The No Cry Discipline Solution (25 page)

of allowing children to understand the impact of their behavior

choices. Here’s how it works:

1. Make a list of your top three to fi ve rules. Make them easy

to understand. Print them clearly in large letters. (Examples:

No hurting people. Do what Mommy or Daddy tells you to

do. No tantrums. No screaming.) Hang the list on the wall,

at your child’s eye level and in a location near where your

child spends most of the day.

2. Use oversized index cards or cut a piece of poster board into

ten squares, about 3Љ ϫ 5Љ. On the front side of ten pieces

draw a colorful happy face, or fi nd happy faces online and

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

95

print and paste them onto the squares. Your child can even

help decorate the happy faces, if you’d like. On the back

side of each card, draw a blue sad face. You’ll start with ten

happy/sad face squares. After a week or two, if desired, you

can reduce this number to eight and then eventually fi ve.

3. Hang the faces—happy side up—near the rules. Tell your

child that every morning they will all be happy faces. Each

time he breaks a rule, one face will change to sad.

4. Each day after dinner count the faces with your child.

Some children respond well to this approach without any

attached rewards or consequences. Just seeing the sad face is enough

to help them identify and curb bad behaviors. Other children need

or like to have a small reward connected. You can include a reward

system, based on the number of happy faces remaining at the end

of each day. For example, your child gets to pick the same num-

ber of books as happy faces for prebedtime reading, or he gets to

choose a game to play with you for that number of minutes. Or,

perhaps he gets the same number of small marshmallows for a

treat after dinner. Therefore, fi ve happy faces equals fi ve books,

fi ve minutes of his game, or fi ve marshmallows. This gives your

child a concrete way to understand that his choices and his behav-

ior affect outcomes in his life.

Just a note here: when you change a happy face to a sad one

your child may have a meltdown! He may even rip it off the wall.

If he does, you must VERY CALMLY say, “I’m sorry this happened,

but because you [insert behavior] there is now a sad face.” Unwrin-

kle the sad face and tape it back up. If your child displays great

unhappiness when you turn a face over, you will know that the

system is working as it should! You
want
your child to be unhappy about his misbehavior and the consequences it brings. This leads

to better self-discipline and will help him to make decisions about

how to act.

96

No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Explain the happy face idea to your child completely when you

begin. Your conversation might sound something like this:

Honey, I want you to know that I love you and you are very important

to me. As a mommy, it is my job to make sure that you grow up to be

a nice person. Some things have been happening that make me sad,

like when you don’t listen to me, or when you hit your sister, or when

you yell and stomp your feet. We are going to do something to help you

stop making these mistakes. I am going to put two things on the wall.

This is the fi rst thing. It is our rules. Let’s read it. [Read and discuss the rules.] This is the second thing. These are your happy face cards. Happy

faces mean you are doing the right things. A sad face tells you that you

did the wrong thing. You want to try not to have sad faces. After din-

ner every day we will count the happy faces. You will get to pick out

that many books to read with Mommy and that many marshmallows to

eat after dinner. Do you understand how the happy faces work?

Once you’ve established this program, stick with it every single

day for about a month. Monitor the changes in your child’s behav-

ior. If all is going well, continue as you are until you feel that good

behaviors are set in place. At that time, take down the poster and

see how things progress. If your child’s behavior backslides, rees-

tablish the program.

Time-Out: Why, When, and How

Time-out is a traditional and often-used discipline technique. But

time-out is not a magical answer to all discipline problems, and, if

overused, it can lose its effectiveness. However, it can be a valu-

able, positive parenting tool when used selectively and in conjunc-

tion with all of the other skills discussed in this book.

A time-out works because it interrupts a child’s negative behav-

ior, separates him from the problem or situation that is igniting his

emotions, and allows him to calm himself down. Putting a child in

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

97

Key Point

\A time-out is not meant to be a punishment. It is a method

to stop a specifi c misbehavior and help a child learn how to

calm himself and control his behavior.

• A time-out itself stops misbehavior but doesn’t necessarily

correct it. The critical fi nal step should occur once parent

and child are calm. This is when the teaching should take

place.

• Let the child know—briefl y, concisely, and politely—why he

was in a time-out and how he can avoid going there again.

Teach, don’t scold or lecture, and try to keep it brief. After

you have explained why what he did was wrong, ask him

to apologize for his misbehavior.

• You don’t have to hold a grudge or stay angry at your child

to make a point; the time-out has achieved the purpose

of identifying that his behavior was wrong. At this teach-

ing step, you don’t have to hold back a hug or an “I love

you.” This is the time to show your child that he can make

mistakes, and he can learn from them. And maybe most

important, that he can be in the wrong and be forgiven,

respected, and loved.

a time-out has a purpose for a parent, too—it allows you to sepa-

rate from a youngster whose behavior is upsetting you, allowing

you to calm down as well.

Keep the following tips in mind when using time-outs for your

child:

• Decide on which issues will warrant a time-out and make

them clear to your child. Issues such as backtalk, hitting, or

destructiveness are perfectly suited to this method. As much as a

98

No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

time-out may seem to be a good solution for tantrums, that some-

times isn’t the case. You’ll have to drag a kicking, fl ailing child to

the time-out spot, and he’ll often get right back up again.

• Use a safe, boring location for time-outs to occur. A child-

proofed bathroom, laundry room, and hallway are all good choices.

Young or sensitive children can fi nd banished isolation frightening

or disturbing, so it can escalate the problem. In that case, consider

using a chair, step, or vacant corner in the same room where you

are for the time-out. Avoid using a child’s bedroom, playroom, or

favorite chair for this purpose, as you don’t want to create a nega-

tive experience in a play or sleeping space.

• There are two ways to decide how long to keep a child in a

time-out. The common rule of thumb is one minute per year of

age, which matches well with a child’s age-related maturity. The

second option is to keep him there until he is calmed down, which

could be less or more than the minute method.

• If your child refuses to stay in a time-out, do
not
fi ght with him, sit on him, or lock him in a room. Depending on your child’s

personality, and yours, use one of these ideas:

• Make sure that you’ve explained a time-out and that your

child is old enough to understand what it means.

• Practice time-out when your child is
not
misbehaving so

he’ll know what you expect when it does occur. You can

even role-play and pretend to be your child. Show exactly

what you expect him to do during a time-out.

• When you use a time-out, walk your child to the time-out

spot. Calmly instruct him to sit. If he pops up, say, “No,

sit.” Gently guide him to sit back down. Repeat as many

times as necessary.

• Sit
with
your child in a small room. Don’t talk or lecture.

Just sit.

• Have the time-out occur wherever your child happens to

be. Stand above him, cross your arms, maintain a stern

face, and announce, “You are in a time-out.”

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

99

• If your child has stopped the misbehavior, then consider

the time-out over—even if it lasted only ten seconds.

(After all, that’s the purpose of a time-out—to stop the

misbehavior.)

• If your child cries, yells, or stomps while in a time-out—let

him. He is upset and he should be. Don’t allow swearing or destruc-

tive behavior, but do allow him to be mad.

• If your child comes out of the time-out and repeats the

behavior that sent him there in the fi rst place—return him to a

time-out. And again. And again. This is perfectly normal, as chil-

dren often need repeat lessons to learn. If you are consistent, he

will eventually learn the behavior is unacceptable and you mean

what you say.

• If a time-out doesn’t work for your child, it’s possible that it’s

been used too many times, for too many reasons, or in a way that

doesn’t clearly convey its purpose. Either revise how you use it or

discard this technique and use other discipline tools instead.

It’s Okay to Have Fun, It’s Okay to Be Firm

You don’t
always
have to use a clever skill to get your child to cooperate with you. There are plenty of times when you’ll just want to

say it straight up. When you do, try to follow these basic rules:

• Get eye to eye.
Remember there is no calling from a dis-

tance, no mumbled directions.

• Say what you mean.
Don’t make threats; don’t use empty

words.

• Be clear and specifi c.
Don’t make vague requests; don’t make

your child guess what you want.

• Be polite.
“Please” and “thank you” are magic words for par-

ents to use, too.

• Stay calm.
Anger just makes things worse.

100

No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

• Follow through with action.
Take him by the hand; put

on his shoes; put away the toy.
Help
your child do what you

asked him to do.

• Be consistent.
The more you follow these steps the easier it

gets for both of you.

Be Flexible, Don’t Fret, and Pick Your Battles

Often a person’s desire to be a great parent puts too much stress on

everyone in the household because it’s an impossible goal. In life,

most things don’t fall in the critical category and can be handled

in many different ways with fi ne results. You don’t have to be a

perfect parent to raise wonderful children.

Daddy; Nathan, age 1; and Mommy