The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (48 page)

Respect everyone, and love your Christian brothers and sisters. i PETER 2:17

AN OVERLY CONTROLLING SPOUSE is the cause of many a troubled marriage. Living with a controlling spouse kills the spirit. When one spouse treats the other as a child, that person has violated the basic idea of marriage. Marriage is a partnership that must be built on mutual respect. That's a basic building block of any relationship. Two are better than one, the Bible says. But when one makes all the decisions alone, the value of two minds is wasted.

There are two typical ways to respond to a controlling spouse: to argue or to submit. Neither leads to genuine unity. Arguing with a controller is useless because you cannot win. You can extend the argument for two hours, but you will not win; a controlling person will not give in. As an alternative to arguing, some have chosen the road of submission. They think, I'll go along with my spouse just to keep the peace. But this renders the person a slave to the controller's demands, and slaves eventually rebel. External peace with internal turmoil is not the biblical idea of marriage.

The biblical idea is two people willingly seeking to meet each other's needs. Mutual love, respect, and consideration are the marks of a Christian marriage. Tomorrow we'll look at a more effective way to respond to a controlling spouse.

Father God, l want our relationship to honor you. Please show me the best way to respond to my spouse when he or she tries to exert too much control, and guard me from trying to control him or her. Help us to be respectful and considerate toward each other always.

If you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly. Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ROMANS 12:8-10

CAN A CONTROLLING SPOUSE be influenced to change? The answer is yes. But the approach may surprise you. You don't influence a controller by arguing, nor by submitting silently. Rather, you influence by giving credit for the person's intentions but refusing to be controlled by the person's decisions.

Let's say that without asking your opinion, your husband has bought a new refrigerator. Your response is to feel that your ideas don't matter and that he is treating you like a child. What are you going to do? I suggest that you say to your spouse, "I really appreciate your efforts to help me by getting the new refrigerator. I'm sure you researched it carefully and probably got a good deal on it. However, I wish you had asked for my opinion, since I'm the one who uses it most often. I'd be happy to go with you to select a new refrigerator. So do you want to call the company and ask them not to deliver the one you bought, or do you want me to call?" If he storms off in anger and says he won't call, don't argue with him. The next day, you call the company and make another selection.

Will he change his controlling patterns immediately? Probably not, but eventually, kindness and firmness will lead to change. Follow the advice of the apostle Paul, and focus on kindness, genuine love, and honor. Concentrate on what's good. This kind of treatment will likely foster change in your spouse.

Lord Jesus, you know that control is sometimes an issue in our relationship. Please help me to let go of my desire to control my spouse. And when I'm on the receiving end, show me how to be kind and firm so that we can develop better patterns.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. EPHESIANS 4:2

DO YOUR CHILDREN feel loved? I didn't ask, "Do you love your children?" I know the answer to that. But if you want to make sure your children feel loved, it is not enough to be sincere. You also need to speak your child's love language.

For some children, quality time is their primary love language. If you don't give them quality time, they will not feel loved, even if you are giving them words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service. If your children are begging you to do things with them, then quality time is likely their love language. It's easy to get frustrated with the endless requests, but we need to respond with gentleness and patience, as Ephesians 4 reminds us. Bear with your kids, make allowance for their faults, and look for the need behind their behavior. Give them some focused attention, and watch their behavior change.

Lord, you know how much I love my children. I want them to feel that love. Please give me the wisdom to communicate it the best way possible. Help me to have patience when they're asking for something and to see it as a signal for what they really need.

Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don't let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, 0 LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

PSALM 19:13-14

HOW DO EMOTIONS impact a marriage? Emotions are God's gift to enrich life. Both positive and negative emotions should point us to God. Some Christians have come to distrust emotions because they have seen people who follow their feelings and hurt everyone around them. But there is a vast difference between an emotion and a decision to do something wrong. Feelings themselves are not sinful, but the actions people take based on their feelings often are. In Psalm 19, King David asked God to keep him from deliberate or "willful" sins (NIV) so that he could be counted innocent. Emotions are not deliberate; they come on their own. It's what we do with them that can be right or wrong.

Let's take an example: Even if you're happily married, you may feel an exciting "tingle" toward a member of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. The attraction is not sinful, but your actions may be. Take the "tingles" to God. Thank him for giving you the capacity to experience this emotion, and ask him to give you wisdom for how to reignite excitement in your marriage so you can experience it in the proper place. The attraction for someone else is an indicator that your marriage needs attention.

Let your emotions point you to God. Seek his direction. When you follow his instructions, the emotion has served its highest goal. Emotions are designed to draw us to God.

Father, thank you for the gift of emotions. Please help me not to be afraid or ashamed of my feelings. Instead, show me how to view them as a way to draw me to you-and, through that, closer to my spouse. Please guard my actions and help me to respond appropriately to my feelings.