The No Cry Discipline Solution (39 page)

that solved the problem. It was the three specifi c parenting skills

he unknowingly used. However, if Ken continues this pattern, his

children will learn that he only means business when he gets angry,

so he may unwittingly fall into a pattern of angry parenting.

My Angry Outbursts Create Permanent

Damage in Our Relationship

Nearly all parents love their children with an intensity that

matches nothing else on earth. Their children are a part of their

heart and soul, and the center of their lives. So when parents erupt

in anger at their children, they feel they have created a permanent

hole in the relationship, as test mom Bridget expresses in the story

that follows.

Of course, a parent’s rage, physical aggression, or hurtful words

can create holes. Repeated hostility as well as violent words and

actions can leave a lasting mark on a child’s personality. It’s very

important to learn how to control your anger to prevent it from

reaching this danger zone. However, we should not worry quite so

much that every angry moment leaves its mark. Most of our out-

bursts are simply moments of unpleasantness that can be overcome

with constructive parenting skills. Love and positive interaction

can make up for bad moments in an otherwise good relationship—

kind of like a quality putty and some paint can touch up that

fence. Children are a great deal more resilient than fences—the

little holes usually fi ll right up with the next hug and giggle.

Your Anger: Do You Accidentally Make Things Worse?

161

Mother-Speak

“ Whenever I think about anger, it reminds me of a story I

heard. It’s the one about the boy who would have these

angry outbursts, and every time he did, his father would

have him hammer a nail into their fence. During a calmer

moment, he had his son take out all the nails he had ham-

mered into the fence. There were big holes where the nails

had been, marring the fence. His father said that every time

he had one of those angry outbursts, it had a permanent

effect on the people around him, just like those unsightly

holes in the fence. This story always fi lls me with tremendous

guilt because I do realize that my children absorb my angry

outbursts and I feel like I am leaving those holes behind.”

—Bridget, mother to Ethan, age 7; Devan, age 3;

and Sage, age 19 months

Having a Plan to Manage

Your Anger

Now you understand that as a parent you
are
going to get angry

at your child
and
you can’t change that fact. However, you

can change what you do with that anger when it fi rst appears, and

you can learn how to stop it from growing out of control.

It is nearly impossible to rein in your emotions at the time they

occur
unless you have a plan in advance
. Having an anger plan is

like leaving for a road trip with a map and driving directions to

follow versus having no plan and driving off with a general desti-

nation in mind, but no specifi cs on how to get there. Once you are

on the road you are moving forward, but without a specifi c plan

you may never reach your destination. The same analogy applies

to anger. When it catches you off guard, it likely takes off with a

life of its own. If you have a plan, however, you can direct your

emotions in the way that suits your goals as a parent.

The Danger of Anger

There are a few things that should occur in order for you to be

able to make the best use of the six-step plan to staying calm,

which will be described later. First, you must believe that no good

comes from anger. Anger, in and of itself, is not a solution to any

problem. It often makes things worse by causing your child to focus

on your harsh words and actions. Children have natural defensive

responses to a parent’s anger: they feel misunderstood, attacked, or

unfairly accused. Whether these are true or accurate beliefs does

not matter—they still prevent a child from learning the lesson you

162

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Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

163

Stanley, age 4½

are trying to impart, and in the worse cases, when repeatedly used,

drive a wedge between parent and child.

The other important idea to accept is that almost any problem

can be held off for a time, until you gain control of yourself. It’s a

rare parenting issue that requires an instant response or solution.

Even a young child has enough memory power to remember what

he or she did an hour or more after it happened. (If you don’t

believe me, test the idea. While you’re preparing dinner, promise

your child that you’ll go out for ice cream after you eat—and see

if your promise is remembered!)

In most cases, when you can halt anger, collect yourself, and

then approach the issue with a level head, you will have much bet-

ter results than if you fl y off the handle and explode in anger. Chil-

dren usually don’t learn the intended lesson from an angry parent.

164

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

However, they can learn valuable lessons when a controlled parent

makes a specifi c discipline decision.

Another reason why it is important to manage your anger effec-

tively is because repeated, uncontrolled anger can cause a parent

to resort to physical punishment. Such punishments as spanking,

slapping, or pinching a child have all been proven to be ineffective

and potentially harmful methods of discipline. Repeated anger can

also lead to major family problems, such as child abuse, divorce, or

mental health problems for parents and children, including depres-

sion or anxiety.

Once you view anger as a potentially dangerous emotion that is

wise to avoid, you need to be able to recognize when anger is hap-

pening to you. As we discussed previously, there are many stages

of anger, from mild to extreme. The sooner you acknowledge that

your emotions are creeping up the anger scale the better, since it’s

much, much easier to gain control at the start.

You can start to learn how to control your anger by tuning into

your body and feeling the anger rising within you. While everyone

feels emotions differently, there are a number of typical physical

signs that accompany anger. Next time you begin to feel angry, try

to note which of these early warning signs of anger you feel:

• Clenched teeth

• Tight jaw

• Tense body

• Shallow, rapid breathing

• Tight stomach, stomach pains, or nausea

• Increased heart rate

• Heated face, neck, or ears