The No Cry Discipline Solution (30 page)

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what to do next. If you and your child practice the Quiet Bunny,

then your signal might be using your hands to make bunny ears,

wiggling your nose, or making a little hopping motion.

Mother-Speak

“ If Eliot whines, I look directly at him, say nothing, and just

raise my eyebrows. The more he whines, the higher my eye-

brows go! As soon as he gets the message and asks nicely,

he gets what he wants—or at least he gets a polite discus-

sion. This is making progress toward Eliot understanding

what whining is and when he is doing it.”

—Julie, mother to Eliot, age 3, and Oliver, age 19 months

• Don’t model whining.
Make sure you aren’t giving whining

lessons. Busy parents often whine about messy rooms, sibling bick-

ering, dawdling children, and, of all things, whining. Check the

tone and volume of your own voice and eliminate any whining you

might be doing. Children take cues about proper behavior from

their parents, and we sometimes send the wrong messages. Being

aware of our own actions can help guide us to model the behavior

we hope to see in our children.

• Stop public tantrums.
The same skills we have already cov-

ered apply to public tantrums. The biggest issue is for the parent

to stay calm and react appropriately, without concern for the audi-

ence. Parents’ embarrassment over their children’s public behavior

usually gets in the way of a proper response, which in turn creates

a pattern for future expeditions. When you can ignore prying eyes

and focus on your child instead, most often the episode will end

much, much sooner.

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121

Langston, age 2½

Keep in mind that most public tantrums are caused by underly-

ing emotions such as tiredness, hunger, or frustration. So pinpoint-

ing the origin can help you calm your child more quickly.

If public tantrums are a frustrating and regular occurrence, you

might want to plan a training session. Say, for example, that every

shopping trip involves your child fussing, whining, or having a

tantrum. Take your child to the grocery store. Buy a few staples,

and put a nice assortment of your child’s favorite goodies in the

cart (potato chips, ice cream, and cookies). Walk around long

enough for the expected misbehavior to occur. Walk the cart over

to the register and announce to the cashier that you’ll have to

leave the groceries and go home because your child is misbehav-

ing. (Smile at the cashier and she’ll probably smile back, since she

has seen plenty of children having tantrums in the store. She may

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even have one of her own, so she knows how normal it is!) Then

go home. Your child will most likely comment on the loss of the

goodies. Just say, “Oh well, some other time.” Expect great short-

term unhappiness but long-term value!

Mother-Speak

“ When my two-year-old daughter has a public tantrum I try to

envision that I’m wearing a sign that says, ‘I am an educated,

peaceful person; an upstanding citizen; and a loving and

devoted mother and wife. There is nothing wrong with ME

right now—it’s just that my toddler is overheated, hungry,

and cranky from missing her nap.’ ”

—Jacqueline, mother of Elena, age 2

• Don’t hold a grudge—when it’s over, it’s over.
After an

episode of misbehavior is fi nished let it go and move on. Don’t

feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love,

or company. Children usually bounce right back, and it is okay for

you to bounce right back, too.

• Praise success.
Praise your child’s attempts at using a regular voice. “Ariel, I really enjoy hearing your pleasant voice!” Try to say

yes to a request made in a regular, polite voice. For example, if your

child normally fusses and whines about not having a treat before

lunch and today she asks pleasantly, try to give her at least a piece

of a cookie to reward her for her appropriate manners. Make sure

you tell her why it is okay this time. “Yes, you may have a cookie.

I’m saying yes because you asked in such a nice voice and you

didn’t fuss about it. Lucky you!”

• Avoid letting your child get tired, hungry, bored, or frus-

trated.
There are times when you can prevent a child from losing

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control of his emotions if you modify the situation that leads up

to this. In addition to the chart on pages 108–11, here are some

things to keep in mind:

• Keep the same nap time and bedtime seven days a week.

A consistent sleep schedule is critical for keeping your

child even-tempered throughout the day.

• Feed your child frequently. Children have tiny tummies

and need regular nourishment to keep blood sugar levels

stable. Five small meals, or three meals plus two healthy

snacks, keep a child’s moods consistent, much more so

than three big meals with long periods between them.

• Give your child toys and games that are geared to his age

and ability level.

• Warn your child before changing activities to allow

him time to adjust. (“One more swing, then we’re going

home.”)

• Be patient when putting your child in an unfamiliar envi-

ronment or when introducing him to new people. Don’t

push him to do what’s uncomfortable for him.

• Be prepared. If you expect to run errands all day, or spend

time talking with other adults, or stand in long lines,

bring along snacks, books, and toys to keep your child

occupied.

• Be thoughtful about scheduling. Asking a two-year-old to