The No Cry Discipline Solution (54 page)

Manners

See also: Bossiness; Interrupting; Mealtime Behavior;

Restaurant Behavior

My son has bad manners—he doesn’t even remember

the basics, to say “please” and “thank you.”

Think About It

Your child doesn’t run into the freeway or play with steak knives

because you’ve made it clear that these behaviors won’t be toler-

ated. You must decide that using good manners is just as important

for him to learn. Children aren’t born with proper manners. They

must be taught about manners and then consistently reminded.

What to Do

• Tell him exactly what you’d like to hear.
Rephrase what

your child has said in the way you fi nd acceptable. “What I’d like

to hear you say is, ‘May I please have more pancakes?’ ”

• Teach instead of chastise.
Instead of saying, “That’s hor-

rible!” respond in a positive, teaching way. “It’s impolite to belch

at the table, and if you do, it’s proper to say, ‘Excuse me.’ ” If your

child didn’t know what the proper behavior was, you’re teaching a

valuable lesson. If he did, you’re displaying
your
good manners as you correct him.

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Specifi

c Solutions for Everyday Problems

• Model the behavior you’d like to see.
It’s easy for a parent to forget to use “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” when dealing

with young children. Remember your manners. It’s easy teaching,

and it makes life more pleasant. So, replace “Stop making that

noise” with “Please play quietly.”

• Praise your child.
Show your appreciation when your child

uses good manners.

What Not to Do

• Don’t respond to bad manners.
Look your child in the eye

and say, “I know that you have nice manners. When you can ask

me using your good manners, I’ll be happy to answer you.”

Mother-Speak

“ I’ve discovered that simple modeling often brings about

the behavior I’m hoping for. I have always said ‘thank you’

when my daughter handed me something. She started say-

ing it, and now she almost always says ‘thank you’ when

something is given to her. When I wanted her to start saying

‘please,’ I tried the ‘Say please for Mommy’ and ‘Where are

your manners?’ route and got nowhere. Then I gave up and

just started making sure I said ‘please’ to her all the time,

and it worked! She now says ‘please’ consistently. Now I’ve

incorporated this form of teaching into everything else. It’s

not instant and not perfect, but it works. Plus, I have a cheer-

ful, confi dent, happy little girl I get to enjoy because I’m not

constantly frustrated in a mommy-child tug of power.”

—Sheri, mother to Faith, age 2

Manners

239

• Don’t laugh at bad manners.
Laughing encourages children

to see dreadful manners as a source of humor.

• Don’t use those old-school responses.
“Waad-do-ya-say?” or

“Where are your manners?” aren’t very polite ways to remind your

child to use his manners.

Mealtime Behavior

See also: Interrupting; Manners

My son won’t sit still for a meal. He’s up and down,

picks food off his plate, and doesn’t use good

table manners.

Think About It

Children have an abundance of energy, so sitting still for any

length of time such as at a meal is a challenge. Moreover, children

don’t fi nd social pleasure in sharing a meal (they’d rather play), and

food itself is not a priority for them (unless it’s ice cream).

What to Do

• Be patient and teach.
Tell your child what you want, rather

than what you don’t want. Avoid saying, “Don’t eat with your

hands!” Instead, tell him what you do want: “Please use your

fork.”

• Keep a happy mood at the table.
Focus on pleasant conver-

sation; don’t use the time to reprimand. Don’t let adults dominate

the dinner conversation and continually shush the children. Allow

children to take part in the conversation, too. Make mealtime a

joyful family time with everyone sharing.

• Accept age-appropriate behavior.
All children spill their

milk, splatter their ketchup, and leave an array of crumbs around

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Mealtime Behavior

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their chairs. It takes time to acquire the motor skills required to

be tidy and clean.

• Be consistent.
Require children to use the good manners

that you’ve taught them. Children who routinely practice using

good manners will adopt those manners as good habits.

• Practice formal manners.
Every once in a while, have a for-

mal meal. Use a tablecloth (an old one!) and a full selection of

silverware and napkins. Pretend you’re at a fancy restaurant, and

allow everyone to exaggerate his or her best manners. You may

even choose to dress up and use candles. In addition to teaching

good manners, it’s a beautiful family ritual and will create wonder-

ful memories.

What Not to Do

• Don’t have unrealistic expectations.
If you expect your

young child to sit quietly at the table for a long meal and use

impeccable manners, you are setting yourself up for disappoint-

ment. Children aren’t little adults.

• Don’t force your child to eat when he’s not hungry.
Chil-

dren have natural appetite control. They should be allowed to eat

when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Allow your

child to continue to listen to his body. If you require your child to

clean his plate, use a smaller plate and child-sized servings. One

caveat here: your child might not differentiate between cookies