Vengeful Shadows (18 page)

He stared at her ceiling, at the molded, plaster cherubs in the corners. They seemed more malevolent than beatific in the shadows that shrouded the room. The engine of a poorly tuned motorcycle roared through the night. Its headlight careened off the faces of the seraphs to bounce off the mirror. The harsh beam highlighted Tessa’s face, making her appear ghostly.

He pulled her closer and remembered his ex-girlfriend Lisa. He’d never once stayed awake to watch her sleep. He’d never felt the need to comfort or protect her. She’d never needed him, either. Of course, neither did Tessa. She refused to let him farther inside than necessary. Perhaps, she simply didn’t want to become more involved than they already were. After all, this wasn’t real.

He sighed, inhaling her lingering perfume. For the rest of his life, he’d associate regret with Tessa’s unique scent. Regret would always smell like flowers and spice. So would love. Panic flared but vanished just as quickly. He’d fought the idea of love for so long, discomfort had become an automatic response.

He didn’t want to end up like Niko. Devastated and so empty that nothing but a bottle filled him anymore. Zander knew if he walked away from Tessa without exploring the possibilities of what could be, he’d end up just as bitter as his brother.

Merciless questions beat at him, keeping him awake. Long before he could sort out his feelings, dawn brightened the sky, and Tessa’s alarm sounded. She stretched and opened her eyes. Covering herself, she started to scoot away.

“Tess?” he asked, concerned.

She blinked warily as if she couldn’t quite remember why she was there. Bit by bit, awareness filtered across her face, and she relaxed.

This morning, her lack of trust was more evident than ever.

She hit the alarm, rolled onto her stomach and groaned.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Mm-humph,” she muttered into the pillow. “Just tired.” She turned her head and grinned. “But I could be persuaded to wake up.”

Unable to keep from touching her, he trailed his hand over every inch of exposed skin, shoulders, spine and the small of her back. She squirmed, and the sheet inched lower, revealing a small tattoo. If someone asked him five minutes ago if she had a body modification he would have bet his salary against it. How many other surprises did she have in store for him?

The tattoo looked like the one the model had in the photographs at the gallery. He peered closer. It wasn’t just like it. It was the same one.

He’d missed the design in the dark. An intricate, Celtic knotwork design in shades of purple and indigo adorned the base of her backbone. He traced the endless, repeating pattern with his fingertip.

She froze under his touch. Evidently, she realized he’d discovered her secret.

“How come you didn’t tell me?” He regretted the words before he’d finished speaking.

“Tell you what?” Her voice had taken on a hard edge. “About the tattoo?” She paused. “About the pictures?”

He had no answer for her.

“Because it isn’t any of your business, that’s why.”

Lowering his mouth, Zander kissed the inked area. He brushed his lips up her spine, the lightest of caresses. Her body melted then stiffened under his touch.

“Why don’t you trust me?” he asked, unsure what possessed him to further agitate the emotional waters.

Tessa flipped onto her back and drew the sheet up as she turned. “If I didn’t trust you, you wouldn’t be in my bed.”

He pushed up on his elbow and splayed his hand over her belly. “You might trust me enough to sleep with me but not enough to let yourself go.”

Her breath hitched under his palm. The blue of her eyes brightened with irritation. “What do you call last night?”

“I call last night phenomenal.”

“Then what’s your problem?” she demanded.

“My problem is,” he inched the sheet down, exposing the swell of her breasts, “your control issues.” He tugged the fabric, but she held it to her chest.

“I don’t have issues.”

He raised his eyebrows, glancing between her hand and her eyes.

“So what?” she shrugged, but her cheeks flushed, and she looked away. “I like to be on top. Big deal.”

He dropped a kiss in the valley between her breasts. “I think it’s more than that. I think you’re afraid.”

“Just because you’re a criminal psychologist, it doesn’t make you an interpersonal relationship specialist.”

He went on as if she hadn’t spoken. “I think you’re afraid to allow yourself be vulnerable. You can’t give yourself permission to lose control.” Skimming his hand over her bare arm, he smoothed the goose bumps that rushed over her skin.

Turning her face away, she pressed her lips together.

He traced her cheekbone with his thumb. “Who hurt you?”

Her eyes widened, and she met his gaze. “No one.”

An obvious lie but he didn’t ask again. Was it the ex-lover she’d thought she’d seen while at the street fair?

Unable to refrain, he lowered his mouth and took hers in a lazy, lingering kiss. “Let me love you, Tess.”

Chapter Eleven

Let me love you.
Zander’s smoky plea surged through Tessa’s nerves. Her body overrode her brain, and she tangled her fingers in his hair and drew him closer. He created a devastating ache that surpassed any desire she’d ever known.

His lips moved from hers and lapped a fiery path to her ear. He nuzzled the sensitive skin along her neck.

“Will you let me show you?” Barely restrained hunger shadowed his gentle words.

“Show me what?” she breathed.

He pulled back and held her with his gaze. “Trust doesn’t have to mean being dominated.”

He’d hit too close to her hidden fears.

“Why would you think….” Tessa couldn’t finish the rest of her thought. She tried to keep her expression neutral, but something must have shown.

Zander’s gaze softened with concern. “I won’t hurt you.” He didn’t look away but watched as if he had forever to wait.

Forever
. The word knifed through her. That was one thing they didn’t have. This was a temporary relationship built on lies. It would be stupid to pretend it was anything more than a short-term fling.

“Why is it so important to you?”

“You’re important to me.” His eyes shone with fierce intensity.

Tessa framed his face with her hands, touched by his wish to help her. “Kiss me.”

All coherent thought dissolved in an ocean of sensation. His whispered words heightened her sense of need, but the vulnerability still lingered. She wanted to release her fear, to let it go, to be rid of it forever. She wanted it more than anything. She wanted it with Zander. But it wasn’t going to happen. Not now. Maybe not ever.

They lay naked, not even separated by the sheet. But there were so many layers of lies and half-truths between them. So much isolation and fear she wasn’t sure her arms were long enough to reach him.

He pressed her against the mattress. She lay still for a moment, but old panic pushed forward, suffocating her. She shoved at his shoulders, desperate for space.

Zander rolled to his side. Uncertainty shadowed his eyes and slowed his movement. His hand hovered near her face then dropped to the bed between them.

Able to breathe normally again, she pushed herself up on her elbow and ducked her head. Tears of shame and disappointment pricked her eyelids. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He ran his fingers over her hair. His eyes, full of something that looked suspiciously like sympathy, sought hers. The last thing she wanted from him was pity.

She focused instead on the warm, muscled expanse of his chest and dragged her fingertips through the bronze-colored curls. His nipples puckered at her touch.

Tessa had seen plenty of nude men over the years, but none of them had ever looked like Zander. Long, delineated muscles and the sculptured curve of his hipbone beckoned her in the low light. Beyond the ability to curb impulse, she scored the inside of his thigh with her short nails and sifted through the light dusting of hair. His cock jutted forward as if seeking her warmth.

Desire replaced every other emotion. She inched closer, unsure of her reception. Would he still want her after she’d pushed him away? Maybe, he thought she was too crazy to bother with. Maybe he regretted sleeping with her in the first place. She swallowed her anxiety and met his gaze.

Zander glanced at the hand resting on his thigh then at her face. A flutter tingled through Tessa’s belly as hunger darkened his eyes. Emboldened, she trailed her fingers through the swirls of hair covering his stomach. His breath released in a shiver that shuddered through her. He didn’t touch her, but his expression sent lust burning through her blood.

Her hand glanced over the tip of his rigid arousal. It twitched under her fingers, pre-cum coating her skin. Air hissed through his gritted teeth, but he seemed reluctant to make the first move. She leaned into him and brushed her lips across his. He held himself motionless as if wary of startling the innocent virgin. If he only knew. Her innocence had been shattered the morning after she’d given
him
her virginity.

She kissed Zander again. This time he responded. His mouth moved over hers with a voraciousness that surprised her but he otherwise stayed still. Well, nearly still. His tongue thrust rhythmically into her mouth, reminiscent of his hips pounding upward. Her inner muscles clenched at the memory of Zander embedded inside her.

She’d wanted it to be different. She wanted him to be the one who erased the memories she couldn’t forget. But hadn’t she just proved that would never happen? She kissed him harder, willing away the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.

For a moment, she pulled back and looked at him. His chestnut hair was a mess, and his body was taut with desire. He’d gripped her sheets in an effort to keep from touching her, she guessed.

She could have cried. He was protecting her. He held back, keeping his emotions and body in check, while she wanted nothing more than to dive headlong into mindless gratification. If she did, she’d be using Zander as surely as she’d used every guy following the assault.

“Talk to me, Tess.” His eyes darkened with heat as he twisted the sheets around his fists.

Oh no. She wasn’t going there. No talking for Tessa. Instead, she lunged at him and kissed him. She sensed him raising his hands toward her, but just as quickly, he pushed them back to the mattress.

She’d never wanted another man’s touch as she did Zander’s. He made her want to be vulnerable. He made her want a happy ending. He made her want him. Damn it. It was enough to make her run, but she was tired of running. Running and never getting anywhere. Until he figured out what a freak she was, she’d allow Zander to be her destination.

Unable to answer or even acknowledge the questions she saw in his eyes, she closed hers. He didn’t push her, just took what she offered. After he sheathed himself, she settled over him and risked a peek at his face.

He watched her, desire warring with the concern in his eyes. He wanted her. He wanted answers too, but he wouldn’t be getting them. She held his gaze as she hovered above his straining erection.

“Give me your hands,” she murmured.

Confused, he complied.

She settled his hands over her hips and held them there. “Guide me.”

She wanted to give him so much more, but his expression softened as if he understood what she offered. Still watching his face, she took him into her body. Eyes closed, he pushed deep inside her. He sucked his breath through his teeth, a harsh inhalation.

Heated satisfaction spread through her like warm honey. He filled her as no one else had ever come close to doing, and it wasn’t merely his size. Again, the feeling of being at home in his arms overtook her. And again, she pushed it aside, choosing instead to concentrate on the physical.

His hands tightened on her hips. Focusing on his face, she caught his rhythm.

“God, Tessa,” he groaned as he fit her more tightly to him. “I—” Unable to speak, he thrust harder.

She couldn’t look away, his smoldering gaze held her captive. Willingly captive, she realized. With a start, she became conscious that she truly had fallen in love with him. Wonder at the insight took her breath away. Lust and fear and capitulation coalesced into a tremor that started in her womb and spiraled outward into a shattering release. He cried out her name as he followed her over the edge of bliss.

Clinging to each other, they panted with exertion as they drifted into awareness of their bodies and each other.

Zander kissed her temple and hugged her close. “How about if we call in sick today?”

“I can’t,” she answered automatically. “I’ve got a shift at the shelter and the library.”

He smiled ruefully. She almost recanted and told him they could spend the day doing whatever he wanted.

What was she doing? Besides setting herself up for a broken heart. Falling in love with Zander had to be one of the most idiotic things she’d ever done. Now, instead of only being alone, she’d be alone and miserable. That was just what she needed.

Maybe she was over-reacting. It was silly to think she might be falling in love with her friend. This was likely the stress of the stalker combined with the overwhelming sense of security she felt with Zander. Toss great sex into the mix, and it was a recipe for mistaken feelings.

This was why she liked books. Books weren’t complicated—at least, not in the way that Zander was. Of course, books didn’t kiss her and call her angel. They didn’t stare at her with that reckless heat, either.

Pounding on her front door pulled them apart. She glanced at the clock and groaned.

“Are you expecting someone?” he asked.

“Cat. Today’s the day we workout.”

He grinned and playfully kissed her neck. “You could tell her you’ve already worked out and come back to bed.”

Tempting. It was oh so tempting. She wanted as much of him as she could get before their lives spiraled apart. But she also needed to be realistic. Set some boundaries.

“You have to work today,” she reminded him.

He peered around her shoulder and checked the time. “And I’m going to be late.”