The No Cry Discipline Solution (44 page)

your response was inappropriate, her behavior was as well. Avoid

turning this into a lecture, and don’t imply that your child is

responsible for your actions. Instead, use this as a life lesson in

humility. Perhaps your apology can be a model for your child’s

own apology.

Keep in mind that your apologies to your child should be brief

and few. If you fi nd that you are in the position to apologize too

often to your child, then perhaps you should consider talking to

a family counselor for advice on how to better control your angry

outbursts.

Let’s now move on to the last of our six steps to staying calm.

Once you have clearly identifi ed the cause of your anger and speci-

fi ed the exact problem, you then can move to solving the problem.

Step 6: Solve

Now . . . it’s time to solve the problem and move forward with

action. By this point you will be calm and composed and you will

have clearly identifi ed what went wrong. It is time to decide how

best to apply your parenting skills to solve the dilemma. Of course,

it helps if you actually have good parenting skills to apply—that’s

what the rest of this book is about!

Once you’ve stated the problem, you can then consider options

for solving it. You may want to jot down several possible options on

paper or talk about options with another adult. This may also be a

good time to read through a few of your favorite parenting books

and check the indexes for your problem topic. You could also talk

it over with another adult or in an online parenting chat group

or posting board. There’s no reason for you to make decisions in

a vacuum. I guarantee that the problem you are dealing with is a

common one and there are lots of sources for solutions.

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Follow Through

Once you’ve taken these six steps you will be very ready to return

to your child to address the situation that brought about your

anger. You’ll be calm and in control, and you’ll have a plan. All

that’s left is to follow through on what you’ve set out to do.

Keep in mind that it takes much more than a one-time reading

of this information to change your actions. It may take several

readings, plus lots of practice, before you fi nd that you are handling

your anger in a consistently productive way. You are changing not

only what you do, but what your child does. And you are often

changing a pattern that has been in place for many months, or

even years.

Mother-Speak

“ My husband was away on business last night so it was up

to me to get both children to sleep. I read Wade a story and

then gave him a new Winnie the Pooh book with CD to listen

to while I tended to Derryn. I got the CD going in his room

and tucked him in with it, promising to be back as soon as

Derryn was asleep. I joined him when Derryn was sleeping

and read and listened to one of the stories with him.

“Once it was over, I said good night and switched the

CD off. That’s when the upset began. He didn’t want to go

to sleep, and he was desperate to listen to one more story.

I said, ‘No, it’s time to sleep.’ I tucked him in and said good

night. He cried and got off his bed and followed me to the

kitchen. I picked him up and put him back in his bed. Then

he kicked and fussed and wailed about wanting another

story. After ten minutes of this I felt myself getting angry.

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

183

I had a million things I needed to do before getting to bed

myself, and my patience was wearing thin.

“I remembered your anger steps, so I put my hand up,

palm out, and said, ‘Stop. Just stop this now. I’m getting

angry.’ I stepped away from him for a minute, took a deep

breath, and calmed down. Then I went back and took him

in my arms and gave him a big hug, saying, ‘I know you’re

upset because you want to listen to more stories. What I’d

like to hear you say is ‘Thank you, Mommy, for my new book

and CD and for letting me listen to the stories. I’m looking

forward to tomorrow night when I can listen to another one.’

He hugged me back, and after a minute he said, ‘Thank you,

Mommy, for my new book. Can I listen to it again tomorrow?’

I gave him a squeeze and told him he could. He then went

peacefully to sleep.

“I felt so good that the meltdown had not turned ugly. I

hope that I can use your method more and more before I

get too emotionally upset and the opportunity is lost. It was

very, very rewarding.”

—Heidi, mother to Wade, age 4, and Derryn, age 2

Be kind to yourself. Anger is a diffi cult emotion to control. Even

when you’ve mastered all the skills in this book, there will still be

times when anger gets the best of you. You’ll lose control with your

child, and then you’ll berate yourself for not remembering to use

the steps to staying calm. But, try to forgive yourself as you forgive

your child. If you can use what you learn to eliminate even half

of the anger episodes in your life, you will be far ahead of many,

many parents.

184

A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Sage, age 3½

Change takes time. Also, don’t underestimate the fact that

these ideas are best used with the ideas from Parts 1 and 2 of this

book. If you don’t change your approach to discipline, then the

source of your anger will still pop up again and again.

On page 188 you’ll fi nd a list of the Six Steps to Staying Calm.

Copy and post it in a visible place in your home. At fi rst you’ll

rely on this reminder to help you through the steps. Practice this

sequence whenever you are irritable or tense. Eventually, you may

begin to use the steps automatically whenever anger takes hold.

And that will be a day worth celebrating!

Reducing Anger-Producing

Situations

This book is about developing good discipline practices that will,

in turn, reduce the types of misbehaviors that tend to make

you angry. Here are a few quick tips to get you thinking about

how you can stop those situations that make you mad—before

they even happen.

• Learn and practice good parenting skills.

• Take a bit of nonparenting personal time for yourself every

day.

• Keep a written schedule or calendar of your responsibilities

to prevent haphazard chaos.

• Post clear and understandable family rules.

• Offer your children choices instead of making demands,

whenever possible.

• Make your requests brief and clear.

• Express yourself using “I” sentences; avoid “you” statements

that can create confl ict.