The No Cry Discipline Solution (49 page)

vious steps and your child bites again, you can respond with more

intensity. If you catch her in the act, immediately go to her. Get

down to her level, look her in the eye, and fi rmly announce, “No

biting. Take a time-out.” Direct her to a chair and have her sit for

a few minutes. It won’t take long for your message to sink in.

• React even when you don’t see it.
If you miss the action

but are told about it later, have a talk with your child about what

happened. Limit yourself to a few brief, specifi c comments, remem-

bering that a lengthy lecture is almost never effective. Reading

children’s books together on the topic, role-playing, and demon-

strating appropriate actions can all help your child learn how to

respond to her own emotions in socially appropriate ways.

• Provide fi rst aid.
Although the risk of injury from a child’s

bite is small, it’s good to know what to do if a bite breaks through

the skin. Reassure the child who was bitten. Wash your hands with

soap and water and then the wound with soap and water. If the

bite is bleeding, apply direct pressure with a clean, dry cloth. Cover

the injury with a bandage.

What Not to Do

• Don’t respond emotionally.
When their child uses her teeth

on another human being, parents’ immediate response is often

anger, followed by punishment. This is because we view the act

from an adult perspective. However, if we can understand that a

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Specifi

c Solutions for Everyday Problems

child’s bite is most likely a responsive refl ex, we can avoid respond-

ing in typical yet ineffective ways.

• Don’t bite your child back to “show her how it feels.
” She

isn’t purposefully hurting her playmate. She likely doesn’t under-

stand that what she did is wrong, so by responding with the same

action you may actually be reinforcing that this is an acceptable

behavior, confusing her entirely.

• Don’t assume that your child is willfully misbehaving.

The ways that you’ll treat these behaviors in an older child, who

understands that biting is wrong, will be different than how you

will approach this with young child.

• Don’t yell at your child.
This will do nothing more than

scare her. Yelling won’t teach her anything about what she’s just

done, nor does it teach her what she should have done instead.

Bossiness

See also: Backtalk

My daughter is always telling her friends what to do.

She decides what games to play and then makes the

rules (which are ever changing). The other kids just go

along with her now, but as she gets older,

I’m sure they won’t.

Think About It

Learning how to play with other children is a social skill that takes

practice. If the other children go along with your daughter, then

she’s under the impression that all is well. You’ll need to help her

understand how to play politely. The good news is that a child

who frequently takes the lead often develops into a strong leader.

You’ll just need to help her learn how to develop and refi ne her

leadership skills.

What to Do

• Discuss what you saw.
Stay calm and don’t accuse, simply

state what you saw. “I noticed that you kept taking the ball from

Jeremy.” Then ask what your child thinks of the situation. Direct

the conversation with helpful questions. “How do you think your

friend felt?” “Do you think you could have done something differ-

ent?” “What should you do next time?”

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Specifi

c Solutions for Everyday Problems

• Encourage your child to be a positive leader.
Teach the

difference between a bossy statement and one that is assertive but

respectful. She likely doesn’t realize there is a subtle, but impor-

tant, difference between the two. For example, “When you say,

‘This is how we’re going to play’ it sounds bossy, but asking, ‘How

about if we do it this way?’ is a polite way to suggest new rules.”

• Enroll your child in a team activity.
Have your child partic-

ipate in a group activity such as Little League, scouting, a YMCA

program, or a church youth group. Being part of a team or special

group will your help child experience group play in a monitored

situation and may help reduce her bossy behavior. Take the time

to select a group with a polite and able leader. Look for a coach or

director who is comfortable leading the group and who appears to

enjoy spending time with young children.

Mother-Speak

“ Lately I have found my son, Orrin, bossing around my hus-

band and me and even our dogs. He makes demands, like

‘Mom, come here now.’ It’s no wonder! This is exactly what

he hears from us when we are asking something of him,

so he has picked up on it. Now, when I hear him demand

something like this, I tell him that he needs to ask nicely. He

will then change his voice back to a nice voice and will say,

‘Please, Mommy, will you come here?” Of course, the most

important thing to learn from this is that we need to model

for him the behavior that we want him to follow, so we are

working on that, too.”

—Tara, mother to Orrin, age 2, and Annalee, age 5 weeks

Bossiness

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• Determine if someone else is bossing your child around.

Is there an older sibling, babysitter, or friend who is bossing her?

(Could it be
you
?) If you can modify this person’s behavior to be more polite when requesting things of your child, that person can

become a more positive role model.

• Give the child responsibilities that she can be in charge

of.
Let your child take care of a family pet or have responsibility for setting the table or watering a plant. Chores that encourage

independence and give a child some control can fulfi ll the need

your child has to be in charge of something.

• Point out good behavior.
Watch your child and catch her

doing something right—and then praise her for it.

What Not to Do

• Don’t make a public correction.
Reprimanding her in front

of her friends will likely embarrass your daughter and her friends

as well. Not only is this modeling poor manners for all of them,

but it will prevent her from learning anything from the episode as

she’ll be hindered by her humiliation.

• Don’t stop having play dates.
Your child needs practice

to develop better friendship skills. Over time, she’ll learn how

to socialize in more appropriate ways. You’ll need to be more