The Well-Spoken Woman (31 page)

Avon vice president of public relations Debbie Coffee provides balanced feedback to her allgal staff in the spirit of honesty and kindness. If someone has misspoken, Coffee pulls her aside immediately to provide a clear appraisal and constructive criticism. This process has enabled Coffee to build a team of climbers and pullers. The climbers and pullers are women who climb the ladder of success and pull other women along with them. That's the type of atmosphere in which confidence can flourish. Avoid dragging out a negative situation with a chain of twenty-five e-mails. Acknowledge what went wrong quickly and provide feedback that can be put to constructive use.

Chick-to-Chick Coaching

Soon after Ann Richards won her first race for Travis County commissioner, she and two girlfriends created a “road show” of how-to seminars for the “PTA, garden clubs, [and] country-club ladies.”
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Most women they spoke to were not interested in running for office, but they did want to learn how to raise money and approach someone about a cause. Richards said it was tremendously gratifying to teach women skills and to help them feel better about themselves. She says she “did it for the joy of it. Because it was fun, and because it moved women along.”
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At work or at home, you could gather a small group to practice with a camera to record one another. It could be a mini version of Toastmasters
International, the nonprofit that for nearly one hundred years has been helping people improve their speaking skills. Toastmasters meetings usually last about an hour, with everybody playing a role in them. Some members practice a prepared speech, while others give impromptu remarks. There is no formal instruction, but rather all participants provide positive feedback. Debbi Fields of Mrs. Fields® cookies and Nancy Brinker, the founder of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, are famous alumni. Get a tripod for the camera, and you're ready to go.

When not at her day job, running the National Telephone Cooperative Association, which boasts a membership of six hundred companies, CEO Shirley Bloomfield is building a network called GlobalWIN for women in the telecommunications field. Bloomfield says she is still shocked when she walks into meetings and finds there are only one or two senior women in the room. Having spent her share of time on the golf course, Bloomfield makes a point of seeking out young women who will benefit from networking in a safe environment and provides them a space where they can get a little extra push, some training, and exposure.

Say “No” to Mean-Girl Comments

Women can be especially cruel to one another with personal put-downs and petty comments. The godmother of polling, Celinda Lake, says women voters judge women candidates much more harshly than male voters do, particularly when discussing appearance. A focus group can sound like a meeting of the Plastics, the superficial, backstabbing high school clique in the movie
Mean Girls.
An echo of the Plastics reverberated in a comment a state legislator made about a “sister” legislator during a gubernatorial campaign in Minnesota. The Speaker of the House, Margaret Anderson Kelliher, was poised to receive the Democratic Party's endorsement when legislator Sue Halligan told the state's largest newspaper, “I think her stump speech skills just suck.”
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Ouch!

Women don't need to march in lockstep or support each other only because they are women, but when there is a difference of opinion, let's keep it professional. For women in America, being elected governor is as difficult as becoming the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. In 2008, Hillary
and Sarah provided an example of how to avoid a public catfight. Neither uttered a word of personal criticism about the other. While the two have fundamental differences, there was no trash talk, and both agreed it would be interesting to sit down over coffee. If women as a whole are to move ahead, then we need to respect differences and each other's choices.

For twelve of the twenty-five years she spent on the US Supreme Court, Sandra Day O'Connor was the lone woman justice. Despite having graduated third in her class at Stanford Law School, O'Connor's only job offer came from a firm that needed a legal secretary: “We don't hire women, but how do you type?”
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O'Connor says one of her happiest days on the Court was when she was joined by Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She welcomed the newcomer with “enormous pleasure” despite their ideological differences. O'Connor was appointed by President Reagan and was considered a moderate, whereas Ginsberg is a liberal nominated by President Clinton. The pair was dubbed “the New Supremes,” and O'Connor said it was liberating not to shoulder the burden of representing the women of America alone.
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Call out Sexism

Women of every age have been the targets of demeaning, demoralizing verbal abuse that leaves them feeling violated or physically threatened. Now there are options when it comes to deciding if and how one should respond. During a training workshop for a group of one hundred law enforcement officers, I was conducting a mock news interview with a county sheriff. As part of the exercise, I was firing off some tough questions when a voice from the back of the room called out: “Why don't you smack her.” As the life drained out of me, I attempted to continue as if I had not heard someone suggest I should be punched.

When hit with something that throws you off stride, be prepared to think of yourself as a shock absorber. Take a second or two to feel the shock of the objectionable comment so you can decide how you want to handle it. Onstage, you may opt to let it roll off your back so you don't become too emotional or distracted. Resist the temptation to respond in the moment, as a better strategy is to deal with the offender offstage. And you can take comfort in the knowledge that you don't have to stand there
and take threatening, belittling, or sexist comments alone. A number of organizations monitor egregious behavior and call out the perpetrators.

Name It. Change It. is a nonprofit working to end sexist and misogynist media coverage of women candidates (
www.nameitchangeit.org
). An organization founded by Jane Fonda, Gloria Steinem, and Robin Morgan called the Women's Media Center is committed to making women more visible and powerful in the media by nurturing and supporting women spokespeople (
www.womensmediacenter.com
). The New Agenda is a website run by activists who have vowed “to draw a line in the sand against sexism and misogyny and to advance key goals for women” (
www.thenewagenda.net
).

The most frequently downloaded study by the American Psychological Association (APA) is titled the “Sexualization of Girls.”
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The report looks at how media images of sexual readiness, objectification, and narrowly defined standards of beauty impact girls. SPARK, a grassroots group, is engaging girls as part of the solution in protecting them from sexual exploitation (
www.sparksummit.com
). Girls are getting tools to be catalysts for change as activists, organizers, policy influencers, and media makers. At a SPARK Summit, actress Geena Davis led the audience in a pledge to take sexy back, saying that when more women and men pull together to make change, the gender imbalance in society will end.
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The Girl Scouts are also responding to the growing evidence about how many girls suffer from negative body image and low self-worth with programs to help girls and tweens accept and be proud of themselves.
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Develop the Bench

Sport aficionados love their stats, and Coach Pat Summitt is extremely proud of her basketball team's unmatched win/lose record at the University of Tennessee. Yet, there is another set of numbers she likes to tout: “One hundred percent of the players who have remained at Tennessee for four years have received their degrees.”
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Summitt also takes great personal satisfaction in the number of former players and staff members who have chosen to follow in her footsteps by becoming coaches themselves.

In the world of political consultants, Jill Alper is considered a “candidate
whisperer” for her role in advising presidential candidates and chief executives such as Governor Jennifer Granholm. Alper says that “the presence of women on a team doesn't necessarily guarantee anything, but their absence is a factor.”
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That sentiment was echoed by former White House press secretary Dana Perino, who worked for George W Bush. Perino says there were no women in the room when the decision was being made to choose Sarah Palin as John McCain's running mate: “It was a group of men who decided that the women who supported Hillary Clinton would automatically support Palin.”
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Most top-level political campaigns are run and staffed predominantly by men. Sometimes the guys don't know what's what when it comes to prepping women. I have to chuckle about the male campaign manager who wanted to order the candidate's makeup online. Then there was the fellow who refused to schedule time for a candidate's hair to be highlighted and styled prior to shooting the TV spots. Thousands of dollars were being invested in commercials, but the candidate couldn't have time to fix her hair?

If gender differences matter at the beauty counter, they have even more impact when it comes to substantive issues. An area where women need more representation is speech writing. There are a few good women writing for some very big names, but we need more. Sarah Hurwitz has penned major addresses for President Obama. Lissa Muscatine is a longtime speech-writer for Hillary Clinton. President Reagan's eloquence often flowed from Peggy Noonan's keypad. It's not that women are better writers; rather, they bring their life experience and pick up on different nuances. Former US representative Debbie Halvorson needed women voters to beat back a challenge for her seat in Illinois. An appealing story that didn't get told often enough was how, as a single mom, Halvorson sat alone at night at the kitchen table with a stack of bills. In a tight economy, many women would have related to Halvorson's story of trying to find the ends so they could meet.

Former White House speechwriter Vinca LaFleur says there may be fewer high-profile women speechwriters because women don't tend to be big self-promoters. This may be an argument for encouraging more women to enter the field. Inherently, the speechwriter's job requires keeping one's ego in check because you are writing for someone else. As LaFleur says: “At the end of the day the speech is theirs…. It is the
speaker's reputation that is on the line, not yours.” As a speechwriter you must also be a diplomat, in that you must be ready to make the best case for your ideas and then be ready to let go if your argument is not the most persuasive. “But, you can't be a patsy or a pushover.” LaFleur says she became a better speechwriter when she started to do more public speaking herself. “It helps you understand everything so much better when you have felt that clench in the throat yourself.”
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Do It for Yourself

Helping other women goes hand in hand with helping yourself. Here's how.

Take Yourself Seriously

With a name like
Mankiller
, you would think people would take Wilma very seriously, especially since she's a chief. This wasn't always the case for Chief Wilma Mankiller, who was the first woman to lead the Cherokee Nation. The chief recounted a conversation with a young man who picked her up at the airport when she visited “a named Eastern college” for a speech. He wanted to know how he should address her since, he said,
chief
was a male title. His suggestions were “chief-ess” or perhaps “chief-ette”? Wilma slowly responded that he could call her “Ms-Chief”
(mischief).
Then the student pressed her about the origin of her name.
Mankiller
was the title given to the sentry who was responsible for village security, but Wilma told the student that
Mankiller
was a nickname, and she had earned it.
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The young man probably didn't mean any disrespect, but having to demonstrate credentials over and over is exasperating. Now that I'm in my forties, it was genuinely amusing when a sixtyish man walked into a crisis communications training, took one look at me, and asked, “So, you are the one who is in charge of this?” Looking him directly in the eye with a smile, I said, “Yep, you're stuck with me.” Ten years ago, the comment would have unleashed my insecurities. It takes willpower not to cringe and skulk away. This is a good time to adopt the champion stance and take a deep breath. Then decide how you want to handle the implication that you couldn't possibly know what you are talking about.

Women at the podium have made great strides, but we haven't yet leveled the playing field. If you want others to take you seriously, you must first treat yourself with respect. In
Esquire
magazine, Tina Fey shared the advice she gave to high school girls during a commencement address.

If you find yourself two years from now at spring break, don't lift your shirt up. And if you do, have your own camera. The foolishness is that there's some disgusting middleman. They're your boobs. At least have the sense to film it yourself and get the money from it.

That's what baffles me about
Girls Gone Wild.
We could sell this ourselves! Talk about giving away the store. First of all, don't do it. But if you're going to do it, keep your hands on the money, for God's sakes. You don't need a middleman. It's your boobs.
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There is a level of seriousness to Fey's advice that should not be discounted. If you want an audience to believe that you are worth listening to, then you need to believe it. Ann Lewis was the guiding hand that helped elect Barbara Mikulski to the US Senate in 1986. Mikulski was the first Democratic woman elected to that body in her own right and is now the longest-serving woman senator. Lewis, a former White House communications director and adviser to Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign, says it is important for women to stop measuring themselves against perfection and to start measuring themselves against the competition. She says, look around the room, and you will see you are competent and capable. “Once you are in the room, recognize that you belong there. You don't have to take a test every day. If you are there, you belong there.”
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