The No Cry Discipline Solution (38 page)

normal child development. They outline typical and expected

behaviors and describe usual characteristics of certain age groups.

You can also learn what’s normal by talking with parents who have

children close in age to your own, by reading parenting magazines,

or by discussing your concerns with your pediatrician or family

health care provider.

By understanding normal development, you may even be able

to avoid the problem altogether—at times. As an example, if you

know that young children are prone to temper tantrums when they

are tired and hungry and your child has a meltdown thirty minutes

before dinner on the day that he misses his nap, you can iden-

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

tify the cause and understand the resulting behavior. This doesn’t

mean that you’ll accept or ignore the behavior, but you will fi nd it

easier to handle than if you interpret the act as your child’s person-

ality problem or a defi ciency in your parenting skills. Furthermore,

you may be able to sometimes prevent it from happening.

I Shouldn’t Have to Repeat Myself Over and

Over Again on the Same Issue

Human beings are not created to learn things instantly upon the

fi rst lesson. This is true for children and adults. Students must

study, college classes have reviews, baseball teams have practices,

and orchestras, dancers, and actors have rehearsals. As they say,

practice makes perfect. Children have an incredible amount of

things to learn in their lives, and they don’t easily transfer lessons

learned from one area to another. For example, they may learn not

to run into the street but not understand that they also shouldn’t

run into a parking lot. Your toddler might learn not to touch the

TV controls but still reach for the DVD controls or the computer

keyboard. There is an almost endless amount of new input in the

early years. It’s a lot to process and remember.

This concept is complicated by the fact that even when chil-

dren learn a rule, it doesn’t mean that they will always abide by

it! This applies to family rules, societal rules, and rules of nature.

Children will often test to see if the rules still hold true, or if

they can manage to bend them or even break them without any

repercussions. Children may believe they have a good reason to

break the rule. They might think the rule is unfair, or they might

think no one is watching so they can’t get caught, or they may not

understand the rule or how it applies to the situation. One other

reason is that the forbidden is too enticing to resist.

Your Anger: Do You Accidentally Make Things Worse?

157

Mother-Speak

“ I’m eight months’ pregnant, so my two-year-old can be a bit

of a challenge to keep up with. Yesterday, I was tired and we

were at bath-and-bedtime. She was obviously getting tired

herself and melting down a bit, so I asked her to pull out the

plug and come out of the tub. She pulled the plug, but abso-

lutely refused to get out. She actually lay down in the tub, as

the water drained around her. I can’t bend over and pick her

up from that angle, so I got totally frustrated. I said, ‘Fine. Don’t

get out. Stay in there. I can’t do this anymore.’ I sat down on

the chair near the tub, hung my head, and wouldn’t look at

her. She stood up and said, ‘Mommy, can I give you a kiss and

make you feel better?’ Wow, I sure did feel better in a hurry!

“Sometimes it’s so hard to step back and realize that this

is a little PERSON I’m dealing with. She has her own thoughts

and ideas and plans—she’s not out to make me miserable.

Sometimes it just takes a kiss to clear our heads again and

make it all better!”

—Sheri, mother to Faith, age 2½

Actually, adults still engage in this rule-testing behavior: Do

you always obey the posted speed limit? No? According to some

studies, almost 70 percent of drivers admit to speeding over the

posted limit. You might speed on a given day because

• You’re in a rush to make it to an appointment. (You have a

good reason.)

• You think the limit is too slow for the road. (The rule is

unfair.)

• You know there’s never a police car on the road. (You won’t

get caught.)

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

• You didn’t see the speed limit sign. (You didn’t know the

rule.)

• Your new car
needs
to go fast. (It was too tempting to resist.) You can increase the odds that your child will learn rules by

keeping them simple and specifi c, and then being very consistent

in enforcing them.

My Child Misbehaves Just to Spite Me

When your child is misbehaving, pushing your buttons, and totally

out of control, you may think,
Why is she doing this to me?
In reality, your child isn’t even thinking about you at all, except to the

extent that you are standing in the way of what she wants to do.

Children don’t misbehave just to make you mad—they don’t want

to hear you yell and they don’t want to be punished — they would

avoid that at all costs! Your child wants what she wants, when she

wants it—it’s as simple as that.

My Child Listens to Me Only When

I Get Angry

Many parents believe this to be true because it
has been true
for them. The reason for this is that some parents only get serious

about discipline when they become angry. In my book
Hidden

Messages: What Our Words and Actions Are Really Telling Our Chil-

dren
, I tell the story of a parent affected by this dilemma:

Ken is sitting at the kitchen table handling his least favorite task—fi lling out tax forms. He’s surrounded by checkbooks, calculator, paper-

work, and his cup fi lled with coffee. His children, Katie and Andy,

are happily playing a game close by in the family room. All is quiet

Your Anger: Do You Accidentally Make Things Worse?

159

on this Saturday morning—at least until two high-pitched giggling

fi ts abruptly break the silence.

Ken peers over his glasses at the source of the merriment. “Hey

guys, I’m
working
in here.” The room settles into quiet again, but not for long. Game pieces suddenly fi nd lives of their own, their rambunctious activities narrated by two young voices. Not even glanc-

ing their way, Ken grumbles, “You guys are being awfully noisy.” The

pieces continue their action in a whisper, and Ken again focuses on

his work.

Not fi ve minutes later, the game pieces engage in a mock-battle

that ends in a loud crescendo. Ken expresses his exasperation in two

words: “Katie! Andy!” He shakes his head and mumbles, “Why don’t

these kids ever listen to me?” He begins, once again, to wade through

the endless tax forms. Just as the instructions start to make sense, his

energetic young ones, now bored by their fantasy play, begin a new

game, complete with shouts and whooping around the room.

Ken’s patience reserve has been depleted—and to signal the event,

he slams his pencil on the table, scrapes back his chair, and marches

into the family room and up to the children. With a bright red face

and bulging eyes, he bellows, “Katherine Nicole! Andrew Shawn! I

have had
enough
! I cannot work with all the noise! Either BE QUIET

or GO OUTSIDE and play!”

The kids mutter, “Sorry, Daddy,” as they shuffl e out of the room

and head for the swing set in the backyard. Ken walks back to the

table, his hands nervously combing back his hair, his breath labored.

He’s wondering why his kids only listen to him when he gets angry.

When you examine this situation you’ll see what really happened.

This father lacks purpose or skill at the beginning of the story.

He makes his fi rst three statements from another room with no

specifi c instructions or call to action. He makes vague comments

without telling the children what he wants from them. (What

exactly is the right response to “Hey guys, I’m
working
in here”?

Maybe, “Good for you, Daddy. Someone has to pay taxes around

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

here.”) It isn’t until Ken gets angry that he actually uses good par-

enting skills! One—he walks into the room and faces his children

directly. Two—he states the problem. “I cannot work with all the

noise.” Three—he gives them a solution: a choice they all can live

with. “Either be quiet or go outside and play.”

In essence, Ken’s anger was not necessary, and it wasn’t anger