Unfinished (19 page)

I couldn’t say
anything. I was just so focused on him; his eyes, his mouth, the scent that was
enveloping me.  It was making me drunker than the wine. 

“Stay.”

“It’s not a
good idea, Owen.” I tried to pull back from him, to put some space between us,
but I was already as far as I could get.

He moved
closer and his lips grazed against my jaw.  I got lost in it for a moment. It would
be so easy.  I wanted it. I wanted him. But he was the one who had told me that
things were complicated. He was the one that said it wasn’t the right time for
us to try something.  He’s the one who pulled away. I couldn’t let him change
his mind on a whim.

I pushed him
away and, surprisingly, he went easily.  But the look in his eyes told me he
wasn’t ready to give up. I made it to my feet and tried to clear my head a
little. 

“I should go. 
I’ll grab a cab,” I managed.  I was avoiding his eyes, for fear that they would
pull me in and I would change my mind. I grabbed for my boots and put them on.

“Ally, don’t be
ridiculous.  You aren’t taking a cab.” He followed me as I made my way to the
door.  He grabbed my arm and turned me around.

“I’m sorry,”
he said the words, but his eyes told me he wasn’t sorry at all. I gave him a
look that said as much. He smiled sheepishly.  “I am sorry.  I shouldn’t have
pushed. But I don’t want you to go.   I miss the hell out of you and I want you
here,” he said. 

I let out a
sigh and met his gaze. “We agreed,” I pointed out. 

“I know.  I
know what I said. And I still think that it’s the right thing.  But just
because I said that we should just step back and be friends doesn’t mean that I
don’t still have feelings for you.  Those didn’t go away.  But I can’t lose
you.  And until I can get out of this mess, I also can’t do what’s right with
you either.  So yeah, I said let’s be friends.  Because being nothing, isn’t an
option for me anymore. I need you in my life.  And when you are standing here
in front of me, looking so beautiful, I don’t want to think about what is
right.  I want to just give in and have you.  I want to kiss you and feel you. 
I don’t want to be your friend right now.  I know what I said, but right now,
this is what I feel.  So please…just stay.  Say that you’ll stay.”

I leaned
against the wall for support.  His words left me weak.  How was I supposed to
fight him on this when he was saying exactly what I felt?  I wanted to stay.  I
really did.  But how could I?  Our situation hadn’t changed.  If I stayed with
him, woke up beside him in the morning, I would be taking steps backwards. I
couldn’t risk that. If were going to give friends a shot I had to stick to it. 
But God, hearing him say these things, to be validated like this; it tore at my
heart and nearly did me in.

“Owen, you
know I want to. I can’t hide that from you.  But I can’t.  I can’t go back and
forth.  It’s too hard and it’s not fair.  If you want to keep me, we have to do
this the right way.” He was so close that it was hard to concentrate.  “You
have to decide what this is.  Are we on hold until you get things sorted out? 
Do I wait for you?  Because in one breath you are telling me not to and the
next you are telling me that you want to be with me when this is all over.  I
can’t play this game with you.”

He didn’t say
anything for a long moment.  I could tell he was really taking my words to
heart. No matter what, I could always count on him to listen…to hear me.  He
could see through my bullshit and see what I was really trying to say.  And
right now, I could tell that he knew I was speaking the truth.  This wasn’t
just playing hard to get, this was me laying my heart out for him.  This was
vulnerability and as always, it was hard.

“Okay,” he
said simply. What did that even mean?

“Okay, what? 
Okay, you get it?  Okay, you want me to wait? Okay, you want me to move on and
let this go?  Okay, what, Owen?” My frustration was growing.

He took a step
back to give me more space.  “Okay, I get it.  I’m not being fair.  I wish I
had the right answers for you, Ally.  I wish I knew what tomorrow was going to
bring,” he said.

That made me
mad.  Anger started to boil underneath my skin.  “Seriously?  I’m so sick of
this back and forth.  It’s like you try to dangle some future in front of me
just to snatch it away again.  It’s not the right time, it’s complicated, but
yet you want me to stay when it’s convenient.”

His brow
furrowed as he listened to me rant. “I didn’t bring you here just to fuck you,
if that’s what you’re getting at.” His temper was starting to flare too. Good. 
I was suddenly in the mood for a fight.

“Really? 
Because it kind of sounded that way.” It hadn’t. Not really.  If I was honest,
I knew his feelings were as real as my own, but I was angry and logic went out
the window when trying to win an argument.

“How can you
even think that?  I’ve tried to be honest with you.  You know everything that’s
going on.  We talked about this.  You said the same thing. Hell, you said it
first.  So why are you acting like I’m the asshole here?” His voice boomed, but
I didn’t flinch.

“Yeah, well,
that was then.  It made sense.  But it’s different now.  You can’t keep making
me fall for you just to push me away.  I’m not a doormat, Owen.” I wanted to
push his buttons.  I needed to release all of this pent up energy and
frustration and since I wasn’t going to let myself sleep with him, this was the
next best thing.

“Fuck!” He
roared.  “A doormat?  Really?  You aren’t fucking serious.  What the hell?” He
ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. “I would never treat you that way.
You have no idea what I feel in here.” He slapped his chest with his hand.  I
saw hurt in his eyes and it cut me.  I’d pushed too far.

I felt the
tears sting my eyes. My voice came out softer, “What I know, is that life
doesn’t usually get uncomplicated.  I know that if I stay here with you
tonight, I’ll regret it in the morning.  I’ll regret it when you go back to
your life and I go back to mine and we just become pen pals again.” I fought to
keep the tear from slipping down my cheek.

He stepped
back towards me, tilted my face up to see his. His anger faded along with my
own. “I never want to hurt you. Don’t you see?  You go against all of my logic
and all of my plans.  And yeah, I’m the jackass who can’t figure out how to put
it all together. But damn it, Ally, I have never had anything but honest
intentions with you.  Please don’t ever doubt that.  I wanted you to stay
because to have you here feels right.  Having you beside me makes me feel whole
and the idea of you spending the night across town and not in my arms feels
fucking wrong.  That’s why I wanted you here.  You are not my goddamn booty
call and it kills me to think that is how you feel.”

I took a deep
breath.  “I don’t.  I just.  I just can’t stay. I don’t trust my heart in this
situation,” I said quietly.  He took a moment before he spoke.

“Okay.  I’ll
drive you back.” He grabbed our coats from the closet and led us out. 

The ride back
to the hotel was full of tension.  Neither of us spoke.  I hated that the
evening was ending this way.  While I knew I had made the right decision I had
gone about it in the wrong way and I wondered if this would be the last time
that I saw him.  I wondered if he felt it too, the finality of this moment.  So
much hung in the air between us. 

He left the
car with the valet and walked me inside.  We stopped at the elevators and I
turned to look at Owen. He stared at his feet, his hands buried in the pockets
of his jeans.

“Maybe we can
have coffee or something before I leave on Thursday,” I suggested.  I didn’t
want to think this was the last time I’d see him.  Maybe after we’d both cooled
off it would be okay. 

He gave me a
slight nod. “Yeah.” I wasn’t sure I believed him. Letting out the breath I was
holding I stepped up to him and kissed his cheek. 

“Thanks for
dinner.” I turned away without looking at him and darted into the open elevator
before the tears started to fall silently down my cheeks.

I was thankful
that the elevator was empty; I didn’t want to share my sorrow with anyone
else.  I just wanted to fall into bed and mourn the night and quite possibly
this whole complicated, messed up relationship.

Chapter Twenty-One

I didn’t sleep
much that night.  I stared at the ceiling and replayed every moment of the
night. Then, I replayed every moment of our weekend and every moment in
between.  If possible, I felt more confused than before.  How did we get here? 
I tried to remember how we’d been before, two kids waiting to grow up and see
the world.  We had spent so much time together back then.  It had never been
this confusing.  There had never been this constant pull back and forth. I had
never had to question my feelings or his intentions.  It was just natural and
good. 

Up until
graduation.  That’s when it had changed.  That moment we crossed the line into
something other than friendship.  I could see now that that was the moment I
had lost easy.  Once we had opened that door it had been over.  We’d invited
something else in, and even after all these years it had refused to go.

I didn’t know
what I wanted.  Was I glad that I had chosen not to stay? Yes.  I knew it was
the smartest thing to do.  But every nerve in my body was longing for his
touch.  Even now, lying here in bed I could almost feel his touch across my
skin.  It made me burn for him.  It made me restless. 

Which side was
I supposed to listen to?  How did I ignore the intensity that I felt with him? 
Smart or not, I would always question what if.  I didn’t want to live in a
world of could have been.  Those questions will drive you crazy.  But to find
out the answer to the question could bring me unbearable heartbreak.  That is
the one thing I did feel sure of. I knew the pain this thing was causing me
now. The idea of jumping in and risking it all was a sure set up for something
I might not return from. 

It was
impossible. There was no right answer, no solution that was going to fix this. 
I was in way over my head and I just wasn’t prepared for how to get myself out
of it.

When morning
came, I welcomed the distraction.  I needed something to get me out of my
head.  I was weary from too much thinking.  I stopped at the corner coffee shop
and bought the biggest, strongest cup they offered and I set on my way back to
my client’s tall skyscraper. 

The day was
long though.  I forced myself to concentrate and do my job.  But each time I
glanced at my phone or checked my email my heart would sink a little further. 
There was nothing from Owen.  He had gone silent and even though I had been
there pushing him away, it made me hurt to think he had gone. God, I had become
a first class train wreck.  I chastised myself and put the phone away, refusing
to look at it again.

It was after
sundown when I made my way back to the hotel.  I was exhausted after the long
day and the lack of sleep.  I just wanted to go upstairs, order some room
service, take a hot shower and hopefully fall into a deep sleep where I
wouldn’t have to think about anything.  Tomorrow I would go home and find my
way back to normal.  Just getting out of this city would make things easier.

I made my way
through the lobby and stopped when I saw the familiar figure sitting on the
sofa, facing the front door. I felt relief and dread all at once. He was in a
charcoal suit, jacket and tie gone, top buttons undone, and the sleeves rolled
up to his elbows.  He was a picture of disheveled perfection.  His hair was
mussed, a result of too many frustrated hands and he looked as exhausted as I
felt.  He sat there watching the door, leaned forward, elbows on knees and
staring intently.  Our eyes locked and I slowed my approach.

I hadn’t
expected him to be here. I wasn’t prepared for this moment.  I walked to him,
stopping a couple of feet in front of the sofa. He looked up at me, meeting my
eyes.  They were sad, defeated and it broke me.  I didn’t want this for us. 

“Hi,” I said
softly.

“Hi,” he
returned.

We were quiet,
our gazes locked, trying to read each other. I didn’t know why he was here.  I
wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer.

“So, what are
you doing here in the lobby?” I asked finally. He hadn’t moved at all. 

“I didn’t know
when you’d be back. I didn’t want to miss you.”

Oh.

“Can we go
upstairs and talk?” he asked. 

I hesitated
for a moment before I agreed.  We needed this. Last night had been hard and if
we had any hope of moving forward we had to talk about it. 

Owen got up,
grabbed his jacket and followed me towards the elevator.  Neither of us spoke
until we had made it into the room.  I shut the door behind us and then kicked
off my heels.  My feet were killing me after a long day.  I saw Owen’s mouth
turn up just a hint before the smile faded again.

“Can I get you
something to drink?” I asked.

“No. I’m fine.
Thanks though.”

The formality
between us was stifling.  I hated it.  I watched as Owen looked around my
room.  There was no couch, only one chair by the window.

“I just wanted
to talk to you for a minute.  I wanted to talk about what happened,” he
offered. 

“You wanna
sit?” I offered and he looked over at the bed and then back at me. I shrugged. 
“It’s fine. Let’s talk,” I said.  I moved over to the edge of the bed and sat
down. He seemed to think about it for a second and then followed me over,
sitting down beside me.  Then he went quiet again.

After a few
moments, I decided that someone had to get this thing started. “Owen?”

He let out a
breath and then shifted so he was facing me. I saw it again, that look in his
eyes, haunted and sad. “Ally, I’m so sorry about last night.  I was being
selfish and you’re right it wasn’t fair to you,” he started. 

“Owen, I’ve
thought a lot about it.  I may have overreacted some. I was just so full of
emotions that it all kind of hit me. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like
that.  I’m sorry too.”  And I was. I was sorry that we were sitting here having
to have this conversation. I was sorry that we couldn’t just be Ally and Owen
anymore.  I felt like we had both gotten lost somewhere along the way.

“I was up all
night, just thinking about everything that happened last night and…” He seemed
to be searching for the right words, thinking about each one carefully.  “I
hate that I made you feel that way.  I never want to hurt you.  I never want to
make you feel unimportant or cheap.”  He cringed at the last word.

I wanted to
reassure him, but I could tell he had more on his mind that he needed to say. 
“I’ve never been good at real relationships.  You know how I’ve felt about
them.  I don’t do them because I don’t trust myself to do them right. I’ve
lived by that rule my whole life.  I’m selfish.  I put my work and my goals
ahead of everything else.  It’s always been enough for me. But then you come
back around and I feel like maybe it’s not enough.  You make me question it
all.  You make me think of things that I long thought impossible,” He took my
hand in his, laying them in his lap as his fingers rubbed across my skin.  I
couldn’t help but smile at his words. 

“But then I go
and I screw it all up like I did last night and I realize how right I was all
along.” My heart stopped as his words hit with full force and I closed my eyes
against the weight that suddenly sat on my chest.

“Last night
reminded me of who I am.  I can’t change. Not really. I’m selfish.  And I’m not
good enough for you.  I never have been. All the reasons we decided to wait are
still there, only now they are just bigger.  I can’t ignore my work right now.
I can’t afford to be distracted.  But when you are here, beside me, I can’t
think of anything else.  You haunt my every moment and I’m so torn between what
my heart wants and what I know I’m really capable of.  I can’t do that to you,
Kit Kat.  I can’t be the one who continually breaks your heart,” he said, his
voice thick with emotion. 

I could feel
the tears prick behind my eyelids. I wanted to fight them off, but they were
there, threatening to betray me. I opened my eyes to see my own pain reflected
back to me.

“I wish I
could say that I understand it all, Owen. I know that you have this idea of who
you are, but it’s not the guy that I know.    You are not your past.  But I get
that you have that to overcome it and I know that you do that by being
successful and by shutting everything else out.  I guess I just thought that we
were moving past all that. I thought that maybe we’d find our way.” I was going
to be honest with him. Honesty was all that we had left.

“I know.  I
wanted that, too.  But all I could think about last night is how it’s not fair
to you. I haven’t been fair to you.  I can’t ask you to wait around for me to
get my shit together.  I can’t keep you from finding your happiness.  I keep
thinking that maybe I am keeping you from something better, someone better,
because we have this unfinished business between us.  I can’t bear the thought
of you missing out on something you deserve because you are waiting on me…not
when I might never be able to give you what you deserve.” My heart sunk more
with each word.  This was really it.  We were calling it quits before we even
got started and the loss of the possibility was too much.

I tried to
find the right words, but I couldn’t get them out.  I didn’t know how to let
this go or tell him goodbye. Were we just supposed to drift apart and go back
to being memories?  I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around a life that didn’t
include him anymore.  It had been such a short amount of time, but he was
ingrained into my life now.  I didn’t know how to go back to how it was before
him. He had become a part of me and without him there would be a very large
piece missing.

“Say
something,” he said finally. 

I shrugged, a
tear finally slipping down my cheek.  He moved to wipe it away, but another one
took its place. “I don’t know what to say. Logic doesn’t really take the pain
away.  I let myself fall for you, even though I knew it was risky.” I took a
deep breath, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “I couldn’t help myself.  What
we have together – it’s different than anything I’ve had before.  That’s hard
to fight.”  I had to take a deep breath to steady the weight that had settled
in my chest.

“I almost
didn’t tell you I was coming here,” I admitted.  He gave me a questioning look.

“I was afraid to be around you. 
I’ve known you were struggling with things. I’ve felt you pull away.  I’ve been
working really hard to just let it all go and chalk it up to bad timing.  I thought
if I could give myself time. I could find a place where I could be around you
without feeling so much. I was afraid to come here because of what happened
last night.  I knew how it would feel and I knew I’d get sucked in again, just
being near you.  That’s why I flipped out, because I didn’t trust myself.  I
wanted to stay.  We both know that.  But I had to protect myself.  I can’t turn
it off.  Being with you would have been amazing, but it would have killed me to
walk away. And now we’re here…over,” I finished softly.

“I don’t want
us to be over,” he admitted.

“I don’t
either. But we can’t keep doing this.  I can’t do it. I don’t even recognize
myself anymore.  I’m just not cut out for it,” I admitted.

“I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I can’t be the guy you think I am.” He closed his eyes as he spoke.

“But you are.”
I gave him a sad look,  “You just don’t believe it yet.”

We sat for a
long moment, both lost in the words that had been said and the decisions that
had been made.

“Look, I know
this is going to come out sounding wrong, but I have to try.  I want to stay
here with you tonight.  I won’t try anything, I promise. I just…I can’t walk
out that door right now. Please don’t make me. Just let me lay here with you. 
Please.” He sounded so vulnerable that I couldn’t deny him.

“Okay,” I
said, softly.  He relaxed in relief. I got up and pulled him to his feet and
pulled back the covers.  “I’ll be right back.”  I went into the bathroom,
grabbing my pajamas on my way.  I only took a few minutes, but when I came back
Owen was on the bed, sitting against the headboard in his boxers and a
t-shirt.  I took a moment to just memorize the moment, knowing this would
probably be the last time I saw him this way.  I swallowed hard, the pain a giant
lump in my throat. 

I moved to the
bed and crawled in beside him. He pulled me to him and I snuggled in against
him. The warmth of his embrace soothing me and making me feel a little less
broken.

“Ally,” he
murmured softly, against my hair. “How do I walk away from you?” I could hear
the pain in his voice, defeated. I couldn’t reply, the tears threatening to
make a comeback.  I felt like I might break in two. 

“I need you to
know, everything I said was truth.  Every emotion I’ve had has been honest and
real.  I will treasure every moment with you for the rest of my life.  I’ll
always wish that I could have been more for you, that I could have been more
for myself, for us. You are my heart,” he said.  I looked up at him, and
brushed my face with the softest of touches.  “Can I just kiss you?  Please,
let me kiss you one more time.”  I could tell he thought I’d say no, but I
wasn’t going to deny myself this last kiss, one last moment of holding
everything I’d wanted.  I closed the space between us and our lips touched. 
The electricity was still there, but there were so many feelings behind it that
I thought it might be the end of me. We tasted and savored each other in a gift
that most people never get.  No one really gets to know their last kiss with someone
is actually the last.  I did and I would remember it for always.

I let him hold
me and murmur sweet words to me until we both fell asleep, the emotional and
physical exhaustion taking us under and for all of the turmoil that was in my
heart, I slept more peacefully than I had in weeks.