Unfinished (17 page)

“Not a chance.
You owe me breakfast.” I tried to make my voice stern, but I knew I wasn’t fooling
him.  He could hear the want there.  Luckily, he took pity on me and stepped
back.

“Okay.  You
win.  We’ll be good,” he smiled.  He moved to get our plates and the syrup and
I hopped down from my perch and joined him at the table.

Our
conversation took a turn towards easy as we ate our breakfast. I knew that we’d
made the right call.  It would be easier this way. As much as I hated the idea
of going back to the friend zone, he was right.  We owed it to any sort of
future that we might have to wait and do this right way.  I kept telling myself
that it would be easier once he was back in Chicago.  Having him in front of me
like this made the idea of not touching him seem impossible. Distance would be
our friend. 

An hour and a
half later we were headed out the door.  I was taking Owen to the airport and
then heading off to work. I knew I’d have a pile of work waiting on me and was
grateful for the distraction that it would provide.

“Do you have
everything?” I asked as we moved to the front door. 

“Nearly.” His
voice came loud against my ear as he turned me and pressed me up against the
door frame.

“What are you
doing?” I asked softly. 

“I just have
one thing I need to say before I go,” he said, his gaze serious.

“Okay.”

“No matter
what…I need you to remember that this whole weekend, you, everything…it’s
important to me.  You are important.  I’m not going to walk away without you
knowing that it means something,” he said.

I smiled. 
Those words were like a healing balm across my heart.  It made the fact that he
was leaving easier.

“Ditto,” I
smiled.  He gave me one of his killer Owen smiles and then took my face into
his hands. 

“I’m going to
kiss you…we can start this friends thing after I leave,” he said, daring me to
tell him no.  I never would.

He leaned into
me slowly and I braced myself for the reaction my body would have to him.  His
lips brushed against mine slowly before finally pressing against me.  He cupped
my face in his hands and kissed me with a sweet deliciousness that left me
feeling weak.  He was in control of this kiss, and he was saying so much with
it that it filled me with emotion.  I wanted to freeze the moment and hang on
to it.  I wanted to remember every detail in case it was the last one.  Because,
no matter what we said, it was very possible we’d never have this again. 

He moved back
and rested his forehead against mine as we both gathered our emotions and tried
to put them back into the little box that we’d decided to put them in.

“Ready?” he asked
softly.  I managed a nod, not trusting myself to speak.  He grabbed his
suitcase, took my hand and we headed out to the car, ending our magical weekend
and finding our way back to reality.

Chapter Twenty

The next month
found Owen and I falling into our new routine.  We were both busy with work,
which granted us a much needed distraction.  It helped me from obsessing
twenty-four seven about everything.  I was doing a good job at settling in to
this new arrangement.  We were friends.  We still chatted daily and he still
called me each night to catch up.  But even though we were sticking to our
roles, there was always something just under the surface.

That’s not to
say that we were perfect. Sometimes when we would talk late into the night he
would tell me how much he missed touching me.  I’d try to change the subject,
but the truth was I wanted to hear him talk to me that way. I wanted to hear
him describe how he would touch me if he were lying beside me.  We’d drifted
into dangerous territory a few times.  It was too easy to do.  The want was
still there, even with distance and responsibility hanging between us.

I knew I
should be careful.  I knew that I should guard my heart, but each day I spent
talking with him I felt myself falling.  My emotions were all over the place. I
was falling hard for this man.  Not just his handsome face, or the way he made
me feel when he was touching me, but falling for the man that he was underneath
it all.  The man that he kept under wraps and hidden from most of the world. 
He was mine. No matter what he had going on in his everyday life, far away from
me, I knew there was a secret part of him, the real Owen, that was mine alone. 
He’d let me in and I knew how special and unique that was. 

I tried hard
to fight the questions that would find their way to me in quiet moments.  That
was when I was weakest, when I would begin to question whether or not I was
digging myself a hole I wouldn’t be able to escape.  There were the moments
when I had to question whether I was a fool, falling for a set of lies.  Maybe
I was becoming the classic other woman.  It was an endless circle of questions.
Some days I thought I should just get some space from the whole situation. 
Maybe if I just stopped talking to him for awhile I could figure stuff out and
it would all make sense. But then he would call and I would fall into that
husky voice and he’d have me all over again. 

It was
exhausting at times, but I couldn’t walk away.  I was too afraid of what I’d be
losing to worry enough about being a fool.  We were friends, but even I knew
that was a joke.  I was waiting for him.  I was in a constant state of waiting
for tomorrow, for something to change.  I was letting this back and forth be
enough.  It was consuming me, even though I tried like hell to convince
everyone that it wasn’t.  I loved it, even though I knew it was bad for me, and
I hated it because I felt like I had no control over any of it.  I was dancing
a precarious line between truth and daydreams.  The hardest days were the ones
when I worried that I was dancing alone.

“What are you
doing this weekend?”  It was Owen.  It was Friday afternoon and once again I
was feeling that weird tug in our relationship.

“I’m not sure. 
I think I’ll go out with Cassie and some of the girls.  Maybe have dinner and
see where the night takes us.”  I was still at work and sorting through some
files before I headed home for the day. 

Owen was quiet
on the end of the line for a moment before finally asking, “Just the girls?  No
hot date?”

“Not tonight,”
I said.  We played this game nearly every weekend.  Wanting to know if there
were other people we should be worrying about, but not wanting to admit that we
cared.  It was a messed up relationship.  Sometimes our honesty took a back
seat and I worried that eventually it would do us in.

“Hmmm…” he
said, thoughtfully.

“I’m not
seeing anyone, Owen. I told you.” I felt a little exasperated and it came off sounding
grumpy and bitchy.  Our situation was starting to make me more than a little
crazy and I found myself taking it out on him when it got to a breaking point. 

“I know.  But
you can.  I mean…I can’t keep you from seeing other people,” he said.

I sighed. “Do
you want me to see other people, Owen?  Do you want me to find someone else to
talk to?” I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my fingers across my temples.

“It’s not that
I want you to.  But...Fuck, Ally, I don’t know.  I know I can’t give you
anything so I can’t stop you if something comes along that you want to
explore.  I don’t want to keep you from being happy.  At the same time, I want
to be the one to make you happy.” He ended the last part of his sentence on a
whisper. 

I closed my
eyes, feeling the clench of my heart. “Owen, we just keep muddling the water. 
I don’t even know what we are or what the rules are.  I’ll be honest, it’s
driving me crazy.  I spend half of my time pretending that I don’t have
feelings for you and the other half drowning in them. I don’t know which way is
up half the time.  I know we agreed to be friends while we figure all of this
out, but I’m not sure we are doing a very good job of it.” I felt better.  I
had been holding that in and it felt good to just put honest words out there
again, instead of always second guessing myself.

“I know, babe. 
I am just so afraid of fucking things up.  I want us to be together, but I am
so close to getting everything I have been working for, that to walk away from
it seems wrong.  But not being with you is hard.  Being your friend and pushing
you to date some other jackass feels wrong too; even knowing that you are going
out with the girls and looking sexy as hell drives me crazy.  Because I know
some jackass is going to be eying you up and down and he’s going to come up and
talk to you and ask you to dance and the whole thing makes me want to punch
something. It’s not fair, and I know I am a complete asshole for even thinking
that, but I can’t help it.  All I can think about is how you are going to find
someone that is a better fit than me, who doesn’t have all of these
complications and it’s going to be easy for you to fall for him.  And I’ll lose
you…again.  You aren’t the only one turned upside down.  I’m confused too and
you’re right, there are no rules for this kind of thing.”  He sighed and I
could hear my own desperation in the sound.

“Look, we just
have to talk about this stuff.  No more just holding it in. I think that is
what gets us to this point.  We both live in our own heads and things get out
of control. That’s not us. We talk things out.  You’ve never been afraid to ask
me things straight out and I have always answered you no matter what.  That’s
how we get through this,” I said.

“You’re
right.  Honesty.  Can you do me a favor…just for tonight?” he asked.

“What is it?”

“Don’t fall
for anyone tonight.  If some guy asks you to dance, maybe you could just say
no…for tonight.” I could tell he felt like an ass for even asking, and I should
probably have taken it that way. Instead it warmed my heart a little.  Maybe
his insecurities made my own feel less severe.

“I can do
that,” I agreed.

“Do you want
to know what I’m going to do tonight?” he asked, a smile in his voice.  I could
feel some of the tension fading away.

“Do you want
to tell me?” I smiled into the phone.

“Business
dinner.  And then The Walking Dead on Netflix I think.” He seemed pleased.

“Oh it sounds
fascinating,” I teased.

“It is.  Maybe
you could call me when you get back home. I’d like to hear your voice,” he
admitted.  And while I should have refused, I didn’t.  Just like I didn’t ask
if Anna was going to be at his business dinner. 

So much for
honesty.

******

And that is
how we continued.  Push. Pull. Repeat. Each day away from each other became
another day where happily-ever-after became an unreachable destination.  I’d
begun to accept it all.  I’d started to see things more clearly. I started to
find myself again. I was super busy with work, and Owen’s big promotion had
turned into an opportunity to become a full on partner.  Needless to say, I
heard from him less after that.  It was hard at first, to have him drift away
and get so caught up in work and life.  But it had turned out to be good for
me.  I found my balance again.

After two
months, I was holding my own. I’d tucked away the daydreams of a happy ending
with Owen away safely in the recesses of my heart.  There was no time to
dwell.  I would take his cue and focus on my job.  He’d been clear that he
wasn’t ready to give up his quest for partner.  He’d worked too hard, come too
far to give it up.  I may have been important, but that drive he had to prove
himself was more important than I could ever be.  It was a harsh lesson, but
one that I needed in order to let it go. 

I had been
hanging on to us, thinking about the day when life would become uncomplicated
and we’d be together the way we had been that weekend. But it wasn’t going to
happen.  There were some walls that even I could not tear down.  I held on to
the fact that we had had the smarts to not go into this thing full force.  We’d
held back for a reason, to preserve our friendship and I was grateful for
that.  Because I knew, had we tried, we would be nothing now. He would still
have chosen the job and I’d have been broken hearted.  It was better this way. 
At least I still had my friend, even if I had to continually remind my heart to
back off.

This was the
fragile ground I was on when my boss came into my office to put me on a new
account.  I was excited about a new project and ready to jump in.  He explained
that I would need to go and make a site visit to get things rolling. I was fine
with that until he told me where I was going. Chicago. Damn.  I swear I could
hear the voice of fate laughing at me.

Three days
later I found myself on a plane.  I had considered not even telling Owen I was
coming.  I wasn’t really sure that I could see him. It was a constant back and
forth.  I want to see him.  I can’t see him.  I had made so much progress and I
was afraid of messing it all up.  My feelings still felt too fragile. I was
still learning to deal with the lost opportunity of us being together.  Just
because I knew how things stood, it didn’t make the feelings disappear. I
worried that seeing him would send me right back into confusion.  I wasn’t
positive that my heart could handle it. I was pretty sure that he had closed
all of his feelings off. This is what he did.  I wasn’t ready to show him that
I hadn’t. I didn’t want to be the weak one. 

I was never
going to make it.

I shouldn’t
have told him I was coming.

I was weak.

The plane
landed and I took a deep breath to steel my nerves. I gave myself a little pep
talk and marched off the plane.  Fake it til you make it.  I could do it. It
was only three days.  Two nights.  Only two nights.  I shook my head at the
vision that instantly invaded my mind when I thought of nights with Owen.  I
would just stay in my hotel. We were having dinner tonight, and after that I
could just feign client meetings and not see him.  Surely I could manage a
public outing. I wasn’t that pathetic.

I went
straight to see my clients and my day was filled with meetings. I spent the
entire day in the offices of the new client, getting to know them, their
business and their goals.  I was so focused on my tasks that I didn’t give any
thought to the upcoming evening.  Work was my lifesaver. I knew what I was
doing there.  I had the right words, I had a plan of attack and I had a
confidence that could convince my clients that my firm was the right choice for
them. 

If only I
could keep that confidence into the evening ahead.

I stared at
myself in the hotel mirror.  I had changed my clothes four times already and
there was a pile on the bed. I had nixed the dress because it seemed to scream
Fuck
me, Owen!
Nixed the slacks cause they looked uptight and like I was trying
too hard to be normal.  I had rejected the skirt because it was cold and I
wasn’t so sure I trusted myself completely.  Currently, I was in jeans, a black
sweater that hugged my shoulders, black boots and a gray scarf.  It was casual,
but still put together.  I glanced at the clock and realized it would have to
do; Owen would be here soon.

Once again, I
was starting to second guess myself.  Maybe it had been a mistake to tell him I
was even coming to Chicago.  This was his turf.  It made me feel uneasy. Not
for the first time, I thought about canceling.  It’s not that I didn’t want to
see him.  I longed to see him.  The idea made me feel giddy.  Which is exactly
why I shouldn’t see him.  We were friends. We had agreed.  Things were too
complicated for us to be anything more.  He had a job that he cared about and
goals that required him to make sacrifices.  I was the sacrifice.  I wish I
could say that I understood that, but I was trying.  I told myself over and
over again that if that was what he felt, if that was what was important to
him, then this was the right decision. 

We couldn’t
work when he was so committed to his job that he wasn’t willing to walk away
from a
fake
relationship.  And if he wasn’t willing to walk away from a
fake one, how was he supposed to have a real one? He couldn’t let go of those
goals and he felt an obligation to his work and to Anna and I didn’t fit into
that equation.  The thought haunted me. I could deny it, but I still had
feelings for him.  I still thought about our time together late at night.  His
voice still sent electricity through me.

I had agreed
to friends.  We had discussed it like rational people.  Wrong time. Seven hours
away. Commitments. Blah. Blah. Blah.  I got it.  I agreed to it.  When he said
that I should date other people, I actually thought I would try it.  It was
even starting to sound like a good idea.  I wanted to keep him in my life.  So
we were friends.  But it was a lot easier to be friends when you were so far
apart.  I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to be friends face to face.