Trying to Survive (The Kiser #1) (18 page)

****

    
Oh my God!
 
Oh my God!
 
I’m freaking out!
 
Calm down Lana,
come on.
 
He’s just a man.
 
A tall muscular sexy man that makes my core
wet just talking to him.
 
Oh God!
  
Trying to slow my breathing and my pounding
heart just so I can talk to him, I finally tell him how hard it is for me.
 
I’ve never dated, not really.
 
In high school, there are rules.
 
My mom and dad would let me go out or not, I
had to have permission.
 
This was
different and it was scary and exciting.
 
The things his voice alone could do to me.
 
I told him I would try, because I want to
try.

    
Thinking of him, I started laughing.
 
“If we are going to date, I need to know something.”

    
He smiled, “Anything.”

    
“What’s your last name?
 
I don’t
think I can tell people I’m dating Colin and no I don’t know his last name, but
we’re dating.”
 
I laughed again, until I
saw the hesitation in his eyes, and then all the humor left me.

    
“Withers.”
 
He said and I
frowned.
 
Why didn’t he want to tell
me?
 
“It’s Colin Withers.”

    
“Well, it’s nice to meet you Colin Withers.”
 
I said smiling at him.
 
“Shall we head to The Old Mill now?
”
 
He
looked confused until his eyes cleared with some type of understanding and a
huge smile broke out.

    
“Let’s go.”
 
He said as he took my
hand.

    
Grabbing my purse and keys, hand and hand we made our way outside.
 
“A jaguar, really?
 
I bet you cringed when you drove that thing
up the graveled drive.”
  
He just looked
at me from the corner of his eye and grinned.

    
The Old Mill was packed tonight as we weaved our way through the crowd
and found a corner booth with a great view of the stage.
 
I slid in and Colin followed so we sat side
by side.
 
Within minutes, the guys took
the stage again and as Austin started to sing, pride swelled within me.
 
He was a great singer and a great guitarist.
 
“He’s good.”
 
Colin said as he nodded to the stage.

    
“Thank you.
 
That’s my Austin
singing.”
 
Austin commanded the stage
like it was his, and for tonight, it was.

    
“Really, that’s Austin?”
 
He asked
surprised.
 

  
  
“Yep, that’s my son.”
 
About that time, Austin’s eyes swept across
us, and then immediately returned as recognition registered.
 
They focused on Colin as he scrutinized him
from the stage.
 
I watched Austin and
Colin have some sort of weird conversation with only their eyes until Austin
focused on the crowd once again.

    
“I’m not sure he likes me being here with you.”
 
Colin said as he took my hand and smiled at
me.

    
“He’s very protective.
 
When
Graysen passed away, Austin always felt the need to take care of me.”
 

    
Colin put his arm around me and pulled me close as we watched the rest
of the set.
 
I tried to concentrate on
Austin, but sitting here with Colin, I couldn’t think.
 
How did he do this to me?
 
Before I could clear the fog of desire from
my head and body, Austin slid in the booth on the opposite side.

****

    
I never thought her son would look so much like a man.
 
I knew he was eighteen, but I pictured a
gangly teenager, not a tall muscular man that looked like he worked out
regularly.
 
A man that looked as if he
could hold his own in a fight.
 
As he
slid in opposite us, his eyes narrowed on me.
 
I took it for what it was, a warning.
 
A warning not to hurt his mother.

    
“That was great honey!”
 
Carlana
said with pride beaming in her voice.
 
I noticed when he turned his eyes away from
me to look at her; I could see them turn soft with love.

    
“
Thank’s
mom.
 
I was nervous at first, but after the first song it just felt great to
be up there.”
 
He turned his gaze back to
me.

    
“Austin, this is Colin, Colin this is Austin.”
 
I offered him a handshake, and he answered it
with a firm, almost painful grip.
 
I just
smiled.

    
“Nice to meet you Austin, your mother has told me so much about you.”

    
“Really?
 
Because I don’t hardly
know anything about you.”
 
His voice was
hard.

    
“Austin!
 
Don’t be rude!”
 
Carlana
said with a
chastised voice.

    
“Sorry mom, but I don’t.”
 
His
apology didn’t sound sincere at all.

    
“He’s here visiting for a while, so we can both get to know him better
and he can get to know us.”
 
She smiled,
but he didn’t return it.

    
“Can I talk to you in private?”
 
She nodded, I moved to let her out, and they walked away.
 
I could still see them and it looked as if
they were having a spirited discussion.
 
Austin walked away as she turned back toward me and smiled, but I could
see the sadness in her eyes.

    
“Everything alright?”
 
I felt bad
for causing problems between them.
 

    
“Yep.”
 
I could tell her mood had
definitely changed.
 
“Let’s get out of
here.”
 
We walked hand and hand with our
fingers intertwined as we headed to the car.
 
On the drive back to her place, she just stared out the window.

****

    
I can’t believe how rude Austin was or that he talked to me the way he
did.
 
When he asked if he could talk to
me in private, I could only nod.
 
I
didn’t want Colin to hear what he had to say.
 
It was already obvious that Austin didn’t like him being here.
 
I kept replaying the conversation over and
over in my head.
 
“Do you have to be so rude?”
 
I
asked him in my mother voice.

    
“I don’t like him being here.
 
You don’t know anything about him, hell you
don’t even know his last name unless he’s told you today.
 
He could be a murderer, a thief…
anything!
 
Maybe he’s a scam artist, ever
think of that?”
 
I knew he’s just trying
to protect me but I’m his mother dammit and I can take care of myself.

    
“I like him Austin.
 
I want to get to know him.
 
Please try to be nice.”
 
I saw the color drain from his face and he
just turned and walked away.
 
He just
walked away without saying a word and it hurt.
 
Really hurt.
 
In that moment, I
felt defeated.
 
I wanted to go home.
 
I wanted to cover up from head to toe in my
bed, and I wanted Graysen.

    
A stray tear slipped down my face and I angrily swiped it away.
 
I did not want Colin to see me cry.
 
I could feel my chest tightening up and I
started to cough which made me even angrier.
 
Life was not fair!
 

    
“Are you okay?”
 
He asked and all
I could think was
No, I’m not!
 
My husband was killed by a fucking drunk
driver, my son is mad at me for trying to move on and now I’m coughing because
I have a fucking lung disease.
 
I. AM.
NOT. ALRIGHT!

    
“Yeah, I’m fine.
 
I’m just
tired.”
 
Pulling in to the driveway, I
turned to him.
 
“Thank you for this
evening.”
 
I needed to be alone
tonight.
 
“How long are you staying in
town?”

    
“I’m not really sure.”
 
He gave me
a sad smile then pulled me to him.
 
“I’m
sorry about what happened with Austin.
 
Are you sure you’re alright?”
 
I sobbed in to his shoulder.
 
I hated myself for doing it, but I couldn’t
hold it in any longer.
 
I’ve never been
good with hiding my emotions.

    
“No I’m not, but I will be.”
 
I
pulled back so I could look into his eyes.
 
“I just need to be alone tonight.
 
I’m sorry.
 
Please understand.”

    
He leaned forward and gave me a gentle, loving kiss before embracing me
again.
 
It felt wonderful to lean on
someone again.
 
I may have just met him
today, but he’s been the one I’ve talked to for the last two months.
 
“I understand.
 
I’m staying at a hotel twenty minutes down
the road.
 
How about I come by at 10am
and help you get things ready for the graduation party?”

    
“I’d like that.”
 
I gave him a
half smile before getting out.

    
Walking into the dark house, I could feel the emptiness surround
me.
 
Is this what I had to look forward
to when Austin left for college?
 
That’s
an easy one to answer.
 
I pulled out my
nebulizer so I could start my nightly regimen and get it over with.

    
Two hours and three glasses of wine later I had taken a hot bath,
dressed for bed, and was sitting here waiting on Austin to come home.
 
Midnight came, then 1 am and Austin still
wasn’t here.
 
I kept calling his phone
but he never would answer.
 
I paced, I
cried and I kept calling.
 
By 2:30 I felt
defeated… again.
 
I laid down on the
couch and cried like I did right after Graysen died, all the while praying that
Austin was okay.
 
Eventually I must have
fallen asleep.

    
“Mom, are you alright?”
 
When
Austin touched my shoulder, I opened my swollen eyes.
 
He was still dressed in the same clothes he
wore the night before.
 
The sun was
shining through the window so it was morning.

    
“What time is it?”
 
I asked while
sitting up.

    
“It’s 8.”
 
I looked at him and as
relieved as I was to see him, anger filled me.
 
How could he have done this to me?
 
I would never, and I mean never let him worry like that.
 
I stood up, stretching my aching muscles and
headed for the coffee pot.
 
“Are you
okay?”
 
He asked again, but I ignored
him.
 
I was too angry to talk right
now.
 
I had just spent one of the worse
nights I’d ever had on the couch, but he didn’t give a shit!
 
If he did, he would have called, or answered
my calls.

    
“Mom, talk to me.”
 
He followed
along behind me.
 
When I didn’t answer,
he tried again.
 
“Mom please talk to
me.
 
I’m sorry I was out all night.”
 
I made my coffee, when I turned around my
eyes met his, and the tears, the ones I thought had all came out last night,
flowed freely down my face.
 
His face
fell and he looked devastated.
 
Walking
past him, I went to my bedroom and shut the door.
 
After Graysen died, I always had Austin.
 
But right now, I felt truly and utterly
alone.