The No Cry Discipline Solution (37 page)

to run. We envision orderly belongings, smooth schedules, and

peaceful surroundings. (Should I add chocolate chip cookies bak-

ing in the oven?) The reality is that most of our homes have far

more noise, mess, and chaos than we would like. Often we live

Father-Speak

“ Bad day at work, sales calls, things breaking, noise, head-

ache . . . it all leads to stress that leads to ARGHHHHH!”

—Alan, father to Leanne, age 3, and Timothy, age 5 months

148

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

with it day after day after day while wishing it were different.

Then, one day when the TV is blaring and the baby is crying, you

trip over a stray toy, discover a broken dish, or are startled by a

loud and annoying screech. Suddenly all your unhappiness comes

pouring out at once.

It can help to know and accept that while there are children

in your house it will never make the cover of
Better Homes and

Gardens
. Decide on what’s most important, set a routine, and relax your standards to protect your sanity. When your children grow

up and leave the nest, then your house will look exactly the way

you’d like: clean, neat, and organized. And you’ll miss them so

much you’ll wonder why you ever made such a big deal about the

clutter.

Children Are Childish

Children are inexperienced, naïve, and narcissistic. They have

limited knowledge about social rules and expected behavior. Fur-

thermore, they are separate people from us and they have free will.

As hard as you may try, you cannot
make
a child eat, sleep, pick up his toys, say please, or go potty. You can ask. You can nag, plead,

threaten, and beg, but your child is a separate human being and

functions independently from you. Children are not wise, rational,

or mature. They want to do what they want to do, and they don’t

give much thought to the past or the future, let alone how their

actions affect other people or things.

Children don’t always understand things the way we assume

that they do. We might think that they have learned a lesson, or

we might assume that they clearly understand a request, but many

times they
don’t get it
. This can be very frustrating to parents who think that something is clear as a bell, yet their child is going off

in an entirely different direction.

Why Do Parents Get Angry at Their Children?

149

Jordan, age 3

We can’t force children to be less childish, and we can’t hurry

the process of their growing up. And if we think about it, we

wouldn’t want to, because the same limits that frustrate us bring us

the most joy—watching our child’s joyful, unrestrained approach

to the world is endearing. However, when this juvenile existence

means that our children don’t, won’t, or can’t do something we

want them to do, and we can’t fi nd a way to
make them
do it, then parental anger is the inevitable result.

150

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Wow! There Are Lots of Reasons for

Parental Anger!

Now that you’ve learned the many, many reasons that parents get

angry, you may begin to wonder how you ever get through a day

without being angry! It is a major feat to stay calm in light of the

many plates we must juggle and the many negative issues that are

thrown our way. So, yes, give yourself a pat on the back for every

issue that you handle with aplomb. And now, let’s begin building

your knowledge and your anger management skills up so that you’ll

know exactly what to do next time you fi nd yourself getting angry

with your child.

Different Levels of Anger

A
nger
is a term that defi nes a broad range of emotions from

mild irritation to rage. Not all of these emotions are bad or

dangerous. Less intense emotions can act as a motivation to seek

change and an impetus to fi nd problem-solving solutions. Lesser

degrees of angry emotions keep us focused and keep our children

“on their toes.” These emotions, such as displeasure or irritation,

can allow us to see that a problem exists, but they don’t thwart con-

trol over our actions. As emotions become more extreme, though,

they become harder to control and are more likely to result in uncontrolled reactions with no positive outcome.

Key Point

\A raised voice is not necessarily a bad thing—if it is controlled

and respectful.

One problem with anger is that if you don’t have control over

your emotions at the start you can unintentionally escalate from

mild anger to more extreme emotions, bypassing the point where

you can use your emotions in a positive way. In addition, the

angrier the parent gets, the more out of control the child gets—it’s

as if they are on two sides of a rolling snowball heading for a crash

at the bottom of the mountain. An escalating range of angry emo-

tions might look like this:

Level 1

Level 2

Level 3

Level 4

Level 5 Level 6

Displeasure Annoyance Irritation Exasperation Rage

Fury

151

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152

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Parental anger often starts out on the mild end of this emotion

scale but can build to an uncontrollable crescendo. The following

chart shows how this can happen.

How a Parent’s Angry Emotions Can Escalate Out of Control

Child’s

Parent’s

Parent’s

Action

Action

Emotion

Plays with toys

Notes that it is bedtime

Calm

and asks child to put

toys away: “Time to get

ready for bed.”

Hears but ignores

Notes child’s inaction

Displeased

parent, continues to

and repeats request:

play with toys

“Didn’t you hear me?

Put your toys away.”

Puts one toy away, but

Sees time is getting later Annoyed

brings out two more

but child is still playing;

and begins to play with pleads with child: “Get

them

busy! Time to clean up!”

Complains and begs for Demands obedience:

Irritated

more playtime

“Do it NOW!”

Whines and fusses

Raises voice and

Exasperated

threatens punishment:

(Upset)

“Just stop whining

and clean up or no

storytime!”

Falls to fl oor crying,

Yells at child and begins Rage-fi lled

ignoring toys scattered

to throw toys in toy

around him

box: “Why can’t you

just do what I say!! You

make me so mad!”

Different Levels of Anger

153

Child’s

Parent’s

Parent’s

Action

Action

Emotion

Grabs toys out of toy

Loses control, spanks

Furious

box, stomps feet, and

child, and drags him

cries

to his bedroom while

shouting at him: “I am

tired of this! Get to bed,

NOW!”

Cries to sleep in bed,

Feels frustrated, guilty,

Regretful

feeling unloved and

and ashamed

confused

You can see how emotions can escalate between parent and child.

Parents can avoid this escalation when they learn how to identify

anger at the milder levels and make precise choices about how to

respond to the angry feelings. Going one step further, parents can

also learn how to communicate to the child in ways that encour-

age cooperation. Before we move on to those skills, we’ll examine

why
and
how
angry emotions grow in their intensity.

Your Anger

Do You Accidentally

Make Things Worse?

Many parents unwittingly feed and grow their anger. As anger

begins to grow inside you, it prevents rational thoughts—it

shuts off the thinking part of your brain. The thoughts that begin

to run rampantly through your head are inaccurate and irrational

and based on mistaken beliefs. You view situations as fi nal and

defi nitive and see your child’s actions as intentionally bad rather

than seeing what’s happening as part of the natural process of

raising children.

Let’s examine some of the common mistaken beliefs and negative

thoughts that cause angry emotions to spiral out of control. Then

we’ll adjust the beliefs to refl ect a more accurate way of thinking.

My Children Should Never Misbehave,

So When They Do They Make Me Angry

You probably read that sentence and thought,
Well, of course that’s

not true!
Your rational, calm state of mind allows you to under-

stand that. However, when you are in the midst of an episode of

misbehavior you may shake your head in baffl ement at your child’s

actions and wonder what is wrong with him, or what’s wrong with

you. In reality, there is nothing wrong with him, or with you, either.

Children misbehave. Parents have the job of teaching their child

how to behave appropriately. If children were born knowing how to

behave in all situations, they wouldn’t need parents, would they?

154

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Your Anger: Do You Accidentally Make Things Worse?

155

Here is the unexpected and hidden concept behind the second

half of this mistaken belief—that when our children misbehave

they
make us angry
. It is
not
our child’s misbehavior that makes us angry because a child’s actions cannot
make
you feel or do
anything
.

You are in control of your feelings and your actions. Therefore, you

actually allow the anger to formulate. You create your own anger

by the way you interpret your child’s behavior. You are not alone

here, as this is the foundation for much parental anger. Here’s an

important fi rst step to anger control: You must accept responsibil-

ity for your own anger.

Key Point

\My child’s misbehavior does not cause my anger. I create

anger by my interpretation of the behavior and with my

response to that interpretation.

You may fi nd that learning more about child development and

what behaviors are normal at your child’s age will help you to avoid labeling actions as misbehavior when they are actually age-appropriate behavior. There are plenty of books available about