The No Cry Discipline Solution (52 page)

After a few minutes, when both you and your child have calmed

down, you can give your child permission to get up. At that point,

briefl y remind your child of what happened and ask for an apol-

ogy. Avoid a long follow-up lecture. It’s more important to respond

quickly and appropriately each time your child hits.

• Stop playtime slaps.
Children will do as they see done, even

though they may do it at inappropriate times. If you are in the

habit of playfully roughhousing with your child and allowing him

to hit you in fun, he may fi nd it diffi cult to draw the line between

the play behavior and the angry behavior.

• Talk to a professional if you need help.
If your child con-

tinues to hit you after you’ve taken measures to stop the behavior,

it may be time to talk to a family counselor or therapist. A trained

professional can determine the reasons your child is hitting and

help your family work out a plan to stop the behavior.

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What Not to Do

• Don’t respond in a timid voice or with a lengthy lecture.

Neither accurately communicates the severity of the misbehav-

ior, nor does either teach your child how to handle his anger

appropriately.

• Don’t hit back.
This can be an almost subconscious response,

but it obviously doesn’t teach the intended lesson. How can you

teach him not to hit people when you are hitting people?

Hitting, Kicking, and

Hair Pulling

See also: Biting Other Children; Sibling Fights

When my daughter gets angry at a friend, she hits or

grabs a fi stful of hair and yanks. I’ve lectured her and

yelled at her, but it doesn’t seem to help.

Think About It

Hair pulling, kicking, biting, and hitting are all typical emotional

behaviors of young children. They may act this way because of

a lack of knowledge and self-control. It is not a sign that your

child is hateful or mean. Children are human beings, and human

beings
will
get angry, we can’t prevent that. It’s up to us to teach our children how to handle their frustration and anger in socially

appropriate ways.

What to Do

• Intercede before it happens.
Watch your child closely during

playtime. When you see her becoming frustrated or angry, take the

time to intervene. Coach her through the issue by teaching her

how to handle her frustrations. Teach her what to do, or model

what to say to her friend. Or if she seems too upset to learn at that

moment, redirect her attention to another activity until her emo-

tions level out.

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Mother-Speak

“ My daughter, Gracie, would sometimes hit her little friend

when they were playing together. Of course Gracie never

intended to hit her, but when she got overly excited or

wanted a toy, she would hit. Recently I’ve tried ‘talking it up’

before the play date starts. ‘Gracie, in a few minutes, Cait-

lyn is coming over to play. Remember that you need to be

very gentle with Caitlyn. You give her hugs. You share your

toys with her. Be nice to Caitlyn, and no hitting. Hitting hurts.

Hitting makes Caitlyn cry. You need to be gentle, okay?’ I

just keep repeating myself over and over again, and she will

repeat back a few of my sentences as if reciting a mantra

of some sort! And lo and behold—the times I’ve done this,

there’s been no hitting.”

—Sarah, mother to Gracie, age 2, and Sam, age 9 months

• Teach your child how to express anger or frustration

respectfully.
It’s one thing to tell a child what not to do or to step into an argument. It’s another thing entirely to teach her what to

do in advance of the next problem. This can be done through role-

play, discussion, and reading children’s books about angry emo-

tions together.

• Examine any hidden causes.
Is your child hungry, tired,

sick, jealous, frustrated, or scared? If you can identify any feelings

driving your child’s actions, you can address those along with the

aggressive behavior.

• Give more attention to the injured party.
Often the child

who hits or kicks gets so much attention that the action becomes

a way of gaining the spotlight. Instead, give more attention to the

child who was hurt. Make only a brief statement, like “No hair

pulling!” Then turn and give your attention to the child whose

Hitting, Kicking, and Hair Pulling

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hair was pulled. “Come here, honey. Mommy will give you a hug

and read you a book.”

• Show how to use positive physical touches.
Show your

child how to hold hands during a walk or how to give a backrub

or foot massage. Teach a few physical games, such as tag or leap

frog. Under direct supervision, children who are more physical can

gain a positive outlet for their physical energy.

• Teach your child to clap her hands together whenever she

feels an urge to hit.
This gives her an immediate physical outlet for her angry emotions and helps her learn to keep her hands to

herself. An alternate is to teach her to put her hands in her pock-

ets whenever she feels like hitting. Reward with praise anytime you

see her doing this successfully.

• Give your child a time-out when needed.
Every time your

child acts out aggressively, immediately and gently take the child

by the shoulders, look her in the eye, and say in a fi rm voice, “No

hurting others, time out.” Guide the child to a chair or other time-

out place and tell her, “You may get up when you can play without

hitting.” By telling her that she can get up when
she’s
ready, you let her know that
she
is responsible for controlling her behavior. If your child gets up and hits again, say, “You are not ready to get up

yet,” and direct her back to a time-out.

• Avoid play hitting and wrestling.
Young children who hit,

wrestle, or roughhouse with a parent or sibling during playtime

might use these same actions during nonwrestling times. It can

be hard for them to draw the line between the two. If you have a

child who has trouble controlling her physical acts, then avoid this

kind of play.

What Not to Do

• Don’t lose control and yell, hit, or grab your child roughly.

When you see your child hurting another person it’s easy to fl y off

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the handle. Getting angry, though, won’t teach your child what