Read The No Cry Discipline Solution Online
Authors: Elizabeth Pantley
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Tantrum
—an uncontrolled display of negative emotion or bad
temper
Fussing
—excessive and unwarranted crying, complaining, and
protesting
Whining
—carrying on in a mournful, high-pitched (extremely
annoying) voice
If you asked people to list the most frustrating, ongoing discipline
problems during the early childhood years, you would probably
fi nd that these three items appear on almost every parent’s and
caregiver’s list. Some children start these behaviors at two years
old (those notorious terrible twos), and some wait until they are
closer to age four. Some children are champion whiners but rarely
fuss or tantrum, and some are grand tantrumers, rarely whining or
fussing. Some children put most of their energy into fussing and
just dabble in whining and tantrums. Yet every child masters his or
her own adaptation of these three behaviors, which means every
parent has to deal with them—no one is exempt!
Controlling Their Emotions
Most often, whining, fussing, and tantrums are caused by a child’s
inability to express or control his emotions, and this is further
complicated by the infl uence of other people’s demands and exter-
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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools
nal conditions. Tiredness, hunger, frustration, and many of the
other causes that ignite “the big three” can frequently be avoided,
modifi ed, or eliminated. When you can pinpoint the root reason
for your child’s unpleasant behavior and address that issue directly,
you can calm your child and stop the whining or tantrum in its
tracks. If you become very observant and learn how to identify
your child’s emotional triggers
before
they can be set off, you may be able to prevent many negative situations from even happening.
When your child begins a meltdown, stop, look, and think to
determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the prob-
lem. Most children have meltdowns because of the same repeated
reasons. Once you understand what these reasons are, you will be
able to make changes to reduce the tantrums, fussing, and whin-
ing that occur. The following chart includes a list of many likely
reasons and some possible solutions.
Reason for Tantrums,
Fussing, or Whining
Possible Solutions
Overtiredness
• Provide a quiet, relaxing activity
(reading, puzzle, movie).
• Put child down for a rest or a nap or put
to bed.
• Revise the daily nap time/bedtime
schedule.
• Solve night-waking or other sleep
disturbances.
Hunger or Thirst
• Give child a nutritious, nonsugary snack.
• Provide something to drink (milk, low-
sugar juice, or water).
• Revise daily meal and snack schedule.
Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining: The Big Three
109
Reason for Tantrums,
Fussing, or Whining
Possible Solutions
Frustration
• Help child achieve his or her goal (e.g.,
assist with the puzzle, pour the milk).
• Provide supervised practice so your
child can master whatever skill is leading
to the frustration.
• Remove the source of the frustration.
• Use distraction (get child involved in
something else).
Fear/Anxiety/
• Hug, hold, or cuddle your child.
Embarrassment
• Remove child from diffi cult situation.
• Help him identify and understand his
feelings (explain what’s happening).
• Teach child ways to cope with his
emotions.
Unhappiness After
• Let him be unhappy (if, for example,
Complying with
it is because you said no cookie, stop
Your Request
running, or don’t jump).
• Allow him to express his feelings about
not being able to do what he wants to
do (as long as he complied with your
request).
Inability to
• Try to fi gure out what your child wants.
Communicate
• Teach a nonverbal child basic sign
language.
• Calmly encourage him to tell you or
show you.
• Help him by getting him started on what
to say: “Please say, ‘Mommy, I need
help.’ ”
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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools
Reason for Tantrums,
Fussing, or Whining
Possible Solutions
Resistance to Change
• Give child a fi ve-minute, a three-minute,
(Leaving a Place or an
and then a one-minute warning. This
Activity)
allows time for child to make the
adjustment from one activity to the
next. (See 5-3-1 Go! on page 81.)
• Offer a choice. “Do you want to walk to
the car or run?”
• In the future, verbally rehearse child’s
schedule in advance of the event (so
she knows what to expect).
Overstimulation
• Move child away from the activity to
a quiet place (e.g., the bathroom for a
visit or the kitchen for a snack).
•
Get down to your child’s level, maintain
eye contact, and talk in a soothing tone
of voice.
• Put your child on your lap and your
arms around him for a quiet hug.
Boredom
• Provide a toy to play with.
• Initiate a word game or I Spy game for
distraction.
• Tell a story.
• Take child outside to play.
• Give your child a small task to do. “Can
you fi nd the box of macaroni?” “Can you
snap these beans?” “Will you go get my
slippers for me?” “Can you pick out a
new toy for the baby?”
Discomfort
• Determine the issue and see if it can
be solved. (Shoes too tight? Socks
too bumpy? Too hot? Too cold?
Uncomfortable car seat?)
Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining: The Big Three
111
Reason for Tantrums,
Fussing, or Whining
Possible Solutions
Sickness or Pain
• Watch your child’s behavior for clues
to illness. (Undetected ear infection?
Teething? Headache? Tummy ache?
Undetected allergies or asthma?)
Confusion
• Decide if you are expecting something
different of your child every day when
this particular issue is involved.
• Create routines for everyday
occurrences.
• Create and post family rules.
Neediness
•
Determine if your child’s need is
warranted. If it is, stop the child’s
misbehavior and then provide the
attention she seeks. (If neediness is a
sign of another problem, deal with the
root issue: Boredom? Divert child to an
activity. Shyness? Slowly introduce child
to the new situation. Tiredness? Put her
down for a nap or to bed.)
Mother-Speak
“ When I got upset at my daughter I found myself telling her,
‘Sorry, honey, Mommy is really tired right now and that
makes me more frustrated.’ Then I thought, Wow, that’s the
same reason she gets upset, too. I think we just forget that
our kids really are humans like we are, with needs, desires,
and frustrations that affect their behavior.”
—Kristi, mother to Arianna, age 3
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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools
Tips for Handling Tantrums, Fussing,
and Whining