The Lonely Girl (16 page)

“We took that when we visited for orientation. We were going to keep pictures of your time there and give it to you. I decided to do it even though he’s not here.” I nod. In an odd way, it’s still a true picture. We both wish he was here with us. No one is saying anything.

“Thanks, Alec. I love all of it.” He gives me a tight smile telling me this was just as hard for him as it was for me. 

I am barely holding it together so I excuse myself saying I’m going to go lay down with a headache, but it’s more like due to heartache. I go up to my room and shut all the blinds. I try calling Jake. I need him, to talk to him, but his phone is still going straight to voicemail. “It’s Jake leave a message and I might get back to you.” I want to chuckle at his message, but I’m too emotionally drained. “Hey, Jakey. I love you. Merry Christmas. I miss you.” I put my phone down and drift to sleep.

I hear a few knocks on my door, but I tell them to leave me alone I’m not feeling well. I hear a loud knock. “Go away.” Thinking its Alec again trying to apologize for upsetting me with the pictures he gave me. I’d already told him the first time he came and knocked that it wasn’t that, I was just exhausted. With going to Michael’s grave and today, I’m emotionally spent. The knock is even louder this time. “Guy’s I’m
fine, just tired. Let me sleep.” I look at the clock. I slept through lunch, and it’s almost dinner.

“Beckers, if you don’t get off that pretty ass of yours and open this
door, I’m going to break it down.” Jake! I scramble from my bed and run to the door hauling it open.

“Jake.” I jump to him, and he hugs me tightly. “I missed
you, what are you doing here?”

He laughs. “Like I’d miss seeing you on Christmas.” I know he’s somewhat telling the truth.

“My brother called you, didn’t he? But when?”

He chuckles and just shakes his head. “He did call me but I was planning on coming anyway. He called me yesterday after you went to the graveyard.”

I nod my head. “It was hard, but I needed to do it.” I knew I had to say my goodbyes and there’d never be a good time. I know that. It would never get any easier.

“Merry Christmas
, Beckers. Love you.” He bends down and gives me a soft kiss and hands me a box. I open it, and it contains a charm bracelet. It has the Eiffel Tower, a paint brush, and a griffin on it. The last one catches my eye. It’s a Celtic knot. I look up at him. “I figured we could try Ireland next time.”

I smile and nod. “
Jake, this is awesome. I love it.” I jump back and run over to his present in my room. I hand it to him, and as he opens it, I see a grin on his face. I took a picture my cousin had taken of us and turned it into a watercolour portrait.

“This is my favourite picture of us
, Beckers.” I fidget and look down at the ground.

“You said you wanted me to make you something for your wall and I instantly thought of this picture. It was our first day in Paris.” It’s such an intimate gift and at the time of this picture I thought we’d be more than best friends.

“I remember.” He puts the picture on my bed. “Becca, I don’t know where I’d be without you. I know things have been rough for you lately, but no matter what you’ve always got me. Remember that okay?” I nod.

“I love you, Jake. Merry Christmas.

Chapter 14

The rest of the holiday with my parents was fine. I still had nightmares and eventually my brother suggested we head back early to settle in before classes start. Actually, I think he couldn’t handle me waking him up screaming anymore. We all decide to drive back together instead of Jake flying back by himself. Jake and I are in the back while my brother and Keegan are
in the front fighting about hockey teams. I just laugh at how worked up they get over being rival teams. Jake leans over and just looks at me.

“What
, Jake?” I know he wants to ask me something.

“Why don’t you drive? I know you have your license but I’ve never seen you behind the wheel. When we were in Paris you wouldn’t drive with me.” Oh, Jake did you have to ask that question. I look to see if the others have heard, but they’re still fighting about hockey.

“Jake, I haven’t driven since the day I got in the accident with Michael. Other than a few people, I won’t be in a vehicle with anyone else driving. I don’t know why but I panic even thinking about driving again. I’m not going to drive again and I’m okay with that.”

Jake just nods. He knows that this isn’t something I care to talk about. He also isn’t trying to push me
to drive like my brother, who always tries to slip it in.

“Thanks
, Jake.” He gives me a confused look, without having to say for what. “For never pushing me, you know my limit and you never try to make me go over it.” He just gives me a big smile.

“That’s because I love you.” I yawn, and he puts my head on his shoulder. I start to drift to sleep, but I keep thinking about what he said. My brother and Keegan love me, but they still push. Jake’s my best friend, that’s why he just gets me.

I stir to Jake lifting me. I try to move, but he just keeps carrying me. “Shush it’s okay, Becca. It’s just me. We’re home. I’ll bring you to bed.” I hear the click of our lock, then I’m being placed on a bed. I look around, it’s my bed.

“Jake.” He was heading out the door and when he looks
back, he changes his mind and comes back to my bed.

“I know your dreams lately haven’t been about Dillon. Your brother thinks
so, but I know you're dreaming about Michael right?” I nod, and he pulls me towards him.

“He doesn’t hate you for moving on or for being angry with him.”

I just shake my head. “But I hate him and he’s not here to tell me it’s okay.” I know the words I’m speaking are true. As much as I hate to say it, but what Michael did and the fact he had my own brother involved makes those words true. 

“I know he doesn’t hate you, Becca, because if I was him I wouldn’t hate you. I love you so much. I know that if I was him I’d just want you to be happy. I’d want you to move on and find someone who makes you happy and smile. I wouldn’t be mad that you can’t visit my grave or that you tell me you hate me. I’d understand that I left you with not many other options. Don’t think because he cheated and didn’t tell you that doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. Please don’t be mad at me for saying
this, but maybe Michael and you weren’t meant to stay together. Maybe if he hadn’t died, this was just the way it was supposed to be. That doesn’t change the love you two shared.” I’ll never get over how Jake can make me feel so safe and understood.

“You’re right,
Jake, but there isn’t a maybe. He and I weren’t meant to be a lifelong love. I know that now, which makes things so much harder because I’m sure I would have broken his heart by telling him it was over. When I went to the grave, for a second, just a second, I was glad I only had to tell a tombstone that. How screwed up does that make me Jake?” I start sobbing. “Why did this have to be my life? Why did Keegan have to take me there and why did my brother have to give me that picture?”

He grabs me tighter and strokes my hair. “I know.” My eyelids get heavy, and I start to float back into sleep.

“You’re going to wake her up.” My eyes open, and I’m sure I heard Jake. I sit up and look around the room. No one is around. I hear yelling, so I head to the door. Before I open it, I hear my brother. “Key, I told your ass she wasn’t ready to go there. Her dreams have gotten worse, man. I told you I was giving her those pictures and that would be all she could handle. You should have listened to me and tried in the summer or at least waited till Jake could have been there.” I sag against the door, they're fighting about me.

“I’m her boyfriend. She needed me there not Jake.”
Keegan’s so angry I can feel him yelling it like he’s right in front of me. Worst part is he’s wrong. I wish Jake was there. Not because he wasn’t enough just because I need them all for different things.

“Well I’m her brother, Keegan! I’ve known her for our entire lives so don’t play that shit with me. I told you when you came to me after she caught you screwing with Sarah that she was damaged and she would need someone to understand that about her. You always jump to conclusions with her just like you did when you found her with Jake.
Instead, you jumped to a theory and didn’t actually listen to her words. Just like you did when I told you she wasn’t okay with going there yet, not after everything she just found out. Then pile the crap Dillon has put on top of that. She’s also trying very hard to be in a relationship with you, bro, because she loves you. But if you keep pushing her, man, this isn’t going to end well. Stop pushing her before she’s ready.”

“She needed me to do this with her not JAKE.” I hear a bang. “I didn’t push
her, she was ready. We needed this to end so we could move forward for us.”

I thought we were fine
, but I guess I was wrong.

“Stop being so selfish, man.  She wasn’t ready. She barricaded herself in her room and didn’t let either of us in. The only one who could get her out was JAKE! So maybe you should take a step back and see that she and Jake are best friends and she needs him more than us sometimes.

“Key, we aren’t trying to say you’re not important, but she clearly isn’t ready. I told you going in. You knew going in she had issues with Michael, their past and Dillon. She loves you but that doesn’t take away that baggage as much as we all wished it did,” Jake adds.

I wish that too
.
Why can’t Keegan understand me like Jake clearly does?

“She loves
me, you’re right. Just not as much as she loves you or as much as she loved Michael,” Keegan states.

I shake my head.
That’s not true, I love you, Keegan. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.

“That’s not fair and you know it, Key. You need to back off and cool down. Michael is always going to be a part of her past.” Jake defended me, but I know that if this fight continues it’s only going to go one way. I hear footsteps, and I worry someone is coming to check on me.

“What about you, Jake? Why can’t you take a step back and let me take care of my girlfriend?”

Oh no, Keegan, don’t, as much as I love you I’d be lost without Jake. He’s the whole reason I survived last summer.

“I’m not going anywhere, no matter how much our friendship might make you insecure. She’s my best friend and I won’t live my life without her,” Jake answers.

“I’m tired of being punished for Michael and Dillon’s mistakes. Clearly I didn’t realize what I signed up for but it sure as hell wasn’t
playing second fiddle to a dead guy and her best friend,” Keegan snaps back.

I hear stomping. Followed by the front door slamming
. Now I know Keegan and I are in jeopardy. I can’t believe he’d say that.

“What the hell, Keegan?” I hear my brother yelling at the do
or.

“He just needs to calm down,” Alec tells Jake.
“He knows she wasn’t ready and he’s beating himself up over it.”

I shake my head because as much as I’d love to believe that, deep down I know what Keegan says he must feel that somewhere.

“Jake, this is bad, there’s no bright side to this fight,” Alec says, with worry in his voice.

I open the door and both of them look to me. “You’re right, Alec this is bad and there is definitely no bright side.”

Chapter 15

“Oh Beckers, I didn’t want you to hear any of that.” Jake comes up to me and hugs me.

“It’s fine. Clearly I thought we were doing well but now I’m not sure if there’s even an us to talk about.
I don’t want to see him, Jake. I know I’ll have to but right now if I see him I may do something I’ll regret.”

Jake
shakes his head as he leads me to his room and locks his door. He goes to the bathroom and locks the adjoining door as well. He guides me to the bed, and we crawl in. I lay against him, tears running down my cheek.

“If you don’t want to see him then you won’t. Alec won’t stand for it. But Becca, what are you thinking?”

I start sobbing. “I’m thinking I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand me. He thinks I’m damaged and well you all do. Maybe you’re right but if I tell him right now how I feel we’d be over.”

Jake sighs. “Becca
, you are not damaged. You’ve had a rough go but you’re not damaged. If he can’t get his head out of his ass to see that, it’s his loss. No matter what, you always have me and I’ll never turn my back on you.”

I still can’t believe he just left. What is Keegan thinking and why is he being like this to Jake? If it comes to a choice between him and Jake, he will lose. “I hope so, Jake. I’d be lost without you.”

I’m drifting off to sleep now, but I still hear Jake. “You’ll never have to find out, Becca.”

I hear a loud bang, and I spring up. I’m
still in Jake’s room. I turn to see Jake putting his finger to his mouth telling me to keep quiet. I nod.

“Where is she?” Oh
no, Keegan’s back, but his words are slurred. He’s been drinking. I hear my door swing open. “WHERE IS SHE, ALEC?”

I’m shaking
. I’ve never heard him like this before.

“Becca, you’re safe. I’m here and Alec will get
Keegan to cool down. He’s just had too much to drink,” Jake whispers.

I cling to him and he strokes my hair and back.

“Man, Key how much did you drink? You need to sleep this off and talk to her later.” I hear Alec question Keegan.

I hear my bedroom door close.

“WHERE is my girlfriend, Alec?” I hear what I assume is his door banging open. “BECCA, REBEECA. Where are you?” I shift, trying to get closer to Jake, now there isn’t any space between us.

“Key, I’m not letting you see her like this. She’s my sister before she’s your girlfriend and I say no.”

“She’s with Jake isn’t she?”

Oh no, he is now banging on Jake’s door.

“Open the door, Jake. I need to talk to Becca NOW!”

I hear shuffling at the door.

“Man, she knows what you said earlier. You need to stop before things are done between you two.”

I nod my head in agreement.

“She what? No way Becca would leave me.”

I shake my head this time.
Love is unconditional but there’s always a limit.

“Key
, you love her. Do us both a favour and go to bed. She did say it. I heard her tell Jake she didn’t want to see you tonight because she might do something she will regret. So before you totally screw yourself go to bed.”

He bangs on
Jake’s door again. I can’t help it. I crawl on top of Jake and put my head in his chest. I’m sobbing so hard I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I feel Jake’s arms circle around me.

Jake shouts, “Alec, he needs to
go, she’s freaking out. Key, just go to bed and calm down, you’re scaring her.”

I hear him running and before I know what
happened, he’s busted the lock on the bathroom door and is now staring at me lying on top of Jake.

“What the hell is this?” Keegan is furious.

“Key, you need to go. Go somewhere tonight and cool off. I can’t have you here upsetting my sister.” My brother is pushing him out the door. I turn and he sees the tears in my eyes.

“Keegan
, just go please. I don’t want to see you.” I’m bawling, this is so hard to say to him. He just stands there. “GET OUT!” I’m screaming and crying so much I start to cough, but my brother has gotten him and pulls him out of the room. I hear my brother pulling him to the door.

“What have I done?” I hear Keegan say. I cling to Jake’s t-shirt.
Yes Keegan, what have you done to us?

“Man
, cool off and come back when you’re calm.”

I hear the door shut and a minute
later, Alec is coming through the very broken bathroom door. “His dumb ass is going to have to fix this door.”

I look to him, and he gives me a puzzled look. I can’t blame him. I’m pretty much straddling Jake,
but I still don’t move and Jake isn’t moving me either. “Becca, are you okay?”

I shake my head. “Nothing about that was okay, Alec.  Has he ever been like this before?” I look to my brother who’s shaking his head.

“Never, Becca. I wouldn’t let you be with someone like that if he was. Not after asshat. He just had too much to drink and feels like he’s losing you.” I feel Jake’s chest rumble.