The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (356 page)

"Hey, guys, let's say our little daddy prayer and climb into bed." I sat on Drew's bed, and Lexus climbed in my lap. We had painted the prayer on Drew's wall. He had requested a firefighter room, so we went with a vintage feel. The prayer on the wall was a perfect fit to his theme, and I think it gave him that much more comfort. Lexus was still too young to grasp the full context of our lives. Out of habit, Drew looked up the wall at the prayer. He had it memorized, so it made me smile that he still took comfort that the words were above him when he slept.

"Lord, protect our firefighters. Keep them safe each day and night. Give them courage and strength on each rescue and fire they fight."

Lexus snuggled into my chest, already half asleep. "Do you want to read a book?"

"No, I'm too tired," he responded dramatically as he threw himself onto his pillow.

"Well, I guess you better go to sleep then," I teased with a wink. I scooted off his bed with Lexus cradled in my arms.

"Mommy, will you come back and snuggle with me after you put Lexus to bed?"

"Of course, sweetie. I'll be back in a few minutes. Don't fall asleep."

"I won't," he said.

I carried Lexus to her room and tucked her in. She turned over and was asleep instantly. I turned off all the lights and left the door ajar. It had only been a couple of minutes, but Drew was already sound asleep. Dean really wore them out today.

I kissed Drew's forehead and covered him up with the firefighter blanket I had made him. Staring at him sleeping reminded me why I was here. Why I had fought against myself to make this work. Why I put them first and myself last. It wasn't an easy decision, and it was one that had me conflicted every day of my life, but it was the right choice for them.

Someone once told me that the choice to have kids was the most selfish act of humankind, but having kids was the most selfless. I didn't get it then, but I did now. We had kids to fulfill some inner desire to procreate versions of ourselves and to experience that unique joy that life could afford us. A selfish act for us, but then having kids shifts that mindset. You no longer live to please yourself, but to please them. You live for them. The most selfish act of your life changes into the most selfless, so here I was trying to be selfless.

Once I had them settled into bed, I changed into my sweats and made a cup of hot tea. I still hadn't cleaned up much, but I wasn't feeling as bad as this morning. Seeing Dean and getting out of the house helped numb my emotions a bit. I still hadn't sifted through what happened this weekend. My mind was avoiding it by flashing through the last sixteen years of my life. Sixteen years of Dean, minus one. We were apart for almost a year after he cheated on me. My whole life revolved around my relationship with Dean. Well, until this weekend with Braedyn.

****

W
eekend

Kylie walked me to my hotel room. I was a wreck. What were the odds that Braedyn would be at the same hotel at the same time? It was just my luck. And then he acted like I was nothing but a passing friend from the distant past. I pushed my key card into the door.

"Are you going to be okay?" Kylie asked. "I can come in and hang out for a while. Hell, we can have a slumber party like in high school," she said cheerfully.

"No, it's okay. Go have fun with your other friends. I just need to go to sleep."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"I love you, Len," she said as she embraced me gently.

"I love you, too, Ky."

I watched her walk down the hall. When she disappeared around the corner, I went into the room. I shut the door, and as if all the life drained out of me, I leaned on the door for support and slid to the ground. I broke down again. I hadn't felt much in years, and now I was paying for it. My shield was down, and my heart was exposed. All the hidden memories, sealed up dreams, and trapped pain that was bubbling under my skin had boiled over and created a nightmare of a mess and this time I had to be the one to clean it up.

Was this my mid-life crisis?
The
moment people talk about when they realize they've been living only half a life? It seems there were either those who had everything they could have ever wanted and then got bored, and there were those who settled for what they were given and realized one day as an adult they wanted more. That they deserved more before they died. Was this
my
moment?

Seeing Braedyn again made me realize I wanted more, but didn't I have it all minus a white picket fence? From the outside, it looked like I had it all, but on the inside, I had very little. I was empty and unfulfilled. I wanted the epic love I read about. I wanted my dreams to come true like in the movies. I wanted what I had now, but I wanted to feel it.

Right now it hurt like hell, but I had to believe it wouldn't always be this way. If I stepped out of the shadows of myself, I could one day have it all.

I spent a lot of time on the floor of my hotel room contemplating my present situation and the choices I could make, as well as second guessing decisions I had made. I didn't know if this was
the
moment, what people called the mid-life crisis moment, but I knew that my life was about to change. The lives of my husband and my children would never be the same again.

****

C
ollege Years

As I sat on the plane, I tried to focus on anything other than the possibility of what could happen between Braedyn and me. Something I had thought about for so long. I had played out the scene so many times in my head. We would be doing something silly and then we would have that moment where the world disappears and it's just us, finally, and we have the earth-shattering kiss that breaks windows and stops hearts. Just thinking about it stopped my heart and sent vibrations throughout my body. Dean and I had those moments once when things were new and innocent. Things changed so drastically after the miscarriage.
I changed.

The plane jerked as it pushed away from the tarmac headed for its short destination, Phoenix, Arizona. I hated flying, but this time was worth it. I held onto the armrests for dear life and held my breath as it picked up speed down the runway. If I squeezed my eyes closed any tighter, I would cause permanent damage to something. A hand seized mine, snapping open my eyes. It was Kylie.

"Oh my God, Kylie. What are you doing here?" I was in a state of shock.

"You really thought I was going to let you face this alone?" She winked impishly.

"I... How did you know?" I asked.

"Braedyn called me. He knows how you feel about flying, and he told me about Dean." She seemed hurt.

"I'm sorry, Ky. I was kind of hiding out. It took a lot for me to even call Braedyn."

"Don't be sorry, Len. I betrayed you, and I know I have a lot of making up to do. Consider this make up number one."

This was the most sincere moment we had since the accident. Well, since before I met Dean. I started to tear up. "I've missed you, Ky," I said as I held in the tears and leaned over and hugged her awkwardly in the seat. She had me so distracted I didn't even realize we were already leveling off in the air.

"This year has kind of sucked, huh?" she exclaimed.

"Yeah."

She grabbed two mini alcohol bottles out of her purse and handed one to me.

"To new beginnings," she smiled as she raised hers.

"To new beginnings," I responded as I threw back the bottle in one gulp. "Should I even bother asking how you got these?"

"Nope." She giggled.

Her giggle was so infectious that it started a laughing fit that left us in tears and the other passengers thinking we were crazy and a little buzzed. Maybe things would be okay after all.

The flight was short and surprisingly fun with Kylie telling me random stories to keep my mind off dying in a fiery plane crash. As we walked off the plane through the creepy tunnel into the airport, my stomach started humming with anticipation.

"Are you nervous?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Can I tell you a secret?" she whispered.

"Sure."

"I knew the first day we met Braedyn that there was something between you guys. I could see it. A connection like that can't be hidden easily."

I never told Kylie about my feelings for him. Not even now. She just knew we became close friends. He was kind of her replacement. I knew she was hurt by it, but her jealousy was unfounded after what she did to me. She accepted it quietly, though, to hold onto whatever small thread of friendship we had left.

I was about to respond when I caught sight of Braedyn. I about died like a schoolgirl seeing her boy band crush on stage for the first time. I hadn't seen him since we met. He looked the same in all his handsome beauty. It was warm out, so he was wearing a fitted surf shirt and skater cargo shorts that exposed his many leg tattoos. When he finally spotted us, his smile melted my heart. He was actually happy to see me.

I wanted to act all cool, but I couldn't. I sprinted up to him and hugged him tightly around the neck.

"Well, hello to you, too." He laughed as he squeezed back.

Kylie coughed to make herself known, so we separated like two teenagers caught in a forbidden embrace.

"Hey, Kylie. Glad you could make it, too."

"Me too. This ought to be fun. Have any cute single friends for me? Hell, I could care less if they are single."

We all started laughing as we went to recover our bags from baggage claim. Braedyn unexpectedly grabbed my hand and held it protectively throughout the airport and even during the car ride. I couldn't stop smiling. From the moment he took my hand, the words "I love you" danced on the tip of my tongue. I was in love with him, and we hadn't even kissed yet.

Kylie was such a good sport. Being the third wheel was never pleasant, and this wasn't her first time. She was definitely doing whatever it took to earn back my love and trust, and I respected her for that. I needed her more than ever now.

The drive from the airport to Braedyn's house was breathtaking. It was sunset, and the thin clouds in the sky mirrored beautiful hues of pinks and oranges across the horizon. The windows were down, and the warm breeze blowing through my hair felt amazing. I was starting to feel alive again. My soul was waking up from a deep slumber, and I was ready to embark on an adventure of a lifetime. I was free to be who I wanted to be with the past concealed in a dark pocket of my brain.

****

W
eekend

I was at the same place I was so long ago with Braedyn. A time of uncertainty and mixed emotions. Only this time he didn't give me a reason to think I was anything to him. That I was ever anything special. It hurt seeing him again, but it hurt more that he treated me like I was nothing. What we had defied the laws of gravity. We had something that couldn't be forced, manufactured, or experienced with anyone else. It was
the
epic love. The type of love that transcended death.

I finally pried myself off of the floor. I barely had enough energy to wash my face and brush my teeth, but I did. I pulled on some comfy sweats I brought instead of PJs, grabbed a blanket off the bed, and went out onto the patio. The air was getting crisp, so I snuggled up on the lounge chaise. I just wanted to stare at the stars until my eyes were so heavy that I would fall asleep immediately.

I dreaded the tossing and turning that accompanied attacks like this. They were torturous and painful. At some point, I had discovered that the blinking stars had a magical way of hypnotizing me to sleep, so this became my ritual when I faced these moments. Instead of fighting insomnia, I let it consume me until exhaustion finally set in.

So, here I was yet again. Watching the stars twinkle and the wispy clouds slowly glide across the moon by the light breeze. I had calmed down substantially, but the ache was still throbbing. I could hear the laughter of people walking around the courtyard and felt a pang of jealousy. That was supposed to be me this weekend. This was
my
girl's weekend. A time to let loose and be free and just forget who I was for a few days.

My patio view was of a deserted golf course. I liked that my room was on the back of the hotel. I liked having the privacy. I was also on the far corner, so my patio was probably the most coveted. I could sit out here all night.

"Len?"

My body stiffened as the familiar voice invaded my private sanctuary.

It was Braedyn.

I tightened the blanket around my body protectively as I made eye contact with him. I didn't know how to react. Should I be mad about earlier? Should I be mad for the past? Should I be grateful he was here? I chose to remain quiet. He took that as an invitation to sit on the chaise next to me. He didn't say anything for a few moments. He just quietly watched the stars as I was doing before he invaded my space. I couldn't help but look over at him and stare as I tried to figure out why he was here. He finally acknowledged my curiosity.

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here," he said.

"Yes, but more, why? Why are you here, Braedyn? Why are you at this hotel? Why are you sitting across from me right now? Why?"

He didn't answer right away. I'm sure he knew his answer could make or break the current situation. We were standing on a thin slate of ice and any wrong move could cause it to crack.

"To be honest, I don't know. But us being here together after all this time can't be ignored as much as we both might want to."

He was right. There were no coincidences in life. Just fate. A belief that we both shared.

"Agreed. So now what?"

"I wish I knew." He sighed as he buried his head in his hands.

This was the first sign of his emotional turmoil. A gesture that told me he did care, and I wasn't just a passing thought of the past. It scared me. We weren't twenty anymore. We weren't carefree kids. I was married with a family. I didn't know where his life was at, but I didn't need to know. "You shouldn't be here."

"I know." His voice was distant and broken.

"Then why are you?" I retorted quietly.