The No Cry Discipline Solution (26 page)

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

101

Father-Speak

“ I have been getting really stressed out with my children

lately. I fi nally realized that I was overmanaging every single

behavior of each child. No matter what they said or did, I

had to show them a better way. When I decided to back off

a bit and address only the important issues, there were no

resulting disasters and we all became much more relaxed.”

—Matthew, father to Megan, age 7; Jack, age 5; and Evan, age 2

Remove the emotion and analysis that clutters up your head and

try to see daily situations for what they really are. Then look for

a solution. A spilled glass of milk isn’t a sign your child is clumsy,

careless, or irresponsible; it’s just a spill. It calls for a sponge. A

toddler’s wet pants do not mean he’ll be in diapers until fi rst grade.

Nor are they an indication that you’ve totally failed Potty Training

101. They aren’t even an act of willful disobedience on his part.

They are just a product of a busy child who didn’t make it to the

bathroom on time and who needs a change. Two siblings bickering

over a toy doesn’t mean they hate each other, it doesn’t mean your

children are selfi sh or greedy, nor does it mean you’ve failed your

job as a parent. It just means that they both want the same toy and

don’t know how to settle their dispute.

Pick your battles. Not every issue needs to be addressed and cor-

rected. Little things can sometimes slip through the cracks with no

impact on anything of importance. As a matter of fact, if you feel

you must address every single episode of misbehavior of any size,

you will likely drive yourself and your children crazy! Every once

in awhile, the best thing you can do for family peace is to turn

around, pretend you didn’t see it, take a deep breath, and move on

to something else.

102

No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Key Point

\“ Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes

are truly endless.”

—Mother Teresa

Most of today’s biggest parenting issues can be solved in many

different ways. No matter the approach, they are soon resolved and

new ones will take their place. If during the course of your days

you can remember to use your parenting techniques, to try to be

fl exible and relaxed, and to pick your battles wisely, you’ll fi nd your child more willing to cooperate in most issues. At the same time,

you keep calm, peaceful, and in control. And best of all, you’ll

enjoy raising your child much, much more.

Compliments, Encouragement,

and Kind Words

Children—just like all human beings—respond well to positive

words. A child’s world is full of negative input, orders, corrections,

and criticism. When children receive compliments, encourage-

ment, and kind words, it helps them feel great about themselves

and their world. It builds their self-esteem. It encourages more of

the behavior that prompted the positive feedback.

As parents we sometimes take our roles so seriously that we try

too hard to be the ever-present teacher. We want our children to

grow up right, so we take every opportunity to correct their path.

We need to understand that our kind words can sometimes teach

as much—or more—than our corrections can. No child has been

harmed by too much encouragement or by thinking that her par-

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

103

ent loves her a little bit too much, so relax and
say
all those positive thoughts that are rolling around in your head.

During their growth and development, children go through

many stages of self-doubt. They compare themselves to others, or

to our expectations for them, and they often see themselves as

coming up short. As parents, we can offset this natural tendency

in our children by providing them with plenty of encouraging

support, which will endow them with the skills to think more

positively, which in turn will help them make better choices about

their behavior. Children take many cues about who they are from

their interactions with their parents. We want to help them paint

a picture of themselves as responsible, capable human beings who

make good choices and behave appropriately.

Key Point

\“ I don’t believe that children can develop in a healthy way

unless they feel that they have value apart from anything

they own or any skill that they learn. They need to feel they

enhance the life of someone else, that they are needed.

Who, better than parents, can let them know that?”

—Fred Rogers, “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood”

Build a Foundation of Love, Trust,

and Respect

In their efforts to be good teachers, many parents treat their chil-

dren in ways that they would never treat a friend. In their efforts to

raise respectable children, they become so focused on the end goal

104

No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Amelia, age 3½

that they don’t realize that the primary message coming through

to their children is not a pleasant one.

Imagine that you’ve been invited to a friend’s home for dinner.

Your friend welcomes you at the door and you step inside. Sud-

denly, your host shouts, “What is the matter with you! Your shoes

are all muddy and you’re getting my carpet dirty!” Embarrassed,

you mumble, “Sorry” and remove your shoes. As you do, you notice

the hole in your sock, and so does your friend, who announces,

“Geez. Don’t you think you could have dressed properly for din-

ner? You look like a slob.” As you take your place at the table, your

host knocks your elbow off the table with a whispered, “Tsk, tsk.

Where are your manners?” The dinner conversation is primarily

your friend’s story about a guest who joined them for dinner last

night who had
lovely
manners and no holes in her socks. The story
Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

105

is sprinkled with your friend’s occasional admonishments about

your table manners. When you fi nish your meal, you stand up only

to hear your friend say, “It sure would be nice if
somebody
helped clear the table.”

Take a close look at your own daily interactions with your

children. Check to be sure that you aren’t so focused on improv-

ing your child’s behavior that your approach is too insensitive or

unforgiving. Make sure that the primary message to your child is
I

love you, I believe in you, and I respect you
. Children who are confi -

dent that they are loved and respected by the important adults in

their lives will respond overall in a much more pleasant way.

How do you get this message through to your children?
First
,

by giving them what they want most from you—your time.
Sec-

ond
, give them your ear. Children thrive when they have someone

who really listens to them. Sometimes it’s not as important to give

advice and solve problems as it is to just plain listen.
Third
, praise and encourage your children daily. Look for reasons, big and small,

to give your children positive feedback.
Fourth
, tell them you love them. Tell them you believe in them. Tell them you respect them.

Use your words and your actions to convey
I love you, I believe in

you, and I respect you.

Reminder Page

No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills

and Tools

• First: Solve the real problem: Tired? Hungry? Frustrated?

Bored? Overstimulated? Scared? Confused?

• Be consistent.

• Offer a choice.

• Play a cooperation game.

• Make it talk.

• Engage the imagination.

• Sing a song.

• Tell a story.

• Be silly.

• Use 5-3-1 Go! (Give fair warning.)

• Have an eye-to-eye discussion.

• Use positive words. (Avoid
no
,
don’t
,
stop
.)

• Use when/then, now/later, you may/after you.

• Distract and redirect.

• Use family rules.

• Make it brief, make it clear.

• Think it, say it, mean it, do it.

• Follow daily routines.

• Use happy face cards.

• Use a time-out to interrupt misbehavior and calm emotions.

• Be fi rm—it’s okay.

• Be fl exible. Don’t fret. Pick your battles.

• Give compliments, encouragement, and kind words.

• Build a foundation of love, trust, and respect.