Until Alex (20 page)

“No more pushing you away,”
he promised. “No more secrets.”

A humorless laugh shot from my lips. I wasn’t sure if I should’ve been ecstatic about his sentiments, or petrified by what brought them on.

HAYDEN

Was she laughing at me? Or the whole ridiculousness of the situation? Once again I’d shown up at her place late at night. This time, after almost being killed.

Classic
.

But I’d been serious. I was done pushing her away. She needed to know. She needed to hear it. Really hear it. The fear I felt when the trigger popped behind my head was more than a wakeup call. It was a bellowing siren.

Alex dropped her hands from mine, avoiding my gaze. “You need to get out of these pants.”

On a normal night her telling me to drop my drawers would’ve been the start of something promising. But not now. Not when everything was so screwed up. Not when she’d ignored the fact that I’d spilled my guts
and
got a tattoo of her likeness.

What the hell had I been thinking? I pushed myself to my feet. “I’m gonna head home.”

Alex jumped up. “No.”

“No?”

She shook her head. “Stay.”

I raised a brow. “You sure about that?”

She nodded. “I need to make sure you’re okay. You might have a concussion.”

For a split second I thought she wanted me with her for the sake of having me there. Not so she could babysit my sorry ass. I didn’t need her pity. I didn’t need anyone’s.

With anger grasping hold of every synapsis in my brain, I turned toward the door. I needed out.

Before I could move, Alex’s small hand slipped into mine. “Come on.” She gave me a little tug, leading me down the dark hallway and into her bedroom. It was amazing how quickly my anger dissipated when it came to Alex. “Hope you don’t mind my small bed.”

The candle on her dresser gave off just enough light for me to see her queen-sized bed. Compared to my king-sized, it was smaller. But that just meant we’d be closer.

I watched
as she pulled back her comforter. It was that awkward moment again, when I wasn’t sure what to do.

As if reading my mind, she glanced over. “Why don’t you get out of those jeans while I use the bathroom.” She walked to her closet and tossed me a towel and a pair of guy’s basketball shorts. Jealousy clutched at my gut. Whose were they? Before I could get too worked up, Alex flashed me a crooked smile and slipped out of the room.

In the aftermath of everything that had gone down, she made me happy. She made me forget the baggage that came with being me. She made me see a future. That was something I’d never done before. And seeing as though less than an hour ago I almost didn’t have a future, I was pretty damn happy to be there.

I struggled out of my wet jeans and boxers and folded them into the towel. I should’ve run home to change before stopping over, but I was too messed up to
even consider it. I just knew I needed to see Alex. She made everything better.

Before she returned and found me in all my glory, I slipped on the dry shorts and slid under the covers. The massive lump on the back of my head throbbed like a son of a bitch against her pillows. No way I’d be able to sleep lying on it, so I turned on my side toward the center of the bed and waited.

The minutes ticked by and Alex hadn’t returned.

Had I misread the entire situation? Did she plan to stay on the sofa?

The more time I lay there alone, the faster the darkness crept in. With each blink of my eyes I saw them. The two men on the floor. The blood. The satisfaction on Remy’s face.

My heart began to race and my palms began to sweat.

What the fuck?

Was I having a panic attack?

The bedroom door pushed opened and a sliver of light crept in. Alex slipped inside with another candle, wearing tiny cotton shorts and a tight tank top. Her eyes met mine for a split second before she moved to the opposite side of the bed.

My heartbeat slowed. How quickly everything else was forgotten whenever she entered a room.

She placed the candle on her nightstand.  Then slipped under the covers and moved closer to me. We lay there eye to eye for a long time, just breathing each other in. Savoring each other’s presence. Savoring the silence.

Alex lifted her hand and ran her fingers through the back of my hair, brushing them lightly over the lump, so gentle and calming, like a mother’s hand on a child. She had the abi
lity to lull me to sleep. But sleep would only lead to more nightmares.

“Feels like it’s gone down a little.”

I nodded, inhaling her just-brushed minty breath.

“Do you want more ice?”

No way I’d let her leave me again. Not with her fingers in my hair. Not with her needing to take care of me. Not with the demons lurking when she left me alone. So I shook my head, careful not to irritate the swelling.

She pulled her hand away, tucking it with the other under her pillow. She looked me straight in the eyes. “What happened?”

I closed my eyes, trying to find the words. I had promised no more secrets. But where did I begin? Where did I end? I wished she would’ve given me a little more time.

Alex sighed. “Never mind.”

My eyes snapped open. “No. I need to do this.”

She stared back at me with doe eyes.

Jesus. She was so damn innocent. In seconds that would all be shattered if I told her the truth. Told her the evil things I was capable of. But I promised. And I intended to keep my promises. “I work for a bookie.”

Alex didn’t even blink. She just nodded, encouraging me to continue.

I blew out a shaky breath. “When he doesn’t get paid, Remy and I are sent to collect his money.”

“Okay. So why the broken ribs and massive lump? Aren’t you any good?”

My lips turned up in the corners. Was she seriously making a joke about it? “I’m okay.”

She arched a brow. “Mediocre?”

“Yeah, mediocre.”

She was trying to make it easier on me. No one had done that in a long time. But I had more to share, so my grin faded.

“These guys we deal with, these guys who don’t pay up, they’re scum. They have no desire to pay. They don’t see the urgency. So, our visits are rarely friendly.”

“Have you ever used a gun?” she asked without blinking.

Way to go right for the heavy stuff, Alex. “I’ve never pulled a trigger.”

“Have you ever seriously hurt someone?”

I nodded.

“How bad?”

“Can I just say bad and leave it at that? At least for tonight?”

She nodded, though the disappointment in her eyes was hard to miss. “What happened tonight?”

I inhaled, letting the giant sigh glide though my nose. “I had a gun aimed at my head. When the guy pulled the trigger, the chamber was either empty or the gun jammed.”

She gasped at the same time her hands flew up and cupped my cheeks. Her fingers shook as they ran over my features,
delicate and slow. She must’ve been thinking the same thing as me.
How the hell are you here right now?

Her fingertips trailed over my skin. From my
unshaven cheeks and chin to my lips, over the scar on the bridge of my nose to my eyes. Memorizing my face in case she never saw it again.

I grasped onto her hands at my cheeks and held them there, loving the feel of her warm touch.
Needing
her touch more than I ever needed anything in my life. “I’m gonna make some changes.”

Sadness flashed in her eyes. “I’ll help you.”

I scoffed. “If it were only that easy.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes, Hayden. I’m serious. You’re worth it. You know that, right? You’re worth it.”

I closed my eyes, feeling tears welling behind my lids. Fucking tears. What was it about this girl that stripped me bare? And how the hell could she make me feel her words? Make me believe they were actually true?

Without another word, she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine sending a warm tremor c
oursing through my cold body. As difficult as it was to do, I dropped my hands to her hips, letting her set the pace.

Her lips glided over mine, sucking and teasing me like we’d done this hundreds of times before. Her tongue licked across the seam of my lips, seeking access. I resisted, wondering how long I could hold off. How long I could be a gentleman.

Within seconds, my lips parted and her tongue slipped inside. The back and forth sweep sent chills up my spine. She had this innocent way of taunting me without realizing she was even doing it. I was done for.

Alex moved closer, her body curving flush against mine. I felt a shiver roll through her as her warm skin pressed to my chilled body. It didn’t stop her, though. Her arms wrapped around my neck. She needed to be closer. Undeterred by the condition she put me in down south, she slipped one of her legs between mine.

I couldn’t take anymore. I rolled her onto her back, loving the feel of her small body squished beneath mine. Staying partially on my side, I hovered over her, running my hand down her side and under her tank. I waited for her to stop me from going any further, but she didn’t. She kept teasing me with her tongue, hungry and greedy, plunging deeper and deeper. It was almost too much.
Almost
.

I pulled back, enough to catch my breath. But it was no use. Both of us panted like dogs. My lips dropped to the soft skin on her neck and that tender spot below her ear. The one that sent her moaning. I licked and nipped and kissed her skin until she let loose a series of adorable little whimpers. Working my way down the front of her neck to the top of her tank top, I continued my assault on her sweet body.

Her delicate fingers grazed lazy figure eights up and down my spine. From the dip above my ass to the tips of my shoulders, warmth radiated in their absence. Moving higher still, they played with the hair at the back of my neck.

I was more than primed to make my descent to the last bit of exposed skin below her neck when she pushed me back.

With ragged breaths and a heaving chest, I rolled onto my side. Had her mind caught up with her body? Had she finally realized I was more trouble than I was worth?

She sat up and stared down at me with heavy-lidded eyes. It wasn’t the look of someone having regrets. It was the look of someone as into what was transpiring as I was.

Alex pulled the hem of her top up over her head, exposing a lacy black bra. My jaw dropped and my body twitched. I all but came undone right there.

She
tossed her shirt to the floor, then pulled me by the shoulders back on top of her. My bare chest met her practically bare chest. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I leaned down and crashed my lips to hers, savoring the sweet minty taste for a long intoxicating moment. Plunging. Circling. Consuming.

I pulled back from her lips and moved down to her neck, inhaling her vanilla scent as she twisted and coiled beneath me. I kissed and sucked the soft skin around her neck before moving my way down. I swirled my tongue and devoured the smooth swells of her breasts. Running my nose between them, I lowered myself to her flat stomach, seriously unable to get enough of her.

When my lips reached the top of her shorts, I contemplated my next move. I knew what I wanted to do. And growing a conscious at that moment wasn’t it.

Un
-fucking-believable.

I’d hate myself in the morning for putting on the brakes, but I’d hate myself even more if my first night with Alex was forever associated with what brought me to her apartment in the first place.

Almost being murdered was no joke. Add to it, two men died at the hand of my best friend. That shit didn’t just go away, no matter how preoccupied my mind was or how much I wanted Alex.

I glanced up from my spot below her naval. She rested on her elbows, her confused eyes locked on mine. I pushed myself up beside her, this time running my fingers over the soft and flawless skin on her face.

“Did I do something wrong?” She sounded nervous. In desperate need of reassurance.

“What? No. You’re perfect.” I leaned over and pressed my lips to hers, lowering her down from her elbows to her back. I kept my pace slow, trying to reassure her through our connection. Through the way we fit together. “I just want to wait until everything’s right.”

“So time’s not on our side?”

I laughed, loving how she never forgot a thing I said.

Her hand slid slowly down my chest, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake. “Something tells me you may be wrong about that.”

As much as I hated admitting it, I’d been wishing Alex would touch me like that for a while. And real life surpassed even my most vivid fantasies.

Shit
. Her hand hadn’t stopped at my shorts. It slid beneath the waistband. I grabbed it with a death grip. “Not tonight, sweetheart.” It took more effort than expected to say the words.

With embarrassment in her eyes, Alex pulled her hand away. “Well, this has got to be a first for you.”