Trying to Survive (The Kiser #1) (14 page)

 
   
“Yes, she is.”
 
He still chuckled.
 
“Matt’s mother Maggie helped raise me, and
even though I wasn’t close to her, I could always see the love she had for her
husband.
 
I never once thought I’d marry
or have kids, but if I did, I want what she had.”

  
  
“If she raised you, then why
wasn’t you close to her?”
 
Curiosity rang
in my voice.

    
“Mother got rid of every nanny that I got close to.
 
I like Maggie, but I loved playing with her
son, so I kept my distance.”

    
“I see.
 
Well marrying for love is
always best.
 
I couldn’t imagine having
to live with someone every day and not loving them, maybe not even liking
them.
 
Talk about a miserable life.”
 
I couldn’t imagine what his parents were
like.
 
Mine were loving and supportive,
the way they’re supposed to be, the way I want to be with Austin.

    
“I agree.
 
It’s never a
comfortable feeling to visit with them.
 
They feel almost like strangers.”
 
I could tell it was hard for him to admit this to me.
 
Every kid seeks their parents approval, well
almost every kid.

    
“I’m sorry it was like that growing up, but look at the bright side.”

    
“There’s a bright side?”
 
Amusement clear in his voice.

    
“Yes.
 
If they weren’t like they
are, then you wouldn’t be you.
 
Maggie
wouldn’t have influenced your life and Matt wouldn’t be your best friend.”

    
“Huh, I never thought of it that way before.”

    
Making my way to the kitchen the next morning, Austin was sitting there
eating breakfast.
 
At least he had the
coffee ready.
 
Exhausted!
 
That was the only word that would describe me
right now.
 
I stayed on the phone with
Colin for 2 hours last night and I’m paying for it this morning.
 
“You look like shit.
 
Bad night?”
 
After pouring my coffee, I turned to see Austin looking at me while
eating toast and drinking his own.

    
“Thanks.”
 
I muttered.
 
“I slept fine, just not enough.”
 
I placed two pieces of toast in the toaster, and
then grabbed a knife and strawberry jelly from the fridge.
 

    
“Why not?
 
You went to bed before
me.”
 
I didn’t like his accessing gaze.

    
Gathering my toast and jelly, I made my way to the chair next to
his.
 
“Colin called last night and woke
me up.
 
I was on the phone for too
long.”
  
I glanced at Austin from the
corner of my eye, but he seemed… not as affected this time.

    
“How long did you talk to him?”
 
He took a sip of coffee.

    
“Over two hours.”

    
“Wow.
 
I don’t know what else to
say.”

    
“Yeah, I know.
 
I enjoyed talking
to him, however, I’m exhausted and after I eat I think I’ll go lay back down
for a while.”

    
“Good idea.
 
I
gotta
go or I’m
gonna
be late for school.
 
See
ya
later
mom.
 
Love you.”
 
He kissed my cheek and headed out the door.

He
Called Again!

 
 
What is that noise again?
 
Finding my way out of dream world, I realized
that my phone is ringing yet again.
 
Glancing at the clock, I had only been asleep
for an hour.
 
It was 11:30 am.
 
“Hello?”
 
I answered, already knowing it was Colin.
 
His number was now familiar to me.

    
“
Carlana
, did I wake you again?”
 
He sounded puzzled.
 
Probably wondering why I sleep all the damn
time.
 
I chuckled to myself at that
thought.

    
“Well I have to sleep sometime.
 
If you’re not
gonna
let me sleep at night, I
figured I might as well sleep of morning.”

    
“Sorry about that.
 
I’ll try to be
more mindful of the time.
 
Anyway, I was
calling to tell you that I had my meeting with Ellis today and you were
right!
 
I just told him what my parents
were up too, and he was more than happy to help.
 
It will take me about a month to get things
changed and set up before I can let them know, but I feel like I’ve won a huge
battle.”

    
“That’s wonderful news Colin!”

    
“It is, and I just wanted to call and let you know.
 
I have to get back to work; I have a meeting
in thirty minutes.
 
Is it okay to call
you tonight?”

    
My heart pounded against my ribcage as though it was trying to
escape.
 
My ears felt hot and my
breathing increased.
 
“Yes, you can call
me.
 
I really enjoyed talking to you last
night.”

    
“Good.
 
I’ll call you sometime
after nine.
 
Bye
Carlana
.”

    
“Bye Colin.”

    
I stumbled out of bed knowing there was no way I could sleep now.
 
My heart still pounded and my mind was
racing.
 
I really liked talking to him,
at least after that first conversation we had.
 
His voice alone made my core wet almost instantly.
 
I have never felt desire like this, even when
I was with Graysen, and that just opened up a whole new can of emotions.
 
The biggest one, gilt!
 
How can I feel this overwhelming need for a
man I’ve never met, when I never felt that for my husband.
 
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love and loved Graysen
with all my heart but Colin’s voice makes me feel desire.
 
It’s been two years since I have had sex or
used a vibrator and now I was paying for it.
 
I needed to make a decision.
 
Did
I want to keep talking to Colin knowing how his voice alone makes me feel, or
was I betraying Graysen.
 
He will
probably reject me anyway if he knew I had a chronic illness, which I have yet
to tell him.
 
I need to think.
 
I needed to talk to Megan!

    
“Girl, it’s been a long week.
 
I’m
glad we can go out again.
 
Austin have a
date tonight?”
 
I met Megan at a park and
ride so we could go dress shopping again.
 

    
“No, he said he was jamming with the guys.
 
You should hear him play the guitar now; he’s
amazing on that thing.
 
I catch him
singing sometimes and I know he has a real talent. Can we pull over at the gas
station so I can buy some gum? It always helps me not to cough for some
reason.”

    
“Sure,” She pulled in to the parking lot and went inside.

    
“Thanks.”
 
I grabbed a pack and went
to pay.

    
“No problem.”
 
She picked up the
magazine at the checkout counter.
 
“I
swear that is the sexiest man I have ever seen.
 
Mm!
 
I could just eat him up.”

    
“What are you talking about?”
 
She
turned the magazine around so I could see the cover and I was shocked in to
silence.
 
His gaze felt like he could
actually see me, and he looked familiar, as if I had met him before.
 
His deep blue eyes were striking. Shaking the
feeling off, “He is handsome.
 
She’s a
lucky girl.”

    
Megan snorted, “Yeah right. He has a different girl on every cover.
 
I’ve never seen him with the same girl.
 
It says here that he was seen leaving Club
Jade with her last Saturday night.
 
I bet
they had fun.”
 
She wiggled her eyebrows
and I couldn’t help but laugh.

    
“Put that trash back, it’s probably not even true.”
 
I said while paying for my gum.

    
“Whatever.”
 
She put the magazine
back in the rack.

    
Climbing into the passenger’s seat, I couldn’t wait to talk to her about
Colin.
 
I needed her advice.
 
Taking a deep breath, I casually said, “You
know that guy that texted me last week?”

    
“Yeah, what about him?
 
Wait!
 
Is he still texting you?”
 
She asked excitedly.

    
“No,” I laughed, “He’s calling me.”

    
“Shut Up!”
 
I started belly
laughing at her.
 
I couldn’t help
it.
 
She was like a kid in a candy store.
 
“How often?”

    
“He called last Friday Night, and then again Wednesday, and every night
since.”

    
“Wow.
 
What do you think of him?”
 
My laughter faded and a worried expression
took its place.

    
“I kind of wanted to talk to you about it.
 
I really don’t know what to do.”
 
I started fidgeting, knowing that this would
be hard.
 
How can you say that he does
things with his voice alone, that your husband never did in sixteen years?
 

    
“What do you mean?”
 
I could hear
the concern in her voice.

    
“At first he was an asshole, but when we got past that, he seems
nice.
 
Hearing his voice just does
something to me on the inside and when he calls it’s like I’m giddy or
something.
 
I get excited when I see his
number show up on the ID, but then later I feel guilty.
 
After I feel guilty for a while, I tell
myself that I need to end this phone relationship before I get hurt.”
 
Letting out the breath I was unintentionally
holding, I waited for her to tell me to end it, or get over it, heck I didn’t
know what she’d say.

    
“There is so much wrong with what you just said, but I’m going to start
with the guilty part first.
 
Why do you
feel that way?”

    
Huffing out a breath, “Because I feel like I’m betraying Graysen
somehow.
 
If he was the love of my life,
then how can just hearing someone’s voice make me feel such desire?
 
I don’t ever remember feeling this way before
and I feel… guilty.
 
Oh God!
 
Please don’t tell anyone I admitted this to
you!”
 
Tears came to my eyes, but I
quickly hid them from her.
 
I did NOT
want her to feel sorry for me, and my tears would definitely make her feel that
way.

    
She gave me the death glare.
 
“Do
I ever tell any of your secrets?”
 
I
shook my head
no
.
 
“Let me ask you something.
 
If you had of died two years ago and Graysen
was alive, would you want him to be single and alone the rest of his life?
 
You’re only thirty-five and that’s a long
time.”

    
“Of course not, I’d want him to be happy!”
 
How could she even think I’d want Graysen to
live alone!!

    
“And he would want you to be happy.
 
Maybe you didn’t feel that heart pounding love for Graysen because the
two of you were just kids, and maybe you did feel it and over time you just
don’t remember.
 
Now for the other part,
why do you automatically think he’ll reject you?”

    
“Because of my lungs.
 
Nobody
would want someone that was sick a lot.
 
I have just always known that I would be alone for the rest of my life
so I was never looking for anyone, and besides, it was too soon.”

    
“I call bullshit!”
 
I couldn’t
help but look at her with a question on my face.
 

    
“What are you talking about?”

    
“Bullshit!
 
We are both
thirty-five years old, and as a divorced woman let me tell you that if I found
a guy that made my heart pound with just the sound of his voice, I wouldn’t care
if he had some type of illness, one leg, anything.
 
Do you know how rare it is to find someone like
that?
 
Of course you don’t, you’ve never
really dated.
 
I would take a handsome,
nice
man that made my heart pound and
treated me like a princess no matter what was wrong with him over a healthy
asshole any day.
 
You have to let this
play out, not chicken out.
 
Give him a
chance.”

    
I started giggling, I couldn’t help it.
 
“Feel better now?”
 
I asked and
she just grinned at me.

    
“Sorry, that was a bit of a rant wasn’t it.”
 
Megan married Thomas, a guy she met in
college.
 
It only lasted five years
before she finally kicked him out.
 
He
cheated on her multiple times and until recently, she always took him
back.
 
She was a one-woman man and
preferred being in a relationship over playing the field.
 
She’s dated off and on but she hadn’t found
anyone she cared for since.

    
“That’s okay.
 
Thanks for
listening, and the advice.”
 

    
“Anytime.”
 
She said as we pulled
into the mall parking lot.

    
Megan really helped me put things in to perspective.
 
I did want to get to know Collin.
 
He sounded like he had a hard life, at least
where his parents were concerned.
 
I was
bothered by the fact that he wouldn’t tell me anything about himself but I
guess he has his reasons, at least I hope so.
 
I”ll
admit, at least to myself, that thoughts
of him took up most of my time and I looked forward to his calls at night.