The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (27 page)

Live happily with the woman you love through all the ... days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. ECCLESIASTES 9:9

ONE OF THE BENEFITS of being married is companionship. A loving, supportive spouse is not only good for your emotional health, but also for your physical health. Some time ago, a research project involving ten thousand married men, forty years of age or older, found that those who had loving, supportive wives had significantly fewer heart problems. An intimate relationship in marriage enhances physical health.

However, loneliness within the marital relationship is detrimental to health. Marriage is designed by God to provide companionship. God said of Adam, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him" (Genesis 2:18). Essentially, companions share life together. Thus when a married couple communicates with each other daily, they develop a sense of companionship. They are committed to each other. They stand together as they face the uncertainties of life. Something about having a companion makes life more bearable. That was God's plan. King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes that a wife-and, by extension, a husband-is a gift from God that refreshes us from the toil of daily life.

So as a couple, talk and listen to each other and build your relationship. Don't allow loneliness to rob your health.

Lord Jesus, thank you for the gift of marriage and the companionship it can bring. I want to bring friendship and partnership to my spouse, not loneliness. Please help us to strengthen our relationship more and more.

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.

PROVERBS 15:1

HOW SHOULD YOU RESPOND if your spouse is angry? It's natural to respond in kind, with angry words. But as Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, that will only lead to more argument. If you want to deflect the anger and get to the root of the situation, the first step is to listen. Why is your spouse angry? What have you done to cause hurt? Maybe it's simply a misunderstanding, but you can't know that until you listen. So if your spouse is angry, the best thing you can do is to stop everything and ask, "Honey, why are you angry with me?" Listen to the response.

The second step is to listen again. Ask questions to make sure you know what is being communicated. You might say, "Is this what you are saying? You're angry because you left your shirts on the chair for me to take to the cleaners, and when you came home tonight, you saw them still lying on the chair."'"That's right,"your mate says, "and you promised to take them to the cleaners. I don't understand that."

The third step is to listen. That's right-do it one more time. "Honey, are you saying that I disappointed you by not taking your shirts to the cleaners?" "Yes, and I don't have a shirt to wear tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do." Ah, now you are ready for step four, which I'll share in tomorrow's devotion.

Father, when my spouse is angry and snaps at me, I want to snap back. It takes a lot of self-control to respond gently instead, but 1 know that's what's best for our relationship. Please teach me to listen first and make sure I understand why my spouse is angry before 1 respond. I need your help, Lord.

Listen closely to what I am about to say. Hear me out. JOB 13:17

REMEMBER THE FIRST THREE STEPS to responding to an angry spouse? Listen. Listen. Listen. Until you listen to your spouse three times, you will not have a clear picture of why he is angry. When you ask questions and listen intently, your spouse knows that you are taking him seriously. The story of job in the Bible shows job experiencing great physical suffering and intense emotions. The longer he talked without feeling someone was listening, the angrier and more frustrated he became. A friend-or spouse-who listens effectively can have a significant impact.

The fourth step is to try to understand your spouse's plight. That is, put yourself in his shoes and try to look at the world through his eyes. It's true that what happened may not have made you mad. But given your spouse's personality, can you understand why he would be upset?

Once you've gained new understanding, step five is to express that understanding. For example, "Honey, when I try to look at this through your eyes, I can understand why you are angry. If I were in your shoes, I would probably be angry also. It makes sense to me now." Wow. You have just ceased to be the enemy. You are now a friend, and friends can help friends solve problems.

Lord God, when my spouse is angry, l don't want to become his or her adversary. Instead, please help me to listen, understand, and communicate that understanding so that I can be my spouse's friend. Please give me the forbearance and humility to work with my spouse to find a solution to the problem we're facing.

Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

COLOSSIANS 3:13

AS WE'VE DISCUSSED in the past few days, when you respond to an angry spouse, you need to listen and empathize to understand the reason for the anger. Once you've done that, you are ready for step six: Share your perspective. You almost certainly see the situation differently, and it's appropriate for you to communicate that. For example, "Honey, let me tell you what I had in mind when I said that." Or, "Let me tell you what I was thinking when I did that." Chances are, your spouse will be able to hear your explanation because you have created a friendly atmosphere by going through steps one through five.

Finally, step seven is to seek resolution. The question now is,"How can we solve this problem?" Two adults who have heard each other out can now find a solution. If genuine wrong has been committed, then there can be confession and forgiveness, as well as discussion about how to keep it from happening again. Colossians 3:13 reminds believers that forgiving each other is not optional. You need to give each other grace. If misunderstanding was at the root of the anger, you should discuss how you might handle this differently in the future.

Every angry episode in a marriage should be a learning experience, and now you have a plan to make it happen.

Lord Jesus, thank you that anger need not destroy our relationship. As my spouse and 1 try to respond calmly to each other's anger, help us to work together to find a solution. When we experience conflict, may we learn from it and come up with a better way to handle it next time.