Read The Merry Wives of Windsor Online
Authors: William Shakespeare
The Merry Wives of Windsor (5 page)
[
Enter Anne
]
Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne.
ANNE
The dinner is on the table, my father desires your
worships’ company.
SHALLOW
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
EVANS
’Od’s plessèd will! I will not be absence at the grace.
[
Exeunt Shallow and Evans
]
ANNE
Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?
SLENDER
No, I thank you,
forsooth
229
, heartily. I am very well.
ANNE
The dinner
attends
230
you, sir.
SLENDER
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth.—
To Simple
Go,
sirrah
,
for all
232
you are my man, go wait upon my cousin
Shallow.
[
Exit Simple
]
A justice of peace sometime may be
beholding
234
to his friend
for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother
be dead: but
what though
236
, yet I live like a poor gentleman
born.
ANNE
I may not go in without your worship: they will not
sit till you come.
SLENDER
I’faith, I’ll eat nothing. I thank you as much as
though I did.
ANNE
I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my
shin th’other day with playing at sword and dagger with a
master of
fence
— three
veneys
for a dish of
stewed prunes
245
—
and, by my troth, I cannot abide the
smell of hot meat
246
since.
Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’th’town?
ANNE
I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.
SLENDER
I love
the sport
249
well, but I shall as soon quarrel at it,
as any man in England. You are afraid if you see the bear
loose, are you not?
ANNE
Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER
That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen
Sackerson
254
loose twenty times, and have taken him by the
chain: but, I
warrant
255
you, the women have so cried and
shrieked at it that it
passed
256
. But women, indeed, cannot
abide ’em: they are very
ill-favoured
257
rough things.
[
Enter Page
]
PAGE
Come, gentle Master Slender, come: we stay for you.
SLENDER
I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE
By
cock and pie
,
you shall not choose
260
, sir. Come,
come.
SLENDER
Nay, pray you lead the way.
PAGE
Come on, sir.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE
Not I, sir, pray you,
keep on
265
.
SLENDER
Truly, I will not go first. Truly, la! I will not do you
that wrong.
ANNE
I pray you, sir.
SLENDER
I’ll rather be unmannerly than
Goes first
troublesome. You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Exeunt
running scene 2
Enter Evans and Simple
EVANS
Go your ways, and ask
of
1
Doctor Caius’ house,
which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly,
which is in the manner of his
nurse
, or his
dry nurse
3
, or his
cook, or his
laundry
, his washer and his
wringer
4
.
SIMPLE
Well, sir.
EVANS
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter.
Gives letter
For it is a ’oman that
altogether’s acquaintance
7
with Mistress
Anne Page. And the letter is to desire and require her to
solicit
9
your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray
you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner, there’s
pippins
10
and cheese to come.
Exeunt
running scene 3
Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nim, Pistol
[
and
]
page
[
Robin
]
FALSTAFF
Mine host of the Garter!
HOST
What says my
bully rook
2
? Speak scholarly and
wisely.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
followers.
HOST
Discard,
bully Hercules
,
cashier
. Let them
wag
6
. Trot,
trot.
FALSTAFF
I
sit at
8
ten pounds a week.
HOST
Thou’rt an emperor:
Caesar
,
Kaiser
and
Pheazar
9
. I
will
entertain
Bardolph: he shall
draw, he shall tap
10
. Said I
well, bully
Hector
11
?
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine host.
HOST
I have spoke. Let him follow.— Let me
To Bardolph
see thee
froth
and lime.
I am at a word
14
: follow.
[
Exit
]
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, follow him. A
tapster
15
is a good trade. An
old cloak makes a new
jerkin
16
: a withered servingman a fresh
tapster. Go, adieu.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
[
Exit Bardolph
]
PISTOL
O base
Hungarian wight
, wilt thou the
spigot
19
wield?
NIM
He was
gotten in drink
.
Is not the humour conceited
20
?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so
acquit
of this
tinderbox
21
. His thefts
were too
open
22
: his filching was like an unskilful singer, he
kept not time.
NIM
The
good humour
is to steal
at a minute’s rest
24
.
PISTOL
‘Convey’, the wise it call. ‘Steal?’ Foh! A
fico
25
for the
phrase.
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost
out at heels
27
.
PISTOL
Why then, let
kibes
28
ensue.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy: I must cony-catch, I must
shift
29
.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL
I
ken the wight
32
: he is of substance good.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I
am about
33
.
PISTOL
Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist
two yards about, but I am now about no waste: I am about
thrift. Briefly, I do mean to
make love to
37
Ford’s wife. I spy
entertainment
in her: she discourses, she
carves
38
, she gives
the
leer
of invitation. I can
construe
the
action
39
of her
familiar
style, and the
hardest voice
40
of her behaviour — to
be
Englished
41
rightly — is, ‘I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’
PISTOL
He hath studied her
will
42
, and translated her will,
out of
honesty
43
, into English.
NIM
The anchor is deep
. Will
that humour pass
44
?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
husband’s purse: he hath a
legion of angels
46
.
PISTOL
As many devils entertain
. And ‘
To her
47
, boy!’ say I.
NIM
The
humour rises
48
: it is good. Humour me the angels.
FALSTAFF
I have
writ me
49
here a letter to her.
Shows letters
And here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me
good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
oeillades
52
. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot,
sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NIM
I thank thee for that
humour
55
.
FALSTAFF
O, she did so
course
56
o’er my exteriors with such a
greedy
intention
57
, that the appetite of her eye did seem to
scorch me up like a
burning-glass
58
. Here’s another letter to
her. She bears the
purse
too: she is a region in
Guiana
59
, all gold
and bounty. I will be
cheaters
60
to them both, and they shall be
exchequers
61
to me. They shall be my East and West Indies,
and I will
trade
62
to them both.— Go bear thou this
To Nim
letter to Mistress Page — and thou this to Mistress
To Pistol
Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL
Shall I Sir
Pandarus of Troy
65
become,
And by my side wear steel
66
? Then Lucifer take all!
Gives back the letter
NIM
I will
run no base humour
67
. Here, take the
humour
-letter. I will keep the
’haviour of
68
reputation.
Gives the letter back
FALSTAFF
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters
tightly
70
,
To Robin
Sail like my
pinnace
71
to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence,
avaunt
72
! Vanish like hailstones: go,
Trudge, plod away
o’th’hoof
, seek shelter,
pack
73
!
Falstaff will learn the
humour
74
of the age,
French thrift
, you rogues, myself and
skirted
75
page.
[
Exeunt Falstaff and Robin
]
PISTOL
Let vultures
gripe
thy guts! For
gourd and fullam
holds
76
,
And
high and low
beguiles
77
the rich and poor:
Tester
I’ll have in
pouch
78
when thou shalt lack,
NIM
I have
operations
which be
humours of
80
revenge.
PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?
NIM
By
welkin
82
and her star!
PISTOL
With
wit or steel
83
?
NIM
With both the
humours
, I. I will
discuss
the
humour
84
of this love to Ford.
PISTOL
And I to Page shall
eke
86
unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will
prove
88
, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
NIM
My humour shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with
yellowness
91
, for the
revolt
92
of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour.
PISTOL
Thou art the
Mars
of malcontents
93
. I second thee,
troop on.
