The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (21 page)

They will be my people, and I will be their God. And I will give them one heart and one purpose: to worship me forever. JEREMIAH 32:38-39

WE ALL HAVE a need for significance. There is within each of us the desire to do something bigger than ourselves. We want to accomplish something that will impact the world and give us a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. This desire is given to us by God, who wants us to find our ultimate significance in him. As this verse from Jeremiah makes clear, he has created us with the purpose of serving and worshiping him.

This need for significance is sometimes behind the driven nature of the workaholic. Many times this drive for significance is heightened by childhood experiences. The father who tells his son that he will never amount to anything may make it difficult for his son to ever feel significant. As a result, the son may spend a lifetime trying to prove his father wrong. He may, in fact, accomplish much-yet never feel significant.

Understanding this motivation will greatly enhance the efforts of someone who is married to a workaholic. To praise the workaholic for her accomplishments is far more productive than to condemn her for devoting too much time to work. Affirmation is productive. Condemnation is destructive.

Father, please give me compassion and understanding for my spouse, who works so hard in an attempt to feel significant. Help me to affirm him or her. Help us also to remember that our ultimate significance is not something we have to attain, because you give it to us.

On the seventh day God had finished his work of creation, so he rested from all his work. GENESIS 2:2

PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, and emotionally, humans are designed with the need for rhythm between work and play. The old saying "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" reflects a fundamental human need for recreation or relaxation. This need is reflected in the second chapter of the Bible, where we learn that after Creation was completed, the Lord rested from his work. As people made in God's image, is it surprising that we also have this need?

Look at your own and your spouse's behavior, and you will see that at least some of your actions are motivated by this desire for recreation and relaxation. The methods of meeting this need are colored by our personality and preferences.

Why does Eric come home from work, click on the TV, and enjoy his favorite drink before engaging in conversation with his wife? Because he wants to relax before he makes the effort to relate to her. Or why does Ashley stop at the gym before she comes home and interacts with her family? Consciously or unconsciously, she is seeking to meet her need for relaxation. If we understand our spouse's need, we can try to find a way to get the love we need and still allow our partner the freedom to meet his or her own needs. We, too, must find our own way of relaxing-whether it's reading, exercising, watching TV, or pursuing a hobby-or we will lose our emotional stability. The wise spouse encourages recreation and relaxation.

Father, thank you for the need to rest and relax. Too often, l view this as a waste of time, but 1 know it's an important need that you have given us. Help me not to criticize my spouse for relaxing, but to view it as a positive thing for refreshment.

Choose today whom you will serve.... But as for me and my family, we will serve the LORD. JOSHUA 24:15

RECENTLY, A WOMAN SAID TO ME, "How can we speak each other's love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures?" The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices and wise choices, in spite of our emotions.

When the Israelites were settling in the Promised Land, their leader, Joshua, instructed them to choose their path carefully. Would they serve the gods of the culture they had left (Egypt) or the gods of the culture they were joining (Canaan)? Or would they choose to serve the Lord God who had brought them to this place? The people had made poor choices in the wilderness, but now they had a new chance to respond. They followed Joshua's lead and chose to follow the Lord.

Having made poor choices in the past doesn't mean that we must continue to make them in the future. In our relationships, we can say, "I'm sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you and meet your needs" Confessing past failures and expressing a desire to make the future better is a choice. I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love and then learn to speak each other's love language.

Hurts are not to be denied. They are to be replaced with expressions of love. When we choose to love in spite of our feelings, we find negative feelings will dissipate, and feelings of intimacy return. Loving acts create loving feelings.

Father, thank you forgiving us the ability to choose to love. Help me to make the right choices in myrelationship with myspouse, not choices that are based onlyon emotion orpastproblems. Let me replace the hurts between us as a couple with expressions of love.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7

A MAN NAMED BRENT confided in me: "I just don't love her anymore. I haven't loved her for a long time. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't enjoy being with her anymore. I don't know what happened. I wish it were different, but I don't have any feelings for her."

Brent was thinking and feeling what thousands of people have thought and felt through the years. It's the "I don't love her anymore" mind-set that gives men and women the freedom-at least in their minds-to seek love with someone else.

It's worth taking another look at the apostle Paul's famous "definition" of love in 1 Corinthians 13. In this passage, which is read at many weddings, the focus is all on attitude and action-not on feelings. For example, enduring through every circumstance and not demanding our own way pretty much require that we're not overly focused on our emotions. But when we act in a loving way, often the emotions will follow.

Unfortunately, Brent had never made the distinction between the two stages of romantic love. In stage one, the feelings are euphoric and without effort. In stage two, action is the key, and the feelings come only when we speak each other's love language. Can Brent's marriage be saved? Yes, if he and his wife will confess past failures and agree to speak love in a language the other person understands. In stage two, loving actions precede loving feelings.

Lord Jesus, thank you for this reminder that true, godly love is more about the way /act than about the way 1 feel. Sometimes it's hard to act in a loving way when I don't feel like doing it. But please give me the will and the courage to express my love to my mate.