The No Cry Discipline Solution (42 page)

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

173

Step 2: Space

Now that you’ve stopped, you need to step away from your child.

When you are angry, the
last
thing you need to do is stay engaged in the situation that is making you mad—all that does is escalate

your anger. Suppose your child is whining and fussing and it has

driven you to anger. You call out “STOP” but then you stay in the

room while she continues to whine and fuss. You will likely just get

worked right back up to anger again. This is the time to put some

space between you and your child.

Mother-Speak

“ It’s a good idea to speak to your children before an angry

outburst occurs and let them know what to expect so they

aren’t shocked by your departure. ‘When Mommy gets

angry, Mommy may need to go to her room to cool down.

What could you do while you’re waiting for Mommy to cool

down? Mommy really wants to be calm and not yell.’ ”

—Kim, mother to Lily, age 8, and Benny, age 3

Creating this space might involve putting a baby into the crib,

placing a toddler in a safe place for a time-out (or even putting her

in front of the TV), or turning your back on a whining child. If

your child doesn’t willingly separate from you, it’s not the time to

get into a shouting match over making her go—just put yourself

in the bedroom or bathroom for your own time-out. If you cannot

leave the room, then cross your arms, shut your eyes, and stand

still. Put on your music headset and create your own private space

right there in the middle of the room.

Putting space between you and your child accomplishes a num-

ber of things. First, it communicates your dissatisfaction to your

174

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

child—it lets her know that you are too upset to continue. It pre-

vents the episode from getting out of control. It allows you to calm

yourself down so that you will have the presence of mind to solve

the problem that is upsetting you. One other advantage to using

this technique—it teaches your child an important anger manage-

ment skill. You are setting a good example of how to walk away

instead of proceeding with angry or hurtful words and actions.

If you need to stop a dangerous situation, or if you need to sepa-

rate children who are fi ghting, do so before walking away, but do it

without discussion—hold your thoughts for later.

Remember that almost every parenting problem can wait. It

doesn’t require an immediate resolution. Don’t worry—it will still

be there when you are ready to face it.
(Darn.)

It is critically important that at this point you do
not
try to deal with the situation that is making you angry. You cannot solve a

problem in a fi t of anger; it will likely just escalate the situation or create a new layer of problems to deal with. You are going to step

away from your child so that you can calm and collect yourself

and, very likely, allow your child to calm down a bit, too.

Alternate Step 2: Squeeze

If you STOP and fi nd that your control is now in place, you don’t

have to go on to creating space. Instead, change that to
squeeze
—

embrace your child in a big bear hug. Do not talk. Just hug. And

allow your anger to evaporate in the embrace.

Take a deep breath and repeat a calming mantra. “She’s just a

child.” “I can handle this.” “This too shall pass.” Take a minute

to look at your child and try to fi nd the love that is hidden there.

Remind yourself that she won’t be little for long, and someday—

trust me—you will miss this period of time.

The hug does
not
mean that you have accepted the misbehav-

ior—you’ll still have to deal with that. However, it does tell your

child that you love her and will work through any problems. Think

about it from the reverse perspective. Let’s say that you are in

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

175

charge of paying the credit card bill. One month you put the enve-

lope in a drawer and forget to pay it. Your spouse is at a business

lunch and attempts to pay the bill, but the card is denied. Having

no cash, your spouse must ask the other person to pay the bill.

Once home, your spouse confronts you with the problem and is

very angry, of course. You feel sick about it. In the middle of it all,

your spouse gives you a big hug. You know you’re not off the hook,

but you do know that you are loved in spite of your mistake.

At any point in the six-step sequence you can switch to a

squeeze if you fi nd yourself in control and longing to just hug your

child. Remember that doing so doesn’t mean you condone the bad

behavior—it just means you love your child.

Mother-Speak

“ I used the squeeze method the other day. My little girl, Der-

ryn, had her tonsils taken out and was miserable. I guess my

son, Wade, was feeling jealous of all the attention she was

getting, so he was being very diffi cult. Instead of the usual

moan, I picked him up and put him on my lap and gave him

a big hug. I refl ected to him how he must be feeling with his

sister not well and being a bit grumpy, and the fact that all

the adults were very concerned about her. I also mentioned

that he might be feeling a bit left out and also sad that his

sister couldn’t play with him. Well, he looked at me and nod-

ded. I gave him another hug and off he went to play. It was

quite amazing and also so gratifying to have ‘connected’

with him on a level he understood rather than create dis-

tance between us by just groaning at him. This really worked

for us, and I will try to use it more often.”

—Heidi, mother to Wade, age 4, and Derryn, age 2

176

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Step 3: Soothe

Once you have stopped your angry fl ow and separated yourself

from your child, take some time to calm and collect yourself.

Begin by controlling your internal, physical responses to anger.

Likely your heart rate is increased, your breathing is rapid, your

face is fl ushed, or your voice is raised. You may also be experienc-

ing any number of other indicators discussed previously. No matter

what your physical symptoms are, the fi rst step to inner control is

to breathe deeply.

Breathing deeply allows your body to fi ll with oxygen. This will

stop the adrenaline rush that fl oods your body when you are angry.

This extra oxygen fl ow will relax your body, calm your breath-

ing, slow your heart rate, and allow your brain to resume rational

thought.

As you breathe deeply, you may want to close your eyes (or look