William Shakespeare's The Phantom Menace (7 page)

I have some twenty thousand in my store—

Dactaries, the Republic's tender true.

Republic credits? You are misaligned:

On Tatooine your credits are no use.

[
attempting a Jedi mind trick:
] I've nothing else, but credits shall suffice.

Nay, they shall not.

—Aye, credits shall suffice.

Do you not compromise? Do you believe

Yourself to be a Jedi, who, with but

A wave of your sly hand, may change my mind?

I am Toydarian, and proudly so;

Your mind decapitations touch not me,

'Tis only money moves my cunning mind.

No currency is but no parts, no parts

Is but no deal, no deal is noisome; thus,

I shall depart unsatisfi'd from thee.

And more, no other merchant can provide

The hyperdrive for your fail'd T-14.

Of that, good man, I give you conflagration.

[Qui-Gon turns to leave, walking back toward Jar Jar, Padmé, and Anakin
.

[
to Padmé:
] These droids enjoy more life than they are due,

Which is—to speak my strength—due to my skill.

We must depart. If't please you, follow on.

[
aside:
] So quickly met and then so quickly lost?

'Twas well that I did meet thee, Anakin.

The joy was mine, good lady, fare you well.

[
Aside:
] O, we must meet again, else my heart's lost!

[Exeunt Watto and Anakin
.

[
into communicator:
] Good Obi-Wan, I bid thee, hear my words:

Doth our small ship have aught of value in't?

We have some few containers with supplies.

The queen's exquisite wardrobe, mayhap, yet

'Tis not so much as would a barter serve,

Not if you do require a handsome sum.

'Tis well enough. A different result

May from another quarter come. Adieu.

[Exit Obi-Wan
.

Nowotha. Beings here cawayzee.

Now weesa will be robb'd and crunchee.

Beep, meep, beep, squeak! [
Aside:
] I'll warrant

Jar Jar hath

More in his Gungan head than it doth seem.

It is unlikely—sure, what would they rob?

We have no assets: trouble's all we own.

[
aside:
] I shall make some distraction for us here,

Perchance from chaos, order may arise.

[Walking past a café, Jar Jar strikes a piece of meat with his tongue as Qui-Gon, Padmé
,
and R2-D2 continue on
.

Enter
VENDOR
and, aside
, S
EBULBA
.

Eh, eh, na wanna wunga? Tenga wup'!

[Jar Jar releases the meat, which hits Sebulba. Sebulba moves to Jar Jar, striking him
.

E chuba nai?

Enter
A
NAKIN
S
KYWALKER
.

[
aside:
]      —My newfound friend needs help,

Else vile Sebulba shall do him some harm.

I shall report this Gungan is someone

Of great import, and quick to anger, too.

Thus may he live. [
To Sebulba:
] Chess ko, Sebulba, aye.

Cha porko ootman geesa. Me teesa

Rodda co pana pee choppa chawa.

Neek me chawa, wermo, mo killee ma

Klounkee. Un' notu wo shag, m'wompity

Du pom pom.

[Exeunt Sebulba and vendor
.

—O, how roguish is this one!

He saith he shall make my sure defeat

When next we meet again, and would destroy

Me now, would Watto not a young slave lose.

His words I fear not, though he speaks them rough.

[Qui-Gon, Padmé, and R2-D2 return
.

Well met, my friends. Your odd companion was

Beset by trouble most severe, and would

Have forfeited his life, for nearly did

He come to fisticuffs, e'en with a Dug—

A vicious one—Sebulba is his name.

O meesa haten crunchee, issa

De last thing meesa wantin' heera.

And yet, the boy is right. Thou courtest trouble.

[
To Anakin:
] With gratitude I thank thee, little friend.

But what? For meesa doin' nothin' …

Pray, come with me, and try these pallies here.

[Anakin purchases a confection from a vendor
.

I do accept, with thanks.

[
aside:
]                —But what is this

I spy as he doth turn aside his cloak?

A Jedi's weapon!—I shall know more of't.

[
To Qui-Gon:
] A storm of sand arises soon, my liege:

Do you have ample shelter from the squall?

We shall return anon unto our ship.

But is it far?

—'Tis on the outskirts. Why?

[
aside:
] Ahh, just the turn of chance for which I hop'd—

An opportunity to see her more.

[
To Padmé:
] You never shall the outskirts reach in time;

Such storms on Tatooine may deadly be.

Consider your fine party honor'd guests

In my most humble home. 'Tis not too far.

[The company makes its way to Anakin's house as the sandstorm begins to blow
.

Fond mother, mother dear, art thou herein?

Enter
S
HMI
S
KYWALKER
.

Indeed; here I do stand.

—These are my friends.

Beep, whistle, squeak!

—My name is Qui-Gon Jinn.

Your son did kindly offer shelter here.

[
to Padmé:
] I spend my moments free within my room,

Engag'd in such pursuits as droid design.

Pray, thither come, and Threepio you'll meet.

Lead on, I follow.

[Exeunt Qui-Gon, Shmi, and Jar Jar. Padmé, Anakin, and R2-D2 walk aside, to his chamber. Anakin reveals C-3PO
.

—'Tis C-3PO!

Is he not something wondrous to behold?

The droid is not yet finish'd, but is close.

Indeed, the droid is sign and testament

To your vast skill and ingenuity.

[
aside:
] A scan doth show the droid is finely made—

In time, perchance, I'll know him better still.

He is a droid of protocol, design'd

To help my kindly mother in her work.

Behold, and see him animate with life!

[Anakin turns on C-3PO
.

C-3PO am I, an expert in

The human-cyborg link. How may I serve?

He is perfection, Anakin.

—Am I?

When this dark storm subsideth, I shall show

My racer unto you—for racing pods.

[
walking:
] This floor may not entirely stable be.

[
To R2-D2:
] My greetings, for we've not been introduc'd.

Beep, meep, beep, beep, meep, whistle, beep, meep, squeak.

'Tis R2-D2, aye? A pleasure, sir.

C-3PO am I, an expert in

The human-cyborg link.

—Beep, whistle, woo?

I beg your pardon, droid—what do you mean

When that you call me “naked,” impish one?

Beep, whistle, beep!

—My parts are all reveal'd?

My parts are not so starkly bare as your

Impolitic assertion, naughty droid.

My protocol is tested by this scene.

Enter
O
BI
-W
AN
K
ENOBI
, S
ABÉ
dressed as Queen Amidala, Captain Panaka
,
and
S
IO
B
IBBLE
in beam, on balcony
.

The Federation hath cut off supply

Of food until you make return. And more,

The death toll hath been catastrophic here.

Conform unto their wishes, Highness, please,

And contact me anon, ere more are dead.

[Exit Sio Bibble from beam
.

'Tis but a ruse, Your Highness, take no mind.

Send no reply—transmissions make ye none.

[Exeunt Sabé and Captain Panaka from balcony
.

[
Into communicator:
] Good Master, message comes from small Naboo,

And of their situation makes report.

It soundeth like some bait through which, by trick,

The Federation may soon trace us here.

What if it speaketh verily indeed?

What shall we do if people perish there?

In either case, the sands of time run out.

[Exit Obi-Wan from balcony
.

Enter
P
ADMÉ
, A
NAKIN
S
KYWALKER
, S
HMI
S
KYWALKER
, J
AR
J
AR
B
INKS
,
and
R2-D2.

I bid ye sit, and we'll together sup.

With thanks we'll share your table happily.

I prithee, tell me of your life as slave.

All slaves are fit with small transmitters, which

Within our bodies hidden do reside.

I seek to build a scanner to find mine.

If, then, a slave doth try to make escape—

That slave shall make a frightful final flight.

'Tis difficult to think that slavery

Doth still exist within the galaxy.

The good Republic hath such laws as should—

Yet your Republic is but naught out here.

On Tatooine we must survive by wits.

[Jar Jar snatches a piece of fruit with his tongue, eats it, and belches
.

O beggee pardon, me excoosee.

Has any one of ye a podrace seen?

They have podracing o'er on Malastare.

'Tis dangerous, 'tis fast and furious.

Methinks I am the human lone can do't.

Thou must have Jedi reflexes if so.

[Jar Jar attempts to snatch another piece of fruit and Qui-Gon catches his tongue
.

[
To Jar Jar:
] Cease thou this rude and unbecoming act!