The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (26 page)

Anal fisting shouldn’t hurt, and if you experience pain, you should slow down, back off, or stop altogether. If you don’t, you are more likely to cause some kind of trauma to the delicate rectal tissue, which can lead to discomfort, pain, and damage to your ass. To keep your ass happy and healthy, practice common sense, and don’t over do it. The better you treat it, the more you’ll be able to fist it!

That said, even those who exercise care and caution may be left the next day with a butt that’s out of sorts. You may experience soreness, mild bleeding, cramping, gas, or irregular bowel movements. Don’t worry, these symptoms are common after such an intense, extensive anal play activity. You may feel like having another enema in order to clean out or soothe your ass, but don’t. Your system has been worked over, and an enema will only irritate your rectum, especially if there are minute abrasions. Give your ass a rest from anal play, and use witch hazel wipes to relieve any external irritation.
³
Your ass should right itself within twenty-four hours. As always, use common sense: if you are bleeding, experiencing severe pain, have a fever, or feel very sick, go see a doctor
immediately. If you’ve listened to your body, and your partner has listened to you, then besides some minor soreness, anal fisting will leave you satisfied and happily exhausted.

Fisting is truly an erotic journey of the body, mind, and spirit. Although I have covered many tips and techniques throughout this section of the book, I want to admit an important point: often, successful fisting is 20 percent experience and skill and 80 percent frame of mind. By frame of mind, I mean that the fistee has to be in a mental state that allows them to wrap their head around the notion of wrapping their ass around a hand—without anxiety, reservation, or fear. What gets someone into such a headspace? Well, that’s the million-dollar question. The answer: it depends on the person. Everyone is unique, and the one thing or combination of things that will lead a person to surrender to the fist is not something I can teach you. It may be a Dominant/submissive dynamic, a hot flogging scene, the right butt plug, intense clitoral stimulation, or something else entirely. Find what it is, and you’re more than halfway there.

I call this chapter The Art of Anal Fisting because I truly believe that there is an art and a beauty to this sexual experience that some may see as radical or extreme. For me, anal fisting is an expression of love, lust, faith, and trust. Having your entire hand inside someone, or having someone’s hand inside you, is like no other feeling in the world. When I do it, I feel alive, amazed, even high, and deeply connected to my body and my partner.

 

NOTES

1
The hanky code was a signaling system that originated in the gay male leather community, but has been adopted by kinky people of all sexual orientations. A handkerchief worn in the left pocket indicates the wearer is a top or wants to give a particular activity; a hanky worn on the right means the wearer is a bottom or wants to receive that activity. Different hanky colors represent different activities like fisting, bondage, heavy S/M, et cetera. For my adapted version of the hanky code, see
www.puckerup.com/bdsm_&_fetish/hanky_code_for_heteros/
.

2
Disposable absorbent bed pads, sometimes referred to as “chucks,” are square or rectangular sheets made of waterproof plastic on one side, and absorbent material on the other. They were designed for use with incontinent people, to protect beds and furniture. You can find them at most drugstores in the same aisle as incontinence products.

3
Witch hazel wipes are sold in drugstores as “medicated hemorrhoidal wipes” from brands like Preparation H and Tucks. I like the Preparation H wipes better because they are about twice the size. Many drugstores also carry the generic or in-store brand, which contains the exact same ingredients but is a lot cheaper. While they are marketed for hemorrhoid relief, they are also great at soothing itchy, irritated, sore, or simply overworked asses. They are cool, soothing, and almost immediately calming for an itchy, sore, or irritated butthole. They are also great on a well-used pussy!

 

QUOTE

Pat Califia, “The Calyx of Isis” in
Macho Sluts
(Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1988), 135.

Since 1997, I have answered questions from people all over the world via email or in person at my workshops on a variety of issues and problems related to anal play. Here are some of the most common.

 

Throughout your pregnancy, penetration with fingers (both vaginal and anal) is safe; penetration with a cock or dildo is safe in low-risk pregnancies. Your mate should definitely avoid deep thrusting and really hard slamming of any kind. One of the challenges of sex during pregnancy is finding comfortable positions, but that takes just a little bit of experimentation. Hemorrhoids are very common during pregnancy, so your ass may be too irritated for anal play to be enjoyable. Hygiene is really important, since yeast or bacterial infections in the vagina can be more uncomfortable and harder to treat when you are pregnant. It’s especially important to prevent bacteria from the ass from transferring to the vagina, so make sure anything that goes inside you is clean and never go directly from ass to vagina. If you feel any discomfort during any sexual activity, stop at once. Talk to your obstetrician or midwife for more specific information.

The bottom line is that you need to have a rock-hard cock to get it into someone’s ass. Since you have no erectile issues during vaginal sex, your problem is probably not physical but psychological. My initial question for you is, do you have any fears about fucking your wife in the ass? Some men are anxious about hurting their partners. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you may be afraid you’ll cause her pain, or perhaps a past lover has told you that you hurt her. If you think you might have this fear, reassure yourself and your wife that you’re going to warm her up, use lots of lube, and go slow, so that it won’t hurt. Speaking of going slow, it sounds like that may also be part of your problem. You wrote about how much time it takes to get in position, and you may be losing the momentum of the moment. If that is the case, perhaps your wife can stroke your cock as you’re maneuvering it or talk dirty to you to keep the fantasy and the anticipation going while you get ready.

 

The rectum is not a straight tube. It has a gentle curve, first tipping forward toward the front of the body, then back, then forward again. Everyone’s curves are different, and some are more pronounced than others. If you stick anything straight inside the rectum, you can wind up hitting the rectal wall. Toys made of flexible materials are more comfortable and bend easier with your curves; if a toy itself is curved, the curve should be aimed toward the front of the body. All that said, you can also have a short rectum. Experiment with different toys, and have your partner experiment with different positions and angles. Go with what works.

 

There are two sets of sphincter muscles, the external sphincters and the internal sphincters. For some people, these two rings of muscles are quite close together, but for others, they are farther apart. Both sets of muscles need to relax completely in order for anal penetration to be comfortable and pleasurable. They are like the gatekeepers to the ass. Concentrate on relaxing; it’s critical to your enjoyment. Penetration can be painful if you are nervous or tense. You and your husband can also experiment with different positions; you can change the angle of insertion, the depth of penetration, and the point at which he’s hitting that inner sphincter. He also can try more shallow thrusts, so that he doesn’t consistently pull out too far, which is obviously painful for you. I think your problem can be solved with some creativity in positions.

 

It fascinates me that you consider yourself an “anal addict denied,” because you are, in fact, having anal sex—just not necessarily in the exact way you want to be. If your wife doesn’t like it doggie-style, that’s most likely because
that position offers the deepest penetration, and it obviously doesn’t work for her; fucking her in the spooning position may mean less deep thrusting for you, but a lot more comfort for her. If you’re simply dying to do it to her doggie-style, then I suggest more shallow strokes. See if that feels better to her. As for your problem that she doesn’t like anal unless you rub her clit, well, what exactly is the problem? Rub her clit! I know lots of women who can’t take anything in their ass without something working their clit; it helps them relax, get aroused, and it just feels great. If rubbing her clit is difficult because of your body position, then let your wife work her own clit while you concentrate on her ass; that way, it’s a win-win situation.

 

First, I recommend you really focus on extended foreplay before your boyfriend even attempts penetration with his dick. Have him go down on you, stimulate your clitoris, use a vibrator—whatever it takes to get you really turned on. You also need to warm up your ass with something smaller than your boyfriend’s dick, like his fingers or a smaller dildo or vibrator. Make sure you are in the driver’s seat. You call the shots about how hard, how deep, how fast. Talk to your boyfriend and make sure he knows when something feels really good and when it does not. Some men need some very quick hard thrusts in order to orgasm. It sounds like that may be the case with your guy. If he simply can’t slow down or if he does slow down, he can’t come, then I suggest this: when he’s ready to shoot, have him pull out. Then you can give him a hand job, he can touch himself, or he can thrust against you but not inside you.