Until Alex (12 page)

Talk about scary shit.

“You really have no idea, do you?” she whispered.

My eyes fell to her pouty lips, contemplating what they’d taste like. She hadn’t eaten, so I surmised mint with a splash of strawberry from the fruit punch we drank. “What?”

She reached over, gently brushing a fallen piece of hair back from my forehead. The contact sent shivers rippling through me.
What the hell?
I didn’t do shivers, trembles, or any other cliché shit that happened when making contact with the opposite sex. At least I never had before.

Alex tucked her hand back under her head, her tired eyes timid. “What you mean to me. You have no idea.”

What could I say to that? Because all I really wanted to say was,
Please don’t go getting deep on me right now. Please.

Her eyelids fell into long drawn-out blinks. Her over-exhaustion and determination to stay awake jockeyed for control. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel weird or anything. It’s just…you’re the only person I have in this town. And I’m not trying to pressure you to spend time with me or anything like that. Because I know…”

My heart hammered at her unspoken words. What couldn’t she say? What wouldn’t she say? “You know what?” It came out too quickly to be indifferent.

“You don’t want to know me,” she whispered, catching me in her sad gaze.

Well, hell.
How could she even think that? After last night? After today? Now? I flexed my fingers beneath my pillow, stopping them from reaching up and cupping her cheeks. 

“Alex. What happened at school had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.” I closed my eyes for a brief moment, knowing I sounded like every other douchebag out there who’d hurt someone they shouldn’t have hurt. Once I gathered my thoughts, I opened my eyes. Her sad eyes broke my fucking heart. “I just wish I could’ve warned you.”

Genuine interest flickered in her eyes. “Warned me of what?”

My life had become so damned complicated. I’d never had to explain myself to anyone. I’d never had to feel guilty over something I said. I’d never had to apologize for my actions. This was uncharted territory for me.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I just thought you should know you’re the only person I trust—which I know sounds crazy since we barely even know each other.”

And
there it was.

The truth.

I always got the truth from Alex. And strangely, it didn’t send me fleeing the room, state, or country. “What about your aunt?”

She shook her head, her lips twisting in regret. “I’ve known her just about as long as I’ve known you.” My brows slanted in, prompting her to elaborate. “My parents weren’t close with
her. Actually, they acted as though she didn’t exist. I always got the feeling they didn’t trust her.”

My eyes narrowed. Not trust Katherine? She was the only one who trusted me at eighteen to rent an apartment in her building. “How do you know it wasn’t the other way around?”

Alex looked away. “I guess I don’t. Not really anyway. My mom said they had a fight before she married my dad, and they stopped speaking.” She looked back at me. “So for twenty years, they hadn’t spoken. Actually, I spoke to her more than they did. She called on my birthday, but I never met her.”

“What changed?”

She closed her eyes, pulling in a deep breath. “My parents died in a plane crash last month. She’s my only living relative.”

Fuuu
uck
.

My mind tried to sort through the thoughts whipping through it. That definitely answered the
what makes someone cry for days
question. She’d lost her parents. She’d been sent to an unfamiliar place to live with a virtual stranger. And now people were messing with her. “You haven’t mentioned them.”

Her eyes snapped open etched deep with pain. “Because then it makes my nightmare real. If I don’t talk about them, I can pretend I’m away. Like I’ll see them again as soon as I get home.”

I knew exactly what she meant. I did the same thing in the foster homes. Always believing my mom would show up at the door one day looking for me. But inevitably, the truth caught up with me. And I was still alone. Alex would find that to be the case sooner rather than later. And the pain would be just as harsh. If not harsher.

“My boyfriend’s parents were on the plane, too,” she continued.

I must’ve winced because she nodded, wiping away a tear that slipped down her cheek.

“It was my parents’ plane. I asked them to invite his parents to our vineyard.” More tears trickled down. “I don’t even think my parents wanted to go, but they did it for me.
Me
. Their wonderful daughter who sent them out of town so she could spend the weekend alone with her boyfriend.” Tears replaced her words.

Jesus Christ.

She blamed herself.

I reached over and lightly rolled one of her soft waves of hair between my fingers.

“No one could determine who was flying the plane. The news claimed it was my dad because he’s—he was—a licensed pilot.” Alex brushed more tears off her cheeks.

“So after the accident, my friends chose to be there for Preston, not me. They stopped taking my calls. My texts. It’s like they erased me from their lives.” A humorless laugh slipped from her lips. “Preston was the one to break the news to me. He
actually ended the call with ‘This is all your fault.’” 

My body stilled.

Those words.

That weighty accusation.

Misconstruing my appalled face, Alex shrugged. “I wasn’t lying when I said I have no one.”

I had no idea what to say. She’d just unloaded...everything. The hell she’d been through. The shitload of guilt she’d been carrying.

If anyone knew guilt, it was me. I knew its far-reaching capabilities. I knew its endless power. I knew the intolerable pain it dispensed. “I’m sorry.”

Alex’s eyes flashed to the ceiling, allowing my words to hang in the air as she purged her tears.

I placed my hand on her shoulder.

Her eyes dropped to it.

“I know it’s no consolation…” I needed her to hear me, to believe me, so I waited for her to lift her eyes. “But you’ve still got me.”

A sad smile slanted her lips. “I didn’t give you much choice, did I?”

“There’s always a choice.”

Her eyes cast down.

“Hey.” I lifted her chin with my index finger so she had no other option but to look at me. “You said it yourself at Jake’s. You’re a survivor.”

“I’ve cried every day since they died. A survivor deals with it head on. I’m not dealing. I’m pretending it never happened. And failing miserably.”

“Everyone deals with death differently.”

She raised a brow. “So now you’re a shrink?”

I hesitated, choosing my words carefully. Unwilling to divulge more than I needed to. “I’ve had my fair share of loss. Don’t let the fun-loving personality fool you.”

Alex smirked.

Thank God.

Her
sharing something so personal scared the hell out of me. I needed to move us away from the serious shit before she thought question time was a free-for-all. “Seriously, Alex. Don’t underestimate yourself. You’re pretty amazing.”

She averted her gaze, glancing around my room for no other reason than to avoid my eyes. “Thanks. Even if you are just saying it to get in my pants.”

Something between a gasp and a laugh burst out of my mouth. 

She finally looked at me, blinking away the film of tears coating her eyes. “I mean, come on.
Amazing. Survivor
. You’re pulling out all the stops tonight.”

“Tell me about it. I’ve never had to work so hard.”

We shared a laugh. A comfortable laugh in a place that never saw any conversation. It felt good to share something real with another person. And strangely, a person I wasn’t in a rush to throw out of my bed.

“But you’ve got to know, it’s not gonna happen.”

I flashed her my cockiest grin. The one that sank my dimples. Girls loved the dimples. “Oh sweetheart, I know the effect I have on women. If I wanted in, I’d be in.”

Alex cocked her head. She didn’t buy it. And I kind of liked that she didn’t. She saw through my bullshit. And if I wasn’t careful, she might actually see me. “So you’re saying you don’t?”

I shook my head. “I’m saying, timing’s everything. And tonight, time’s not on our side.” What could only be described as disappointment stretched over her features.
Well, hell
. “I never said tomorrow it wouldn’t be.”

Her lips spread into a short-lived smile that faded as her eyelids grew heavier, drooping before my eyes. “Hayden?”

“Yeah?”

Her voice lowered. “Do you snuggle with those girls you bring home?”

I swallowed hard. “What girls?”

“Come on. I’m sad and lonely, not stupid.”

I couldn’t even think of other girls with this beautiful and vulnerable girl in my bed. I was completely screwed. “No, Alex, I don’t snuggle with those girls I
used
to bring home.”

She arched her brows. “Used to?”

“Seems my priorities have recently changed.” I watched the lump in her throat drop. But there was no way I’d let her off the hook that easily. “Why’d you want to know?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Just wondering.”

Just wondering my ass. “Just wondering if I snuggle with those girls or if I’ll snuggle with you?”

Her eyes nearly closed. “Is that your way of asking
me to snuggle, Hayden?”

“Oh, I don’t ask.” I moved closer, sliding my arms around her tiny waist and gently turning her away from me. “I just take what I want.” I pulled her back to my front, inhaling her intoxicating scent and loving the feel of her in my arms.

Her smooth hands slid over mine, linking our fingers together.  “Good night, babe,” she sighed, using the same term she’d used to push my buttons at the bar and relax me in the hospital. It worked then. And it worked now.

“Good night, sweetheart,” I whispered.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

ALEX

I opened my scratchy eyes, struggling to get my bearings. The curtains were pulled snug, but the early morning sun still snuck its rays into small crevices casting dim light over the dark furniture in Hayden’s bare room.

His scent filled my subconscious. So crisp and fresh. Something I’d forever associate with only him. With his arms wrapped tightly around my waist, his rhythmic breathing told me he was still asleep. His strong front pressed firmly to my back, while his right hand splayed on my bare stomach,
under my shirt.

Hmmm
. 

Being in Hayden’s bed, with his arms holding me in place, felt like home. If I could stay that way forever, I’d die a very happy girl. Unfortunately, the fluids the hospital pumped into my body caught up with me.

I wiggled my body, hoping Hayden would let up his grasp. But it only caused him to tighten his arms.

God, I’d never felt so safe. Like nothing could touch me. It was irrational. Totally absurd to know him for such a short period of time and feel the way I did. I knew it was. But it was still the truest thing I had.

I grazed my fingertips over his hand—the one on my bare stomach. His fingers twitched, so I kept at it, this time sliding my other hand over my shoulder and around his neck, threading my fingers through the soft almost-curls at the back of his head. “Hayden,” I whispered, continuing to move both hands.

He grunted, but made no move to release me.

I had to bring out the big guns. I wiggled my rear end right where he couldn’t ignore it. Preston explained the morning male anatomy to me years ago. And from what he said, I should’ve been insulted if I didn’t garner the reaction Hayden sported. Like,
really
sported.

“Morning, sweetheart,” Hayden’s raspy voice hummed, his warm breath tickling my neck.

Preston who?

“Is there a reason you feel the need to rub your cute
little ass all over me so early in the morning?”

My hand dropped from his neck. “I need the bathroom.”

His grasp tightened. “First tell me how you’re doing.”

I paused, considering my response. Words like
scared, shocked,
and
unsettled
came to mind. It had been an eye-opening experience to say the least. But being in Hayden’s arms made the nightmare fade. Made the pain tolerable. Made the sadness dissipate. So I answered truthfully. “Better than expected.”

“Yeah?” He sounded surprised. “Why’s that?”

There was no way I could tell him the truth. I’d said enough the previous night. So instead of using words, I reached for his hand resting on my shirt and slid it across my bare stomach with the other, loving the feel of his rough hands on my skin.

His body tensed. 

I waited it out, pushing him past his comfort level.

After a long moment, his body relaxed. His fingers twitched slightly before tracing slow circles over my stomach. The tingles left in their wake nearly branded my skin, making me forget my ordeal. Forget my pain. Forget everything.

His hands slid from my stomach to my sides, delicately trailing his thumbs up and down my skin in a slow sensual path. Chills rippled through me. Glorious, wonderful chills. “Is this okay?” he whispered.

“Uh huh,” I murmured, because it was all I could muster.

He smiled into my neck as his innocuous thumbs continued moving, never venturing too high or too low. But it didn’t stop the delicious sensations from spreading down to my nether regions.

H
is strong hands sent every one of my nerve endings into overdrive. I couldn’t focus on anything but the heat traveling from my arms to my legs and everywhere in between. I never knew someone’s touch could elicit such a mind-blowing effect. Add to it his breath on the back my neck, and I was about to self-combust.

Deep in the back of my throat I groaned, unable to stop the low primal sound even if I wanted to. I had a mind to spin around in his arms so I could look into those intoxicating eyes and offer myself up to him on a silver platter.

But my rational side reminded me he never had the same girl over more than once. This moment in his bed might’ve been all I ever got if I took it any further. And though I wanted nothing more than to surrender to Hayden and the sensations of his magical hands, I couldn’t risk losing him. He was the only one I had.

I
sighed. “I really have to go.”

Hayden chuckled at my indecisive tone. “You
can run but you can’t hide.”

HAYDEN

Holy shit
.

I rolled onto my back and scrubbed my hands over my face. What was happening? All night I’d slept like a baby with
Alex in my arms. I think she had it all wrong. The only miracle worker around these parts was her.

She had no idea what nightmares plagued my dreams every night—except the two nights I’d slept next to her.

I scrubbed my face again, my morning stubble prickling my palms. What the hell was I doing? She’d just lost her parents. Everything she’d ever known. She’d been drugged and abandoned. She was too vulnerable. Too lost. And as much as my body was telling me it could work, I knew better.

“What are you thinking?” Alex asked.

I dropped my hands and linked them behind my head, marveling at her sweet little body leaning against my door frame. “Just wondering what was taking you so damn long.”

Coward
.

Alex moved to the bed and slipped back under the covers. This time, instead of staying on her side, she snuggled into my side and rested her head on my chest. I instinctively went rigid. I knew she felt it. But she didn’t let go. She held on tighter. “This is new for you, huh?”

I gave my body a minute to relax before nodding.

“Why do you think you sleep with so many girls and not take it any further?”

“Who said I sleep with
so
many girls?” I couldn’t help feeling a little embarrassed. Even if it was the truth.

“Well, my aunt might’ve mentioned it.
Then your friend mentioned my expiration date. And I’ve seen—”

“You’ve been spying on me?” I looked down at her coffee-colored waves spread over my chest like they belonged there. It took all my willpower not to tangle my fingers through the soft locks.

Alex smiled into me. “Maybe.”

I rolled onto my side, wrapping my arms around her waist. I couldn’t hold off any longer. It was the first time we’d been this close for an extended period of time. It was the first time the front of her soft body pressed against my chest and I didn’t want to jump out of my skin. It was the first time I seriously considered crashing my mouth down on hers.

When her eyes lifted, a longing I hadn’t expected filled them. How could I not be honest with her after everything she’d shared with me? “I hardly see them.”

Alex’s brows squished together. She had no idea what I was talking about.

“The girls I sleep with,” I clarified. “I hardly see their faces. It’s their bodies I lose myself in for a few minutes, not them.”

“A few minutes, huh?” she teased.

I smirked. “Oh, you want to go there?”

She
shook her head with a snicker.

But the gravity of the conversation sobered me. “Seriously, they’re a place for me to forget what I’ve got going on. They mean nothing.” I could see the sarcasm
in her eyes morph to disappointment. Like she finally saw me for the asshole I was. “Believe me, I’m up front with them. They know when they come over here, that’s all I’ve got to offer.”

“When’ll it stop?”

The question took me aback. I’d never even considered stopping. I’d never had a reason to. “I guess when I finally see her face.”

Alex nodded, seemingly understanding.

But could she ever fully grasp the emptiness? The nothingness? The void within me? It was a black hole.

“Why’d you sign me up for the audition?”

Whoa. Talk about a one-eighty. “Because you wouldn’t have done it yourself.”

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

She cocked her head. “Have you ever signed
up any of your girls for something without them knowing?”

“I just told you, they’re not my girls.” I couldn’t decide if I was frustrated or amused. “And, no. I’ve never signed them up for anything.”

She lifted a brow. “Not even a wet T-shirt contest? Because the ones I’ve seen, definitely seemed the type.”

I choked out a laugh. “Not even a wet T-shirt contest.” Alex had this uncanny way of weaving levity into our conversations
when they became too serious. Like she knew when I got uncomfortable and needed a breather. Like she really knew me. “Seriously, I signed you up because you’re good.”

I could practically see the sarcasm leave her lips. “I believe you called me amazing.”

My gaze dropped to her parted lips, so lush and inviting. “I think you might be right.” We were dangerously close. She knew it and so did I. Her minty breath drifted over my face. She’d used my toothpaste. Had she expected something to happen between us? Had she hoped for it?

I couldn’t stop myself. I inched closer. Her breath hitched in her throat.

Knock. Knock.

“
Fuuuck
,” I groaned, dropping my forehead to hers.

“Expecting someone?”

The way she said
someone
told me she assumed it was a girl. Why wouldn’t she?

But w
hat she didn’t know was whoever lurked outside the door could’ve been so much worse. “Listen.” I pulled back, evening my eyes with hers. “I need to answer this.” For the first time, I cupped her warm face between my hands. Her cheeks felt so damn soft I didn’t want to let go. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have. “Please stay in here. No matter what you hear, do not come out of this room.”

“Hayden, you’re scaring me.”

“
Please
. Just stay in here.” I jumped out of bed and hurried out of the room, closing the door behind me.

I leaned against it, pausing for a long moment. My old life and new life were seriously close to colliding. If I could just keep them separate, things might be okay.

I moved to the front door, wishing I didn’t have to answer it. But my truck was parked in the lot. No big secret I was home.

I checked the peephole, finding exactly who I expected.

I barely opened the door before Remy burst in looking like he hadn’t been to sleep yet. “Dude, where’ve you been? I’ve been calling.” He dropped onto my sofa and opened the pizza box on the coffee table.

“My phone must’ve died.” The truth was, with Alex around, the outside world disappeared. Most girls would break into a chorus of
Awwws
over the sweet notion. But it wasn’t sweet. It was stupid. In my life, losing focus was dangerous. It could get people killed.

It could get
me
killed.

Remy’s eyes assessed my apartment like he hadn’t been in it a hundred times before. “So…” His eyes landed on the two empty glasses on the coffee table.

Shit.

“Have some company last night?”

I shrugged.

His eyes shot to my closed bedroom door, before he flashed me one of his devious grins. “Is she still here?”

“Shut up, man. You know I don’t let ‘em stay.”

Remy stared at me, long and hard. Given the surly look in his narrowed eyes, he questioned my words. Questioned my story. “So, was it Sydney?”

“Nah. Just some bitch. Couldn’t even tell you what she looked like.”

A sly smile slid across his face. “Yeah. What was I thinking? Totally not your style, bro.” He grabbed a slice of cold pizza and bit into it. “So, Cooper called. We got a job tonight.”

I nodded. I didn’t need to know the logistics. Remy took care of that. As long as I drove and supplied backup, I just showed. The less I knew the better.

“I’m on my way to meet the boys for some grub. You in?”

“Got some shit to take care of.”

It may have sounded vague, and most would’ve questioned it, but not Remy. If it didn’t interfere with our job, he didn’t question it. Not seriously, anyway. “Pick me up at Baxter’s around nine. Unless you wanna get hammered with me first.”

I shrugged. “I’ll see how the day turns out.”

He jumped to his feet, grabbing another slice and stuffing it in his mouth on the way to the door. “Later.”

“Later,” I said, locking the door behind him. And only then, with him out of my apartment and away from Alex, did I exhale.

ALEX

Hayden’s bedroom door swung open. Still in his boxers and wrinkled white T-shirt, he stood in the doorway looking down at me nestled in his bed.

“Everything okay?”

He nodded, but his eyes were distant. Troubled. Uneasy.