The No Cry Discipline Solution (21 page)

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

hop like bunnies?” Almost immediately the two kids begin to hop

toward the car.

This type of counting is different from the typical countdown

to disaster, “1 . . . 2 . . . 3. Okay, now you’re in trouble! Time-out!”

The 5-3-1 Go! method is a respectful way of letting your child

know in advance what’s coming up and allowing her to fi nish

what she’s into so that she can make the transition. Use 5-3-1

Go! daily as a way to help your child cooperate with you on many

tasks, such as getting dressed, fi nishing lunch, putting away toys,

getting into the bathtub, getting out of the bathtub, and getting

ready for bed.

Mother-Speak

“ I’ve been using 5-3-1 Go! with Anna and it works like a

charm. The biggest challenge was training my adult friends

that when I started the countdown, it meant them, too!

Sometimes I’d get to ‘Go’ and my friends would want to

continue to chat. Now my friends know that when I start the

countdown, I mean it for us as well as the children.”

—Tracy, mother to Anna, age 4, and Zack, age 2

Eye-to-Eye Discussions

Very often parents call out instructions to their children from two

rooms away. The children are engaged in their play and barely

hear the instructions, let alone understand it’s directed at them.

Or, parents talk “at” their children, lecturing in a monologue that

invites no true communication. Children of all ages respond much

better to purposeful, face-to-face conversation.

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

83

You can engage your child’s attention much more effectively if

you take a moment to go to her, get down to her eye level, and talk

to her face-to-face. When you do this, you have your child’s full

attention. There’s no chance that you’re being ignored or that she

doesn’t realize you are talking to her. In addition, your child can

read your nonverbal communication signs, such as facial expres-

sion and body language. This will add to her ability to truly under-

stand what you are saying. At the same time, you will be able to

read your child’s nonverbal language, which will help you know if

she truly understands what you are saying.

Children are not little adults, but they are little people. They

love their parents and they want to understand them. Give them

an opportunity to listen, learn, and participate in a conversational

exchange with you.

When you have a request, or have something to say, take the

extra minute or two to get to eye level with your child and talk

to her—clearly and respectfully. Explain what you want and why

you want it. Ask questions to confi rm that your child understands

you. This exchange of information doesn’t take very long, and the

pleasant results are well worth it.

Mother-Speak

“ It is a useful reminder that children need more explanation.

We adults take so many things for granted and can some-

times unwittingly forget that our children don’t have our life-

time of experience behind them. We unconsciously expect

our children to know more than they do when it comes to

their behavior.”

—Sonja, mother to Ekatarina, age 3,

and Aleksandar, age 1

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Use Positive Words

Some of the most overused words in parenting are
no
,
don’t
, and
stop
. It is necessary, of course, that we get our children to stop misbehaviors. However, when these words are overused, they create

more problems than they solve. I call these
fi ghting words
because when you start your sentence with any of these words your child

doesn’t even hear or comprehend what comes next, and the “fi ght-

ing word” acts as a fuse to set off a tantrum.

When possible, make an attempt to phrase your words in the

positive, rather than the negative.

Negative Fighting Words

Positive Cooperation Words

Stop
fi ghting over that truck! Please share the truck nicely.

Don’t
hit the baby!

Touch the baby gently.

No
, you can’t have ice cream. You can have a banana or a

piece of cheese right now.

When this optimistic approach to language choices becomes more

common in your home, you will fi nd your children imitating this

style of speaking, so it’s not just a cooperation tool, it’s training for a lifetime of positive communication skills.

When/Then, Now/Later, You May/After You

Often, when parents don’t want children to do something it’s not

the act that’s the problem for the parent, it’s the timing. Candy

before dinner is a no-go but after dinner is fi ne. Playing outside

after dark isn’t allowed, but playing outside after lunch is great.

The When/Then technique teaches children the proper tim-

ing and sequence of events. It is a wonderful approach because

it respects and acknowledges your child’s desires but moves your

child’s action to the correct place in time.