What We Learned Along the Way (31 page)

Thanks for the money for the babies. It
really comes in handy. Even if Mariam is never able to forgive me,
the fact that she even tried is enough for me. I thought you might
want to see the kids, so here is a picture. They’re almost a year
old. I sent this to you because I don’t know if Mariam would want
to see them, and I completely understand. I don’t even know if you
want to see them, and I understand that too. If either of you is
interested, the picture is attached. If not, just delete it. Either
way, thanks.

Rashad read the message twice. He did want to
see the children, his children, but he didn’t know if he should. He
and Mariam were really close to getting their relationship back on
track. Seeing the babies might derail them. He decided to show
Mariam the message and let her decide if they should look. He
wanted her to know she could trust him. He couldn’t afford to keep
this from her.

“So, what do you think?” he asked from over
her shoulder after she read the message.

“I don’t know. I mean, I kind of want to see
them. Like it or not, they’re your children. Wow, I guess that
makes them my step children. I never really thought of it that way.
Still, I don’t know if I can handle seeing them, knowing—” She
didn’t finish her sentence, and Rashad didn’t want her to.

“Let’s just delete it.” He reached for the
phone, but she moved it out of his grasp.

“Wait, wait, let’s not be so hasty. We can’t
spend our lives running from these kids. They’re here now. I think
we should look.”

“Are you sure? I just want you to be
comfortable, to be okay.”

She thought for a second before she answered.
“I’m sure.” She clicked on the picture icon and waited for it to
load. Hours passed, or so it seemed. Finally, it was complete. She
squinted to make out the image. “What is that?” she asked. She was
starring a black, blurry blob. Rashad took the phone and looked at
the picture. He scrolled down and saw that the black mass was hair.
The picture was too big for the small screen.

“I’ll have to email it to myself, so we can
see it on the computer. You’re sure you still want to look?” He
asked one last time before he opened the picture on a bigger
screen.

“I’m sure.”

The picture loaded on the screen and looked a
lot different than it had on the cell phone. Two chubby babies,
dressed in matching red outfits, sat on a dark brown sofa. They
looked just alike, but the boy wore a baseball cap that read “Lil’
Slugger” and the girl wore a cute headband with a flower on the
left side, her soft curly hair spilling over the top. Their gummy
smiles had a few teeth sprinkled in. A small caption at the bottom
provided descriptive information. “Hayyat and Joseph, 10 months
old,” it read.

The two of them just stared at the picture.
Mariam finally broke the silence. “Aww, they’re cute.”

“I guess they are pretty cute,” Rashad added.
He felt weird staring into faces that were miniature versions of
his own, especially Hayyat’s. Her big saucer-like eyes provided
more proof than any DNA test ever could. There was no denying it.
Mariam noticed the date on the bottom of picture. If it was
correct, it meant the picture was taken more than a month ago.

“They should have a birthday coming up some
time soon,” she concluded.

“June 7th,” he said quietly, eyes still fixed
on the screen. Mariam was shocked. She didn’t know he knew their
birthday. She didn’t know how she felt about that, him seeming
attached to the babies. But shouldn’t a father be attached to his
children, even if the circumstances are undesirable? Mariam felt
conflicted. She stood up and went into the bedroom to watch TV.

“What’s wrong?” Rashad asked when he came
into the room.

“Nothing. I just wanted to watch some
TV.”

“You’re watching TV with your face in the
pillow?”

“I’m listening,” she said, her face still
buried.

“See, I knew we shouldn’t have looked at that
picture. I’m sorry. I know that was hard to see.”

“No, it’s okay.” She tried to blink out all
her tears into the pillow before she lifted her head. “Really, it’s
fine,” she lied. He lay down beside her. They were silent for a
moment. “I was thinking. They’ll be turning one in two weeks. You
should go see them.”

“What? Okay, now you’re talking crazy.”

“I’m serious. That’s good you send the money,
but that doesn’t compensate for the fact that they’re going to grow
up without you. The least you could do is show up on their first
birthday.”

“Okay, who are you and what have you done
with my wife, the woman that was about to divorce me because of
these kids?”

“It was never about the kids. You know that.
They haven’t done a thing to me.”

“You know what I mean. We’ve already agreed
that Jaime and Joseph will raise them and I’ll help out
financially. Joseph’s a great guy. I’m sure he’s all the dad
they’ll ever need. I just don’t want to complicate this any
further. It would be weird.”

“It’s already weird, Rashad. This whole
situation is weird. Some people would consider the fact that I’m
staying with you weird. I just want this to be done right. I don’t
want our marriage to be haunted by this big secret, this huge
invisible presence. What about when we have kids? Are they not
going to know about their half brother and sister? Will they not
get a chance to play together? If I’m going to do this, and I’ve
already decided that I am, then I want to make sure it’s done
right.” She wasn’t sure about what she was saying, but it felt like
the right thing to say.

Rashad smiled. To hear that she was planning
on having children with him gave him hope. She really was going to
stay. “So, you’re serious? You want me to go see them?”

“Oh, no, dear. I want us to go see them.
You’re not going anywhere by yourself.” She said it with an
attitude, but the little laugh she let out afterwards put him back
at ease. Mariam lay there next to Rashad, thinking about what it
would be like for all of them to be together—the babies, the three
parents, and her, still wondering where she fits in it all.

“You guys want to visit for their birthday?”
Jaime repeated into the phone to make sure she was hearing
correctly.

“We thought it would be nice for us all to
spend a little time together for the kids, you know?” Mariam said,
trying not to sound as unsure as she really was.

“Uh, sure. If you’re okay with it, I am. And
you’re sure you’re ready for this? ”

“I think so. I’ve thought about it a
lot.”

“Okay, wow, I can’t believe this is
happening. Let us know when you’re flight gets in so we can pick
you up at the airport. Do you need a place to stay?”

“No, we’ll handle everything. Don’t worry
about picking us up at the airport. We’ll rent a car, and we’ll
find a cheap hotel. Just email me your address.”

“Well, in that case, we’ll see you on the
7th.” Jaime hung up the phone and went over the conversation in her
head. She couldn’t believe that Mariam was actually going to be in
her house. She thought about the last time Mariam came to her
house, and she got uneasy.
Surely this isn’t another trick?
She rubbed her neck and tried not to relive the attack. Even if it
was, it was a risk she’d have to take. In her excitement, she
forgot to ask Joseph how he felt about the visit. Accepting money
from Rashad was one thing, but having him there in the house was
something completely different. She didn’t know if he’d be up for
it.

To her surprise, he was very receptive to the
idea. “Wow, they really want to come? Mariam too? This is big.”

“You’re okay with Rashad coming? It doesn’t
bother you at all?” She knew she had married a good man, but she
had no idea he was this good.

“Honestly, I do feel a little uneasy, but I
know how much it means for you to be able to see Mariam, and the
kids deserve the right to see their biological dad.” Jaime hugged
Joseph and gave him a huge kiss.

“Thank you so much. You’re the best.”

“My dad was adopted. When he turned 14, he
wanted to look for his biological parents but his dad wouldn’t
allow it. I guess my grandfather was scared that, when it came down
to it, my father would choose blood over government paperwork. Once
he was old enough to look for them on his own, they were already
dead. My dad has always resented my grandfather for that. He said
he feels like there’s a whole part of himself he knows nothing
about. I don’t want them to grow up resenting me.”

Jaime had a look of awe on her face. “I
didn’t know your dad was adopted. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Everything comes out in due time, my dear.
There’s always more for us to learn about each other.” Jaime
smiled. She couldn’t believe she was married to this man.

On the day of the party, Jaime was excited
and scared at the same time. “Should they wear the green outfits,
or the new yellow ones I just got? Hayyat loves yellow, but Joseph
looks so adorable in his green. I can’t decide. Maybe I’ll just put
them both in red. What do you think?” Jaime had been running around
like a chicken with her head cut off all morning.

“Honey, relax. Why don’t you just put him in
green and her in yellow? Problem solved. And how do you know Hayyat
likes yellow? Did she tell you that?”

“Because whenever I put yellow on her, her
face lights up and she starts dancing around.” Joseph laughed. Ever
since they were born, Jaime swore up and down that they had
preferences on adult things. He thought of the time when they were
6 months old and she couldn’t decide how to decorate their room
because, according to her, Hayyat wanted wallpaper and Joseph
wanted paint.

“They’re going to be cute no matter how you
dress them. Just put something on them. It’s not that big of a
deal,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her.

“I just want everything to be perfect,” she
said softly.

Rashad and Mariam arrived at 4 o’clock, just
like they said they would. “There’s no turning back,” Mariam said
as they stood in front of apartment 432. She squeezed her husband’s
hand.

“Let’s do this.” He took a deep breath and
rang the doorbell. Joseph answered.

“As salaam alaikum, Rashad.” He gave him a
hug, which caught Rashad off guard. “As salaam alaikum, Mariam.” He
smiled and then quickly lowered his gaze. “Come on in. Jaime’s in
the back. I’ll get her.”

Mariam and Rashad sat on the sofa and looked
around. The apartment looked like it could easily be on the cover
of Muslim Living, if there were such a magazine. The walls were
covered with framed Arabic calligraphy, Ayatul Kursi on one wall,
Al-Fatiha on another. A bookshelf overflowed with Islamic books.
Two Quran’s were cradled in a wooden holder on the mantel, one
English, one Arabic. Two prayer rugs were in the corner, one in
front of the other. They reminded Mariam of how she and Rashad
weren’t praying together anymore. They used to when they first got
married, but when everything fell apart, the praying went with it.
Now Mariam made her prayers on her own. She assumed Rashad did the
same. They were both so busy with work that they didn’t see too
much of each other during the day. She only hoped that he was
praying as hard for their marriage as she was.

Jaime walked into the living room. The twins
crawled behind her. Hayyat had on a yellow dress and Joseph a green
jumper. Jaime had on a yellow and green floor length dress with
matching hijab. Mariam couldn’t believe Jaime looked this good
after having twins. The last time she saw her, her belly was still
protruding some and her face was a little chubby. Now she looked as
gorgeous as ever. A pang of jealousy shot through Mariam for a
second. She hid it well.

“Salaam, Jaime.”

“Salaam, Mariam.” Mariam stood up and walked
toward her with her arms outstretched. She gave Jaime a hug, the
same type people give relatives they’re not that close to. There
was no feeling or emotion behind it, just a meaningless social
gesture. Meaning or not, it was still a hug, and Jaime was happy to
get it. “This is Hayyat and this is Joseph,” Jaime said. Mariam got
down on their level and introduced herself.

“Hey guys, I’m Mariam. Happy birthday.” The
two children began to cry. They could feel the tension that
everyone else was trying to deny. Mariam stood up and walked
quickly back to the sofa.

“They’re probably still tired. I woke them up
from a nap,” Jaime explained quickly. She picked up one and Joseph
got the other. Rashad sat on the sofa and tried to disappear into
the back of the cushion.
Maybe this was a bad idea
.

“Salaam, Rashad.” Jaime tried to be
cordial.

“Salaam, Jaime. Where is your bathroom?” He
had to get out of that room.

“There on the left,” she answered, pointing
him in the right direction.

Just as she had expected, the children were
sleepy. They had both fallen asleep in their parents’ arms in a few
minutes. After putting them down in the playpen, Jaime sat down
near Mariam. “I’m so glad you came.”

“Me too. How are your parents?” Mariam asked.
Jaime’s smile dropped quickly.

“They’re getting a divorce.” Jaime thought
back to the day when her mother showed up at her door. “The news of
my pregnancy hit them pretty hard. I think my dad blames
himself.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Mariam had
always thought that if any of their parents were going to get a
divorce, it would be hers. If not hers, then Malikah’s. She had
seen Uncle David and Aunt Vivian go at it on various occasions. Not
once had she considered Jaime’s parents. They never argued, and
they never seemed mad at each other. Now that she thought about it,
they never seemed all that happy either. They just existed, like
two polite roommates that got along, but didn’t particularly care
for each other.

Though the evening started slow, it picked up
as the night went on. They ate, talked and took pictures of the
kids playing. Mariam and Rashad even got a chance to hold the
children. “They’re so little,” Mariam said as she balanced the two
on her knees.