Where Does My Heart Belong? (14 page)

CHAPTER
36

About a week after going
to Tony’s folks, I get sick.  I’m weak and have a few spells where I think I’m
going to faint and I’m vomiting all the time.  I put myself to bed for a day
but it doesn’t help, I don’t get any better.  Concerned about my old head
injury, I call Leona Cashman and ask her to take me to the doctor.  Henry has
retired so I don’t have a driver any more.  She wastes no time in getting me to
Stanford where they x-ray my skull and do all kinds of tests.  I spend a night
in the hospital.

The next day the doctor
tells me that my skull is fine and so am I, I’m just pregnant, that’s all. 
Pregnant, there’s no way I tell him, my boyfriend has had a vasectomy.  How
long ago, he wants to know.  About 10 years I tell him.  Then he tells me that
a vasectomy can reverse itself if all they did was just clip the cords.  The
ends of the little tubes try to find each other and re-join.  It’s the body’s
way of healing itself.  He wants me to come back in a month and see an ob/gyn. 
He gives me a prescription to help with the nausea and vomiting and one for
prenatal vitamins and tells me I can go home.  I call Leona and ask her to come
and get me. “I’m okay. My skull is fine.  I must have picked up some kind of
bug,” I tell her.   I don’t tell her that I’m pregnant.  I don’t want anyone to
know about it yet.

Later that night I try to
call Red several times but there’s no answer.  Just as well, probably, I’m not
sure how to tell him about this.  There’s no answer the next night either and I
start to get worried.  Then I get a call from John at the Management Company.
He tells me that Red has moved out.  Do I want them to try to find another
renter? 

“What do you mean he
moved out?  What’s going on, John?”

“I don’t know Libby. 
I’ve been trying to call him so I could do the inspection. When I called today,
his phone had been disconnected.  I went down there but I couldn’t get in.  He
must have changed the combination on the door locks.   I was able to look
through a couple of windows and the place is bare.  He’s gone.”

“Hold off on looking for
another renter for a bit.  I’ll try to find out what’s happened and get back to
you.”

He moved out?  He’s
gone?  This is like déjà vu all over again.  I’m frantic to know what’s
happened and scared to know.  How could he do this to me a second time?  I call
the dealership where he works and they tell me they laid him off a couple of
weeks ago.  They haven’t seen him since.  I call his brother, Bob, and he says
Red was going out to look for another job but he doesn’t know where he is.  I
give Bob the number here and ask him to tell Red to call me if he hears from
him.  It’s
important,
and I stress
important
.  I am sick at
heart.

The next day I make the
decision to go back to Washington.  I need to check on the house and try to
find out where Red is.  Getting there won’t be easy since I don’t have access
to the jet or anyone to pick me up at the airport if I fly commercial.  I was
depending on Red to do that.    I put in a call to Barb & Chris but they’re
out of town at a horse show and not due back for a couple of days.  I ask their
house sitter to have Barb call me collect.  Then as luck would have it, Tony
calls.

“Hey, I heard you were
sick and in the hospital.  Is everything okay?  Is there anything I can do for
you?”

“I’ll be fine and yeah,
there’s something you can do for me.  Any chance you would have a couple of
hours to spare to go car shopping with me one day this week?”

“Car shopping, why are
you going car shopping?”

“A bunch of crap has
happened, Tony.  I need to go back to Washington and I can’t fly because I
don’t have anyone to drive me home from the airport.  I’m going to have to
drive so I need a car.”

“Just hang on.  I wanted
to see you anyways so I’ll be there in about 15 minutes.”

When he gets here, he can
tell I’m upset.  “Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?  Come here, sweetheart, let’s
sit down and you can tell me all about it.  Does it have something to do with
your boyfriend?”

“Ex-boyfriend.  He’s
gone.  He’s done another runner on me.  You won’t have to worry about me
marrying the wrong guy now.  I’ll probably never see him again.”

Just then the phone rings,
its Barb.  “Oh, Barb thanks for calling back so quickly, I desperately need a
favor.  I’m still in San Francisco.  Red was supposed to be watching the place
but he’s taken off on me again and changed the combination to his door locks. 
Do you still have the combination to the front door and my side of the house? 
Good.  When you get home, could you get a hold of John at Apex Management and
arrange to go down to the house with him.  He has a remote to open the gate. 
Then go and see if everything looks okay.  Try the door to Red’s side and see
if he left it open.  Then use one of the phones and call me.  I’ll call John
and tell him to expect hearing from you.”

“Of course, Libby, I’ll
be glad to.  I’m so sorry.  Chris is going to have a fit when he hears this.”

“Thanks, Barb, I’ll call
John right now.”  I hang up, and call John and tell him to expect a call from
Barb in the next day or two.

“Well, that will be one
worry off my mind if they find everything okay,” I tell Tony.  “It will take
the pressure off of me getting back there right away.”

“Look, I been doing some
thinking.  Do you think you could wait another ten days or so before going
back?  Angie will be out of school on the 30
^th.
 Why don’t I drive
you back?  That way you won’t have to buy a car and travel by yourself.”

“That’s nice of you to
offer, Tony, but I haven’t told you everything.  There’s more going on and I'm
afraid if I tell you, you won't like me anymore.”

"Oh, Libby, there's
nothing you can say that will make me not like you."

I put my face in my hands
and sob.  I may as well get it over with, he’ll find out eventually anyway.  If
he turns away from me, I’ll just have to deal with it.  But I like having him
around; I don't want to lose him.  I raise my head up and with tears streaming
down my face; I tell him that I’m pregnant.  He doesn’t say anything; he just
puts his arms around me, and holds me while I cry.

“That’s it,” he says.

“What’s it?”

“I’m moving in now.  You
don't have to do this alone.  Let me help.”

Then I really lose it. 
He lets me cry, all the while cuddling me, and telling me it’s going to be all
right.  Once I get myself under control he takes me in the kitchen and fixes me
chicken noodle soup.  After I’ve eaten, he takes me upstairs and lies down on
the bed with me, holding me until he thinks I’m asleep, but I’m not. He gets
off the bed and just before he leaves, he kisses me on the forehead and
whispers, “I love you, Libby.”

I manage a fitful sleep
for a couple of hours and when I wake up he’s gone, but he’s left a note saying
that he’s gone home to pack and he and Angie will be back later.  I can’t
believe he said ‘I love you’.  I suspected he felt more than friendship for me
but never imagined he would say that. 

Later that afternoon,
Barb calls.  She and John are at the house.  “Everything looks fine, Libby. 
Red left a note for you.”

“Read it to me, please.”

“It says, ‘I am so sorry’
and then there’s some numbers under it.  1 4 3 0.  Do you think that could be
the new combination?”

“Maybe, give it a try.”

“It worked; we can get in
to his side.”

“Great, have John check
it out.  I’ll stay on the phone with you.  I can’t thank you enough for this,
Barb.  I owe you one.”

“John says everything
looks okay, a little dusty and the carpet needs vacuuming but that’s all.  Oh,
Red left behind his big king sized bed, but that’s the only thing.”

“Good, I’m relieved.  I
should be back there around the 4
^th
of June.  A friend and his
daughter are driving me up.  Tell John I’ll get in touch with him then.  You’re
a lifesaver, Barb; I don’t know what I’d do without friends like you.  Take
care and I’ll see you soon.”

I think about the
combination numbers that Red left.  They start with 1 4 3, our code for ‘I Love
You’.  If he loved me, how could he do this to me again?  What kind of crap is
going on this time?

CHAPTER
37

June
1974

After Tony and Angie move
in, Tony helps me pack up a bunch of stuff I want to donate to the Salvation
Army and calls them to come get it.  I get together everything I want to take
with me to Eagle Valley and arrange for Leona to check on the house once a week
while we’re gone.

On June 1, we head out in
Tony’s big, comfortable Cadillac sedan.  We take our time, limiting the driving
to 6 hours or less a day, with Tony and me trading off.  It takes us three days
to get to Eagle Valley. 

Tony is thrilled with my
beautiful home on the river.  “This would make a great summer place,” he tells
me.  “You could divide your time between here and California.”  After we unload
the car, I show them around the inside of the house and then he and Angie go
outside and explore the property.  I use the time while they’re gone to call
Red’s brother, Bob.

  “Bob, it’s Libby, I’m
back in town.  I want to talk to you.  I need to know what really went on here
with Red.  People don’t just up and run away from their loved ones because they
got laid off from a job.”

“Are you sure?  It’s not
a pretty story.  He left because he couldn’t stand the thought of facing you,
not after what happened the last time, he doesn’t want you to know.   He
doesn’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“I’m already hurt, Bob,
so just spill it.”

“He was having an affair
with his boss’s wife.  Keith found out about it and fired him but told
everybody that he was laying him off so he could save face.”

“An affair, an affair,
you’ve got to be kidding me.  He couldn’t have been.   He was home with me
every night for months.”

“They were carrying on in
the daytime.  They had an apartment in that brick building across from the
bank.  Keith got suspicious so he followed Marilyn for a week when she went to
lunch, and saw her go into the building.  A few minutes later, Red would go
in.  He confronted them and they admitted it. He fired Red and kicked Marilyn
out of the house when she told him she was pregnant.  He knew it wasn’t his
because they weren’t having sex.  Later she had a miscarriage.”

“Pregnant?  Miscarriage? 
Red’s had a vasectomy.”

“I know, but it must have
reversed itself.  He didn’t believe Marilyn when she told him, so he went to the
doctor and got checked out.  He’s fertile.”

“This is unbelievable,
Bob, do you have any idea where he is?”

“No, nobody’s heard from
him.  I’m worried about him.  He was really depressed when he left.  He knows
he’s ruined everything with you.”

“Thanks, Bob; I’m glad
you told me.  I’m not going to have anything more to do with him.  I’m going
back to California for good.”

“Good luck, Libby.  I
wish you’d never gotten mixed up with him in the first place.  You’re too good
for him.  He’s nothing but an alcoholic womanizer any more, and I don’t know if
he’ll ever change.”

I tell Tony what Bob
said.  “I’m not sure I ever want to live here again.  I don’t think I could
stand the thought of being here after what’s just happened.  Maybe I’ll just
sell it.”

“Don’t make any rash
decisions, give it some time.  This is a tremendous property.  I don’t want you
to have any regrets down the road.  Let’s discuss this more later, but right
now, we need to decide what to do for dinner.  Is there anything in the refrigerator?” 
He opens the door and we stare at a mass of beer cans.  Red has packed it
completely full, there’s no room for anything else.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,
what’s the meaning of this?  Welcome home?  He must be totally off his rocker.”

Tony laughs and says,
“Let’s go to the store and get some steaks.  I noticed you have a grill out on
the deck. There’s nothing I like better than grilling a good steak. Go see what
else you’ve got in the cupboards.  We can pick up what we need for tonight and
tomorrow morning and then do a major shopping trip tomorrow.”

“Why don’t you and Angie
go, I’ll stay here and get the guest bedroom ready for you.”

“No, no, I don’t want to
leave you alone, get your purse, and let’s go.”

“I’ll be fine.” I call
for Angie and push them towards the door.  I can tell he’s not happy leaving me
behind, but I can’t wait until they’re gone.  I’m feeling smothered.  I’m not
used to having someone in my face all day long.  On the trip up from
California, the only time I had to myself is when I was in the bathroom.  He
was constantly looking at me, asking if I felt okay, wanting to know what he
could do for me.  I know I should be grateful that I have someone who cares
about me, but I’m not used to the constant attention.  After they’re gone, I
make up the twin beds in the guest bedroom.  At least I’ll be able to sleep
alone in my own bed tonight.

When they get back from
the store, Tony gets the grill going and we enjoy a delicious meal of steak,
salad, corn on the cob and garlic bread on the deck.  Afterwards we sit there,
enjoying the view of the river and the hills across the way.  We watch the
daylight fade away into night and put Angie to bed after she falls asleep in
her lawn chair. 

“Let’s talk,” Tony says. 
“Tell me what you’re thinking; what’s going on in that beautiful little head of
yours?”

“There’s too many
thoughts, all swirling together.  Too many emotions, my hormones are raging.  I
don’t think I could make an intelligent decision if I wanted to.”

“You don’t have to make
any decisions right away.  Let’s just stay here for a week or so and relax,
give it some time, things always have a way of working themselves out.”

“Don’t you need to get
back home to your job?  It’s all right if you want to leave, I can stay here
until I decide what I want to do with the place.”

“No way, I’m not leaving
until you do.  As far as my job goes, I need to talk to you about that too, I
may not have one if things go the way I think they’re going to.”

“Why, what’s going on?”

“My brothers want to take
the business public.  I’m totally against it.  Mom and Dad don’t really
understand what it means and don’t know what to do.  If they decide to go along
with my brothers then I’ll be outvoted and I’ll resign.  Going public is a very
expensive, lengthy process, with no guarantee that the SEC will approve it. 
All my brothers can see is a big influx of capital from selling shares.  They
don’t seem to care that they will no longer have total control of the company. 
We don’t need more capital, we have plenty of cash assets, and the business is
doing great.”

“My goodness, what
brought all this on?”

“I think it’s coming from
Ramon’s new wife.  She has a degree in business and thinks she knows it all. 
All she cares about is money, the more the better.  Manny’s wife told me that
she’s been talking it up to all of them.  So, I’m in no hurry to get back
there.  I can stay here as long as you need me.”

“Oh, geez, my problems
are nothing compared to yours.  I feel so bad for you, you’re the one who
started the company in the first place, it’s your life’s work, this must be
devastating for you.”

“Yeah, it is, but there’s
other stuff going on as well.  I won’t get into all of it but my brother’s
don’t think that I do anything because I’m not out there getting my hands dirty
in the fields.  They’re jealous because I get to sit in an air-conditioned
office and drive around in a Cadillac.  They don’t understand just what it is I
do and give me flack about it all the time.  We have to comply with a myriad of
State and Federal regulations and I deal with all of that.  It’s a full time
job just keeping up with the regs, going to meetings and filing paper work.  If
I leave, they’re going to find out in a hurry just what it is I do.  Come on,
enough of this for tonight, I’m going to hit the hay and so should you. 
Tomorrow’s a new day and things always look better after a good night’s sleep.”

We go in the house and I
see him to the guest room.  He hugs me and jokingly asks, “You’re not going to
dump me are you, if I’m unemployed?”

“No, I’m not going to
dump you.  I’m going to stick to you like glue.”

“That’s what I like to
hear.  Good night, baby, I’ll see you in the morning.”

“'Night, Tony.” He walks
into his room and starts to close the door. 

“Oh, I like hot coffee, French
toast, and scrambled eggs in the morning.”

“You wish.”

Once I crawl into bed, I
start thinking about Red and everything Bob told me today.  I scream and cry
into my pillow.  I mash and crash him in my mind; dismember him and wish he
were here so I could do it in person.  When my tirade is over, I'm drained. 
I'm empty.  The feelings I once had for him are dead and I hope they stay that
way.

Then I think about the
baby.  What am I going to do about it?  I don’t think I’m capable of raising it
on my own. 
I don’t think women were meant to go it
alone.  That’s what marriage is all about, having both a mama and daddy for
their babies.  Children need the support of both of them, and I won’t be able
to give mine that.
Abortion is out, my baby is alive in my
womb, and I could never take its life.  Adoption is another option, but I
can’t
imagine doing that either.
   For the umpteenth time in my life,
I curse the fates for the situation that I’m going through.