Trying to Survive (The Kiser #1) (2 page)

    
“Can I ask you something personal?”
 
Not caring how embarrassed I might be, I would tell him anything at this
point.

    
“You can ask me anything.”
 
I said
honestly.

    
“How long did you date him before you two had sex?
 
I mean I know you did because you got
pregnant, but…”
 
Shit!
 
I was use to embarrassing him but this really
was personal.
You can do this.
 
You can do this.
 
I chanted in my head.

    
“It’s okay Austin.”
 
Exhaling
slowly, I gathered my thoughts.
 
“We dated
for a year before we had sex but I knew I loved him the first time we
kissed.
 
I know that sounds crazy but
it’s true.
 
We were at another dance and
when he kissed me, I got butterflies in my stomach and everyone in the room
disappeared.
 
I had kissed a few boys
before but none of them made me feel that way.”
 
I knew this would be hard but I never thought I’d be sitting here
talking about
my
sex life with my
son.

    
“So you were sixteen the first time.”
 
He mused.
 
“And you must have gotten
pregnant soon after.”
 
I could tell he
was thinking so I sat silently and waited.
 
“Did you know that you probably couldn’t have kids?”
 
That wasn’t what I expected.

    
“I didn’t have a clue and I had no reason to think I couldn’t at the
time.
 
I guess I just got lucky.”
 
I gave him my best smile because I did feel
lucky.

    
“Yeah right, I’m sure that’s what you thought at the time when you were
in school and pregnant.
 
So then what
happened?”

    
“Okay, so maybe I didn’t feel so lucky then but that was because I was
so scared.”
 
He laughed.
 
“But I did love you instantly and we decided
to get married as soon as we graduated.
 
We had already talked about getting married eventually, so when you came
along we just moved up the timetable.
 
Grandma and Grandpa took it well and I knew they would help us.”

    
“What about
mamaw
and papaw?”

    
“Now his parents didn’t take it well at all but we knew they wouldn’t.
 
They worried more about what everyone would
think of them so they didn’t tell anyone.
 
At graduation, I was only four months along and you couldn’t even tell I
was pregnant.
 
Graysen joined the
military.
 
We got married two weeks later
and then moved away.”

    
“Did dad know that you were sick before you got married?”
 
Tears came to my eyes.
 
I tried to stop them but one escaped
anyway.
 
“I’m sorry mom.
 
I shouldn’t have asked.”

    
“No, no, It’s okay honey.
 
Really.
 
I don’t know if he did or not because we
really never talked about it.
 
He knew
that I was sick a lot growing up and that I got sick very easily but that was
it.
 
When we moved away, my new doctor didn’t
like the fact that I got sick so often and decided to send me to a specialty
hospital.
 
That’s where I was diagnosed.
 
Later, when I got really sick I always felt
bad you know?
 
Like Graysen deserved a
better wife, one that didn’t get tired so easily, someone who was healthy.”

    
“Stop that!”
  
He admonished.
 
I saw his eyes glisten and instantly regretted
being so honest.
 
“Dad loved you no
matter what.
 
I’ve seen my friends’
parents and none of them act half as in love as you and dad did.”

    
“Thanks.
 
When you love someone,
you want the best for them.
 
But
sometimes I felt more like a burden.”
 
I
thought back to all the times I’d been in the hospital and left Graysen with Austin
at the house.
  
He took care of him; made
sure the house stayed clean, and stayed with me all that he could.
 
He sometimes wore himself out running back and
forth. I always felt guilty for not being able to be the wife I wanted to be,
the wife he deserved.
 
Always running out
of energy and being so tired even when I wasn’t sick.
 
Looking back at Austin, “Is there anything
else you want to know?”
 
I asked,
smiling.

    
“I can’t think of anything right now.”

    
“Good, I have a question for you then.”

    
“Okay.”
 
He said slowly.
 
I could see the dread in his eyes.

   
 
“We talked about my first time so…
have you had sex before?”
 
He turned
blood red.

    
“I am not talking to you about this!”
 
I saw the urge to flee in his eyes and I almost laughed.

    
“Not saying
no
means
yes
.”
 
Shaking his head with his eyes closed as if he was trying to erase the
last sixty seconds of his life.

 
 
 
 
“Can we
talk about it later cause I think I need to get ready for the football
game.”
 
He said while still looking down,
but now smiling, and it made me glad that we talked.

    
“Of course honey, anytime you want.”
 
I stood at the same time he did.

    
“Thanks mom.
 
I love you.”
 
He hugged me and my heart warmed.
 
He looked and acted so much like my Graysen.
 
I only wish he could have seen him now, so
grown up and such a good man and son.

    
“I love you too honey, now go get ready and have a good time tonight.”
 
He walked away, “And don’t forget the condoms,
but don’t have sex!”
 
I called to him as
he walked down the hall shaking his head again. I didn’t tell him that I
already had plans.

    
Placing new flowers on the freshly mowed plot, I laid down beside Graysen’s
grave.
 
“Hi sweetheart.
 
A lot has happened that I wanted to tell you
about.
 
Austin is in his senior year and
misses you like crazy.
 
He just turned
eighteen and has a date tonight.
 
I
haven’t met any of the girls yet so maybe that means he isn’t serious about
one. I still can’t help embarrassing him.”
 
I laughed a little just thinking about it.
 
“You would be so proud of him Graysen.
 
He reminds me of you at that age, your looks
and your mannerisms.”
 
Sighing, I laid
down on the ground beside him.
 
“I miss
you so much sweetheart.
 
I can’t believe
you’ve been gone for two years.”
 
I wiped
the tears from my eyes.
 
“They sentenced
the guy that hit you that night, but I don’t know exactly what happened.
 
Mom said he got five years but I didn’t
attend the hearing.
 
I hope you
understand.
 
The only way I can be a good
mom is not to dwell on the drunk driver.
 
Austin needs me, but without him, I would have joined you.
 
Life is so unfair.”
 
I just laid next to his grave, next to my
soul mate.
 
I missed him so much every
day that sometimes it was almost unbearable.
 
I would never let Austin know that though.
 

    
Two hours later, I knew I needed to get up.
 
The wind was nipping at me and the last thing
I needed was to be sick…again.
 
With Thanksgiving
just around the corner, I didn’t want to be in the hospital.
 
The one thing I always told myself to make me
feel better was that no matter how bad I felt there was always someone out
there that felt worse.

    
Pushing up from the ground, I rubbed his headstone.
 
“I need to go home sweetheart.
 
I love you and miss you every…single…day!
 
I’ll see you soon.”
 
I got to my feet and headed toward my
car.
 
It wasn’t fancy, just a Subaru
Outback.
 
He bought it for me before he
passed because the winters could be hard.
 
I lived on a dirt road in Southwest Virginia with trees surrounding our
three-bedroom ranch house.
 
We had bees
to make honey because he read it was really good for my immune system.
 
Graysen always tried anything he could to
make sure I was healthy and it only made me love him more.

    
Driving home, I needed to get my mind in a better place before Austin
arrived.
 
I didn’t want him to think that
the first time he left me alone for a date that I fell apart.
 
He needed to go to college, just live and
make something out of himself.
 
He was
very smart, always making straight A’s.
 
He was also musically talented like his dad and had been taking guitar
lessons for four years.
 
The last thing I
wanted to do was hold him back.

    
Arriving home, I poured myself a glass of wine and curled up on the
couch with a blanket and a book.
 
I loved
reading so I would use that to pass the time until Austin came home.
 
Even though he’s eighteen, I stilled worried
about him.
 
A drunk driver killed Graysen
and I just needed to know that he was home safely before I could rest.

    
A little after midnight I heard the front door.
 
Austin quietly let himself in and after
hanging the keys up; he walked in to the living room.
 
“Hey mom I’m home.”
 
He came over and took a seat on the other end
of our cream-colored leather couch.
 
Looking at him sitting there, I couldn’t help but be proud.
 
He was six-feet-two and weighed around
200lbs.
 
He had started working out last
year and it showed.

    
“Did you have a good time?”
 
I
asked, putting my book down.

    
“I did.”
 
He grinned.

    
Laughing, I said, “I can tell by the look on your face that I don’t want
any details.”
 
He laughed aloud.
 
“I think I’m going to go to bed.
 
I’m glad your home honey.”
 
Standing, I kissed his forehead and headed to
my bedroom.

    
“Goodnight mom.
 
See
ya
in the morning.”
 
He called out.

    
The next morning Austin found me in the kitchen sitting at the bar
sipping on my coffee. I smiled as he walked through still rubbing the sleep
from his eyes.
 
“Morning.
 
Sleep well?”
 
I almost laughed at his disheveled look.
 
I don’t know what he did last night but I assumed he thought about Kaitlyn
all night and hadn’t slept much.

    
“Not really.”
 
He grinned.
 
“What do have planned for today?”
 
He asked while grabbing his own coffee.

    
“Nothing really, why?”
 
I watched
him as he came over and sat down at the breakfast bar beside me.

    
“Let’s go fishing.”
 
That came out
of nowhere.
 
“Like we use to.”
 
When Graysen was alive, we would take our
one-man pontoon boats and float the river.
 
I loved it.
 
We had…well
have
three of them but after Graysen
died, we quit going.
 

    
“Ok, but we may have to buy more fishing rods.
 
Let me do all my morning meds and we’ll
go.
 
We can stop by Walmart and buy what
we don’t have.”
 
His beaming smile warmed
my heart.

    
“Good.
 
While you get ready, I’ll
go load the boats and see what we need.”
 
We finished our coffee and then went our separate ways.

    
Austin had the boats loaded on top of the Subaru. What fishing supplies
we had were in the back along with his bicycle.
 
We stopped by the store and picked up two new rods along with hooks,
sinkers and a container of night crawlers.
 
We were set!

    
We chained Austin’s bike to a tree where our float would end so he could
ride up the road and get the car when it was over.
 
Driving on down the road, we found our
familiar spot and unloaded the boats.
 
After readying our supplies, we were on the river with fishing poles in
hand.

    
“Thanks mom.”
 
He said solemnly
and without looking at me.

    
“You’re welcome.”

    
 
Floating the river was a great
idea.
 
Being on the river had a calming
affect for both of us.
 
It made us think
of Graysen, but instead of internalizing it, we talked about him a lot.
 
I never realized the depth of which his death
affected Austin.
 
I knew he took it hard
but it’s easy to get caught up in your own grief.
 
Once again, I felt thankful that we both went
to counseling and had such a close relationship.