking of empty,” Nathan said, holding up the orange cup. “I'm not big on liquid medication, but do you have any more wine, Rita, and maybe a cup that isn't orange?”

“
There's wine in the cellar. I'll get the glasses from the hutch.”

“
I'll get the glasses, Mom. I don't feel up to doing those rickety stairs,” Caitlin said.

“
Thanks, Cate.”

“
So, how are you enjoying your time with me?” Nathan asked softly, after Caitlin and Rita had left the kitchen. Maria looked at him and managed a weak smile.

“
I'm glad I'm here.”

“
Me, too.”

Nathan's cell phone rang, and he politely excused himself and walked into the living room. He reappeared a moment later.

“
Was that Liz?” Rita asked. She stood at the counter opening a bottle of wine, looking slightly more composed. Caitlin looked crushed, but she had stopped crying. Still,  Nathan had to avert his eyes from her to keep himself together.

“
She wanted to know if she and Dad could come over here. She doesn't know what to do with herself. I told her that was fine.”

“
It is,” Rita said. “I can make coffee.”

“
I'll put the babies to bed,” Caitlin said.

“
I'll help you,” Maria offered.

Caitlin picked up Hannah and held her to her shoulder. “This is what people mean when they talk about the circle of life,” Caitlin said, as she rubbed her daughter's back. “They come into the world, and someone else leaves. I just wish it hadn't been Ella.”

“
Me, too,” Rita said.

“
Yeah, me too,” Nathan said. He had helped himself to another glass of wine, and took a long sip as he watched Caitlin and Maria with the babies. “They're so precious, Caitlin. They'll give us all the strength to get through this.”

“
You're right, Nathan. They're so beautiful and so sweet, and they have no idea how sad we are. They're so innocent, and all I want to do is protect them, because I never want them to be hurt.”

“
Everyone gets hurt, Caitlin,” Maria whispered.

“
I know. I know that, Maria. I know they have to find their own way in life, and find their own way to cope with things that hurt them. I know how I'm going to get through this. I'm going to write. I'm going to write about Ella. That's what I'm going to do.”

“
Remember, Caitlin, you don't have to figure everything out right now,” Rita said, and Caitlin nodded.

“
I know. I'll be right back, guys. I'm gonna take them upstairs.”

“
Okay, Cate,” Rita said. “Thanks for helping her, Maria.”

“
Thanks for letting me,” Maria said, as she followed Caitlin up the stairs.

“
Are we going to be okay?” Rita asked Nathan, when she was sure they were alone.

“
We have to be.”

“
I'm worried about Caitlin.”

“
So am I, but she'll be all right, Rita. This is part of life, the crappy part, mind you, but part of it nonetheless. Somehow we'll be okay. Ella wouldn't want us to get lost in this.”

“
I know. I can't imagine life without her, Nathan. She was my best friend.”

“
I know,” he said, laying his hand on Rita's arm.

“
I'm glad Caitlin is staying here for a while. I don't want to be alone here anymore,” Rita admitted. “I'd be alone in the shop and in the house. God, I miss Ella already.”

“
I know. So do I,” Nathan said. Rita nodded, but said nothing more. She seemed to be lost in thought, and she swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.

Caitlin and Maria returned a few minutes later, and Rita excused herself to wash her face. She reappeared after only a moment looking refreshed, but tired and drawn, as they all did.

Liz and Howie Parker arrived and Nathan met them at the door. Liz was crying, but only softly, and the mood was subdued as their loss became real. Rita had made coffee, but no one seemed to want it. Maria opened another bottle of wine and they shared it, and then drank another, and another still. They laughed and cried together, and as the night hours passed, they shared stories of the woman they had loved and lost. It was a long, agonizing night filled mainly with sorrow and heartbreak, interrupted by occasional laughter, but they spent it together. It was what Ella would have wanted.

At dawn, Rita dumped the coffee that had sat on the counter all night, and gently laid the wine bottles in the recycling bin. Liz Parker and her husband had left an hour before. Nathan slept in the recliner and Maria and Caitlin had finally gone upstairs and slept together in Caitlin's double bed. Rita was grateful for Maria's company. She knew how much Caitlin needed a friend right now. The twins still slept, lost in their baby dreams, and the baby monitor on the table remained quiet and the house eerily silent.

Rita waited until the silence was broken by the gurgling of the coffee pot and when it was finished, she poured herself a cup and walked outside onto her front porch. The sun was just beginning to rise in all its splendor, shining light on the garden where her best friend had tended her beloved roses. Rita felt as though her heart was truly breaking, as if it would suddenly cease to beat in its state of disrepair. She watched in amazement as the sun rose, shining its restorative light on the world below it. She relished the peace of early morning, when the world seemed unsoiled, and most of its occupants still lay blanketed by the comfort of sleep. Despite their loss, the world didn't pause, it didn't stop, it simply kept going, and life went on, without Ella.

The world didn't pause, but for a moment, Rita did. She sat on the porch railing and leaned her head back against the weathered post. She paused, and she cried for the friend she had lost, for the woman who had given her more than anyone she had ever known. The world around her remained silent as her tears fell one by one. She wept. For Ella.

Forty-four

The sun seemed to take longer to rise in Manhattan. Its glow filled Colin's bedroom, but it would be afternoon before it was perched above the many high rises in the city. Colin  had spent a restless night, and had gotten little sleep. Twice he had reached for Caitlin, only to find it was a puppy he held to his chest. He rose from his bed, and carefully wound his way through the boxes that were piled throughout the small space. He stepped into the hallway and Faith greeted him excitedly.

“
Is it my imagination, or do you look guilty?” he asked the dog, who responded by eying him curiously. He discovered the source of the dog's guilt when he stepped into the living room and into a small puddle. Colin was finding the definition of  “housebroken” might not mean what everyone thought it did. 

“
I don't like the carpet myself, but I don't pee on it,” Colin muttered, as he removed his soaking wet gym socks, and padded barefoot to the kitchen for paper towels.

He deposited the paper towels onto the puddle, as was becoming somewhat of a habit, and walked into his bedroom to change his clothes, and get fresh socks.

“
Can you hold the rest of it while I change?” he called to the dog, who watched him from the doorway. “Why am I talking to you like you understand?” he asked, and Faith tipped her head, likely as a reaction to the changing timbre of his voice, not because she understood.

“
Okay, let's go for a walk,” he said, as he hooked the leash to the dog's collar.

The morning was cool and damp, and Colin felt a chill that seemed to settle in his heart. He couldn't believe he had seen Caitlin by chance, not once, but twice, and he had to wonder if the fates were trying to tell him something.

Faith waddled by his side, finally squatting to take care of business on a small grassy patch half a block from the condo. Colin retrieved it with the plastic bag, wondering if he would be a real shit if he delegated that job in the future to his trusted Caren.
Yeah, that would be shitty.
He smiled at the thought, and for a moment he felt better. He was reminded of his time in Spokane earlier in the week, and he thought of calling his aunt. He'd see how his meeting with Caitlin went the following day and then he'd call her. Then he could report on his excellent behavior, or whine to her that he'd been an ass, depending on how their meeting went.
Meeting? 
He wondered why he kept referring to it as a meeting in his thoughts, when it was anything but. Sure, they'd meet, but they weren't negotiating a deal, or discussing any medical issue. They were talking about their lives. It wasn't a meeting. Colin felt as though it would be an assembly of moments that would change their lives, possibly forever.

His stomach turned with anxiety, and he quickly headed back to the condo with Faith in tow. He decided he'd try to sleep a bit more and then spend a few hours packing the rest of his things. Caren had promised to meet Rosario at 11:00 to help her finish in time for the 2:00 deadline. It would be a busy day, and frankly, Colin would be glad when it was over and they were settled into the new house. He wished it was a more joyful time, and they were moving into the house under happier circumstances. He kept thinking of the house as a place where someone would die, but suddenly he realized it was a place they would live. He would live there. Mia would live there. Caren would live there, and Rosario would live there, although no one knew how long. As he walked with Faith waddling at his side, he remembered the Realtor in Spokane. He wondered if she would sell the small plot on which the house where Colin had lived as a boy, once stood. He hoped she would. Someone needed to put a house there, to make a home there, and fill that home with love. It was those things that made a house a home, and Colin was amazed to discover that for a man so well educated, he was a pathetically slow learner. He was coming to terms with his life, discovering what was truly important.

He glanced at the dog, and realized how something so simple could bring someone such contentment. He was walking a dog, his dog, on a beautiful fall day. His leg felt great, and suddenly, despite his exhaustion, Colin felt great, too. He smiled, and the dog, as if sensing his excitement, danced around at his feet. So, this was it. This was happiness. He'd tried to make it too complex, when in reality, it was simple. True joy was found in the simplicity of life.
How could he not have known?
  At that moment he made a commitment to himself, a promise that traveled from his head, to his heart, and then across his lips. He spoke the promise aloud, telling the universe. Caitlin would be pleased. He would make the house in Brooklyn a home, and he would fill that home with love, and surround himself with simple pleasures that would bring with them great joy. He would do it for Caitlin, for Mia, for himself.