What to Expect the Toddler Years (154 page)

If the negativity and the fits of temper don’t lessen some in the months ahead, talk to your toddler’s doctor. It may be time for some extra support from outside the family.

“I remember I always chewed ice as a kid, and I never thought twice about it. Now my daughter is doing it, and I’m wondering if it can hurt her teeth.”

From generation to generation, certain pursuits have been favorites with kids. Unfortunately, some that were once considered completely harmless are now known to be potentially harmful. Like playing unprotected all day in the sun, shaking salt on the back of your hand and licking it off, riding a bike barefooted and bareheaded—and chewing ice.

Though a tantalizing sensation (even for many adults), ice chewing can damage the teeth, especially if the teeth are already more vulnerable from fillings. If ice chewing causes a crack in the tooth, nerve damage can result that may require root canal work. Because ice can also be a choking hazard, don’t even allow your unsupervised toddler to suck on a cube.

Since ice in the bottom of a glass cries out to be chewed, avoid serving ice to your toddler (or to anyone else, when your toddler’s around, if she’s likely to seek out a cube from someone else’s glass). In restaurants, specify “no ice” before the water is poured or when ordering beverages. If, despite your efforts, your toddler does get her teeth into ice, let her know that she’s got to give it up, explaining that the ice can damage her teeth.

“My son made a friend at preschool whom he always wants to play with. But I’m not crazy about this child. He’s destructive, and I don’t think he’s a good influence.”

You always swore you’d never interfere in your children’s social lives the way your parents did in yours, that you’d let them choose their own friends, whether you liked them or not. And then the inevitable happens—your child chooses a friend you don’t like, one whose bad habits you’re afraid he’ll pick up.

What’s an enlightened parent to do? First of all, relax. Influences in the home and inborn personality and temperament have far more impact in the long run on your child’s behavior than a peer’s example. A destructive, wild friend may step up your child’s aggressions temporarily, but not permanently—particularly if you provide a calm, nonviolent atmosphere at home.

And second of all,
do
interfere—but just a little. Don’t forbid your child to see this objectionable friend; it would probably only make him more determined to pal around with the kid. (You can’t keep them from each other at school, anyway.) But do try expanding your child’s social horizons a little. Speak to his teacher (not in front of him) about your concerns, and ask that he or she suggest another child in the class who might make a compatible playmate. The teacher can test out the chemistry during the school day by casually sitting them together at lunch or teaming them up on a project; if the results are positive, you can suggest a play date.

If your son nevertheless continues to want to play with his “wild and crazy” friend, let him—some kids really enjoy the excitement of playing with a live wire. But carefully supervise their play, and plan organized activities when you can. An overly active child often calms down dramatically when engaged in listening to a story, making a collage, or challenged by a game. And don’t hesitate to nip in the bud any behavior you don’t approve of or don’t feel is safe.

If the child is actually destructive or physically aggressive (hitting, biting, kicking, and so on), let him know that such behavior is not acceptable in your home, that if he wants to come back and play, he will have to behave. Explain this to your child, too, so that he can encourage his friend’s compliance. If the warning doesn’t work, speak to the child’s parents and ask if they have any suggestions. Perhaps one of them or a caregiver could come along on play dates until the behavior improves. If the parents aren’t cooperative, you have no choice but to bring an end to the play dates until the child’s behavior improves.

“My son is so forgetful. When I ask him what he did at preschool or at his friend’s house, he forgets. When I ask him not to walk across the floor I just mopped, he forgets. Why can’t he remember anything?”

Because he’s a toddler. Unlike young babies, toddlers do have the ability to store information and experiences in their memory banks. The trouble comes when it’s time to make a withdrawal—even when the facts are on file, toddlers often have difficulty retrieving them. Part of the reason is inexperience in retelling experiences. And part is what might be called the “absent-minded professor” syndrome—with his mind so cluttered with “important stuff,” the toddler often has no time to focus on the minutiae. He thinks, for example, about the toy at the other side of the room (important to him) and forgets that you said not to walk on the wet floor (important only to you).

As your child grows, so will his powers of recollection. He’ll be able not only to remember what he did at school or at his friend’s house, but to readily reel off an account of his daily activities as well as countless (and sometimes endless) anecdotes; he’ll be able not only to remember that the floor is wet, but how unhappy you get when he tracks muddy footprints across a wet floor.

The more exercise a memory gets, the more facile it becomes. If you’d like to speed your toddler’s memory development, regular workouts will help (but
remember
not to take these too seriously; never scold or show frustration with your toddler for not remembering):

Play memory games. Take three different objects, line them up in a row, instruct your toddler to take a good look at where each one is, then cover them up, and then ask if he can remember their location. Or show your toddler three picture cards (make them by gluing magazine or catalog photos on cardboard), then turn them over and see if he can remember the pictures. Or try to recall the names of all the children in his play group (or class) or the names of his cousins.

Remember together. After a visit to the park, sit down together and reminisce about what you saw and did. If your toddler can’t seem to remember, refresh his memory (“Do you remember what we saw in the park today? Did we see a squirrel? And what else? Did we see a boy feeding the ducks?”). Prompting him in this way should help get his recollective juices flowing; if it doesn’t, do the remembering for him this time—chances are that next time he’ll be able to do some recalling of his own. Don’t be surprised if what your son remembers isn’t the memory you were aiming for (after a boat ride around the harbor he may recall what kind of sandwich he ate rather than the seagull he saw diving for fish).

Recall the day. Make it routine for family members to share the day’s events at dinnertime or bedtime, or both. Not only will this replaying of the day sharpen your child’s memory skills, but it will become a comforting and cherished tradition.

Ask memory-jarring questions. Eliciting information from a toddler is rarely easy, but it’s particularly tough if you ask the wrong kinds of questions. Presented with such overwhelmingly broad inquiries as “What did you do in school today?” a toddler’s response is likely to be a shrugged “I dunno.” Ask, instead, questions that are specific and geared to shift his memory into playback: “Did you make something in the block corner today?” “Did you paint?” “Who was your partner when you went to the park?” “What did you have for snack?” Try prompting him (“Did you have apple and graham crackers?”), but if he still seems reluctant to part with information about his day or doesn’t seem in the mood to talk, don’t push him.

Give memorable instructions—and give them as often as necessary. Toddlers don’t have as much storage space in their memories as older children do. Until their
capacity and concentration increases, they often legitimately “forget” what they’re told to do or not do. Just because you tell your child the floor’s wet does-n’t mean he’s going to remember not to walk across it—even five minutes after you’ve told him—especially if he’s gotten involved in a game and he needs the stuffed dog that’s across the wet floor. At his age, focusing attention on more than one thing at a time is difficult, and getting distracted is easy. So repeat instructions regularly, and try to be tolerant when he continues to forget to follow them. Limit your directives to no more than one or two at a time, and keep them simple and specific (“Please pick up your book and put it on the table,” rather than “Please pick up your toys, put your clothes away, and come in for dinner”) to increase the chances that he’ll remember to do as you ask. (Keep in mind, however, that your toddler may refuse to do what you want him to do no matter how clearly you spell it out—which is another issue entirely; see page 413.)

Use reminder props. For example, post a do-not-walk-on-the-wet-floor sign when you’ve washed the floor (paint a bright red line across a picture of a pair of sneakers, clipped from a magazine or hand-drawn on poster paper).