The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (62 page)

Listen to your father, who gave you life, and don't despise your mother when she is old. PROVERBS 23:22

HOW DO YOU HONOR your parents after you are married, without allowing them to control you? The Lord has never rescinded his command to honor your parents (see Exodus 20:12). As long as they live, it is right to honor them. Some people find this easy because their parents are honorable and don't seek to control their lives. For others, this command is difficult.

One wife said, "How can I honor my mother when she made such a mess of her life and now seeks to make life miserable for me and my family?" The word honor means "to show respect." Sometimes we do not respect the lifestyle of our parents or in-laws, but we must respect their position. In the providence of God, they gave us life. For that we respect them. They are our parents, so we treat them kindly. We do what we can to help them, but we do not allow them to control our lives by intimidation or fear. Proverbs 23:22 suggests two more applications of honoring parents-first, listening to them; and second, caring for them, not despising them, when they are old. These go along with basic respect.

Honor does not mean that you must do everything that your parents request. Honor is seeking to do what is best for them.

Father, please help me to show appropriate honor to my parents. Guide me as 1 seek to treat them as you want me to-with love, kindness, and respect. I know that approach will help strengthen my marriage.

Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions. PROVERBS 18:2

EMPATHETIC LISTENERS approach every conversation with this attitude: I want to know what is going on in my spouse's mind and heart. This is not the attitude most people hold. Psychologist Paul Tournier expressed it well when he said, "Each one speaks primarily in order to set forth his own ideas.... Exceedingly few exchanges of viewpoints manifest a real desire to understand the other person."

By nature, we are all egocentric. In other words, we unconsciously think, The world revolves around me. The way I think and feel is the most important issue. It is a giant step in maturity when we choose to develop an attitude of empathy-honestly seeking to understand the thoughts and feelings of our loved ones. The above verse from Proverbs states bluntly that those who are concerned only about their own opinions are foolish. Why? Because they will never learn more-about either the topic being discussed or about the people discussing it.

The apostle Peter instructs husbands to "be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect" (1 Peter 3:7, NIV). This challenge goes for wives as well. When we respect the ideas and feelings of our spouse, we are listening empathetically.

Lord Jesus, selfishness so often pervades our communication as a couple. Please give me the self-control and the wisdom to respect my spouse's ideas and try to understand him or her as we talk.

Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.

PROVERBS 18:13

IF I LISTEN to my wife with a view to "setting her straight;' I will never understand her, and most of our conversations will end in arguments. It is the propensity to pass judgment that sabotages the conversations of thousands of couples. Consider a woman who says, "I think I am going to have to quit my job." Suppose her husband responds, "You can't quit your job. We can't make it without your salary. And remember, you're the one who wanted this house with the big mortgage payment." They are either on the road to an intense argument or else they will withdraw and suffer in silence, each blaming the other.

Once again, in the proverb above, King Solomon is blunt in his appraisal of those who answer before they have all the information. He calls their behavior shameful and foolish. Not only does it lead to arguments, but it stops the process of exchanging information, and no further wisdom can be attained.

How very different things will be if the husband withholds judgment and instead responds to his wife by saying, "It sounds like you had a hard day at work, honey. Do you want to talk about it?" He has now opened up the possibility of understanding his wife. And when she feels heard and understood, together they can make a wise decision regarding her job. Withholding judgment, waiting for the facts, allows the conversation to proceed.

Father, in situations like these, help me to hold my tongue. Let me not offer my spouse the first response that comes to my mind, which is often full of my strong opinions. Please give me the wisdom to ask questions and invite a deeper conversation.

After washing their feet, [Jesus] put on his robe again and sat down and asked, "Do you understand what I was doing? ... Since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other's feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you." JOHN 13:12, 14-15

PERHAPS JESUS' GREATEST ACT of service-apart from his sacrificial death-was taking a basin of water and performing the lowly task of washing his disciples' feet. What a simple yet profound act of service. By doing what needed to be done, but what no one else wanted to do, Jesus demonstrated humility, love, and true leadership.

Husbands, are you willing to humble yourself and serve your wife? Wives, are you willing to humble yourself and serve your husband? I'm not talking pious theology; I'm talking about truly following Jesus. In John 13, he told the disciples that he had given them an example to follow. That goes for us, too. Similarly, in Mark 10:45, he said, "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others." It's a great paradox: The way up is down. True greatness is expressed through serving. Why can't we start this at home?

It took me several years to discover the joy of serving my wife, but when I did, our marriage went from winter to spring in a few short weeks. A good question to start with is, "What can I do to help you?"

Lord Jesus, thank you for your example of service. If you humbled yourself to serve your disciples, how can I complain about serving others? Please work in me and give me a servant's heart toward my spouse.

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die fora person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. ROMANS 5:6-8