What the Heart Desires (Contemporary Erotic Romance) (15 page)

Kimberly dabbed tears from her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.  “I was confused,” she confessed. 
Garrett looked like he wasn’t buying what she was trying to sell, so she elaborated.

“I didn’t know what – or who – I wanted.  Felix was my first serious relationship ever.  You were only the second guy I’d ever been with.  I wasn’t experienced with love…I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like.  I guess that’s why I ended up acting like a fickle teenager while I was trying to make sense of everything. 
I’m so sorry I’ve ended up hurting people in the process.”

“There’s no point dwelling on the past,”
Garrett advised with wisdom beyond his years.  She couldn’t imagine what he’d experienced as a child.

“Where do we go from here?” Kimberly asked timidly
, afraid of the answer.

“Well the kid may or may not be mine, right?”

Kimberly nodded sadly, hoping that somehow, despite the unusual circumstances, she and Garrett would have a happily ever after movie ending.  She could practically hear the music playing in the background as he took her into his arms and the credits rolled.

Of course, real life was never like that.

“So let me know when you find out,” Garrett instructed matter-of-factly.

“What?” Kimberly could hardly believe her ears.  “That’s it?  You don’t want to see me or talk to me in the meantime?”

Garrett’s eyes were cold.  “This isn’t about us, Kimberly.”  It was the first time he’d called her Kimberly instead of Kimmy and it sounded like nails on a chalkboard to her.  As much as she’d loathed his nickname for her in the past, now she missed it. 

“But…”

“Even if it
were
about us, you chose him over me,” Garrett pointed out, his face expressionless and his tone cordial and slightly formal, as though he was speaking to a stranger.

“I made a mistake,” Kimberly tried to explain, but
Garrett wasn’t interested in listening.

“I’m not going to wait around while you flit back and forth between guys like some fucking high school freshman,” he informed her.  “What, I should put myself out there now so you can change your mind about me a week or a month from now?  Forget it.  I should go.”

“Wait!”

“Goodbye, Kimberly.”

~~~

After
Garrett stormed out, Kimberly went straight to bed.  Of course, she didn’t sleep a wink.  Instead, she sobbed into her pillow on and off all night, angry with herself for all the poor decisions she’d made. 

She didn’t know why or how she’d allowed herself to become entangled in a love triangle.  At the time, things had seemed so confusing and she’d had difficulty discerning which man was right for her.  Now, everything seemed so much clearer.  Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.

Felix was a Nice Guy.  In fact, one would be hard pressed to find a guy nicer than Felix.  But that didn’t mean he was the right one for her.  He’d always hold a special place in Kimberly’s heart; after all, he’d been her first.  But now that she’d gotten a taste of the excitement and passion Garrett elicited, there was no going back.  He was like a drug – and she was addicted.

She hated the way he’d left.

In the uproar, she completely forgot to go check on the pregnancy test results.  The three slim white plastic contraptions sat on the edge of the bathtub all lined up in a row.  It wasn’t until she stumbled into the bathroom in the morning feeling like she’d been beaten half to death that she remembered them.

Kimberly stood in the doorway staring at them. 

Crazy, desperate thoughts swirled through her mind.  If the baby was Garrett’s, he’d be a part of her life forever.  Maybe, just maybe, she could win back his trust and make him open up to her.  Maybe they could become a couple after all.

Idealistic, sappy thoughts of she and
Garrett walking down the street together pushing a baby stroller ran wild.  She’d begun to doubt that he had a tender side, but she’d caught a glimpse of it last night.  It was there – he was just guarded.  She so desperately wanted to break down his walls.  She wanted to be the person he could confide in.  She wanted him to know she’d never do anything to hurt him and she’d certainly never abandon him like everyone else in his life had.

Maybe the pregnancy was Fate’s way of intervening, of bringing them back together.  Stranger things had happened, right?

Feeling cautiously optimistic, Kimberly approached the pregnancy tests.  Then, abruptly, she took a step back, bumping into the sink in the process. 

All three of the tests
indicated she was
not
pregnant.

Kimberly felt foolish.  She wasn’t normally one to jump to conclusions, but she’d honestly believed she was pregnant.  She suspected she’d worked herself up so much that the stress had caused her period to be even later. 

When she finally did get it, it was bittersweet.

Felix seemed to sense something was wrong.  “You seem distant lately,” he said one night while they were talking on the phone before bed.  “Is everything alright?” 

“Yeah,” Kimberly said.  Then she reminded herself that she needed to be completely, totally honest with Felix from now on.  Although technically she’d never lied to him, she felt like perhaps she had inadvertently lied by omission.  Never again would she do that.  Felix deserved better than that.  “I had a pregnancy scare,” she confessed.

“Wow.”  She could tell Felix was processing the news in his typical methodical fashion.  “Wow!” 

“Don’t worry,” Kimberly said quickly.  “I’m not pregnant.  It was a false alarm.”

“Oh,” Felix replied.  “That’s too bad.  I mean, the timing wouldn’t have been the greatest, that’s for sure.  But I’ve always wanted to be a dad.  I guess we have lots of time for that though, right?”

“Yeah,” Kimberly sighed.  “Felix, are you sure you want to leave your position at the university?  You’ve worked so hard for so long and it just isn’t right for you to sacrifice it all to be here with me.”

“Well I’m not thrilled about leaving,” Felix conceded, “but we’ve already talked about this.  You can’t do your job anywhere else – the opportunity is there and only there.  So what other choice do we have, right?”

Kimberly’s mouth was suddenly dry.  It felt like her tongue had turned to cotton.  “We could call it off,” she said softly, her tone almost apologetic. 

Felix went quiet.  “Is there someone else?” he finally asked.

“No,” Kimberly said.  “There was – while we were taking a break – but right now, no.  I just think…I think you deserve the world.  But what you want and what I want are different, Felix.  I didn’t realize that at first.  In the beginning, I don’t think I even fully understood what I wanted.  But now…now I see just how different we are.  I don’t want the simple, perfect white picket fence life I know you dream about.  I want passion and fire and someone who will fight with me and drive me crazy and challenge me.  I want…things you can’t give me.”

“I don’t understand.  Have I done something…?”

“No!” Kimberly was quick to reassure him.  “You’ve been wonderful.  You
are
wonderful.  It’s just…a million little incompatibilities.  A person can overlook one or two but after a while they start to add up, you know?  Like…you like to stay in and that’s fine.  But sometimes I like to go out.  You like routine and structure.  I thought I did too, but I’m finding I prefer surprises and excitement.  You like sweet, gentle lovemaking and there’s
nothing
wrong with that but sometimes I –”

“All right,” Felix interrupted.  “I think I get the point.”

“Okay.”

Felix said nothing for a long time.  In fact, Kimberly started to wonder if he was still there on the other end.  Finally, he spoke.

“I guess it’s a good thing this happened before I turned in my resignation,” he sighed.

“Felix?”

“Yes?”

“For what it’s worth,” Kimberly said, choking back tears, “I really am sorry.”

“So am I.”

~~~

Kimberly mailed the promise ring back to Felix.  After much deliberation, she also included a brief handwritten note that simply said:  “All the best, Kimberly.” 

Dropping the package off at the post office was both difficult and liberating.  She felt a twinge of nostalgia as she thought of the good times she and Felix had shared.  Even so, she knew she was doing the right thing.  She cared about Felix deeply but she knew he wasn’t The One; it wasn’t fair to keep stringing him along.

She knew that the best thing for them both was a clean break.

Six months went by. 

Kimberly finished updating her credentials and settled into her new and exciting career.  She was glad she’d made the move; what she did now was so much more rewarding and engaging than her work in the dingy, dungeon-like hospital lab. 

It was difficult to believe it had been six months since she’d seen
Garrett.  In some ways, it seemed like it was just yesterday.  In others, it felt like she hadn’t seen him in years and years. 

In those six months, Kimberly had contemplated contacting
Garrett approximately five million times.  That was a conservative estimate.  A few times she’d even picked up the phone and begun to dial his number before abruptly hanging up. 

She didn’t think he’d want to hear from her and she couldn’t blame him.

Jane urged Kimberly to get back into the dating scene.  She said it would help take Kimberly’s mind off of Garrett.  Kimberly, however, just couldn’t get into it.  She didn’t want to “date” – she wanted to be with Garrett.

Even Jane was out of the dating scene.  Gone was the promiscuous party girl Kimberly had always laughed and shook her head at.  Now, Jane was engaged and living with the love of her life.  It was remarkable, sometimes, the extent to which people could change. 

Jane’s wedding was set for August.  Kimberly, of course, was the maid of honor.  She genuinely wanted to be happy for her best friend – and she was – but it was difficult to celebrate Jane’s good news when it only reminded Kimberly of what might have been with Garrett.

Weekends felt long and lonely in the city – they were a constant reminder of quirky restaurants and sex-filled trysts at
Garrett’s hotel. 

One night in her darkest hour, Kimberly even called the hotel and asked for
Garrett’s room with the intention of hanging up as soon as the call was transferred.  For some reason, she just wanted affirmation that he was still in the city.  She supposed that in a way, it would make her feel closer to him.

Instead, s
he was informed he’d checked out.

Kimberly tried to distract herself as best she could.  She threw herself into helping Jane with the wedding planning.  She searched for venues online, ordered ridiculous phallic party favors for the bachelorette party and helped select centerpieces. 

She made frequent trips to see Jane, as well.  She attended the dress fitting where she oohed and ahhed as is expected of the maid of honor.  She helped Jane pick out sexy yet tasteful lingerie for the wedding night.  She even assisted in making travel plans for the honeymoon to Jamaica. 

It felt good to help make Jane’s wedding a special, happy occasion.  Kimberly knew Jane appreciated everything she was doing.  But a part of Kimberly wished she could be planning her own wedding instead.  She missed
Garrett so much. 

One night after a long day of cake-tasting
with the glowing bride-to-be, Kimberly even went to the Thai restaurant.  She was stuffed and didn’t particularly feel like a big meal no matter how tasty the food was.  She just hoped that maybe, just maybe, she’d run into Garrett there.  After all, it had happened twice already – third time’s a charm, right?

Of course,
Garrett wasn’t there.  Kimberly wound up sitting in a booth at the back of the restaurant staring wistfully at the bar while she recalled happier times.  Her heart was heavy and her entire being ached.

“Just call him,” Jane said when Kimberl
y finally returned to the house with a doggie bag from the Thai restaurant.

“Call who?” Kimberly asked, feigning confusion.

“Oh you know damn well who,” Jane retorted, cutting right to the chase in the way only Jane could.  “It’s been six months.  If you’re still not over him then you either need to call him or get your ass to a therapist.  I say that with love,” she added, flashing an impish grin. 

“I’m sure you do,” Kimberly agreed, “but it isn’t that simple.”

“Sure it is.”

Kimberly smiled despite herself.  Jane’s stubbornness and overly simplistic approach to life reminded her of
Garrett.  “If you say so,” she relented.  “Anyway, I’m exhausted.  I’m going to bed.  Goodnight.”

“I worry about you,” Jane said.

“Don’t,” Kimberly fibbed, forcing a smile.  “I’m fine.”

The wedding was beautiful.  Jane looked gorgeous in her white lace gown and happier than Kimberly had ever seen her.  Kimberly felt tears well up in her eyes as the bride and groom read their vows, but she managed to hold it together until the lovely outdoor ceremony was over.