The No Cry Discipline Solution (35 page)

140

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

acting out perhaps in the simplest way, but at the wrong time, and

we release all our anger at our unsuspecting child. It’s the “kick

the cat” syndrome.

At other times, our child may indeed have misbehaved. The

misbehavior triggers our
anger
release button—our child’s behavior is added to the growing pileup of other angers, which exaggerate

and distort our response. So, rather than having an appropriate

reaction to the situation at hand, we explode with all our pent-up

anger from so many other issues.

Mother-Speak

“ When I have my bad days I have to keep reminding myself

not to take out my problems on my daughter. I keep telling

myself it’s really my mood that’s the problem, more than my

child’s behavior. So I say in my head over and over again,

‘Do not take out your bad mood on Arianna.’ It really helps

on those bad days.”

—Kristi, mother to Arianna, age 30 months

Anger Is Masking Other Emotions

Human beings are complex creatures. The emotions we show are

not always what they seem to be. There are times when what we

truly feel is hidden but what escapes to the world is anger. There

are times when anger masks other emotions such as worry, fear,

embarrassment, frustration, or helplessness, such as when your

child disappears at the grocery story (worry), runs into the street

(fear), has a tantrum in public (embarrassment), continues his mis-

behavior no matter what we do (frustration), or is disrespectful

Why Do Parents Get Angry at Their Children?

141

and mean to others (helplessness). The anger that erupts in these

cases prevents us from acknowledging the painful emotions that

are at the root of the situation and can even be a disguised cry of

distress.

Mother-Speak

“ I think that anger is sometimes associated with our own

fears of adequacy. I feel frustration and anger when my child

misbehaves in public or around friends or family members.

Sometimes it is so hard to handle a situation when you feel

the stares of those around you. You fear what they are going

to think of your parenting. Even though it shouldn’t matter,

many times it does.”

—Anne-Marie, mother of Lindsey, age 4

It’s a Normal Emotional Response

to Problems

Human beings have a wide range of emotions, and anger is one of

them. To be human is to experience a fl ow of emotions in response

to internal stimulus and external events. All people get angry. It

is a natural, biological response to pain (physical or emotional),

threats, and frustration. Anger inspires powerful, focused, single-

minded behaviors that are necessary for people to defend them-

selves when they are in dangerous situations. At those times, anger

is a necessary human survival mechanism. The problem, of course,

is that anger is not perfectly selective; we get angry in situations

that don’t truly call for anger.

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Miles, age 4

Your natural personality traits will also dictate how mad you

get and how easily you are set off. Some people are more easily

angered than others, and everyone handles their emotions dif-

ferently. Some people shout, some strike out, some become irri-

table. Some turn their anger inward as they simmer and sulk, even

becoming ill with headaches, stomachaches, or worse.

Keep in mind also that our moods affect our responses to our

children. On a good day, when we our mood is cheerful, a spilled

cereal bowl is just a spill. On a diffi cult day, in a bad mood, it’s an

intentionally created disaster. We aren’t perfect beings, and we

should never expect perfection of ourselves, just as we shouldn’t

expect our children to be perfect angels every day.

We can learn to identify, manage, and control our angry feel-

ings so that our reactions don’t escalate out of control and make

Why Do Parents Get Angry at Their Children?

143

Key Point

\Anger itself cannot be eliminated, nor need it be. Anger is not

the real problem. The problem is in how we respond when

we are angry.

situations worse than they already are. We can learn to use anger

as a cue that something is wrong and needs to be changed. We

can, in fact, turn angry emotions into a launching pad for practical

problem solving.

Trying to NOT Get Angry

When your child throws an Olympic-sized tantrum at the shop-

ping mall, paints on the sofa, spills juice on your computer, or hits

his baby sister, the natural, automatic, and inevitable response is

anger. Some people advise against hording anger and tell you to

let it loose. But psychologists tell us that this is a dangerous belief

as it can escalate anger and possibly lead to aggression. It also can

prevent fi nding a solution to the real problem.

Instead of trying
not
to get angry—which is nearly impossi-

ble—or holding your anger in (which can backfi re in other ways),

it would be better to focus on
identifying
your emotions
and properly
responding
to the situation at hand. In other words, the more you try not to be angry in anger-producing situations, the more likely

your emotions will explode out of control.

The goal is to develop and practice strategies that allow you to

deal with your angry feelings in ways that protect other people

and things, while leading you to the proper resolution for the

problem.