Tracie Peterson (22 page)

She remembered seeing Willa and Rhonda at the country club—even remembered going to her doctor’s appointment and learning about the baby. But after that, nothing fit. She couldn’t remember where she’d gone or how she’d ended up on I-25. She couldn’t remember the accident or the aftermath. She did remember waking up in the hospital and having Jack and Mattie at her side.

And then she remembered Jack telling her about the baby.

In the stillness of her plush Denver home, Ashley cried quietly for a time. It seemed tears were her constant companion these days. She cried when she woke up to realize the accident wasn’t just a bad dream, and she cried when she went to bed—unable to think of facing yet another day.

Realizing that she’d spent nearly all of her energy on tears, she wiped her eyes and tried to regroup her thoughts. Brook had called her every day, sometimes two and three times a day, and Ashley always insisted that she stay where she was and not come to see her. Ashley had lied to Brook, saying that she was fine and that while her heart was broken over the news of the baby, it wasn’t the end of the world.

So why did it feel like the end of the world?

Nothing felt right. Nothing was right.

Even the house felt foreign to her. She walked from room to room, slowly trying to regain her energy, but nothing appeared as it had before the accident. The house seemed cold, almost impersonal. She found no comfort there.

Her other sisters had tried to keep close tabs on her condition, and Ashley was grateful for their attentiveness and concern, but she had no desire to see them or to talk to them. She usually would say a few words, then ask them to get any other details from Jack. Sympathizing with her condition, they had all been gracious about it, but Ashley knew she hadn’t fooled anyone, especially Brook.

Brook could read her like a book, and Ashley knew if Brook were to come to Colorado, she would see just how emotionally empty Ashley had become.

Gingerly, she eased up out of the chair and made her way into her bedroom. She was tired of wearing a robe and nightgown, but the thought of wearing anything with a waistband made her wince. The incision from the first operation to remove her spleen was healing nicely, but the cut ran down her midsection and would be sensitive to anything tight. The doctor had assured her that she could have plastic surgery later to lessen the scar’s ugly puckering, but Ashley hadn’t concerned herself with the matter. Nothing could remove the scars inside, so why worry about those on the outside?

Pulling at the ties of her robe, Ashley slipped it off her shoulders, then discarded the nightgown as well. She caught sight of herself in the full-length mirror. Forcing herself to look, Ashley studied the changes in her body. The ugly scarring, the bruises and discoloration. It was like looking at a stranger—a very ugly stranger. No wonder Jack treated her with such kid gloves. He was probably repulsed by her. She touched the area around her right eye. The swelling had gone down and the laceration above her brow had healed. So why did her face seem so different? She shuddered and turned away.

Ashley went through her entire wardrobe before deciding on a loose pair of drawstring slacks and soft knit T-shirt. Stretching her arms upward hurt more than she’d like to admit, but she endured it nevertheless. Easing onto the side of the bed, she managed to work each leg into the pants without pulling too much on her incisions. She secured the tie just enough to keep the pants from sliding back down, then rested from her ordeal.

“I can’t just sit around and be an invalid all my life,” she announced to the empty room, frustrated not to be able to do all the things she had done before.

She heard the car pull into the drive just outside their bedroom window. Jack was back from the airport. She grimaced, remembering
how she looked. How could he stand the sight of her? Since it hurt to raise her arms, it was almost impossible to do anything with her hair. Feeling completely unattractive and responsible for the death of her baby, Ashley couldn’t imagine Jack wanting anything to do with her.

“Honey, where are you?” Jack called.

She could hear him moving through the house. “I’m in the bedroom.”

He appeared at the door and frowned. “You shouldn’t have gotten dressed without someone here to help you.”

“I can manage,” she answered. “You and all your doctor cronies have told me over and over how miraculously I’ve healed. So why not let me prove it by getting dressed on my own? It seems the least I can do.”

Jack smiled at her and came to kneel down beside her. “I don’t want you to overdo it. Yes, you’ve made great strides in your recovery. Most folks would still be in the hospital. But I want you to rest and take it easy.”

“I’m not much good to anyone sitting around on my backside.”

Jack shook his head. “That’s not true. Oh, Ash, I almost lost you. You can sit here and do nothing the rest of your life, and I’ll still feel grateful to have you here.”

Ashley looked up at him. He was so attentive, so loving. How could she ever explain her feelings? How could she continue to question his love for her?

“Look,” he continued. “I have an idea. Let’s go up to Estes. I can care for you and we can take a long weekend for the holidays.”

Ashley looked at him to gauge how serious he was about the suggestion. He seemed to be genuinely excited about the prospect, and so she nodded. “If you think I won’t be overdoing it.”

He laughed. “I won’t let you overdo it. Now you tell me what you’ll need and I’ll pack it all up.”

Within two hours they were headed north. Jack had announced the need to stop by his office before they left, and Ashley gave it little thought. In deference to what Ashley had been through, Jack even
stayed off I-25 and took the side streets to the clinic. He was helping her in every possible way. If only she could somehow help herself.

Ashley watched the traffic indifferently. She had thought she might be terrified to get back into a car, but there hadn’t been any feelings of panic or fear. Her own car had been totaled, and Jack had arranged for it to be hauled off so that she would never have to see it. He had told her a bit about it—how the entire roof had collapsed and the front end had mashed back toward the front seat. She had been wedged between the dash and the front seat, Jack had told her, and because she had forgotten her seat belt, she was lucky to be alive. But was she lucky?

She chased off such thoughts as Jack pulled into the clinic parking lot. For a moment a scene of déjà vu flashed before her eyes. She shook her head. It was silly, she told herself. I’ve pulled into this parking lot a hundred times. I would naturally remember it. But it seemed to be something more than that.

“You stay put,” Jack told her as he got out of the car. “I’ll be right back.”

She nodded and watched him walk up the drive. “Jack!” she called out almost against her will. Something felt fearfully wrong.

He turned and called to her. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” she replied.

“I can’t hear you, sweetheart,” he said, leaning his hands on the hood. “Did you want something?”

Ashley saw him standing there and again that feeling of having lived through the scene washed over her. She shook her head and Jack smiled. He took this as his cue that everything was all right and headed inside.

Licking her dry lips, Ashley struggled for a moment with a flickering memory.
I’m being silly
, she said to herself and eased back against the leather upholstery of Jack’s Bronco. Still, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself to relax, the feeling stayed with her. Even after Jack returned.

“Shall we go by way of Highway 36?” he asked, throwing some things
into the backseat.

“That sounds good,” she whispered.

“I know you like Big Thompson Canyon, but I think all the twisting and turning might rub you sore. Not that Highway 36 is devoid of those places, but it shouldn’t be quite as rough.” Ashley nodded as he maneuvered the car down the road.

She couldn’t think of anything to say, and so she stared out the window at the passing scenery. As they began the climb upward into the Rockies, she tried to focus on the landscape. Wild flowers bloomed along the road, and the sun reflected against the snowcapped mountains like glitter sprinkled there by a child. She thought of a Mother’s Day card Zach had picked out for her with just such glitter.

“I wish you would talk to me,” Jack said out of the clear blue. She turned and looked at him. “I know you’re hurting,” he continued. “I just wish you wouldn’t shut me out.”

Ashley looked away and studied the road ahead. “There’s nothing to say. I can’t remember the accident, and I don’t want to dwell on the aftermath.”

“You mean the baby?”

Ashley felt a tightness in her chest. “Yes . . . the baby.” She couldn’t explain it, but she simply could not bring herself to share her feelings or fears over her loss.

Jack said nothing more until they reached Estes. He was angry, or at least she supposed he was. He didn’t really look mad, but he seemed impatient to arrive. Ashley felt bad. He was trying so hard with her and she continued to push him away.

They drove through Estes and took the north bypass, where they turned onto Devil’s Gulch Road. Winding through the trees, past McGreggor’s Ranch, they finally reached their summer home away from home. Jack turned into the long drive and once he’d circled the path to back in, Ashley had a magnificent view of the towering peaks of Rocky Mountain National Park. The view was inspiring. This had been the reason they had purchased the property from one
of Jack’s friends. The former owners, an aging doctor and his wife, had decided that warmer climates and lower altitudes were their calling, and because Jack had voiced interest after sharing their hospitality one week several years ago, they had offered their place to Jack and Ashley first.

Waiting for Jack to help her from the elevated Bronco, Ashley remembered the peaceful feeling she’d known when she’d first come here. Would it be possible to feel that way again?

After helping Ashley inside the cabin, Jack retrieved their things and took them to the bedroom, placing them where Ashley could get to them without having to lift anything.

“I think this was one of the best decisions we ever made,” Jack said. He emerged from the bedroom with a smile on his face. “I think the mountain air will do you good.”

Ashley could still denote a touch of sadness in his voice. Sadness that she had put there. “I hope so,” she managed to say.

She glanced around the living room at the sparse furnishings. She had planned to spend most of the summer redecorating and finding special furniture for the place. The knotty pine interior was very rustic, and combined with the native stone fireplace and vaulted ceilings, Ashley had imagined all sorts of neat combinations to accentuate the features.

“What are you thinking about?” Jack asked, coming up from behind her.

“I was just remembering all the work I had planned for the place this summer,” Ashley replied. “You know, buying furniture, redecorating, and such.”

“So why not go forward with that idea? I can get you a bunch of catalogs and samples and you can sit here and quietly plot and plan to your heart’s content. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

She turned and looked at him for a moment. He was trying so hard to please her. She nodded. How could she do otherwise?

He reached out to touch her cheek. Without meaning to, Ashley recoiled, and his expression revealed the hurt he felt at her rejection.
“I’m sorry, Jack. I’m just so jumpy.” She reached out and took hold of his hand and put it up to her face. It didn’t feel right, but she wasn’t going to say a word.

He smiled again. “I understand. Look, I’m going to run to town and see what I can dig up for you in terms of decorating equipment. I’ll pick up the groceries as well—and hey, how about a movie? I could rent a video.”

Ashley forced a smile. “Sounds good.”

He gathered up his keys and bounded out of the house, whistling a tune. Ashley sighed and made her way to the nearest chair.

“What’s wrong with me?” she questioned, ignoring the tenderness in her stomach. She buried her face in her hands and tried to settle her nerves. “I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

Unable to cope with the soreness and her emotions, Ashley went to the bedroom and climbed into bed fully clothed. She pulled a pillow over her stomach and held it tight. They had advised this in the hospital, telling her it would help with the pain. It did, but only slightly. The mounded bulge of the pillow only served to remind her of the flatness of her own abdomen.
There should be a baby in there
, she thought sadly. Warm tears trickled down her face and slid into her ears. The discomfort was nothing compared to her aching heart.

She ran her hand over the pillow, pretending for just a moment that she was still pregnant. She remembered the first time she had felt John kick in her womb. She thought of the wild antics Zachary used to perform inside her. She had teased that he would no doubt be an acrobat.

“It’s not fair!” she cried out, clutching the pillow tight. “My baby is gone. My baby is dead!” She threw the pillow across the room and curled up on her side. “Oh, God, help me. I can’t bear this pain. I just can’t.”

Chapter 19