The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (54 page)

In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs us to follow the example of Christ and live with love. Just as a small boy imitates his father, so we should imitate our heavenly Father. When we follow that perfect model, we can't help but positively influence the ones we love. The reality of the power of positive influence holds tremendous potential for troubled marriages.

Lord, l know you are the perfect model of love, and 1 want to imitate you. As 1 do that, l pray that) would be a positive influence on my spouse.

A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.

PROVERBS 25:28

IN THE LAST FEW DAYS, I've been sharing realities that can change your relationship. Today, we come to reality number four: My actions need not be controlled by my emotions.

For the past thirty years or more, our culture has put undue emphasis on emotions. When applied to a troubled relationship, this philosophy advises, "If you don't have loving feelings, admit it and get out" or even, "If you feel hurt and angry, you would be hypocritical to say or do something kind to your mate" This philosophy might sound good, but it fails to reckon with the reality that people are more than their emotions.

We have feelings, yes, but we also have attitudes, values, and actions. If we jump directly from emotions to actions and ignore attitudes and values, we will destroy our marriages. Actions that are guided by values and positive attitudes are more likely to be productive.

The proverb above compares a person without self-control to a city with broken walls. In ancient times, a city's walls were its first and primary defense against enemies. Without strong walls, a city was vulnerable to attack. Similarly, when we let our emotions control us, we lose our perspective and are vulnerable to all kinds of temptations and hurtful behavior.

Don't let your emotions control you. Instead, stop, think, look for the positive, affirm it, and then do something that has positive potential.

Father, l want to be like a well-protected city, not one with broken-down walls. But 1 struggle with self-control. Too often my emotions drive my actions toward my spouse. Please help me as 1 strive to change that.

If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. i JOHN 1:8-9

A FIFTH REALITY that can change your marriage is this: Admitting my own imperfections does not mean that I am a failure.

In most troubled marriages, there is a stone wall between husband and wife that has been built over the years. Each stone represents an event in the past where one of them failed the other. These are things people talk about when they sit in the counseling office. The husband complains,"She has always been critical of everything I do. I've never been able to please her." The wife complains, "He's married to his job. He has no time for me or the children. I feel like a widow" This wall of hurt and disappointment stands as a barrier to marital unity.

Demolishing this emotional wall is essential for rebuilding a troubled marriage. Admitting your part in building this wall does not make you a failure. It means that you are human and are willing to admit your humanity. In fact, the apostle John wrote that people who claim they have never made mistakes are just fooling themselves. Confessing sin is the first step toward being reconciled with God. Confessing past failures to your spouse is the first step toward a growing marriage.

Father, so often 1 deny that I've done anything wrong because 1 don't want to feel like a failure. But 1 know that only compounds the problem. Help me to admit my wrongs to my spouse so that we can break down the wall of hurt between us.

Search me, 0 God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. PSALM 139:23-24 (NASB)

WHAT DOES YOUR SPOUSE DO or say that hurts you most deeply? That is probably a clue to your primary love language. The hurt may not come from what he does or says, but rather what he fails to do or say. One wife said, "He never lifts a hand to help me around the house. He watches television while I do all the work. I don't understand how he could do that if he really loved me." Her love language is acts of service. In her mind, if you love someone, you do things to help. For her, actions speak louder than words.

For others, words may speak louder than actions. One husband told me, "All my wife ever does is criticize me. I don't know why she married me. It's obvious she doesn't love me." For him, if you love someone, you speak kindly. His love language is words of affirmation, which is why her critical words hurt him so deeply.

If you want to discover your spouse's love language, you might ask, "What is it that I do or say, or fail to do or say, that hurts you most deeply?" It may be a scary question, but the answer will likely reveal his or her love language. Also, Psalm 139 tells us that if we ask God, he will reveal things in our lives that are hurtful to others. Ask him to give you insight as you broach the subject with your spouse.

Father, you know everything about me, including what 1 do that most hurts my spouse. Please reveal that tome. As 1 talk to my spouse, help me to have a heart that's willing to listen, learn, and improve so 1 can love my spouse more effectively.

In the same way, you husbands mustgive honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. i PETER 3:7

WHEN THE WORD intimacy is mentioned, many husbands immediately think of sex. But sex cannot be separated from intellectual and emotional intimacy. The failure to recognize this reality leads to marital frustration.

If a woman does not feel free to express her ideas, or if she feels that her husband does not respect her ideas and will tell her they're foolish if she shares them, then she may have little interest in being sexually intimate with him. Her feelings of condemnation and rejection make it difficult for her to be sexually responsive.

If a wife does not feel loved by her husband, again the emotional distance stands as a barrier to sexual intimacy. A husband who ignores these realities will be frustrated at his wife's lack of interest in sex. The problem is not her lack of interest. Rather, it is the emotional barriers that exist between the two of them.