The No Cry Discipline Solution (40 page)

• Tightened muscles

• A feeling of pounding or fullness in the head, similar to a

headache

• Sweating

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

165

• Shaking

• Squinting

• A change in tone or volume of voice

• The need to curse or say harsh words

• The urge to scream or cry

• The urge to hit, slam things, bang things, or run away

• An inability to hear or understand others

Learning to recognize your own early warning signs of anger allows

you to rein in your temper. When we begin to metamorphose

into our angry self, much of our behavior becomes automatic and

harder to control.

What Triggers Your Anger?

It is helpful to identify those things that provoke your anger so you

are aware of the possibility of anger before it even begins. You can

also examine the issue in advance—at a time when you are calm

and in control—to see what changes you can make to stop the

incidents from occurring. This allows you to use preventive action

that will change your child’s behavior, which in turn reduces the

amount of anger that you might feel.

As an example, let’s say that your children argue when seated

beside each other in the car. The arguing, while you are trying to

drive, is distracting and frustrating. You usually end up yelling at

the pair of them. Since you are in the vehicle two or more times

every day, this is a major anger issue in your life. So instead of

going about things in exactly the same way and getting exactly

the same results, take time to plan how to solve the problem. You

might post “car rules” with exact consequences for breaking them.

You might put books, lap games, and snacks in the car to keep the

children busy and happy. You might create a chart to log successes

166

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

in the car so that your children can earn a reward for staying pleas-

ant in the car. By approaching this anger trigger in a productive

way, you can reduce the amount of arguments that occur in the

car, thus reducing the amount of anger in your day. This technique

can be used for any issue that repeatedly triggers your anger.

Most parents get angry about issues that are insignifi cant in the

grand scheme of life, yet happen on such a regular basis that the

issues become blown way out of proportion. So take the time to

identify your anger triggers. Then, perhaps using the skills in this

book, set a plan to correct each behavior problem that sets off your

anger. There are common parenting issues that trigger anger.

• Backtalk

• Constant interruptions when you’re busy

• Ignoring a parent’s calls or requests

• Lack of cooperation

• Procrastination and dawdling

• Refusing to do as told

• Repeated misbehavior that doesn’t cease

• Sibling bickering and fi ghting

• Temper tantrums

• Unacceptable behavior in public (such as public tantrums/

not cooperating)

• Unnecessary crying

• Whining

In addition to triggers like these, there are “hot spots” or danger

zones in the day when anger more easily rises to the surface. These

are typically times when family members are tired, hungry, or

stressed, and those emotions leave us more vulnerable to anger.

• Mornings, when rushing to get to work and/or school

• Mid-day, when children and parents have a dip in energy,

older kids come home from school, and no one has had a

nap

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

167

• When your home is fi lled with playmates or visitors

• Immediately after work when the day’s stresses are still

brewing

• Before dinner, when everyone is hungry and dealing with

end-of-the-day tension

• Late evening, just before bedtime, when everyone is tired

Key Point

\Doing things the way you’ve always done them and expect-

ing different results only leaves you frustrated and angry.

Instead, identify your anger triggers and daily hot spots and

take action to change things for the better.

It can help to look over the previous lists and determine what

your triggers and hot spots are. Once you identify them, think

about what you can do differently to ward off some of those things

that spark your anger. For example, if the morning rush brings

too much stress, you can prepare the night before by setting out

clothing, packing lunches, and collecting shoes and coats. Cre-

ate a “morning routine poster” that outlines the morning routine

step-by-step. If you fi nd that tempers are short in the hour before

dinner, then set out healthy appetizers, such as vegetables with dip

or cheese and fruit, and note if this helps. If your children bicker

about sharing toys, set up specifi c rules for sharing, label special

toys that aren’t available for sharing, teach the new rules to your

children, and enforce them quickly when they aren’t obeyed.

It helps to keep in mind all of the reasons for parental anger

and the mistaken beliefs that we covered earlier. When you train

yourself to look for the underlying problems, you will become more

aware of them. When you become aware of these underlying rea-

168

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

sons for your anger, you will be more likely to control your emo-

tions before they explode.

Anger is not something that can be dealt with once and then

it will go away! As your children grow and change and as new

issues appear, you’ll fi nd yourself needing a reminder of all that

you have learned. So, reread these pages from time to time for a

quick refresher course. That way you can take a fresh look at the

issues that create negative emotions in your family and refresh

your memory about how to manage anger.

Mother-Speak

“ I often fi nd that I am talking to a brick wall with my two-year-

old daughter. She wants what she wants, and she doesn’t

like to do what she’s being asked to do. Her responses to

things I want from her are either silence, ignoring me, or con-

tinuing to whine and cry, and it infuriates me until I yell at

her. However, I have come to realize that when I get mad at

her she thinks that somehow my love for her has lessened.

Nowadays, when we have an episode of defi ance and an

exchange afterward, I don’t let it linger. I pick her up and hug

her. She lays her head on my shoulder, and I remind myself

that she is a cherished child.

“Only a few years ago, I had no child to hold and thought

I’d never have one. How quickly I forgot how much pain I was

in from not having a child! And here I am, getting upset at

her little antics; the behavior that would be so welcomed in

the life of a childless woman. I realize that I am truly blessed.

She is a joy to hold and to love. I have to make a conscious

effort to remember that after all she is only a little child.”

—Shaila, mother to Aanayh, age 2½

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

169

And, fi nally, hold on to the feeling of love that is the founda-

tion of your relationship with your child. Take time every day to

bask in the joy of being a parent. Take time to play. Take time to

talk and listen. Hug, kiss, and cuddle your children often. When

you build up this foundation of positive love and emotion, you will

fi nd yourself less likely to experience intense anger.

Now it’s time to move on to the specifi c six-step process that you

can use to control your anger.

Your Anger Control Plan: Six Steps to

Staying Calm

The following six-step process can be used to curb your anger

whenever you feel your child pushing your buttons. Actually, it

can be used in any life situation when you fi nd your angry emo-

tions getting the better of you. It is a process that takes time and

effort to master, yet it is defi nitely well worth the effort. You may

wish to post the summary found on page 188 in a convenient place

for handy reference. Once you have practiced and are experienced

with the steps you’ll no longer need the printed reminder. It may

become the
new
natural way you handle your angry emotions.

Step 1: Stop

Step 1 toward gaining control is to stop yourself as soon as you

realize you are getting angry. The purpose is to catch yourself at

the very start of your anger and stop your emotions from escalating

out of control.