Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries) (14 page)

Yesterday when I woke up I could not believe what I had done. It didn’t feel real. It was like some thriller I had seen the night before. No way I actually starred in it! But one look at my scraped hands proved I was wrong. In the shower, as I was wondering why I did it and thanking god I didn’t get busted, I looked down and saw that my period had started. No wonder! How did I not figure that out? It was the hormones, baby!

There was only one thing that never occurred to me. Once upon a time I gave Dan a photograph of me as a present. It was from when my mom took me to Puerto Rico on vacation. I was wearing a bikini and posing like a beach bunny. When I gave it to Dan he grinned and said “If you weren’t jailbait, I’d frame this.” He gave it back. It really hurt my feelings so when it was time for me to go, I secretly slipped it into one of his photo albums. What I didn’t know was that a few weeks later he and Martine were looking through the album together and she found the photo. She asked who it was. Dan panicked for a sec, then said it was his second cousin Fiona from Oregon.

How do I know this? you ask. Because when I was driving to work yesterday Dan called me screaming. I wasn’t even
sure it was him at first he sounded so different. He called me a psychotic bitch and told me to stay out of his life forever. I was so shocked I didn’t even talk. I just pulled over by the train tracks and started crying. Finally when he got tired of calling me names I said I was really sorry and that I would never have come by his house if he hadn’t hung up on me and that the only reason I called in the first place was to tell him that my father died.

Silence.

Boy, did he feel guilty! He said he was truly deeply sorry for my loss. I thanked him and said it was the hardest thing I had ever gone through. (Ha!) I asked him how he knew it was me who came by and that was when he told me about Martine and the photo album. It turns out that when she opened the door she recognized me immediately and didn’t believe for one second that I was his cousin Fiona. Or some psycho student either. She knew I was the girl who’d been calling and hanging up.

When Dan got home Martine went ballistic and threatened to walk out and never come back unless he told her the whole truth. So he did. He said I was a high school senior named Amy he met at a video store a few months before they started dating. I came over a few times, we got high, watched movies and fooled around a little. That was it. I was so young he knew it would be immoral to take things any further. Martine asked why he’d lied to her. He said
because he was ashamed. Martine asked why I’d been calling recently. He said because I’d broken up with a boyfriend and wanted to hook up with him again. He had told me no, but since I’m a spoiled brat who isn’t used to being denied, I turned into a stalker.

I complimented him on his fine lying. He laughed. I said that if I ever ran into Martine on the street I’d be sure to stick to his version of events. He thanked me. I asked if he was truly happy with her and he said yes. I told him that I thought she was incredibly beautiful and sexy. He did not argue. Then I did something evil. I made my voice all soft and sweet and said “Dan, do you know what I really want to do?”

“What?”

“Make love with you. One last time. No strings attached.”

There was silence.

He can’t resist me.

I’m his heroine.

I whispered “Just call me whenever you want me.”

Then I hung up.

Hahahaha!

I know it was whorelike behavior but I felt happy for the first time since he dumped me. Too bad it didn’t last. All I want to do right now is crawl back under the covers and not come out till Monday morning.

•    •    •

I haven’t showered since yesterday morning. I smell French! Aaaaggghhh!

Don’t read my life. Go live your own!

I don’t really want to make love with Dan one last time. I want to marry him. Have his babies. Crazy, I know, but crazy is very now. Being out of your mind is totally in. Rage is all the rage.

I read an
Us
magazine today. I am not sure how old it was but it was all about Britney Spears going insane. With police in her house she locked herself in the bathroom with her baby for three hours. When she came out she was only wearing underpants. Can you imagine a world famous celebrity walking around with her boobs hanging out? Lucky cops! She went completely berserk on them. She kept screaming for her vitamins which is her nickname for her illegal meds. On comment boards everybody was laughing about the incident, trying to predict how long it will be before she kills herself, but as a person who has gone insane I know how tragic this story really is. A true heartbreak. Like the astronaut who drove across the country to get her man back and wore a diaper so she wouldn’t have to stop to pee and poo. People mocked her too. I guess the thought of
insanity is so scary for some people that they have to laugh it off. But it’s not funny at all when you’re the person. I would give anything to take back both my drive to Dan’s house and my offer to have sex with him again. Where is my pride? Who is there to teach a girl pride?

I just rocked Joel Seidler’s little Jewish world by calling him. Even though when we had dinner I promised him we would be friends again, I knew he didn’t believe me, which was smart because I was blatantly lying. But now that I am a crampy pitiful, lonely half-orphan, I can’t be too choosy. We’re meeting at a bar with a heated patio where we can smoke ourselves to oblivion. Last one to cough up a tumor is a rotten egg!

Having drinks with Joel was either a really healthy thing to do or a really terrible mistake. I can’t decide which. I just know I’m in pain. You decide, okay?

As soon as we sat down I told him about my dad’s death so I could get all the sympathy out of the way, then I brought up what I really wanted to talk about. I gave him every single detail of my visit to Dan’s house and of the phone conversation
when I offered him more sex. Joel kept shaking his head like I was a real piece of work.

When I was done he said “I told you to stay away from him but you didn’t listen.”

When he saw my totally blank face he smiled and said “You didn’t just ignore my advice, you forgot it!”

We both laughed and I apologized for being so lame. He asked me if I had called a psychiatrist yet. I told him I definitely would.

Then I said “In the meantime you be my shrink, okay? Tell me what’s wrong with me.”

I was semi-joking but he didn’t notice.

“You won’t get defensive?” he asked.

His face was so serious I almost started laughing. I just shook my head. Joel talked for like the next half hour straight. I don’t remember all of what he said but the bottom line was that he thinks I am a self-centered borderline-insane nympho. Oh and an incipient alcoholic too. (I didn’t know what the word meant either. I just looked it up. It means I am not a drunk yet but soon.) He said the reason I drink so much and have so much stupid sex is to numb my pain. He said I have a lot of sadness inside me but also tons of anger against men. He said that if I don’t deal with it I’m going to end up hurting myself or others. He also said I am way too skinny and have major food issues. (What hot gyrl doesn’t?) He also said thank god I deferred college because it would have been an unmediated disaster for me to be
there right now, especially with my father dying. He thinks I might have ended up jumping off my dorm like he almost did.

The whole time he was listing everything wrong with me I kept arguing with him in my head, thinking of how I was going to defend myself when he stopped. But deep down I knew he was right. I am much more screwed up than I admit. When he was finished I thanked him for being so honest and I promised him I would think about everything he said. He was really impressed with my maturity. Inside I couldn’t wait to escape. It all felt so urgent. I just wanted to be alone. Now I am and I wish I weren’t. I might even go down the hall and see if my mom is still up.

Martin Luther King’s federal birthday was celebrated today but I still had to go to work.

I was about to go home for the day when Paul sat me down and told me that there were going to be some changes in the household. Starting Friday, Margaret is going back to work part-time. I pretended to be totally surprised. He said it was a small job redoing some rich dude’s media room. She will be working from 10:00 until 2:00 for about a month. This
means we will all have to adjust to meet Cole’s needs. Margaret will start pumping and freezing her milk, which will make it possible for me to feed Cole when she’s away. Paul said he will make sure to come home for lunch every single day so Cole will only be without both of them from about 9:30 to 12:00. I think this is really intelligent planning. It’s going to be hard for Cole to have his mommy gone. He’s had boob on demand since the second he was born.

Driving home I heard on the radio Heath Ledger died. Drugs I’m sure. Such a waste. When I got home I crawled into bed and cried over it. Which is weird since I’ve hardly ever seen any of his movies. I just felt so sorry for his cute girlfriend and their little baby with no daddy. At one point my mom knocked and asked if I was all right. I said “Yes, go away!” I am sure she thought I was crying over my dad. Hey, maybe I was. Hahaha!

Long walk with Cole. Freezing but the sky was blue. Cole was so quiet I kept stopping and checking to make sure he wasn’t dead. Why is my mind so negative? He was fine, of course, just thinking. Is that possible? To think without words? How about to feel with only words? Possible? Get back to me on that.
In the afternoon while Margaret was napping, I laid Cole on his floor mat. I sat next to him and watched TV Cole suddenly decided it was time to flip over onto his stomach for the very first time. He struggled and struggled and then did it. He plopped right over. He was so happy! Such a major achievement! I screamed with joy. Margaret came running down the stairs. She thought he was choking or something but when she saw her baby boy on his stomach, smiling with his hands out at his sides like he was flying, she put her hands on her cheeks and burst out crying. By the end of the day Cole was flipping back and forth, like he’d been doing it his whole life. Wouldn’t it be amazing if that happened to grown-ups too? One day, boom, everything turns upside down and you realize that there’s so much more to the world than you ever thought?

Margaret started her decorating job today. It was fun to have the house all to myself. It was even more fun knowing that Paul was coming home for lunch. I made sure Cole was fed and napping by the time Paul walked in, so we could eat in peace.

Paul and Dan are brilliant in different ways. Dan mostly knows about film and literature. Paul knows about sports,
politics and the stock market. Paul is also way more into current events. Especially the presidential election which we discussed during lunch. Usually I don’t like to admit my severe ignorance but since there was no way I could fake it, I told him the truth. I said that I know very little about politics but I want to learn because this is the first election where I actually get to vote. He explained that we are heading toward a huge recession and that the environment is in serious trouble (this I know) and that the war in Iraq has cost us trillions of dollars and our national soul. He likes Obama because he believes nothing is more important than change right now.

“Hillary’s not change enough?” I asked.

“Not even close. She’s just the male version of her husband.”

I thought that was pretty funny.

Sometimes when I am alone with Paul, I can’t think of anything interesting to say, so last night, knowing that we were going to be having lunch together, I reread what I blogged about World War One (the stuff Glenn A. Warburg taught me), and today at lunch I regurgitated it. But I did it casually, like it was just one of many historical topics I am an expert on. It impressed the shit out of him.

“I knew I was right to recommend you for admission,” he said.

“Even though my transcript sucked.” “No, it didn’t. It was just undistinguished.” “Because I didn’t apply myself. I hated high school.” “Yeah, you mentioned that during your interview. More than once. I liked your candor.”

I gave him the hugest smile. “Well, I knew I was right to defer.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I hadn’t deferred I wouldn’t be sitting here right now with you.”

This was the first time I have ever intentionally flirted with him. I couldn’t help it. Anyway, he liked it.

When Cole woke up, Paul played with him for a while then helped me change his poopy diaper. Instead of going back to the office, he went upstairs and worked on his computer till Margaret got home. Later at the door Paul handed me my pay envelope. It seemed thicker than usual so when I got to my car I peeked inside. Was there extra cash enclosed? Nope. Something even better. A piece of paper folded around the money. It said:

1. Complete honesty is a complete lie.
   

2. Money is essential to long-term happiness: romantic love is not.
   

3. Every human being is a paradox. Some hide it better than others.
   

4. All sex has consequences, most of them dire.
   

5. Marriage is sacred only to those who have never been married.
   

6. Never underestimate the tendency of human beings to act contrary to their own best interests.
   

7. Were it not for the fear of getting caught, most of us would behave like savages.
   

8. The older you get the faster time moves until months pass like days.
   

9. There is no such thing as living happily ever after.
   

10. The world only gets worse.