The No Cry Discipline Solution (2 page)

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DOI: 10.1036/0071471596

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This book is dedicated with love to my sisters,

Renée and Michelle

With fond memories from long ago

And joyful times still today

A lifetime of friendship

All those days we spent talking, sharing, hugging

And laughing, laughing, always laughing

Watching them

As women, strong and capable

And as mothers, so warm, so loving, so nurturing

With the comfort of
knowing

That no matter what

That we will always be the very best of friends

I love you, my sisters.

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Contents

Foreword xv

Acknowledgments xvii

PART 1 The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline: Essential

Parenting Attitudes

Discipline: A Complex Job Made Easier with the

Right

Outlook 3

Banish the Myths 7

Planning Ahead, Looking Ahead: Your Child as a

Teenager 17

Building a Strong Foundation 24

Discipline and Emotional Control 38

The Four Parts to Discipline 42

Everyday

Challenges 49

First, Solve the Real Problem 53

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose

Your

Adventure 69

Reminder Page: No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills

and

Tools 106

Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining: The Big

Three 107

Reminder Page: Stop the Tantrums, Fussing, and

Whining 125

xi

xii

Contents

PART 3 A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and

Avoiding Anger

Searching for Peace 129

Anger: The Shame and the Secret 130

Why Do Parents Get Angry at

Their

Children? 133

Different Levels of Anger 151

Your Anger: Do You Accidentally

Make Things Worse? 154

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger 162

Reducing

Anger-Producing

Situations 185

Do You Need More Help? 186

Reminder Page: Six Steps to Staying Calm 188

4 Specifi c Solutions for Everyday Problems

Applying No-Cry Parenting Skills to

Everyday Problems 191

Baby

Talk 194

Backtalk 196

Bath, Not Behaving In 199

Bath, Not Wanting One 201

Bath, Won’t Get Out 203

Biting, Child to Adult 205

Biting Other Children 207

Bossiness 211

Car

Problems 215

Dawdling 218

Contents

xiii

Day Care or Preschool, Dropping Off and

Picking

Up 220

Doesn’t Come When Called 222

Hitting a Parent 224

Hitting, Kicking, and Hair Pulling 227

Interrupting 231

Lying 234

Manners 237

Mealtime Behavior 240

Messiness 242

Other People’s Undisciplined Children 244

Playtime

Behavior 246

Restaurant

Behavior 249

Roughhousing or Wild Play 252

Sharing 254

Shopping

Misbehavior 258

Sibling

Fights 262

Sleep

Issues—Bedtime 265

Sleep

Issues—Naps 268

Swearing, Bad Language, and

Bathroom Jokes 271

Teasing and Name Calling 274

Toothbrushing 277

Traveling 280

Yelling, Screaming, and Shouting 283

Index 287

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Foreword

Discipline can be an overwhelming and complicated subject

for parents. The idea that we are responsible for helping our

children successfully make the journey from infancy to adulthood

can be a frightening concept. But the word
discipline
simply means to teach, and, as parents, we teach our children every day through

our words, actions, and example.

In
The No-Cry Discipline Solution
, Elizabeth Pantley shows how

we can effectively help our children master the practical skills nec-

essary for learning. She demonstrates that a parent’s actions are

only part of the discipline equation; the second half is the child’s

act of learning. She provides many concrete methods for helping

young children learn and grow into self-disciplined individuals.

She also provides parents with reassurance and achievable meth-

ods for managing discipline in everyday life with children.

Pantley says that “Parental discipline is about helping our chil-

dren create a foundation of strong values, morals, and guidelines

that they can use for a lifetime of self-discipline.” It is the job

of parents, teachers, and other infl uential adults to provide chil-

dren with the tools and guidance they need to develop this self-

discipline. A job of this magnitude is best not left to chance or

inexperience. Any adult who is responsible in any part for raising a

child would be wise to read, study, and learn how best to approach

this exceptionally important undertaking.

True to the heart of all of Pantley’s No-Cry books, this volume

shows parents how to help children be receptive to the lessons

they teach by avoiding the tears, frustration, and anger that serve

as barriers to learning. It explains the underlying emotions and

motivations that drive a child’s behavior and shows how to use this

knowledge to guide a child to make the right choices.

xv

Copyright © 2007 by Better Beginnings, Inc. Click here for terms of use.

xvi

Foreword

As a parent educator and mother of four children, Pantley has

the wisdom and experience to blend professional knowledge with

realistic, practical advice. Her methods are clearly explained, and

they are demonstrated with many understandable examples. The

helpful tips and stories from her vast group of test parents add even

more practicality to the tools provided.

The No-Cry Discipline Solution
is a defi nite must-have for all

parents and caregivers of young children. If you are looking for

understandable, effective, and nurturing tools to raise good human

beings, let this book be your guide.

—Tim Seldin

About Tim Seldin

Tim Seldin is president of the Montessori Foundation and chair of

the International Montessori Council. He is the author of several

books on Montessori Education. His newest book is
How to Raise

an Amazing Child the Montessori Way
. Seldin is the father of fi ve and the grandfather of one. He lives in Florida with his wife, Joyce

St. Giermaine.

Acknowledgments

Iwould like to express my heartfelt appreciation to the many peo-

ple who lift me up every day with their compassionate support:

Judith McCarthy, my editor, and every person who helps to

create my books at McGraw-Hill Publishing: absolutely the best

publisher ever.

Meredith Bernstein of The Meredith Bernstein Literary Agency:

counselor, friend, and agent extraordinaire.

Patti Hughes: my incredible, enthusiastic, and loveable

assistant.

My husband, Robert: my partner, friend, and soul mate.

My family, my joy: Mom, Angela, Vanessa, David, Coleton,

Michelle, Loren, Sarah, Nicholas, Renée, Tom, Matthew, Devin,

Tyler, and Amber.

All the readers who have written to me about their precious

children; I feel a special friendship with every one.

My many test mommies, test daddies, and test children for shar-

ing a piece of their lives with me.

The Test Parents

During the creation of this book, I worked with an incredible

group of test parents. The test mommies and daddies, as I affec-

tionately call them, became my friends during this long and com-

plicated process, and I believe I learned as much from them as

they learned from me. These 242 people were kind enough, and

motivated enough, to complete extensive surveys, answer ques-

tions, and participate in polls. They read through the manuscript,

applied what they learned, and then reported back to me on a

regular basis. They asked questions, and they provided helpful

xvii

Copyright © 2007 by Better Beginnings, Inc. Click here for terms of use.

xviii

Acknowledgments

ideas. They let me peek into their families’ discipline problems

and happy successes.

The test parents live all over the world, and they represent all

different kinds of families: married, single, unmarried partners,

from one child up to six children, twins, adopted children, young

parents, older parents, at-home moms, at-home dads, working par-

ents, interracial families, multicultural families, gay families, and

several grandparents-as-parents. They are a varied and interesting

group.

Locations

• 160 from the United States:
Alabama, Arizona, California,

Colorado, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia,

Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan,

Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New

York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South

Dakota, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington